Summary: What if "Snow Day" went differently?
Pairing: FM/DL
Time Frame: End of Snow Day and after
DISCLAIMER: They aren't mine.
You're Still Here
Chapter 6: Can't Let It Go
Lindsay slowly closed the door behind her after she let herself into her apartment. She leaned back against the door and slowly sank to the ground, her black dress pooling around her body.
She steepled her knees and rested her elbows on them, her arms hanging limply in front of her.
She sat that way for a long time. She didn't even notice the time, her mind was a million miles away. She leaned her head back against the cool door, slowly closing her eyes and letting the memories wash over her.
"And make sure you call him Sir."
"Well, hello, Miss Monroe. Wow. You clean up nice. You go to the mayor's party also?"
"I
was at the opera."
"I
am hanging out with all the wrong people, you know that?"
"Look, you promised me drinks for this, but I think I'm gonna need some dinner too."
"I'm not gonna give you anything if you don't get going. Make tracks, cowboy."
"Don't tell me you know a little something about football, please."
"Why? Is that so hard to believe?"
"No, it's just dangerous. I might ask you to marry me."
"You think Danny calls me Montana because I'm a 49er's fan?"
"He calls you that because he has a crush on you."
"Montana! See a view like this, eh? Beats the wheat field, no?"
"Have you ever even seen a wheat field?"
"What's to see? It's just wheat."
"Well, you still want that ride?"
"Yeah. Sure."
"What do you think you're doin'?"
"Danny, I'll be fine."
"We have undercovers who can do this, alright, it's not our job."
"It's been a long time since I've stood up on a date."
"Sorry
Danny, something came up."
"You're phone's not working?"
"I'm
really sorry."
"I
can't do this Danny."
"Can't do what?"
"I can't be in a
relationship with you."
"I'm not I just- I just- I don't… I'm talking about spending some time together, dinner, a few drinks, some laughs."
"I
dreamt that I woke up and you were gone. You left a note."
"Where
would I go? This is my place."
She still remembered that dream. It blew her mind to think she'd only had that dream 3 days ago.
She'd never, in a million years, expected that dream to come true. But it had. She woke up the second time and he was gone. She never saw him alive after that.
The tears flowed freely now. She didn't even try to stop them as they pooled and left little black mascara rivers down her face.
After what felt like hours, she pulled herself to her feet, pulling off her heels and tossing them into her room as she passed by.
As she made her way to the bathroom she shed the dress and stockings. By the time she reached her destination she was down to her bra and panties.
She stepped in front of the mirror and took in her appearance. She wasn't surprised by her reddened, tear stained face. She turned away and pulled down her hair, leaning over to turn the shower on as hot as possible. She had to stop this if she was going to go back to work and be functional tomorrow.
She stood under the hot stream of water, barely even feeling it burn her skin. She leaned her head against the wall in front of her, rivulets of water running down her face, mixing with her tears and falling to the floor.
She stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. She stepped out, grabbing her robe as she did so. She slipped it on and moved to the mirror, coming face to face with herself again.
Her hair was slick with water, her face was free of makeup but tinged bright red from the heat of the shower. Her eyes showed obvious bags. But she wasn't crying. That was what was important.
She gathered her clothes and headed back to her room. She picked out a pair of khaki pants, a white shirt and a blue cardigan for the next day.
Sleep was touch and go that night. Her dreams were filled with images of Danny and his bloody murder. More than once she woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily, tears soaked her pillow.
Her alarm went off at 7:30 and she was already wide awake. Pulling her body out of bed was miserable, her arms and legs felt like they were filled with lead.
She splashed some cold water on her face and managed to pull herself together for work. The whole time a little voice her head kept nagging at her. You don't have to go in. All it'll take is one little call to Mac and you can climb right back in bed and cry all day long.
But that wasn't an option. She wasn't going to allow herself to behave like that. She arrived at work a few minutes early and quietly deposited her stuff into her locker.
She turned away from her locker and her eyes landed on Danny's locker. Or, at least, what was his locker. The lock was gone, the name plate removed.
She reached out and barely touched the metal door. Her hand drifted to the pull handle. She opened it. There was nothing left. It was completely empty.
She shut the door softly and headed out. She stopped by the break room and grabbed some coffee, hoping to clear her head and wake up a bit.
She took her coffee and stepped back into the hall. The lab was quiet, not surprisingly. Even Mac's light was off and she'd half expected him to be there.
She strode slowly down the hall, dreading going into her office, looking at an empty desk all day. She wasn't even entirely sure she could do it… Maybe it is too soon… The little voice in her head taunted.
She shook her head as if to clear it of her previous thoughts and very quickly realized she was right outside their-her office.
Her grip on the coffee cup was so tight she was beginning to feel it burning her hand, but it was like she was numb. She couldn't move.
She took a cautious step into the office and her eyes landed on Danny's desk. They hadn't gotten around to cleaning it out yet. Her eyes started to water at the sight of his desk. There were a few papers strewn about, a New York Giants mug with coffee stains in it, a stack of case files with his favorite pen on top of it. She took a step closer. His computer was still on, the screensaver was a collection of photos of people in the lab at various events and parties. There were a lot of her and Danny together, most of them taken without them even realizing they were being photographed.
All of a sudden she realized she had nothing to remember him by. Someone would probably be by shortly to clean out his desk and then she'd have nothing.
She approached his desk and picked up his favorite pen and stuck it in her pocket. Then she strode around the backside of the desk and slowly sank into his chair. She "woke up" his computer, found the file with the lab pictures and emailed it to herself so she could have it as her screensaver.
Then she quickly grabbed his Giants mug and deposited all the items into her desk drawer.
When she got to her desk, she pulled her chair out and wheeled it over to Danny's desk, taking his chair back to her desk.
She sank down into it, inhaling his cologne as she did so. She closed her eyes and inhaled and for just a moment, it felt like he was there.
She sat for hours, just staring. Why am I even here? I can't even work. But she couldn't bring herself to go home either. Somehow, she felt closer to Danny by just sitting in his chair, closer than she'd felt in the last few days.
All day, unfamiliar cases and faces came and went, as the night shift was covering the day for the next few days. Mac must've called the night supervisor and told the temporary boss to keep her out of the field. So she was given mindless paperwork all day.
Stella called twice, both times trying to lure her out of the office, but she refused. The older woman couldn't blame her. Stella had spent the entire day aimlessly meandering through New York, constantly ending up at Danny's favorite haunts, each place bringing on a fresh set of tears.
No one had talked to Mac since the funeral, not even Peyton, and that wasn't for lack of trying. He'd been holed up in his apartment, combing through the case, doing everything in his power to ensure and open and shut case. Nobody killed one of his people and walked. Nobody.
Sheldon had almost gone into work. He'd set his alarm and even woken up when it went off. But he couldn't do it. He wasn't ready to face the memories yet. He wasn't ready to face Lindsay yet either.
Flack had done his best to try and have a normal day, resume daily activities, but it seemed like everything he did made him think about Danny or Lindsay, sometimes both. When he'd showered that morning, he discovered her disposable razor. When he'd been hunting through his drawers to find something to wear, he came across Danny's Yankees T-shirt that he'd left over a year ago when he'd had his apartment painted and stayed with Flack.
She didn't go home that night. She stayed at the lab, in her chair, her head down on her desk.
Flack hadn't spoken to her all day and that bothered him. He felt like he should at least make sure she was OK.
But he also recognized her need to be alone, to deal with this in her way, to have her sense of normalcy.
So he respected her space and let her have her time.
They all returned to work the following Thursday. There was a definite air of sadness looming in the office, but no one, not even Mac, knew what to say.
But they did the best they could. All of them, except for Lindsay. She hadn't been out to the field, or even the lab, since her return.
After 2 straight weeks of this, Mac knew he had no choice but to speak up. He entered her office on a Friday afternoon. He couldn't help but glance at Danny's desk. It was empty now, as most of Danny's things had found homes on the desks of his former co-workers.
Mac had managed to grab Danny's stapler on his first day back. He'd spotted Dan's tape dispenser sitting on Stella's desk. Lindsay had been displaying his Giants mug since Mac had returned. Earlier that day, he'd visited Flack and noticed he now was in possession of Dan's in/out box and Sheldon's pens were now being held in Danny's pencil cup. They might just be office supplies, but to the team, they were all the tangible things they had left of Danny.
He let his fingertips trail over it as he walked by on the way to her desk.
"We need to talk." He told her, sitting down in the chair across from her.
She pulled her eyes away from the paperwork and met his gaze.
What Mac saw made his heart flip over. Her face was ghostly pale, her eyes were red and puffy. Her hair was haphazardly pulled away from her face, her expression was that of someone who'd had their whole world yanked out from underneath them.
"Talk to me Lindsay. Things aren't right in your world. You need to let it out." He told her, leaning forward.
She turned back to her paperwork, schooling her expression to appear neutral. "I'm fine Mac."
"No, you're not. You won't work in the field, you barely leave this office, and when you are in here, you spend half the day staring at his desk." Mac argued back.
"So you're mad at me." She said softly, not bothering to even question it.
"No, I'm not. I understand, believe me, I understand. Which is why I think you need to talk to someone. A therapist, a psychologist. Somebody that can help you Lindsay." He suggested, hoping she'd agree.
"Thanks, but Mac, I don't need it. I really don't. It's nothing, we were just co-workers." She replied with a casual shrug of her shoulders. She again turned her eyes back to her paperwork.
Mac sat there for a moment longer, watching her. He stood and headed to the door, again stopping at Danny's desk.
He rested his hand against it and turned to face her again.
"I know it was more Lindsay. Don't… Don't take that away from Danny."
REVIEW
Song: Can't Let It Go – Goo Goo Dolls
This song is probably not as well known as their other songs, but it was strikingly perfect… Mostly because it recognizes that while the relationship wasn't perfect, it doesn't make it any easier to let go of it. You can deny, brush it off, pretend it didn't happen, but until you really let it go, you're stuck with it.