A/N: This chapter takes place at the same time as the last one.

"The Erroneous Assumption Predicament"

Chapter 6 – Sheldon

Ahhh, how I love my spot. It is indeed the most comfortable place in the world.

Although, I probably should try to sleep. It's only 7 PM now, but I am so tired. No, tired doesn't even begin to describe how drained I feel.

I'm awake for most of the nights and nothing is helping. I recited Pi to a thousand places over and over again, replayed the new Avengers movie from the first to the last second in my head, and even counted way too many sheep like simple people do.

Why the heck counting an animal whose coat is sheared for warmth and eat grass is supposed to make me enter REM sleep is beyond me. It's stupid.

I have even ranked all sorts of things, like my favorite elements, my favorite star constellations, and my favorite moments with Amy.

Admittedly, the last was a bad idea, because it somehow upset me greatly, which is strange because usually I feel very uplifted when I think about Amy.

Then again, she's not giving me much reason lately to feel uplifted. This asinine 'break' is going on for two weeks now and there is no sign that it will end soon. We have missed two Date Nights now.

No Date Night kisses for me in two weeks! It's unnerving. Doesn't she miss kissing me? Doesn't she miss me… even a little bit?

How much more time will she need to reevaluate our situation? I still don't know what's going on. Penny was no help the other day as all she did was repeat what the others told me.

'Commitment issues'

What a load of malarkey, indeed. Besides, like she has any room to talk. I'll probably have several Nobel Prizes before those two commit to a legal pair-bond.

The only thing useful I got from Penny was her phone. She really should be more careful with her things and not leave them out in the open. There are thieves among us taking advantage of such carelessness.

I mean, I did not steal it of course. I'm no thief... not like Amy, who unashamedly stole my heart...

Geez! Even in my head I sound like a hippie now!

Anyhow, Penny just lost it... sort of... and I found it... in a way... in her purse... in her apartment...

I will give it back to her of course... probably... maybe...

That depends on Amy really. What else was I supposed to do when she's still screening my calls? I had no other choice! Desperate times require desperate measures, right?

Even though I have to dumb down to the extreme, at least I am communicating with Amy. Although, I have to say I'm a little disappointed in the lack of information I got out of her in regards to our 'situation'. I just asked a few times if she still loves me and how long this break will last, but apparently she doesn't even want to share this information with her Bestie. No wonder Penny is at a loss as much as I am.

What did Amy mean though with her comment that Penny would be a 'Team Sheldon cheerleader'?

I don't have a team. I don't do sports.

I truly wish she would just speak to me. I don't want to die without having spoken to her at least once again, since it is obvious by now that I will die very soon.

It's not only that I can't sleep at all. Why I was so accepting of the idiotic theory that the reason for being unable to sleep soundly would be Amy's reluctance to see how silly this break is, is completely beyond me. How could I have ignored all the other troubling symptoms!?

I've lost my appetite altogether. Everything tastes stale and after I force myself to swallow down a bit, I feel so sick that I could throw up. The doctor said there's nothing physically wrong with me, not even a gastric ulcer, but I don't believe him. The troglodyte just took my co-pay and sent me on my way.

He somehow involved all the other doctors in this conspiracy as they said the same thing. It's as clear as crystal that I have a tumor in my brain. Why else would I have this constant splitting headache?

Well at least I'll make her happy when I'm dead. Finally she can cut up my brain and have a look at my striatum she loves so much...

Oh what a magical Date Night it was when we got our brains scanned. She has such a large frontal lobe... hmmm, so enticing...

Ugh! There it is again! Something is obviously wrong with my heart as well!

I know it makes funny beats whenever I'm with Amy, so I am used to the jumping and racing heartbeat by now. I know that it's because I enjoy her company so much... and the kissing.

Yet, she is not here right now, and my heart rhythm is off its normal 76 beats per minute and I am obviously demonstrating symptoms that this vital organ is not functioning sufficiently. Improper blood flow could affect my genius! The world of physics will suffer if this is not corrected soon.

That the cardiologist didn't see this anomaly on my EKG is utterly unnerving.

When I will die, probably any second now, it will be all Leonard's fault. Why couldn't he just keep his blabbermouth shut and had to tell every doctor we went to that I'm having 'girlfriend problems'? Naturally these dimwitted charlatans waived my suffering to be the result of 'emotional stress'.

Please, there's nothing I can't do better than to control my emotions. Morons!

I really wish I wouldn't have done the ranking of the 'Best Amy Moments'. Damn my 'pathological need for closure'!

Anyway, there are so many, it felt like forever until I got to the best one, which was of course the day I met her. Since then I can't stop thinking about it.

I remember everything from that day.

I remember the colorful cardigan she wore and how I thought that this is finally a woman with taste, unlike most of her gender. Her hair was shorter as it is now and I found myself liking that she's a brunette and not a blonde. I wondered for a moment why I even care about her hair color.

I can still smell her scent. No perfume or something I think, but intoxicating all the same.

I remember how I thought of 'The Green Lantern' when I looked into her eyes for the first time and how much I liked that. They are really the perfect hue of from the color spectrum.

How I found the tone of her voice so very pleasant. It was the most enchanting sound I had ever heard, except for her delightful laughter as we made fun of Howard sitting at the next table with Raj. I enjoyed her humor so much, the perfect blend of wit and sophistication. How it thrilled me when I could make her laugh with one of my quips.

I know every word she said by heart. How dumbstruck I was when I realized she's as smart as I am and how every brilliant remark left me almost breathless.

I remember every move she made. How I watched her fingers when she told me about how fun it is to dissect brains looking for tumors. How a drop of water lingered on her lower lip before she licked it away with the tip of her tongue.

I remember like it was yesterday how my heart made a tiny, almost unnoticeable, jump when she agreed to give me her number so that I could contact her again.

I wondered for the longest time what that meant. I even went to a cardiologist back then as well. Three times, but they didn't find anything though. Seriously, this area has multiple world renowned medical systems and out of all I can't find any competent doctors?!

Either way, sometimes I wish I could turn back time to that day. I should have searched my apartment from the bottom to the top for that dirty sock instead of letting my supposed friends blackmail me into meeting her. They said she was 'scientifically chosen to be my perfect mate'. I knew I was right when I told Raj and Howard that matchmaking is complete hokum.

Oh well, and now here I am suffering from an undetected disease all alone, while she seems to do just great without me.

Seeing her earlier today again was nice though. Of course, how I ended up in front of her lab once more is another thing to worry about. I apparently lost conscious control about my own movements. All I wanted was a tea to help with my lack of focus. I clearly remember leaving my office to go to the cafeteria, but before I knew it, I found myself in the Neuroscience department. Just like the days before. I didn't even care that I must have looked like a peeper, standing there staring at her through the open door, hiding behind the doorframe...

She looked so busy and concentrated cutting whatever yucky thing she was dissecting at that moment… brains I think.

Now that I think about it, there were a lot of those lying around.

What was a bit strange though was that she seemed to talk to the brains. I couldn't hear her properly but I think she asked them something about the Fourth of July...

Curious... maybe she's gone nuts after all. That would really explain her unreasonable behavior lately.

My poor Amy... she's sick too. Wouldn't it much nicer if we could be sick together?

Anyway, I just stood there for… I don't even know. It could have been five minutes or five hours…

I think they're going to fire me soon. I am really of no use at work. I do try to get something meaningful done, but I just can't find concentration, no doubt due to the brain tumor eating all my brilliance away. So sad that the human race has to survive without my genius. Without me it will perish, that's for sure.

I wish I could at least figure out this dilemma I am having with Amy before I die. I should give it another try tomorrow. Everything can be explained with mathematics after all. The chart I made today on my white board with all the significant dates of our relationship didn't help though to bring order into this mess.

What's even worse is what happened three days ago. I tried to read an interesting article about an experiment they conducted in Europe. I have read it not once, not twice but thrice and afterwards I was still not sure what it was about. I'm probably losing IQ points by the minute!

(DING)

Oh, I got a text… Oh yay! It's from Amy!

"Hey Girlfriend Penny, How's it hangin' Can I get a What what?"

Huh?

"What?"

Okay, I need to go into 'Penny mode':. I'm not a genius. I don't know the difference between a boson and a fermion. I didn't even make it at community college…

Ugh, probably just a few more days and I won't have to dumb down anyway.

"Look I think we should get completely blotto tonight and find some random guys for coitus."

WHAT THE- WHAAAT?!

She cannot be serious! It's probably girl code for something…right? Better be sure though.

"Do you REALLY want to do that?"

"Maybe we can just find one guy, and split him? Whatcha think, girlfriend? Sheldon would never know…"

Oh God, oh God, oh God! She doesn't love me anymore. She doesn't love me anymore!

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry…

Yes, I need to calm down. Maybe it's still part of the code? I mean 'split' a guy? How would that work? Wouldn't he be dead cut in half? That would be just messy and gross.

All that body fluid… yuck.

Maybe she just wants his brain since she seems to be obsessed with them. Yes, maybe she needs more brains and used 'coitus' as a trick to lure Penny in to help her killing the man to get his.

That would be so much better than the idea that she would want to have intercourse with someone else.

More to the point, shouldn't she know that any other man would be a sad consolation prize in comparison to me...brain and sex wise?

"I thought you loved Sheldon. Amy, are you sure? Sheldon loves you and we both know that any other man for coitus would pale in comparison to him."

She said on Skype she would still love me. Did that change in the last two weeks?

Oh God, I feel so sick suddenly!

Of course I have a gastric ulcer! Am I not showing the most common symptoms? Poor appetite, nausea and this horrendous abdominal pain, that I feel right now. How I got infected with the Helicobacter pylori bacteria is incomprehensible. I am always so careful with what and whom I touch. No one is as cautious as I am with germs! NO ONE! Yet somehow this infernal microorganism found a way to colonize my antral mucosa. It is outrageous! That the incapable 'doctor' refused to perform a gastroscopy or let me at least swallow barium to diagnose this deadly disease is scandalous! What's taking Amy so long to answer? I asked a simple question, didn't I?!

Oh, she already did… Is something's wrong with my ears too? Probably.

"I do, but I would never want to put him through something he would hate. I have physical needs that are bubbling to the surface of my over active loins! I think I just need to find some random guy to fulfill me sexually and then have a relationship of the mind with Sheldon! He will love it! I should tell him! He would think it is a wonderful idea, don't you think... Penny?"

NO ONE IS FULFILLING ANYTHING EXCEPT ME!

ME! ME! ME!

Oh right. I am still Penny… but I'm also Sheldon's friend and I don't want to have Amy giving it away to some stranger. No, no, no.

"I'm sure he would NOT love this. He would most definitely think that it's a BAD idea. Like really REALLY BAD!"

I wonder though, why she would possibly think, that I would 'love' this idea. Ugh, why is all she says and does lately completely inexplicable? It's like logic defied her altogether.

"PS : Why do you think that Sheldon would hate to fulfill your physical needs?"

Now that I think about it, isn't she worried about me meeting some random woman to fulfill my needs? Doesn't she care about that at all? I mean, I do have needs... thanks solely to her.

I have found out lately though, that I also have options. Just yesterday one of my students came up and asked if I would like to discuss the findings of this simulation that was conducted by theoretical physicists from the University of the Basque Country.

Now I even have to let ordinary students explain me things. How humiliating!

At least I know now what this article was about. The experiment explains the collision between two clusters of galaxies. It's really intriguing because rare, extreme examples of clusters caught in the act of colliding seem to be challenging the up until now accepted view that dark matter is made up of heavy particles.

That's significant indeed and I would have loved to talk about this and I almost agreed to go to her place but for the fact that Raj dragged me away from her. He said that she was 'obviously' flirting with me and that the invitation was clearly a ruse to 'get into my pants'. I totally missed that.

Just the thought of anybody else but Amy trying to get into my pants stresses me out.

Ah, finally her answer.

"It's been five years and while he was kissing me, he thought of a TV Show. Not how I felt, or what he felt. He didn't think, God I want to do this more, or why did I wait so long. He didn't think, I wonder if she is enjoying this as much as I am. Or even, what might we do next. Not only on that couch, but with our lives together. No, he thought. Should I watch a show? Because if kissing me wasn't enticing enough to keep his undivided attention. Either I wasn't enough for him or he never wanted it."

HUH?!

I knew it. My poor Amy is totally confused. She thinks she can read my mind! If she could, she would know that I did think that I really shouldn't have waited so long for making out with her. Not to mention that I did think about what we might do next. MORE KISSING!

But she didn't let me kiss her, so how come that it's my fault?! Also, I for one know perfectly well what to do next with our lives. That is way I have the fancy ring in my desk. The question is, does she? I should ask her!

No, wait! I am still Penny, and Penny doesn't know what I thought about on our anniversary and thanks to my very persuasive arguments, I know that Penny doesn't know about the ring as well. Really, if I find out that any of the guys told them about it, I will tell the women everything I know about what their men ever did or said about them. I just love my eidetic memory.

Anyhow, where was I? Ah, yes.

"How do you know all that? Did he ever SAY ANYTHING of what you are assuming here? Yes, he mentioned a TV show, but that didn't mean that anything of what you said here would be true."

She really couldn't be more wrong with her assumptions…I wonder how she got all these ideas in her head.

"I know it's you Sheldon! I know you never found me attractive and that you never wanted more than at relationship of the mind. I should just give that to you. I don't need coitus Sheldon. I wanted it with you, but I didn't need it as much as you thought I did. Don't steal anyone else's phone."

Dang it!

"What else was I supposed to do when you refuse to talk to me? Please, can we meet? Or just talk? Will you PLEASE call me?"

She isn't answering. She must have switched off her phone. Drat!

I never found her attractive? That's ridiculous!

Obviously I noticed that she's the prettiest woman on the planet. I may have many shortcomings, or so people say, but I'm not blind!

What does it matter anyway? We are above these shallow things.

Not to mention that I most certainly wouldn't exchange saliva with her if I wouldn't find her hot as hell-

'Hot as hell?' I spend too much time with the guys. It's true, though! I tried as hard as I could to raise myself above the constraints of the human existence, but only a dead man would be able to resist such a remarkable IQ combined with all her female attributes that are just a delight to look at!

And I'm not dead…

Also, if I really just wanted a relationship of the mind, then we would have one. She must know that! Why isn't she?

All right, now that she's figured it out, I should give Penny her phone back.

"Penny."

Will knocking only once...

"Penny."

... ever be enough?

"Penny."

"Hey Shel- Geez, you look like shit!"

Of course I do. I am a dying man after all. She doesn't look much better with dark circles under her eyes.

"You too."

"Well, 'thank you'. What's up?"

"Here. I found your phone."

"Oh great! Where was it?"

Son of a biscuit! I didn't think of a believable cover story. Man, and I'm usually so good at it! If Leonard would have stuck to it, no one would know to this day that he hooked up with Priya behind Raj's back.

"Uhm..."

"I was looking for it for days in mine and your apartment. I almost bought a new one. Where did you find it?"

"Uhm..."

What's she doing? Oh no! She's going through the texts!

"Oh Penny, no need to read-"

"What's that? I didn't text with Amy this week..."

Why, oh why didn't I delete the messages before returning her phone? Oh my, the tumor is progressing much faster than I thought! Ugh, I just want to cry and bewail my sad fate…

"Wait a second..."

Uh oh, I'm so firmly attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.

"I have to go! Bye!"

Ow, she's gripping my arm too tightly!

"Stop you ass! You used my phone to text Amy and on top of it you pretended to be me!"

DANGER! She's going to hit me!

"OUCH! My arm! That hurt!"

Ow, ow, ow... I will have a bruise from that for weeks!

"How could you?! I'm telling you, you are not making things better with her when you pull crap like this!"

"But she isn't talking to me! What else-"

"JUST - SUCK - IT - UP! You messed up and now she needs time. I told you that OVER AND OVER AGAIN!"

Ugh, this again...

"Penny, over and over again I've told you that you're wrong! I didn't mess up anything and she-"

"It's hopeless. Sheldon, I don't have the time or the strength to go over this again with you. I am meeting with Leonard later and that will be exhausting enough."

"Hey! I can walk on my own, no need to shove me!"

"Bye. Now leave Amy alone!"

Ouch! The slamming of her door hurt in my ears. Oh good Lord, I knew it! Now I'm going deaf as well! I need to make another doctor's appointment immediately!

Hi! QBMaja here. Thanks so much for reading and for the reviews.

Will they EVER speak again? Who knows, but what we know is what's next: Another Girls Night and Sheldon and Leonard on a mission... Stay tuned!