Gluttony
They say that you learn something new every day. And thinking on it after this awful day in what was left in District 12, having other people invade our woods and our spot even though I was still angry at Katniss…But it got me thinking about Katniss and how I know she's kind of not mine anymore but I'd do anything for one more kiss.
I've come to the conclusion she only loves me (in whatever way that is) when I'm in pain. After all, she didn't kiss me until I was within an inch of death's door. She doesn't pay attention unless I'm hurt or showing her any pain I have. And yet…I'll do it again just for her attention. Which brings me to what I've learned about myself today.
I'm a glutton for punishment.
It's really just a theory with her, but one I'm willing to test (not to mention the benefits that may come from it). It only strengthens that idea when Cressida asks if either of us have ever been tortured when we pass what is left of the gallows and I silently take off my shirt, the dark red scars lacing my back predominantly reminding her of that day, and she leaves with some ridiculous excuse to her house in Victor's Village. My theory grows as I smirk inside and put my shirt back on, waiting with the rest of the people for her to come back. When she doesn't in about ten minutes I offer to go find her.
My theory will involve showing painful emotions and bringing back difficult memories, but I'm going to do it regardless. I'm craving her kiss, missing it. I want more than that actually, an excess of kisses and more would be great.
Walking in silently, I find her on the ground actually gathering things in a box for her mother in the kitchen on the floor. She doesn't sense me come in and my eyes fall on the wood-grained table, the very one where I laid near death. The very one she kissed me on.
Stretching my hands across the wood grain, I idly wonder if my own blood has seeped into the cracks of it, if it's waiting there, keeping its memory ingrained in it. She finally realizes I'm here and sets the box on the table but I don't bother looking up, knowing she's waiting for me to speak.
"Remember? This is where you kissed me." I finally break my vow to let her bring it up, but since I can't seem to help myself I do it anyway. I glance up through my eyelashes and find surprise on her face.
"I didn't think you'd remember that." She informs me, and I almost smirk at it bitterly. What, did she not want me to remember? I'm certainly glad I do.
"Have to be dead to forget." I tell her, thinking that I was already pretty damn close to that at the time. "Maybe not even then. Maybe I'll be like that man in the hanging tree…still waiting for an answer."
And without my permission though I did this to myself willingly, my eyes start watering at the surge of pain it brings back. At the pain at saying the very words because I know they're true and that hurts the worst.
Then her lips press to mine in a gentle kiss and I realize bitterly that my theories are both correct. I really am a glutton for punishment, because somehow this makes it worth it.
I pull away with a wry grin and decide to let her in on my theory. "I knew you'd kiss me."
"How?" she asks, surprised. As if she didn't know herself.
"Because I'm in pain; That's the only way I get your attention." I reply truthfully. "Don't worry, it will pass." I let her know as I take the box and leave.
And it is true, this pain will ebb away eventually. But I have every intention of willingly bringing it back for more attention from Katniss, and I don't actually care that it will probably hurt me in the end. Because I somehow love the punishment.