Disclaimer: Yadda yadda yadda, I won't own Hetalia or Avenue Q, yadda yadda yadda, here is the requested "The Internet Is For Porn" featuring the siblings Belgium and Netherlands. Enjoy!
Emma smiled as she brushed away the Styrofoam peanuts covering her newly arrived iPad 3. After pulling it out of its box and placing it on her desk with a look of utter reverence on her face, she unceremoniously swept her old laptop into the trash bin. "Oh Steve Jobs," she sighed, "why did you have to go so soon? You brought so much good to this shithole world!"
Humming, she turned on her iPad and immediately began to browse the web. "Oh man, the internet is fantastic. I'd hate to imagine the world if it had never been invented...God, the suicide rate would probably be through the roof!"
Her fingers flitting across the screen, Emma browsed through all manner of websites: Cracked, Killfrog, Bored. So many dot com websites, so little time... "Really, what the hell would I do without the internet?" She said aloud. "I might have to actually go outside," Emma shuddered. "Fuck, that's awful. But fuck outside, I have the internet!"
"The internet is really, really great," Emma sang.
She stopped when she heard someone fumbling to unlock the door. Emma stared as her older brother Lars dragged himself into the foyer and slammed the apartment door shut, red-eyed and reeking of weed, his ever-present pipe hanging from the corner of his mouth. Ambling into the living room, he tapped flakes of marijuana from his pipe onto the floor, much to her irritation.
Lars raised an eyebrow at her. "You caught the Broadway disease, too?" He drawled. "Shit's spreading like AIDS." Lars set his pipe on the desk. "This is probably just the weed talking, but I think I'll join in on your faggy little show tune."
Emma stared at him, not sure if she wanted to make this into a duet. "Um...Okay."
"What are we singing about here?" Lars asked, indifferent to the look of trepidation on her face.
"The internet," Emma sighed. I guessit won't be too bad if he joins in...
"Oh. Lame." Lars scratched at his spiky dirty-blonde hair. "Can you sing that first line again?"
Emma rolled her eyes but complied. Even stoned out of his mind, Lars was just too difficult to argue with, mostly because he just stood there glaring at you until you gave up for fear that you'd end up being found in a dumpster the next day.
"The internet is really, really great," Emma sang again.
"For porn." Lars deadpanned.
Emma glared at her brother. "Lars, you're supposed to sing it! And not about stupid porn, either!" She added irritably.
"Tch, yeah right. I don't do singing."
"You are such a...I don't even know!"
"I think the world you're looking for is 'man', zus."
"More like drug-addled assclown..."
"Sticks and stones. Now shut up and go on with this gay-ass song, I want to talk about porn some more."
Emma glared at him disgustedly but continued. "I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait!"
"For my porn," Lars said tonelessly.
"Lars, you perverted jackwad! Ugh! Never mind. There's always some new website-"
"For porn," Lars interrupted. Yeah, he definitely wasn't going to be singing. He was way too manly for that. Yup, he was fucking Manly McManlyson himself.
"I browse all day and night," Emma trilled.
"For porn," Lars said.
"It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light,"
"For porn."
"God damn it Lars, you are ruining this song! I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? Porn this, porn that, porn, porn motherfucking porn! Don't you use the internet for anything else?"
"Uh...No. The internet is for porn and only porn for me."
"Lars, I'm warning you...!"
"Why the fuck do you think the net was born? For porn, porn, and oh yeah, porn."
"LARS!"
"Oh, hej zus. When did you get here?"
"Holy shit. Fuck. You are tripping balls right now. Was there hash mixed into that pot you were smoking earlier?"
"Eh, probably. We're singing right now in this dream of mine, right?"
"Dream? What? Jesus Christ, you are seriously baked. And it's more like I'm singing and you're throwing in retarded lines about porn in a robotic monotone."
"Hm. Man, I love porn. Especially teen cams, I love how tight and pink their pussies look..."
"Oh God. That's...That's just sick. You need serious psychological help. Or shock therapy to your penis. Chemical castration. Something."
"Hey man, don't judge."
"How can I not judge? Lars, you're twenty-fucking-five-years-old. It's illegal for you to watch pornography of people that are under eighteen. Do you wanna go to prison on child porn charges?"
"If the jail I'm in has internet so I can look at more porn, than sure, why not?"
"You know what Lars? Just shut the hell up and let me finish this song by myself. Seriously, put a dick in it."
"I'd have to be high and drunk on some pretty strong shit before that happens. A.k.a. basted."
"I SAID PUT A DICK IN IT, DAMN IT!"
"Fine. Quit yelling. You're harshing my buzz."
"Thank you." "I'm glad we have this new technology,"
"For porn."
"Remember that dick we just talked about?"
"Sorry."
"Which gives us untold opportunity,"
"For po-Lars fell silent at the look on his sister's face. "Shutting up now."
"Right from your iPad or desktop,"
"For-
"P-U-T-A-D-I-C-K –I-N-I-T! What does that spell? PUT A DICK IN IT! You can research browse and shop, until you've had enough and you're ready to stop"
"For porn."
Emma put her head on the desk. "I give up. Just...go on," she sighed.
"Cool. Where was I?" Lars muttered. "Oh yeah. The internet is for porn. I stay up all night honking my horn to porn, porn, porn."
"That's so gross," Emma whimpered, desperately trying to wipe the image of her brother sitting at the computer desk and vigorously masturbating to some chick half-heartedly shoving a fire-engine-red dildo in and out of her overused axe wound."
"Fuck off, Emma. It's perfectly normal."
"Uh, no, it's not, you teen-loving sicko. What half-way normal person sits around watching and jacking off to porn on the internet?" She demanded.
"Hmm..."
"Oh God, what sick-fuckery have you come up with now?"
"Oh, nothing. Just that you have no idea how many people sit around beating off to porn...Ready normal people?" Lars called.
On cue, Antonio, Heracles and Gilbert all popped into the apartment and began to speak in unison.
"We are so fucking ready!"
"All right, let's hear it," Lars said, throwing his sister a triumphant look before joining the other three men in their chanting while Emma attempted to strangle herself with one of Lars' spare scarves in the background.
"The internet is for porn!" The men shouted.
"Sorry for keeping this from you until now, mi amorcita," Antonio said embarrassedly to Emma. "Please don't break up with me for this!" She merely sighed and waved offhandedly at him.
"The internet is for porn!" The men all repeated.
"I masturbate," Gilbert said proudly.
"It's true. All of these guys unzip their flies for porn, porn, porn," Lars mumbled. His high was starting to wear off and his enthusiasm for this musical routine was plummeting along with it.
"PORN, PORN, P-The four said before they were cut off by a furious Emma."
"HOLD ON A SECOND!" She screamed. "I've got a few questions for you perverts," she growled. "Now I know for a fact that you look at lolcat pictures and play 17 Ways to Kill Your Boss, Heracles," Emma said.
"That's true," Heracles mumbled sleepily, looking like he was going to fall out at any second.
She turned to Gilbert next. "And you harass your cousin Roderich on AIM using multiple screen names, send him viruses via email, have a fake facebook account impersonating him so you can make it look like he's in a relationship with a goat and that his hobbies include anal stimulation using flutes and sucking donkey dicks and maintain a blog dedicated entirely to yourself and your retarded exploits."
"Kesesesese. True. And they're my awesome exploits, biatch."
"Whatever," Emma said." "And you, Tony," she said, casting a baleful glance at her boyfriend. "You sent me that adorable list of 101 Different Ways to Say 'I Love You!"
"Si, I did!" Antonio said cheerfully.
Lars ruined the moment by snorting. "Tch. What do you think your Latin Lover did afterwards, Emma?"
Her eyes widened. "No," she said slowly.
"...Yeah," Antonio whispered shamefacedly.
"EW!" Emma screeched. She was seriously considering jamming a pencil into each of her eyes and slamming her head down on the table, thus driving them through her brain and killing her at this horrible revelation. Sweet, clueless Antonio fapping right after...
Her thoughts of suicide were cut off by her brother and his friends picking up their chant once again.
"The internet is for porn!"
"So grab your dick and double click,"
"For porn, porn, porn, porn,"
"Porn, porn, porn, porn,"
"The internet is for,"
"Yes, the internet is for,"
"The internet is for,"
"PORN! YEAH BITCHES!" They finished and looked at her expectantly.
Emma slowly raised her head from her arms. "You're all disgusting," she said softly. "You're nothing but a bunch of filthy perverts. But go ahead. Watch your precious porn. Watch it until you jerk your dicks raw and the skin starts to peel off in handfuls. Watch it until you run out of semen and can only ejaculate a mixture of blood and dust, which will be fantastic, as it'll ensure that you'll never doom the world with your degenerate spawn. I don't give a shit anymore. You've...You've broken me." She pushed herself out of her chair. "I'll be back in a few hours. I have to go wash everything I own."
Immediately, Antonio ran after her, sobbing. "Please Emma, don't leave me! I promise, I'll stop watching porn! Er...I'll only watch it on Saturdays! Please, come back!" He screamed, running into her room while waving his arms like a hummingbird that had been doped up on PCP.
"What's her deal?" Gilbert muttered as he walked out of the door. "Calling us perverts...We're not perverts, we're just being men! So un-awesome. Man, bitches will never understand the awesome that is porn..."
Lars shrugged. "Whatever. I'm outta here." He strolled out the door as well, presumably in search of his dealer. And maybe a hooker. What, just because he liked porn didn't mean he didn't enjoy the real deal.
After making sure that everyone was out of the living room, Heracles sat in Emma's abandoned seat, fished her discarded laptop out of the trash, and plugged it in. Typing in his search on Google, he clicked on the website hosting the video "Sperms of Endearment", settled back, and unzipped his fly while yawning. "Time for a pre-nap banana buffing session," he mumbled.