Max: What is with you and updating at crazy hours?
Me: What's wrong with 5 am?
Max: What isn't?
Me: -shrugs- Doesn't matter. This is a birthday gift for a certain Canadian! M.G! (aka MGChristiani)!
Max: Eh?
Me: Eh. So, everybody go read her stuff, tell me how it is so I can read it later, and spam her with "eh"s. Because she loves that.
Max: Oh, yeah, totally...
"I'm not gay, dammit!" Iggy practically yelled.
"That's not what your lips were saying," I pointed out.
"Yeah! They weren't saying anything! Lips! Part of mouth! Which makes words! Come on, Fang!"
Uh…. Wait, what? I thought. "Iggy… That makes about as much sense as Nudge willingly going to a Goodwill."
"Aren't we missing the point here?" Iggy said, grasping at straws (I hoped). "YOU kissed ME!
I groaned inwardly. "Iggy, how many times am I gonna have to tell you? I was trying to get Lissa to see-"
"Can I point out one teensy-weensy little detail here?" the gay blind albino mutant interrupted.
Okay, so he's not albino. I needed a third adjective in there. I mean, come on, which sounds better, "gay blind mutant" or "gay blind ALBINO mutant?"
...Okay, so maybe it sounds better without the albino…
"Can I point out one teensy-weensy little detail here?" the gay blind Buddhist mutant said.
What? Who said he's not Buddhist?
Whaddya mean, where's my proof? I know the kid! Hell, I was making out with him in the last chapter! You think I'd know if he's Buddhist or not?
...You know, that makes it sound like I actually SHOULD know if he's Buddhist or not… Heh… I know that Dr. M isn't. She's Catholic. She drags us to church every Sunday. Given the choice, I'd rather go listen to some crazy Protestant preacher condemning random people to the darkest pits of the Chinese afterlife. No wontons. The thought of a wonton-less afterlife alone strikes fear into the hearts of people who are wondering what the hell I'm doing and when I'm gonna get back to the story.
The answer is right now.
Well, the answer is also I have no idea. Because it's a two-part question… Yeah…
Wow, I suck at this.
Heheh… Like Iggy dreams of sucking di-
The following is from Max's POV.
Well, it's still mine, actually, but I'm gonna try to figure out what Max was thinking and write it from her point of view, since, well, you saw what happens when I write things from my perspective.
I end up talking about wontons and sucking dick.
Besides, she's the one whose perspective that Jimmy Parkinson guy writes from. That has to mean something.
Now, why some random middle-aged guy writes from a teenage girl's perspective is beyond me. That just screams "PEDO! LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS! TAKE SMALL CHILDREN BY THE HAND! PLACE COPS NEAR PARKS AND/OR SCHOOLS! PROTECT YOUR WONTONS!"
…
Goddammit. I'm just gonna shut up and get back to the story.
This argument was interesting, even if it was really confusing.
Iggy, clearly lying, yelled that he wasn't gay.
"That's not what your lips were saying," Fang replied, his massive muscles rippling beneath his tight, sexy black shirt.
Oh yeah, this is still Max's POV.
"Yeah! They weren't saying anything! Lips! Part of mouth! Which makes words! Come on, Fang!" Iggy said back, successfully lowering the collective IQ of the planet with that one incoherent statement.
"Iggy…" Fang began, about to put the annoying Iggy in his place with a display of superior knowledge, "That makes about as much sense as Nudge willingly going to a Goodwill."
"Aren't we missing the point here?" Iggy replied. "YOU kissed ME!"
Jesus H. Christ. If this kid didn't stop lying, I swear the devil was gonna come up and drag him screaming to the depths of hell- I mean, the depths of h- any minute now. And if he didn't, I'd do it myself.
Because I'm the leader, and I take initiative.
Because I'm Max, the leader.
Not Fang. Max.
Remember that.
I saw Fang sexily sneak a wink to me, nearly making me swoon, as he said, "Iggy, how many times am I gonna have to tell you? I was trying to get Lissa to see-"
"Can I point out one teensy-weensy little detail here?" Iggy abruptly and disrespectfully interrupted. Does nobody respect their elders anymore?
"Go ahead," Fang said, graciously opening himself to enemy fire. Of course, in this case, the enemy fire was harmless lies. In fact, all forms of enemy fire were harmless to Fang. Nothing could ever harm such a beautiful specimen of mutated maleness.
"How the hell was that dumbass plan of yours supposed to work in the first place?" Iggy foully exclaimed. I don't know where he gets such a dirty mouth.
"Okay, okay, okay, hold on here," I interrupted. "Look, Ig, Fang's off the hook." In more than one way, I thought to myself. "As crazy as his plan was, it somehow makes sense."
"Whaddya mean, he's off the hook?" Iggy said. "You know what I think? I think you're just protecting your precious little boyfriend!"
What is it with Iggy and respect? Not only was he making shocking and untrue accusations against me, Max, the leader, not Fang, Max, but he was also degrading my "precious little boyfriend" with that harsh statement (especially since he's not "little" at all… If you know what I mean…)!
Okay, I'm gonna stop with the Max's POV now.
I don't want to have to explain how Max knows that I have a big di-
I'm really feeling sexual today, aren't I? That's the second time I've had to cut myself off before someone else did…
Heh. Maybe all this talk of making out has me horny or something.
Okay, so where was I?
Oh, right.
"Whaddya mean, he's off the hook?" Iggy said. "You know what I think? I think you're just protecting your precious little boyfriend!"
"IGGY!" I shouted.
"WHAT?" he shouted back.
"That still doesn't explain why you kissed me back."
"Oh… Heheh… Yeah…" Iggy muttered, avoiding eye contact.
Boom. Got 'im. Can someone hold the door? I need to reach into the closet and pull him the rest of the way out.
"I, uh… You know, I can't see… So I thought…"
"You thought what, Iggy?" Max asked.
Oh, in case you haven't noticed yet, this was a three-way conversation. Argument. Thing.
"ithoughtthatfangwasagirl." he muttered under his breath.
"You WHAT?" I asked incredulously.
Oh, in case you didn't know, "Incredulous" means "unwilling or unable to believe something." There ya go, kids. I'd make a great schoolteacher… Mr. Fnick. Has a nice ring to it, huh?
"I thought that you were a girl…" Iggy said quietly.
"….Uh, Iggy, who would it have been? I mean, there aren't that many girls running the house. And unless you were, like, hiding Nudge under your bed, there weren't any in your room at the time," I pointed out. "And I would know. I'm not blind. Unlike someone I know."
"I dunno, I guess I just imagined that it was Ma- er, someone… An… And… Uh… Reacted…" Iggy st-st-stuttered. (Kinda… Whatever)
"Wait, you thought it was WHO?" Max asked incredulously. (See, kids, we used it again! What a useful word. Kinda like "Iggy," "is," and "gay.")
"Like, er, someone…" Iggy muttered. Right about now, I realized that something was up, so I tried to do a mental slow-motion replay.
"Hang on, you thought it was MAX?" I said incredulously, looking from Iggy to Max and back again. Iggy looked thoroughly embarrassed, like he'd rather be gay than clearly jealous.
Max, on the other hand, seemed almost…. Caught.
Caught? Oh, HELL no.
Max: -facepalm- What is wrong with you?
Me: Hmm?
Max: Why do you insist on f$%#ing with our lives like that?
Me: It's damn fun.
Max: ...Okay, you have a point.
Me: Okay, well, everyone go say "EH!" to M.G, or, if you really want to make her happy, say "U-S-Eh!" or mention red lace bras...
Max: Just don't ask. That's for your own good...
Thanks for reading! -Matt&Max
**P.S. If you're reading this for the second time, you may notice a certain (ITALICIZE) (/ITALICIZE) thing missing. I stuck those in when I was typing it so I would remember to italicize that part when I uploaded it to FF, since italics don't transfer. (For me, at least. FF hates me.) And I forgot to change the one at "depths of h- any minute." It has clearly been fixed now. Thanks to Vera for pointing that out... or at least, for being the first one to point it out that I noticed.