Warning: Suicide themes
Note: This is a very important chapter to me and one that is completely fictional. In this chapter you find out why Jess came to Stars Hollow in the first place. There are hundreds of theories around and this one is mine (I've several theories myself).
I had this idea a couple weeks ago and my story First impressions implied this a little as well.
This piece will be the most angsty one in this series.
Story 6: It's been a year…
Summer break had started and Jess was not back for two weeks when he slowly grew moodier every day. At first he had truly been giving an effort, but only a couple of days later the taciturn teenager was back full force, stronger than ever before. Today, for example, he had snapped at three different customers or hadn't talked at all and that behaviour slowly began to work on Luke's nerves.
The kid clearly missed Rory who'd gone to Washington for the summer, but he and Jess had an agreement and today he'd remind the kid of his promise and the obligations he had if he wanted to stay in Stars Hollow.
As soon as the mass of people entering the diner lessened a little, he gestured his nephew to get upstairs.
Jess only looked at him sharply, obviously trying to assess his uncle's mood. His own facial expression was unreadable when he turned around and went upstairs.
"Jess," Luke said as soon as they entered the apartment, "We had an agreement. You cannot behave the way you do at the moment. You promised me that things would change."
Jess ignored the comment: "I am going to New York."
"What? Jess, you just arrived here, you can't just…"
"Just for tomorrow, I'll be back tomorrow night or the day after. Don't worry."
It seemed as if Rory was truly the only thing keeping Jess in Stars Hollow if he wanted to go back to New York so soon.
"Look," Luke tried to sound sympathetic, but his tone was all wrong, even to his own ears, "I know you miss Rory, but…"
Irritably Jess looked at him… He should have said things much more diplomatically.
"This has nothing to do with her. I just have to go back. In fact, I'll leave now."
Right. This has nothing to do with Rory at all.
"Jess, you can't just leave." This whole conversation was absurd. What was going on with the kid?
"I forgot that there was something I had to do," Jess said, his voice seemed strained and the moment the words left his mouth, Luke saw him flinch a little and looked at him in disbelief: "I forgot."
Luke had never seen the expression on his nephew's face nor heard the tone in Jess' voice. He seemed to be profoundly shaken by the fact he'd forgotten something in New York.
The older man couldn't help but wonder what it was.
Luke continued to look at the teenager while said person started to pack his things once again, but this time the bag wasn't even half-full. It seemed as if he'd stay true to his word and not leave for good but simply for a short while.
"See you tomorrow night or the day after tomorrow, Luke," Jess said shouldering his bag.
"Wait, Jess! You can't just… Where are you going to stay?"
"At home." At that the door slammed behind him leaving Luke alone in the apartment.
What was that? Where was he going?
For a moment he had the urge to call Lorelai asking her for advice, but immediately decided against it when he remembered the fight they had. She'd hurt him by saying he didn't care enough for Rory or the town. He couldn't go to her, especially not when it concerned Jess whom she seemed to despise with passion.
Minutes passed before he came to decide that he couldn't just let Jess leave, not without a proper explanation. He descended the stairs, left the diner and strode towards the bus station only to see his nephew drive away once again. He could see him on his 'usual' seat at the back of the bus, but unlike last time he didn't seem to read anything. Jess simply stared into space.
Something was wrong, something was terribly wrong with that kid.
Once again the urge to ask Lorelai was overwhelming only to be crushed with reality. Defeated he walked back towards the diner closing it two hours earlier than usual.
He was unable to sleep that night for that unreadable look on Jess' face was haunting him.
I forgot.
What? What had he forgotten? What could be so important that the kid would leave so urgently?
With the things Jess didn't tell him books could be filled, but this time he couldn't bear not to know. When his nephew had decided to come back, he'd officially become his guardian (the legal aspect was still to be discussed, but for them this had been the turning point.). Last time it had been Liz's call, but this time it was Jess' choice.
He wouldn't back down. He'd find out what was going on. Tomorrow, he'd take his car and drive to New York, he'd go and find his nephew.
When that decision was final, he fell into a peaceful slumber.
That slumber, however, wasn't meant to be permanent, for his subconscious seemed to find pleasure in working out scenarios that had caused Jess to go back home.
Before Jess came here for the first time, he had made a girl pregnant. A little Jess was now running across the streets of New York. He'd never checked up on the mother or his child, because he'd forgotten about it…
He was indebted to some guy and had forgotten to pay him back…
He dealt with something illegal (presumably drugs) and now had some very angry customers…
He'd forgotten to tell Liz he'd gone back to Luke's and was now feeling bad about it (Unfortunately, the most harmless scenario was also an impossibility since he'd called Liz the same day Jess had arrived to make sure his sister knew of her son's current location.)
The moment he dreamt of Jess' possible whereabouts (motionless in a dark alley), Luke jumped out of bed only to see that it was 6:30am. Immediately he packed up some stuff including five hundred dollars in cash just in case he had to bribe somebody.
He rushed down, and just when he wanted to step outside, he remembered that his bag was still in his apartment forcing him to run back upstairs to retrieve it cursing his lack of brains all the way.
Every minute counted. He had to go before his nephew got into trouble which he undoubtedly already was.
He opened his truck, got in and drove away.
Oh, he hated New York. It was too noisy, too busy and it stunk terribly, and today everything was even worse due to high temperatures. The sun burnt from the sky. To drive here was only possible when one had a death-wish. He decided to park as soon as he found a parking space where the car wasn't in too much danger of being stolen.
His impatience increased when he noticed that he'd driven around for an hour looking for an adequate spot. It took all of his self-control to not just park it right where he was.
Finally, he found an adequate parking space only to find out that he was fifteen blocks away from his sister's address.
He'd never visited her ever since she'd moved five years ago (if at all, she came to visit him or they met at a Café in the city), so he couldn't even tell what the neighbourhood looked like, but judging by what he'd heard from different sides it wouldn't be the most prestigious of places.
More than the city above ground he hated the subway which was even dirtier and more crowded than the streets themselves, but nothing would lead around this, which was why he chose to just go along with it.
He wasn't here for his own pleasure. He wanted to make sure the kid was okay.
He breathed in deeply after he was finally able to leave the subway and by that he meant the homeless man sitting next to him who hadn't seemed to have had a shower in a very long time. Nevertheless, he'd forgotten that New York above ground didn't exactly smell like roses either. He coughed a little and sighed.
That was when he looked up to see the street name. Liz and Jess lived a hundred yards from here.
When he finally arrived at the place he couldn't help but stare. Judging by the amount of times his sister had called him crying about boyfriends and husbands leaving and taking along anything that wasn't solidly connected with the walls, he knew she wasn't exactly rich, but seeing the block in which they lived, he seriously had to wonder why on earth Jess didn't want to live in Stars Hollow.
It was definitely one of the poorer neighbourhoods and probably one with quite a bad reputation. The smell of garbage offended his nose and the block seemed to look as if it was in desperate need of restoration. Shaking his head he walked in front of that building which contained his sister's apartment.
He saw his sister's name on the list right next to the entrance door and rang her bell, but nobody answered. He tried again hoping that at least one of them was home.
"She ain't gonna open up," a voice drawled behind him. Swiftly he turned around to see a young, tall and strongly-built man looking at him suspiciously.
"I'm sorry?"
"Miss Danes never answers the doorbell." The kid's eyes didn't waver for one moment staring him straight in the eyes obviously trying to figure out what he wanted from Liz. He held his gaze since as intense as the younger man looked, it was nothing compared to what his nephew was capable of.
"She's my sister. My name's Luke Danes. I simply need to talk to her, that's all."
When he said his name, the teenager relaxed instantly.
"Y'are Jess' uncle?"
"Yes," a little relieved that the teenager in front of him knew Jess only to be worried a moment later: Save for Rory, Jess hadn't made any friends in Stars Hollow and he had lived there for ten months (expect for that time after the car accident).
To his surprise the other teenager started to smile openheartedly: "Nice ta meetcha, Sir. He ain't talkin' much, but ya earned his trust over the year. It's a rare thing, ya know. Jess usually ain't very fonda guy authority."
It took Luke a moment before he truly understood what the kid had told him, but when he did, he returned the smile.
"Are you a friend of his?"
"Been his neighbour for five years, so I know'im. We respect each other. Sometimes we hung out, but Jess ain't friends with many. He's loyal, though. Them who are his friends are lucky bastards, that's for sure."
Luke nodded and then said: "Can you let me in? I just want to see him. He left Stars Hollow yesterday." He added just in case the kid knew of his nephew's latest move back to Stars Hollow.
Once again he was being evaluated and obviously deemed trustworthy. The teenager opened the door, turned around but didn't walk away before saying: "Hope I'll see ya once again, Mr. Danes."
Luke walked up the staircase since the elevator was broken (he wondered if it had worked when they'd moved here) and stepped out on the third floor. He walked towards the number his sister had told him years ago and knocked.
At first there was nothing, so he decided to knock with a little more force.
"I'm coming!" His sister's hoarse voice sounded shrill when she screamed so loudly. The door was ripped open and revealed his baby sister.
She was pale as if she hadn't slept very well, dark circles surrounded her eyes and the clothes she wore hadn't been washed in two weeks. She was frighteningly thin, too. Her whole appearance scared him.
This couldn't possibly be his little sister. This was an old woman.
When she recognized him, she smiled wildly and genuinely, immediately looking ten years younger.
"Luke! Big brother! That's a surprise. What are you doing here? I am sorry for my appearance. It got rather late yesterday and wild if you know what I mean."
He didn't really want to know what she meant which was why he was eager not to encourage her further.
"I am here because of Jess. Is he alright?"
"Shouldn't you know this better than I do? I mean, he lives with you right now."
"What? Didn't he come here yesterday? He said he had business in New York. I was worried, but I thought that he came here at least." The worry he'd felt yesterday was nothing compared to what he felt now. He was agitated and terrified.
"Big brother, relax," his sister said calmly, "Jess knows the city better than you do, believe me. He knows it even better than I do. He'll be fine. Don't worry."
How could Liz stay so calm about this? Had it been Rory whom he was supposed to take care of and now lost, Lorelai would have probably killed him by now.
Before he thought too much about a certain blue-eyed woman he asked: "Do you know what he came here for?"
She looked at him, furrowing her eyebrows a little, obviously thinking: "No, I have no idea. But, Luke: Go back to Stars Hollow. Jess takes off sometimes, but he always comes back, especially when he said he would."
Her carelessness angered him. His nephew could be doing who-knows-what, he could be in serious danger, but she simply shrugged it off as if it was nothing. To avoid a fight with his sister he apologized for the intrusion and told her he'd go home right away (despite the fact he wouldn't until he knew that Jess was safe).
"Anytime, big brother! See you," with those words she gave him a kiss and closed the apartment door behind her.
All he could do was gape at the door. He wondered if next time she called, he'd even bother trying to animate his nephew to answer the phone. It angered him how little she'd been affected by this situation.
"Are you Luke Danes?" A short, slightly corpulent woman had opened her apartment door which was right next to Liz's. She smiled at him affectionately and by doing that openly displayed her good-natured demeanour. She reminded him strongly of Sookie.
"Yes," he said wondering what she knew.
"I am Sophie Harper, your sister and nephew's neighbour. Please, come in."
Confused, and not knowing what else to do, he followed her.
The apartment was small but seemingly clean. There was a kitchen which was directly connected to what could be called a living room with a sofa, a small table with two chairs and a TV, the only two doors of the apartment were open and revealed a small bedroom and the bathroom, altogether rather small but remarkably cosy.
"Please, sit down," she said gesturing towards the table.
Awkwardly he did as he was told and then looked at her, showing his confusion. She didn't seem to notice, walked to the tiny fridge and took out some water. After grabbing two glasses she approached him.
"Jess told me about you. You've made quite an impression on him," she smiled while saying this thereby implying that whatever his nephew had said, it must have been good. Although he'd already heard this from the kid outside the building, it did surprise him.
It seemed as if Jess was much more talkative here than in Stars Hollow.
"He's not that much of a talker, but he's a good kid. Extraordinarily smart and considerate. He keeps surprising me," she smiled fondly and Luke couldn't help but return it. It was good to meet somebody who appreciated Jess other than the hostility they had to deal with in Stars Hollow. The boy's sarcasm could be painful and the regular arguments draining, but he thought of Jess being a good kid at heart, too.
"He sometimes sleeps here when things are a little tense or when Liz wants to have some time on her own," she frowned a little when saying his sister's name and by doing so demonstrated clearly whom she valued more.
He frowned a little as well. Tense? What does she mean by this?
"He didn't tell you where he went, or did I misunderstand something?"
"You heard me correctly. I have no idea where he could be."
Now it was her turn to look confused: "It's been a year today, Mr. Danes. Of course he's visiting Mark." Her tone was forceful and a little scolding as if something like this should not be forgotten. Unfortunately, he had not the slightest clue what she was talking about.
"Mark?"
Her eyes widened. Understanding dawned.
"He never told you. She never told you," she whispered, the first sentence was said in deep sorrow, the other in anger.
"What? What didn't they tell me?" He was getting desperate. Jess was off with god-only-knows whom and he was sitting in front of that woman who decided to speak in riddles.
"It's not my place to…"
"You know my sister and you know my nephew. She didn't tell me and probably won't and getting more than one full sentence out of my nephew is nearly impossible unless he's talking about some book. Jess is off with some guy and I am worried. What is going on?" He was irritated and sounded dangerous to his own ears, but surprisingly that woman whom he had evaluated to be a rather soft person didn't even flinch.
She lives in this kind of neighbourhood. What the hell did you expect?
She seemed to ponder whether or not to tell him. When she sighed, he knew he'd finally find out where Jess had gone to.
"It's best if I start from the beginning, though I must say that I have not seen this myself since they've only been living here for the past five years, however," she breathed in, obviously gathering her strength, "When Jess was five years old, another family moved in right next to their apartment, a young couple and their son who was his age. His name was Mark and it was friendship at first sight if you want to say so. Mark was an equally quiet boy and highly intelligent for his age which was why Jess grew fond of him quickly. Both were smart, but in very different ways: Jess, albeit young, was already life-experienced and quick-witted while Mark was gifted with numbers but unable to deal with everyday-life without guidance." She stopped and smiled affectionately, but deep sorrow clouded her bright eyes.
"Jess once told me that Mark was the only person he'd ever met who was significantly smarter than himself. Mark's IQ was indeed skyrocketing and later, when they went to primary school, the teachers found out that his skills in math are on genius-level. Nevertheless, Mark didn't deal with change very well, which was why he was taken under Jess' wing from day one after they'd become neighbours since your nephew is able to fit into every environment," for a moment she stopped before adding with a short giggle, "if he chooses to do so, that is."
She sighed. Luke didn't move his eyes off her, taking in everything he heard.
"When it was time for them to go to school their friendship grew even stronger, both enjoying the fact of having met somebody their age who just got things, to say it in Jess' words. They were hardly ever seen alone neither when they were in primary school nor when they went to high school later. When Liz and Jess moved, Mark insisted on moving somewhere near Jess, which is remarkable because Mark had severe issues when he had to deal with changes of location. This was also the reason why he never entered a private school despite having been recruited by several prestigious ones."
Luke suddenly had a foreboding feeling. If they were this inseparable, why had this Mark never visited? He remembered Jess screaming at him in their first week living together:
'You take me away from my home, my friends and now you're asking what from me?'
She seemed to have noticed his musings because she continued: "When they were in high school later they met Sylvia and Christopher whom they befriended rather quickly. Chris is a tall guy with a certain love for literature and of very realistic nature therefore got along with Jess rather quickly. Sylvie was the hopeless romantic of the four of them and she and Mark got pretty close. Jess practically adopted her as a little sister. Believe me, when Sylvie and Mark started dating one and a half years ago, Jess was rather torn because he cared for them both but was afraid to lose either in case things didn't work out."
Hearing this caused Luke to wonder: Who is Jess? I don't know my own nephew.
"He's no saint," she said, obviously having guessed what was going on in his mind, "as I said, he was very mature very early in life, but also," she sighed a little, "I don't know him as well as I want to though better than most. Let's just say that when Jess moved here he was already able to pick any kind of lock, was already cynical and taciturn to a certain point especially around strangers. It took me six months before he as much as talked to me. There were fights at school though I must say it was mostly in order to stand up for his friends."
"What happened?" Something must have happened.
Sophie looked at him sadly: "Precisely one year ago, Jess and Mark had planned to spend the afternoon in the Central Park. That is special because they usually went to Washington Square Park."
"And Mark doesn't like change, so…" Luke got the idea.
"Exactly. Jess had agreed to pick him up, just in case Mark changed his mind last minute. He'd received a key from Mark's parents who are very hard-working people and appreciated Jess' help more than he'll ever know. When he entered the apartment…" She swallowed, tears appeared in her eyes, her voice broke, "he found Mark lying on his bed, his wrists sliced open with a kitchen knife."
A silent sob escaped her: "Jess got help as soon as he could, but it was too late. Next to Mark there were four goodbye letters, one for each of his friends and one for his parents. I am pretty sure that the letter Mark wrote for Jess is one of those few things he refuses read."
Luke didn't know what to say. Hell, he didn't know what to feel.
"After that, something died in Jess. He got into fights every other day, he'd smoked before but he started to do so much more regularly, he'd drunk alcohol before but now it happened more often. The only people he kept talking to were Sylvie and Chris, but Jess was the anchor of the group, so when he was with them he had to be the strong one, had to hold Sylvie and comfort her and had to drag Chris out of the dark place he was in. Unfortunately, by doing so his own demeanour grew darker and he became much more cynical and taciturn than ever before. He completely shut down. Liz couldn't or wouldn't deal with it, so in the end she decided to send him to you. Oh, I've never heard him scream so much as the day she told him he had to leave New York."
Luke swallowed and stared at Sophie. He had been oblivious.
His nephew definitely knew how to hide his emotions even if they ate him up from the inside.
Guilt coursed through him when he realized that within the ten months the young man had been living in his home, he'd never asked him what had caused Liz to send him here.
"You did well with him," she said, once again picking up on his mood, "When he came back, he looked much better. He felt terrible about the accident with that girl, but he looked much better."
"How do you…?"
"Mr. Danes, you forget that I've known your nephew for five years," she laughed, "if I am capable of knowing what is going through his mind, I am fairly sure to understand your thoughts." She smiled sadly at that.
"Ma'am, thank you for telling me this, but I think it is time for me to go."
He stood up, then decided to ask: "Where have they buried him?"
Nodding approvingly she told him the address and said: "Goodbye, Mr. Danes. I'll see you again."
"It's Luke and yes, I think we will meet again."
Thirty minutes later he stood in front of a cemetery feeling terrible. The sun was bright, mocking him and all those here. He looked around trying to find his nephew. He walked across the lane and looked to his left and right trying to find a teenager mourning for his best friend.
There he was, not more than fifty yards to his left. He stood there motionless, his head was bowed a little…How the kid could still wear a jacket in this heat was mystery to him…
Quickly and quietly he approached his nephew who noticed his presence when he was only ten feet away from him. He couldn't tell whether or not Jess had somehow registered it was him, but when he turned around to face his uncle there was nothing that would indicate his surprise.
Jess' face was dry, but his eyes shone sadly, broken, obviously too tired to hide his feelings behind that mask he usually wore all the time.
Luke decided to say the only thing he could think about since he'd heard of his nephew's loss.
"I am sorry I never bothered to ask."
"I would've never told you."
The words were spoken quietly and sincerely.
They were wrong, the whole bunch of them: Taylor, Dean, Lorelai, every citizen in Stars Hollow save for Rory. Jess wasn't a hooligan, he wasn't a criminal, he wasn't a punk.
Jess was a good kid, somebody simply had to keep reminding him of that.
Well, what do you think? I'd really love some reviews for that chapter...
Thanks to all those regular reviewers... You guys are great! Your reviews mean a lot to me and inspire me.