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Okay, I'm in an unfamiliar place. I can tell, because it smells different, feels different (I'm not in a crappy bed), and because this has happened every day so far since I've gotten here.
This is happening a lot, lately. I don't know where I am, but it'll probably work out, it always does. There's no reason to freak the hell out. Deep breaths.
Okay, so time to think back... What was the last thing that happened to me?
Uh.
Spider.
Right, I was nearly eaten by a giant spider.
Well, considering how I'm warm right now, under something, and I'm not directly over a metal walkway, it seems either I'm back in the real world, or someone found me and dragged me away before something else could eat me. Either that, or I'm in a rather tight, rather warm coocoon, and have regained consciousness just in time to have my internal juices sucked out like the world's worst smoothie.
On the plus side, even though I'm a little bit sore and stiff, it's nowhere near as bad as it was yesterday. It's always good to look for the positives in life.
"I wonder when this guy will wake up?~" comes a breathy, familiar, annoying, high-pitched voice.
Oh. Oh crud. Well, the spider idea is out of the picture. I'm not sure whether or not that is a good thing.
I don't want to open my eyes.
"Nooo." I groan, "I'm not after any of your wifeys. I'm just saying that right now."
There is a startled gasp from nearby. My guess is right.
"Oh, you're awake! And that's great news! I usually don't like to help guys, and I was wondering if you were after my wifeys, but you looked so scared and hurt there that I was worried you'd die, even if you're a guy!~" chirps RED.
Yaaaay. Rescue by RED. Or the fact that I even needed to be rescued in the first place.
I'm not sure whether or not I'd have preferred to wake up in the forest. At least that'd have made sense.
Slowly, I open my eyes, to take in the area around me.
The room I'm in is obviously a house, and a reasonably large one at that. It's got a fancy chandelier, Oriental-themed wallpaper, and a short, busty redhead vacantly staring down at me in amusement and curiosity.
"You looked pretty dumb sitting there with web on your face and that big bug head on your arm!~" ambles RED, as she points to somewhere to my left.
My neck is sore, but I slowly turn towards the finger's destination.
Only to immediately jerk backwards, resulting in a surge of pain from my still-stiff body.
The spider's head definitely hasn't faded, and is in fact on the nightstand, staring at me. Its massive fangs are soaked in blood, my blood, and it's still staring at me, even without the life behind its eyes. I definitely, definitely don't let out a little scream of terror.
Nope, not at all.
"Oh man!~" smirks RED, "I thought you'd pretend to be a tough guy, but you're a really scaredy cat, aren't ya!~"
I know I can't even defend myself, but I try anyway.
"Well, it did nearly kill me, you know." I pout, but I know my excuse is weak. "It's only natural I'd be afraid of it."
"Yes well, if you were with friends, that wouldn't have happened!~" smiles RED, "That's why I'm always on the lookout for Wifeys! Wifeys are awesome friends!~"
Friends.
"Uhhh. What time..." I stutter, as I lift my left hand up to my face. The watch, much to the claim of the merchant, hasn't so much as a scratch on it. My arm is also mostly recovered, save for a rather nasty-looking, but pale scar down both sides of the upper section. It looks months old, rather than something that had happened a day ago, at most. RED must've fed me medicine, or something, since I sure as hell can't heal that fast normally.
The jacket I'm wearing has a big hole in it now, but I guess I'll have to repair that later.
My watch reports the time: Four PM. It's tomorrow, all right.
Wait, if RED is here, then who will…
"OH CRAP!" I scream, as I lunge out of the bed, but end up flopping to the floor because my joints aren't fully responding. I was out for over sixteen hours!
"What's the matter?~" whistles RED, as she glances towards me, not really understanding the situation yet. "You're silly. I don't mind that!~"
What's the fastest way to get RED to agree to come with me…
"THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! YOUR CPU WIFEYS ARE IN DANGER!" I bellow, as I rush towards the door. Were the situation not so dire, those words would never have come out of my mouth, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
"Oh no!" answers RED in horror, as she quickly takes up a run beside me. We're nearly to the door before she finally parses what exactly I've said, and pauses. "Wait, how do you know that?"
"NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN!" I shout again. Seriously, there isn't and I can't. There just isn't enough time. Underling's ambush could have happened already, which would mean that there'd be no one to bail out Nepgear, which'd mean…
Which'd mean that it'd be all my fault. If RED hadn't found my arse in the forest and dragged me here, then she'd be out in the forest, able to react. I can only hope that it hasn't happened yet, and I haven't made a horrible mistake.
It'd feel terrible if I damned an entire world to destruction, just because I fell asleep long enough for a spider to nearly eat me.
Worst ending for a game, ever. Like, worse than Mass Effect. Worse than the endings of those weird pseudo-nihilist indie games that are always popping up.
We're out the door in seconds, mostly because my unchanging replies of "THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!", and "I MUST GO, MY PEOPLE NEED ME!" leaves little room for discussion.
RED's fast, I have to hand her that, but I'm slightly faster, since for every step I take, she needs to take three to cover the same ground. It takes a good ten minutes, but soon we are out of the city, and back into the forest. A Dogoo tries to get in my way, but a quick draw and swing of Seamus allows me to bludgeon the offending slime out of my path. We're on a strict clock - there's no time to deal with trash.
Even the giant, hungry Dogoo doesn't slow me down: I barely even spare a look at the thing as I lunge past it.
The metal below is echoing under my feet as I thunder forward. I can already see the silhouettes of people off in the distance…
As I draw closer, I can see the battle more clearly. Nepgear, IF, and Compa are being harried down by a floating robot, but they're obviously struggling. Behind the robot, I can see Underling doing a little victory dance, and cheering on the murderous machine.
We made it just in time!
"I… I don't know how much longer we can hold on!" whines Nepgear, as she is grazed by yet another laser spewing from the machine, "Sis… why can't I be strong like you?"
A quick glance behind me, and RED's only a few seconds behind. Her eyes are wide as she takes in the scene, but a quick nod confirms it. We're doing this. We're bailing out Nepgear and Co.
Seamus is out and in my hands as I close the final distance. I can see the robot pause slightly, perhaps taking in the brand new variable I'm adding to the battle, just long enough for the three battlers to look up.
This is probably when the rescuer screams out the name of some special move, or something, right?
Well, I don't have any, at least not yet. What I do have, is pithy one-liners.
"HEY!" I scream, as I surge around the three towards the robot, "MISTER ROBOTO, SAY ARIGATO!"
My last step ends in a forward lunge, which I quickly convert into a full-body pivot into a baseball swing, with my target as the ball. Despite my bravado, I don't expect to so much as pause the thing, but hopefully it'd take the heat off of them long enough for them to regroup.
What does end up happening instead, is that the monster flies back a foot or two, and pauses. Pauses, or maybe stalls. Stalling for a crash would be nice.
"Hey! Who the hell are you?" yells Underling, from where she was standing. "Just because you're some random schmuck, doesn't mean I won't have the robot kill you too!"
Wearing my usual false smile, I lean backwards, doing everything in my power to give off a false sense of bravado.
"The name's Derek, this is Seamus, and I wouldn't worry about that." I speak, as the crimson blur in the corner of my eye continues to move. "Because right now, I'd say your chances of victory…" I pause for both effect, and to let my ally of convenience get into position, "Are in the RED."
"Seriously? You're going with.." speaks the grey-skinned ASIC goon in disbelief, before she's blindsided by a jump-kick to the spleen from RED.
"Booyeah!~" cheers RED, as she turns towards the robot, weapon still in hand. "Score one for the Wifeys!~"
I twirl Seamus's stick around once, before banishing it back into my inventory. It's time to fight.
I can barely hear IF murmur, "This is the weirdest rescue, ever."
Compa replies, at a similar volume, "Weirder than the time Nep-Nep found us in that cave after she drank that punch?"
"Yup. Weirder than that."
"Iffy, that was pretty weird."
"I know. This is weirder."
Well, at least they're all right. Still, this thing is rather large, and I just got back from getting my arse kicked.
"Y'know," I speak, as I lean back, knives at the ready. "I'd assume you folks wouldn't want me to be doing everything for you, would you?"
Please take the hint. I don't want to get beaten up again so soon.
"R… Right!" sputters Nepgear, as she gets back up to her feet. "I might not be able to transform, but we can definitely defeat you!" The last bit is directed at the hovering 'bot before us, which, if it was a sentient being, would probably be quaking in fear.
Probably.
"I've got your back, Gear!" shouts IF, as she rushes beside me.
"Me too, Ge-Ge!" And there goes Compa.
"With my wifeys," exclaims RED, before she quietly whispers "and this random guy I found..."
"Hey!" I am most certainly NOT 'some random guy'.
"With my wifeys beside me, we can't lose!~" cheers RED.
"Boop." answers the robot, although that could just be its targeting system.
Actually, it's definitely its targeting system, if the blinding light I'm seeing form in front of it is an indication. Let's… avoid that, shall we?
Rather than tumble just to the side, I tumble towards the robot, hoping to both close the distance, and to get myself behind it, where it won't be able to focus fire upon both me, and the group.
Not a second too soon, at that, since in an instant, there's a searing beam of energy where I once was. The others are all out of the way, much to my relief, but I can definitely feel the heat from the beam, even a couple of inches away.
RED's attack is the first to make impact, a charge leading into a two-handed smash with a thick, leather bound tome of yuri. The robot, built neither to understand love, nor to be able to process it, shudders from the impact.
IF is next, hurling a fistfull of fire into the metallic being.
I guess it's my turn, then?
Lying prone, I roll underneath the hovering bot, before flipping myself upwards with my legs, directly behind it. I can see where its joints are, but that's not where I'm aiming.
Instead, I aim for the upper casing, where I can see a hairline crack that'd denote a manufacturing seam, if it were made normally, and not just summoned like the random encounter it is.
My sharp knife is in the seam in but an instant, and while I can feel the metal of the knife groaning under the stress, I'm able to extend the crack to over an inch, before inserting the second knife for more leverage.
There's a snap of broken plastic as the upper portion of the robot's chassis sunders under the pressure, along with the knives I'm holding. The robot, frenzied from its defacement, shakes me off in a jerky motion.
Just in time for Nepgear to land the finishing blow.
I can only see the final portion of her charge, but from the looks of things, she ran up to the robot, before making a two-legged hop into a diving stab, all directly aimed at the robot's exposed core.
Needless to say, it doesn't handle this new development well, if at all.
Sputtering smoke and emanating the grind of clashing metal, the monster perishes in a swirl of data. Also a few things drop to the ground out of the monster, but let's be honest here, I'm not caring too much.
My hands are too busy being over my head, as I do an impromptu victory dance. One with a lot of kicking, a lot of twirling, and a lot of unnecessary punching.
"Who the hell is this guy?" grumbles Underling, as she lifts herself off the floor, still clutching her midsection. "I mean, I understand the other broads, but seriously, this is kinda pushing it."
I stop my dance, mid-twirl. "My name's Derek. From Laaaaastatiooooon", I answer, although I really milk that last word. I don't even know if it was necessary to append that, but who cares?
I feel like an absolute dork. I definitely am taking this too far.
But that's okay.
They never expect the silly ones to be dangerous.
"Okay. Screw this. I don't know what the hell happened to that guy…" gestures Underling, finger pointed directly at me, "But it's probably contagious, and already spread to that other girl, so I'm out of here."
And then she's gone, in pretty much a blink. Damn girl, you can run. I can almost see an outline where she used to be.
"She's getting away!"
Thanks, Nepgear.
"No point in chasing her, Gear. She's gone." Thank you, IF, for voicing my opinion.
I wonder if they'll notice me, this time. Who knows?
RED's the first one to talk to me. "Y'know, I didn't really believe you when you said that wifeys were in danger, but I'm so glad I believed you!~"
Yeah, thanks RED. That definitely makes me not seem like a gigantic pervert. Not at all.
"Wait… wifeys?" asks Nepgear, with a perplexed expression on her face. IF is staring at me in disgust.
Okay, story time! Let's try and get myself out of this hole.
"Yeah. I was messing around in the depths over here, when I saw someone setting up that machine!" I lie, hoping to sound at least slightly believable, "I kinda sorta maybe got attacked by a giant spider though,"
RED interjects, "He was really silly and got his butt kicked!~ He was covered in webs and had a big bug head on his arm!~"
My face turns downwards. "Dammit, they didn't need to know that! Anyway, I was worried that someone could get hurt by the monster, and said whatever I could to get RED here to come follow me. After all, if she could save me, then she's definitely worth having as backup, right?"
IF nods, although it has a bit of hesitation. "Alright, but how did you know we were in trouble? You arrived way too on time for it not to be planned."
I don't really have anything else I can say besides the truth. "I didn't. I was afraid I was already too late, that's why I said what I did."
Compa's the one to respond this time, but she's a lot more positive sounding than IF.
"Wow, Mister Derek, it's really nice that you care so much to help people, even if it's not your problem!"
"It's… nothing." I answer, as as scratch the back of my neck. "If you guys had gotten hurt, (or even died…) it'd be my fault, right?"
"No, Mister Derek, it might not look like it, but Iffy's a real tough member of the Guild, I'm a Nurse, and Ge-Ge here is a CPU Candidate!" she answers, mouth turned into a smile.
Okay, I'm technically not supposed to know that. Time to fake shock.
"Wow!" I say, eyes plastered open as I turn towards Nepgear. "Wait, if you're a CPU Candidate, then why couldn't you transform? I heard that the CPUs turn into a stronger form to fight tough monsters."
All three of the Nep patrol blink at me. "I'm not actually sure." admits Nepgear. "Underling said that she used a special kind of monster though, which stops me from transforming."
I cut her off before she can speak any further. "Wait, her name is actually Underling?"
"Miss Underling is an Underling is an Underling." nods Compa sagely.
"She's cute, but not really my type.~" adds RED. "I'm sorta sad I had to kick her, but she was being mean to you three, so I guess it's okay.~"
There's nods all around. "So uhh…" begins IF, before she runs out of words.
"Uhh…" I answer. I'd crack a joke here, but I'm sort of out of steam for the time being.
"Hey, since you guys are my wifeys now, I'm going to be following you guys around!~" chirps RED, as she leans over a seated Nepgear.
I hope I don't look too desperate as I turn back towards them. "Got room in your party for two more? I mean, I might be a bit weird, but I know how to fight, and so does RED."
IF still looks hesitant, but a glance back to the injured Nepgear, then back to me, is enough to strengthen her resolve. She walks up to me, and pulls me aside.
"We're on a quest to rescue the four CPUs from the Gamindustri Graveyard. You sure you want to sign on with us? It'll be hard." she states, as Compa begins to patch up Nepgear. "I'm only asking you, because it seems that other girl isn't going to take no for an answer."
I shrug. "As long as I'm not paying for food and board, I'm up for anything. Been looking for an excuse to go travelling the world, anyway. I've mostly been in Planeptune, just because the slums here offer cheap rates."
IF nods once more, before she extends a hand, which I quickly grasp to shake. I'm led over to the other three, who are all patched up and ready to go by now.
"Compa, Gear, Derek has agreed to join us." comes the words I've been hoping to hear. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from beaming. All three of the others are smiling back at me.
Cha-Ching. Derek joins the party.