Hey hey hey!! Ya I know I haven't updated in like forever and i'm really sorry chapter 5…here we go...
Disclaimer: I don't own twilight…god damn it: P
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you know there was people in this world that believe that in everyone's life only a certain amount of shit can happen only a certain number of tears can be shed before life balances out again. These people are clearly the optimists of the world, I doubt that they have ever met someone like me, someome who lost everything that mattered to her. From her parents to her boyfriend to her friends, one endless string of painful events. As I sat on the floor, where I seemed to be spending all my time recently, I pondered what I would lose next. There had to be something, probably my car, maybe it'll get stolen, or set alight. Then the house , a fire? Or the bank repossessing it due to hidden debts of Renee and Charlie. All I knew was that it was never going to end. I was going to lose everything, absolutely everything, before I list my life.
And I knew that , as sure as I knew my own name, I was going to die a premature painful death, sad bitter and alone. Like a bolt of lightening, fast and painful, I was struck with a thought. Why don't I die on my own terms? Why wait around and watch everything leave and pass me by, until I die? I knew what Renee and Charlie would say if they found out that their only daughter was on the floor, thinking of taking her own life. They'd hug and love me, coax me to get off the floor and fight. They'd try and instill a fire in me to help me to keep going…but they re gone. They couldn't see me. There was no heaven there was no hell. There was life. Painful, bitterly unfair life. As unpredictable as the sea, it could change from calm to stormy in seconds, before you could even blink.
"How would I do it??" I wondered to myself, how would I end my life after 18 years of living, how would I end it? The easiest seemed to slit my wrists, but I had always hated the sight and smell of blood, and I d probably pass out before I could do the other. That was out. My train of thought spun off in another direction entirely. Was it a mistake? Even thinking about it, ending my life before it had really started? But I had suffered too much, and received too little in return to make a balance, to keep me going forward. All this life had taught me was that you didn't need water to feel like your drowning. I gasped aloud as I thought this. I remembered my favorite place in the world before this mess started, la push cliffs. When you stood on the very edge of them, you realized the pure wonder and beauty of the world, at the point where the sky, the sea, and the land met.
I had spent a lot of my childhood there. It seemed fitting to end my life there. All I would have to do is take one little step off the edge and let the ocean take its victim. My breaths came in short gasps as dark fell around me. This was what I wanted, for the pain to end. My mind was made up; set on this path, nothing that happened would change that. I got up to find a pen and paper to write my final letter, to those who left me but I still loved.
Having tracked down the paper and pen, I began to write.
To those whom it may concern,
This may come as a shock to some, to others not so much. I have decided to end my life because its just too much. No I didn't do it to join my parents in paradise, I don't believe that anymore, on hindsight I'm surprised I ever did. I did this for 2 reasons, one to end my pain and two to stop me hurting the ones I love, the ones I pushed away when all they wanted was to help.
Jacob, I love you and I'm sorry to have caused you so much pain. Though you hurt me the most, I can not help but forgive you. I want you to know that I hope you have the best life, full of love and friendship. To my friends, Jessica Cathy Lauren and Angela, you tried to help me and all I did was push you away, for that I'm sorry. Don't feel bad about the things you said, I deserved them, the things you said to my face and behind my back, i'm sure I deserved every single one of them. To Mr. Varner, your subject is evil and for gods sake, zip up your fly just once, believe me when I say, its not a sight anyone wants to see. I'm not saying this to be funny, or even to be rude, I'm saying this because I've been dying to say it since my first class with you, and now is my only chance to say everything I've been afraid to say. So before I leave this life a few unimportant things I've always wanted to say... Jessica your hair was nicer brunette, Angela those pink heels you bought last Christmas are awful and Cathy I'm sorry it was me that scratched your titanic DVD. Do what you want with my assets, I don't care.
All my love,
Bella
Xxxxxxxxxx
I sealed the letter in an envelope, marking it "my final letter". I placed on the kitchen table, hoping that who ever cleaned up the house after my death would see it. I steadily got up and went upstairs placing the clothes I wanted to be buried in on my bed. My blue silk blouse my favorite black skinny jeans and the peep toes I borrowed off Renee and never got the chance to give them back. I wrote "my burial clothes" on a post-it and placed it on top. I walked downstairs savoring each step as my time drew to a close. I went to the kitchen, picking up some chocolate. Eating it slowly I walked through the house, saying my goodbyes. Then with careful deliberation, I walked out the front door without locking it and got into my truck. I started my drive to la push cliffs, the drive to my death.
The drive took 20 minutes and though I drove slowly savoring all my surroundings, it seemed like it took only five minutes. I arrived at the cliffs, the place that had amazed me since I was a child, the place where all of nature's elements met in one place. I got out and felt the wind whip around me. Suddenly my feet felt too heavy to move, I couldn't but I had to. I forced myself forward. I suddenly started to feel like the little train that could, I started to chant to myself "I think I can...i think I can" and moved closer, closer to the edge, closer to the end.
I stood at the top of the cliff, watching the icy water below move in strong and vicious waves. This was my favorite place in all of Washington. It was fitting I should die here. I had never thought that I would die by my own hand, I always assumed I d live to a ripe old age and die surrounded by those who loved me, instead I was surrounded by icy cold winds and the burning knowledge that I was alone.
Things happen that you cant control and in my final moments I thought back over my life, all the happy and sad times. I thought as far back as I could, to my very first memory. I savored good times and lamented bad times. I thought of my first kiss, my first boyfriend and laughed. I thought about my last kiss, my last boyfriend and cried. Finally I thought about my most painful memory, the memory of my parent's death.
My parents were good people, kind people, and loved each other as much now as they did the day they married. But I hated them. I hated them for the mess they left me in. they left me with all this pain to deal with alone. I knew I was being unfair. I knew they didn't want to be slammed into by a truck while driving to Seattle. But they both died within minutes, they didn't even try to fight it, not even for me.
I took a step closer to the edge of the cliff. I briefly wondered what I would look like to anyone walking by. A strange girl standing alone at the edge of a cliff looking at the water, but I didn't care. No one would find me here. The wind was blowing viciously around me. One minute trying to push me away from the edge of the cliff, the next minute trying to push me off the cliff and into the icy depths below.
I closed my eyes as my hair whipped around me. I took a huge breath, my last breath, and leapt off the cliff. I screamed in fear as I seemed to float in the air a second too long. I opened my eyes to see the ocean just before I hit it with such force that any air left in me was pushed out in one big whoosh. I left the current grab and didn't fight as it pulled me under. Further and further into the darkness it pulled me. "Goodbye Jacob" I thought as I started to see stars and knew I was almost dead.
I knew I had died but I didn't expect it to be as uncomfortable as it was. I reached the bright light that came before heavens gates, which were rather noisy and oddly wet. I felt a little abashed for not believing it was true but I knew I was in heaven because when I reached it, I heard the angel's voice.
"Stay with me, stay with me now" the angel whispered some where in the distance.
I was confused, why would I not stay with you, I wanted to stay. This is where I wanted to be for the past three months. But I fell backwards into a darkness that frightened me, but somehow I had been longing for it.
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A/N
So ya I just wanna apologize for the huge delay in this chapter but I wanted to get it right and the gods seemed to be conspiring against me every time I went to put it up. So please review if your not odd with me for taking so long:P loveage!!!!!!
Jelliebean:D