Jazzy Family Guy Music Plays.
The first Pic starts off with the screen that says "Family Guy Presents"
A second pic shows the trio riding on a sleigh with the screen that says "Road to The North Pole"
The third shows Stewie sitting in a chair scared of Brian & Glory as ghosts.
The fourth shows them making snow people. Glory made a snow Akihiko. Brian made a snowgirl. And Stewie made Rupert as a muscular man.
The fifth shows Stewie on a sleigh whipping Brian, as a reindeer, to chase Glory; who was running away.
The sixth shows the trio as ornaments on a christmas tree.
The seventh shows them in the snowy woods at night by a campfire roasting marshmallows.
The eighth shows Stewie sliding down a hill on Brian. And Glory sliding down on her boyfriend Akihiko.
The ninth shows them Glory and Brian as burglars out the window as Stewie screams. This is just like Home Alone.
The tenth shows them having a snowball fight. Stewie was about to launch a huge snowball on his catapult.
The eleventh shows Brian being shocked by christmas lights as Stewie turned them on.
The twelveth shows the three as christmas cookies. But someone bit off Stewie's left eye.
The thirteenth shows them putting coal in Meg's stocking.
And the final one shows Brian, Akihiko, and Glory making snow angels. Stewie made a snow devil.
Ron: Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father. And I'm here to tell you the story of a very special Christmas in Quahog. Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, but I think he's dead. Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and now he made this.
(Quahog)
Ron: Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmastime. The town was blanketed with snow, the trees were being trimmed, and everyone was making up their Christmas lists.
The citizens of Quahog began to sing.
Peter: "Jessica Biel and Megan Fox" "wearing nothing but their socks" "is all I really want for Christmas this yeeeeeear!"
Brian: Well, that's just not practical.
Lois: "Spending a week in Mexico" "with some black guys and some blow" "is all I really want for Christmas this yeeeeeear!"
Peter: Oh, that sounds terrific. How about you, kids?
Chris: "I would like a pair of skates." "Then I'd go out skating." "But I really don't know how to skaaate!" Ha-ha!
Meg: "I want a Lexus all in pink, and a dad who doesn't drink."
Peter: "Oh, and that reminds me Twelve kegs of beeeeeer!"
Griffins: "All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all I really want this yeeear!"
Brian: Santa's got his work cut out for him.
Peter: Oh, we ain't even gotten started yet.
Lois: "I want to tour the Spanish coast."
Peter: "Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost."
Peter and Lois: "That's all I really want for Christmas this yeeeeeear!"
Lois: Wait. What?
Peter: Forget it. Keep going.
Chris: "Jennifer Garner in my bed."
Meg: "Softer voices in my head."
Chris and Meg: "That's all I really want for Christmas this yeeeeeear!"
Glory: "You and I, we're not foes."
Akihiko: "We're under the mistletoe."
Glory and Akihiko: "That's all we really want for Christmas this yeeeeeear!" (Kiss)
Stewie: "Yellow cake uranium." "Never mind the reason." "Also Chutes and Ladders and a baaaall!" (laughing)
Brian: "Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?"
Peter: "Poo on you, it's not enough!"
Stewie: "Buddy boy, I got your Christmas right heeeeeere!"
His nuts.
Griffins: "All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all I really want this yeeear!"
Brian: I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive.
Lois: Oh, get off your soap box, Brian. It's Christmas.
Peter: And Christmas is about gettin'! Everyone in town knows that!
Quagmire: "Japanese girls with no restraint" "just to choke me till I faint" "is all I really want for Christmas this yeeeeeear!" Ooh, giggity!
Bonnie: "Platinum-plated silverware."
Joe: "Just one day when kids don't stare."
Bonnie and Joe: "That's all I really want for Christmas this yeeeeear!"
Mort: "If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport, I will go to court and sue your ass!" Happy holidays!
Mayor West: "Wouldn't I love a tinker toy."
Herbert: "And a little drummer boy. He can either tap his drum or my reeeeeear."
Mort, Mayor West, Herbert: "All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all I really want this year!"
Tom: "I want a golden mustache comb."
Angela: "And some spermicidal foam."
Tom and Angela: "That's all I really want for Christmas this yeeeeeear."
Carter: "I want a brand-new pitching wedge."
Consuela: "I would like more Lemon Pledge."
Carter and Consuela: "That's all I really want for Christmas this yeeeeeear."
Bruce: "I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffreeeey."
Jillian: "I just want some colored Easter eeeeggs."
Carl: "I want a Blu-Ray of The Wiz."
Hanson: "We don't know what Christmas is!" "We have something else called Gishgemfloofneeeeeer!"
Everyone: "All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all I really want... this... yeeeeear!"
(Quahog Mall)
Stewie: I am so excited to see Santa Claus. You know what I think is really wonderful? Of all the malls in this great country of ours, he chooses to come here. Year after year. You know, I mean, who Who are we? You know? I'll tell you who we are. The lucky ones.
Brian: Uh-oh.
Glory: What?
Brian: Look.
They saw a long line.
Stewie: Oh, my God, look at the line.
Brian: Damn it, we're gonna be here forever.
Stewie: Hey, wait, look! There's Quagmire, way up front. We can cut in line with him.
Glory: Good idea, Stewie.
Brian: Uh, wait, guys. He doesn't like me so mu (sighs)
They cut in line behind Quagmire.
Brian: Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wha Wow. What What are you doing here?
Quagmire: Oh, hi, Brian. Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else.
Brian: Wow, cool. Cool. Oh, man, we'll just hang with you guys here. Who's this little guy? Huh? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy, you here to see Santa? Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year.
Quagmire: That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.
Stewie: Uh-oh.
Glory: Here we go.
Quagmire: Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair?
Brian: Oh, gosh, I I didn't know. I'm so I'm so sorry.
Quagmire: Oh, you're sorry? For For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a five-year-old cancer patient?
Brian: Oh, come on. I I didn't know she was dying.
Quagmire: Who said anything about dying?!
Glory: Whoops!
Abby: Uncle Glenn, am I dying?
Quagmire: No, sweetheart, you're not dying. 'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain. Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here.
The trio went to the back of the line.
Stewie: Should have gone into politics, Bri.
Glory: Way to go, Brian! You just couldn't stop talking. Now we have to go to the back of the line.
Stewie: And what the hell! Why isn't the line moving?
Brian: I don't know. It's always the same thing. Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day.
It was Peter.
Peter: Yeah, yeah. And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box and I want a Magna Doodle and a new Uno game on a 'cause of I lost the "Draw 2" card. And I want a pet animal that's half chinchilla and half mink, 'cause it'd be really soft, and I could call it chink, and that's okay.
The line was getting shorter and shorter.
Brian: Geez, doesn't the mall close soon? We've been here forever.
Stewie: Would you relax? We're right here. I'm next.
A mom took a pic of her child with Santa and left.
Stewie: Hello, Santa. Now, um, we've got a slight problem here, because I have been rather naughty. But you're a business man, I'm a business man. I'm sure we can work something out.
He was planning to bribe Santa with one dollar. Santa then put up a close sign.
Stewie: Wait. What are you doing? Santa? You can't leave now!
Brian: Hey, wait Wait, buddy, buddy, we've been in line for, like, two hours.
Mall Santa: Sorry. I'm done. You want your kid to sit on my lap, meet me at the bar at Applebee's. (Exit)
Glory: Well that was a waste of our time.
Brian: Yeah I know. Sorry, Stewie.
Stewie: That son of a bitch. He just turned his back on me. The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey.
(Flashback)
Gary: How am I doing today, Gary Busey?
Reflection: You're doing great!
Gary: Good! Then I'll keep it up!
(Griffin House)
Chris, Meg, Glory, and Brian were making a Christmas Tree.
Stewie: Hey, give me your keys. I need your car.
Brian: What? You're not taking my car.
Stewie: Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go.
Stewie dragged Brian to the door.
Glory: Where are you going with Brian, Stewie?
Stewie: To the North Pole to see Santa Claus.
Glory: The North Pole?
Stewie: That's right. If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming.
Brian: Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa, but I'm not driving you to the North Pole.
Lois hung up the phone.
Lois: Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU. Now, I think we should go down there to support him.
Brian: Wh What?
Glory: Uh oh!
Lois: Yeah, apparently, something happened at the mall, and she took a turn for the worse. They don't know how much time she has left. Quagmire just called. He's really upset. It doesn't sound like he wants us there for some reason, but we should go anyway.
Brian: All right, let's go to the North Pole.
Glory: I'm in.
Ron: And so Glory, Brian, and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole. Hey, you want to hear a real live-action fart instead of one of those fake cartoony ones? (Breaking wind) We're gonna need another pair of pants and another chair.
(Burrillville, Rhode Island)
Brian drives Glory and Stewie to the North Pole. And Stewie fell asleep the whole trip.
Glory: Brian, we're not going to the actual North Pole right?
Brian: No.
Glory: Then where are we going?
Brian: To a place that seems like the North Pole.
Glory: Oooohh!
Brian: Yeah! Just don't say anything to Stewie when he wakes up, alright?
Glory: Got it. I'll keep a secret better than dad when he spoiled Meg's surprise.
(Flashback)
Lois: Remember Peter. Just keep it a secret. Ok?
Peter: Yeah got it.
Meg entered the kitchen.
Meg: Hey Mom. Hey Dad. What are you guys talking about?
Lois: Uh...nothing!
Meg: Oh. Ok.
She went to the fridge.
Peter: Your surprise party's in the backyard.
Lois dropped the dishes in her hand.
(Reality)
He parked the car.
Brian: Hey, Stewie, wake up. We're here. We're at the North Pole.
Stewie: Oh, uh. What? What? What? Uh, North Pole?
Brian parked in front of a place that says Santa's Village.
Stewie: (Excited) North Pole! North Pole! There it is! My word, I really must have been asleep!
Glory: You sure were. Let's go.
They walked up to a sign that says North Pole.
Stewie: Ah, look at this. The tip of the Earth. Okay, let's go see Santa Claus.
Brian: Alright, let's go.
They continued on.
Stewie: Well, this is rather festive, isn't it?
Stewie noticed a boy riding on a ride.
Stewie: Small.
Glory: Yeah quite.
He then noticed a cold goat.
Brian: Well, it has to be small because of all the tiny elves.
Stewie: Ah, that's right. Good. Good point. Elves.
Black Elf: Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls? Y'alls ready to kick it in some fine North Pole gear?
Stewie: Brian, Glory, why does the North Pole have black teenagers?
Glory: Uh 'cause From, uh, Katrina?
Stewie: Ah, of course. All right. Well, uh, I just have one more question, then.
Glory: What's that?
Stewie points gun to the two.
Stewie: (Yell) Do you think I'm an idiot?! Huh? Do you?
Glory: Stewie, just calm down.
Brian: Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous...
He pushed the two down.
Stewie: (Yell) You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, guys! There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit! Nobody vomits at the North Pole! Except for Santa's wife because she has an eating disorder!
Brian: What?
Stewie: (Yell) Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that!
Glory: How'd you know this wasn't the North Pole?
Stewie: (Yell) I heard everything while I was sleeping in the car. You thought I didn't hear the flashback either?
Glory: Oh right.
Brian: Stewie, just pull yourself together.
Stewie: I won't, Brian! Now get your asses back into that hippie car and take me to the North Pole now!
Brian: Look, I know you're upset, but why Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list, and I promise I will mail it to Santa Claus?
Stewie: Screw that. This was never about Christmas presents.
Glory: Stewie, if it wasn't about the presents, why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole?
Stewie: Because Glory, I'm going to kill Santa Claus!
Ron: So it turned out Stewie was determined to kill Santa Claus. Would he succeed? Well, let's find out.
Brian: Wait a minute, why the hell do you want to kill Santa?
Stewie: Because that fat bastard blew me off at the mall, and he shall not go unpunished. Now, let's go. I've got it all planned out. I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm gonna blow his brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching.
Brian: This is ridiculous. We are not going to the North Pole. Trust me, it's a waste of time. You're not gonna find Santa.
Stewie: Why not?
Glory: Because there's no such...
They saw Stewie looking surprised.
Glory: Uh?
Brian: Uh... Because when you get there, you may find out it isn't what you thought it was.
Glory: Yeah and we wouldn't want you to be disappointed.
Stewie: That's it? That's your reason? Well, you know, you know why nothing works out for the two of you? Because you've got negative attitudes. Like Eeyore.
(Flashback)
Pooh: Come on, Eeyore, let's go play.
Eeyore: I don't feel like it.
Pooh: Why are you always in such a bad mood?
Eeyore: I have a nail in my anus.
Pooh: Oh.
(Reality)
Brian: That's not fair. We don't have negative attitudes. I just I I don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous journey whe
Glory: Where'd he go?
They found him riding in a truck.
Stewie: Say yes to life, Dog and Girl! I'll be home for Christmas.
Brian: Son of a bitch!
Glory: Let get him.
They hopped in Brian's car and went after Stewie.
Stewie: So, what are we hauling, good buddy?
Driver: Oh, I got a flock of birds that were too tired to fly back north.
Bird 1: Boy, this is the way to do it, huh, Jerry?
Bird 2: Sure is. Think this makes us lazy?
Bird 1 Nah, we're still in the V-shape.
Literally.
The two vehicles passed a sign that says 'Welcome to Massachusetts'. Then New Hampshire. Then Maine. Then Canada.
Stewie: What is this? This is a weird gun.
Driver: Yeah. Don't touch that.
Stewie: Oh, it's a flare gun.
Driver: Maybe you should put that back.
Stewie: I'm just holding it. Is this the trigger?
He pulled the trigger and the flare went to the back of the truck, which caught on fire. They screamed, crashed into cars, the birds flew away and were on fire. Stewie flew out the windshield and the truck fell off a cliff and exploded. One of its tires broke Brian's windshield and Brian's car slipper on oil and parked into snow. Brian got hit with the airbag and his door broke off. They saw Stewie wiping himself off.
Brian: Oh, my God, Stewie, you all right? What the hell happened?
Stewie: Eh, just some stupid stuff went down.
Brian: You could have been killed! We could have been killed! Look at my car!
Glory: Do you have any idea what you put us through?
Stewie: Well, you know, if you had just taken me to the real North Pole to see Santa, none of this would have happened!
Stewie puts his thumb up by the road.
Glory: Stewie, what the hell are you doing now?
Stewie: Hitching a ride. I'm gonna keep heading north until I find Santa.
Brian: Stewie, you're not gonna find him.
Stewie: You guys do what you want, but I am going to the North Pole and I'm gonna kill that bastard!
Brian: Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, but I have no choice.
Glory: Yeah Brian. Tell him the truth.
Stewie: What? Truth? What truth?
Brian: You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist.
Stewie: (Chuckle) R R Really, Brian? He doesn't exist?
Glory: It's true. He's not real.
Stewie: Oh, interesting. Interesting theory. Um, who else isn't real, hmm? You gonna tell me that Elmo isn't real? Huh? SpongeBob? Is he not real? Is Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business? Hmm? And what about Curious George? Huh? Does he not really exist? Hmm? Is Curious George not really out there making little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering? Huh? Educate yourself, you fools.
Glory: Look, Stewie, if you'd just listen to us for a sec.
Stewie: No, you listen! I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you two.
Brian: What?
Stewie: When Lois does that middle-of-the-night feeding where she doesn't even open her eyes or really wake up, I'll let you take that one for me, Brian.
Brian: Are you serious?
Stewie: Quite.
Brian: Okay.
Glory: And what about me, Stewie?
Stewie: Um, I could... UUUUHHH... do all your chores for a week.
Glory: Two weeks.
Stewie: A month.
Glory: Done.
The trio went to Brian's car.
Brian: Damn it, it won't turn over.
It still wouldn't work.
Brian: Great! Not even halfway through Canada, and we're stuck.
A truck came by and parked it next to Brian's.
Drunk: Oh, hey there. You having some car troubles, eh?
Stewie: Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole. I don't suppose you're from Triple A, are you?
Drunk: Who?
Stewie: Triple A, you know? AAA.
Drunk: Oh, AA, eh? Yeah, I just came from AA.
Stewie: No, not AA. AAA.
Drunk: Yeah, that's what I said AA, eh?
Stewie: Oh, so you are with Triple A?
Drunk: Oh, no, that's AAA. I just came from AA, eh?
Stewie: Huh?
Brian: Stewie, I think he's just a drunk.
Stewie: Well, drunk or not, can you help us?
Drunk: I can if you want to join AA, eh?
Stewie: No, I'm already a member of AAA. I need help with the car.
Drunk: Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like you got some water leakage. You might need a hose, eh?
Stewie: Jose, Roberto, whatever. If you've got some Latinos up here that can fix cars, that'd be great.
Drunk: No, I mean, it looks like you need a part, eh?
Stewie: Well, yeah, when it's fixed, we can celebrate, but let's deal with first things first.
Drunk: Well, I can probably take you to a gas station, eh? You have cash, eh?
Stewie: I don't know, my name carries a little weight, but I don't see how that matters here.
Brian: Look, we don't have enough cash to fix the car, and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole.
Drunk: Oh, a car won't take you there, anyway. But if you like, you can take my snowmobile.
Brian: Really? You'd just give it to us?
Drunk: Oh, sure, that's what Canadian hospitality's all about. If you like, you can have all my money and my leg.
Stewie: Okay.
And so, our trio of heroes travels to the North Pole on a snowmobile.
Brian: Why'd we take his leg?
Stewie: Well, we're in their country, Brian. We have to observe their customs. Oh! Oh, dear.
He dropped thaat guy's leg.
Stewie: Well, at least we're done with the first leg of our journey.
Brian and Glory: Ha!
Stewie: Damn right, ha.
The trio travel for ours through snow, hills, and many many trees until they get to the North Pole.
Glory: Hey Brian, how long do you think we've been driving?
Brian: I don't know, I've lost track. Besides, dogs don't have a good sense of time. Could be three hours, could be three years, I don't (Bleep) know.
Stewie: Well, we must be pretty far north by now.
Brian: Yeah, you're right. Look, there's the aurora borealis.
Stewie: Yes, and there's the aurora Boreanaz.
David: Hi there. Things are kind of beautiful up north, huh?
They snowmibile stopped.
Brian: Oh, no!
Stewie: What's the matter?
Brian: We're out of gas.
Stewie: Out of gas?
Glory: We're dead.
Stewie: But, Brian, it's freezing out here! What are we gonna do?
Brian: I don't know. We'd better think of something.
David: Maybe I can help. There's an old, abandoned hunting cabin about two miles north of here. You could spend the night there and then resume your journey in the morning.
Stewie: Thanks, David. Guess there are a few stars in the sky tonight.
David: (chuckling) Come on. Come on, now.
Stewie: Okay, we'll leave you alone.
Now the trio continued to travel on foot. After a long walk, they stumbled upon the cabin. Brian used all his strength to open the door. They all entered and saw that the cabin was a bit old.
Brian: Alright, this should do for the night. Look, now that we have a moment, I think we should really try to call Lois and tell her where we are.
Stewie: Oh, don't worry. I've got that covered.
(Griffin House)
Robot Brian: Hey, Lois, would you make an appointment for me to be neutered in two days?
Lois: Well, are you sure, Brian?
Robot Brian: Yes, I'm sure. And whatever I say in two days, do not let me convince you that I've changed my mind.
Robot Stewie: Wow, you sound pretty serious about this, Brian.
Robot Brian: Oh, I am. In fact, I have this document that legally binds me to same.
Robot Glory: Have you had it notarized?
Robot Brian: No. But a notary should be here any minute.
Robot Robert: I received a call about notarizing a document, but I am spending the day with my family, so they are here, too. This is my wife, Janice, my daughters, Lisa and Jane, and this is Rosalyn, a friend of our daughter Jane's. Her family life is rough, so we are kind of like a second home.
Robot Janice: Robert!
Robot Robert: Well, it's true.
Robot Stewie: Well, thank you for taking the time to notarize this important document. I'm sure you are quite busy.
Robot Robert: Yes. We only have a moment, for we are taking a bus tour of Providence and other places.
The bus outside shows a bunch of robot people waving hello.
Ron: The next morning, Stewie, Glory, and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole. They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all you people watching, does anyone want to buy some pot?
(North Pole)
They were cold and miserable looking. They can't stand being in the cold. After a long journey, they finally made it.
Stewie: My God! We made it, you guys! The North Pole! See? Boom! Right there! I told you! This is where Santa Claus lives! In your faces!
Glory: Whoa! Santa is real.
Brian: I don't believe it. It's here.
Stewie: Damn right, it's here! Now, while you think about the fact that you're never going to enjoy a nocturnal breast-feeding from Lois, I shall open the gate.
Stewie ran towards the gate and the red and white striped doors opened slowly. What they saw was not what they expected. Santa's workshop is a factory.
Glory: That's it? That's Santa's Workshop?
Stewie: No way. This can't be it. This can't be Santa's workshop. This looks like Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Brian: Oh, boy, get ready for the letters.
(Somewhere)
Guy: Dear Family Guy bastards, who the hell do you think you are? I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my (bleep), Jew writers.
(North Pole)
Stewie: Well, whatever sort of trick this is, I will not be deterred. I'm not leaving until Santa Claus is dead by my hand!
Stewie knocked on the door and held up a gun. The door opened and came out Santa. He didn't look too good though.
Glory: Oh, my God! You're You're Santa Claus!
Santa: Yeah. Who are you?
Stewie: I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to kill you!
Santa: (Sigh) Ah Thank God!
Stewie: What?
Santa: Do it! Please! Put me out of my misery!
Stewie: You want me to kill you?
Santa put his mouth on the gun.
Santa: Come on! What are you waiting for?! Pull the trigger!
Stewie: Well, there isn't a great deal of sport in that.
Santa began to coughing and wheezing.
Brian: Oh, my God, are are you all right?
Santa: (Hacking) I'm okay. (Hoarsely) I'm okay. (Hacking) I just need to catch my breath.
Glory: This doesn't make any sense, Santa. I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy.
Santa: I used to be, a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing. Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys! We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls. You ever try to make an iPod? I've got orders for millions of 'em!
Stewie: Oh, that reminds me I need a new version of Quicken.
Santa: Look at the toxic waste we're producing.
The toxic was wasteful.
Santa: In fact, I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding.
Brian: Inbreeding?
Santa: Take a look!
They followed Santa into his workshop.
Santa: I started with one family of magic elves, and every year I needed more and more to keep up. Now they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters. At least 60% of them are born blind.
An elf accidentally sewed his hand to a teddy bear and started shrieking.
Santa: The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else. It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die. Then the reindeer eat them, which has turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures with a blood-lust for elf flesh. I don't even pray for them anymore. Seems pointless. What God would allow this?
Stewie: This is in none of the songs or poetry. It's a horror show up here!
Brian: How could you let this happen?
Santa: Me? I didn't do this. Christmas did!
Santa: "Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal as the holiday feeling was filling us." "But now instead all we're feeling is dread because Christmastime is killing us!"
Elves: "Each Christmas list gets us more and more pissed till the thought of existence is chilling us."
Santa: "I'll tell you what, shove your list up your butt because Christmastime is killing us!"
Stewie: "But can't you see that what you do is a dream come true?" "Can't you see that every smile makes it all worthwhile?"
Santa: "No, screw you. It's all but through. There's too much to do." "All those dreams are nightmares and blank icy stares!"
Santa: "Each little elf used to fill up a shelf making playthings and selflessly thrilling us." "Now they're on crack, and it feels like Iraq because Christmastime is killing us!"
Elves: "Each model train only heightens the pain of a workload that's draining and drilling us."
Santa: "Fingers all bleed and look, that guy just peed because Christmastime is killing us!"
Stewie: "But can't you see our point of view? We rely on you." "Can't you see that Christmas cheer gets us through the year?"
Santa: "My whole crew is black and blue. Can't you take a clue?" "You may think I look great, but I'm 28."
Santa and Elves: "Each jingle bell is a requiem knell." "And while you think it's swell we are toiling in Hell."
Santa: "Take a look, you can tell as a man I'm a sheeeeeeeeeell because Christmastime is killing us!" "Killing us!" "Christmastime is killing us!" (Cough) (Fell out)
Ron: So Brian, Glory, and Stewie found Santa Claus, but he sure wasn't what they expected. It turned the increasing demands of Christmas had all but destroyed the poor old man. Okay, look at this. Somebody gave me a little remote control helicopter. Pretty cool, huh?
It fell to the ground.
Ron: Oh, it's broken.
(Santa's Workshop)
Doctor Elf: I don't know, he's in rough shape.
Glory: Doctor, you've got to do something for him. It's Christmas Eve.
Doctor Elf: Christmas is the problem. He can't keep this pace up anymore. If he goes out tonight, he'll die.
Glory: Well, then who's gonna deliver all the presents?
Brian: We will.
Stewie and Glory: What?
Brian: Stewie, look, you were right. Santa is real. And he needs our help. Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's a Christmas this year.
Santa: Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon.
Brian: What?
Doctor Elf: Uh, ye He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving.
Brian: Alright, guys, let's go get the sleigh ready.
Stewie: Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing?
Glory: I am.
Brian: Never mind that, let's just get going.
The trio got into the sleigh outside ready to go.
Glory: Alright. Let's do this. For Christmas.
Reins snapped and nothing happened.
Stewie: Go on.
Reins snapped again.
Stewie: Giddy-up.
Reins snaped again.
Stewie: Come on, you dumb deer.
And again.
Glory: Why isn't it working?
Brian: I think they need to be coaxed. Santa said they eat elf flesh.
They spotted an Elf standing in the snow. Possibly a corpse that can stand.
Stewie: Uh, oh, oh, excuse me? Uh, sir? Mr. Elf, sir? Hello? Young man? I I don't think he even knows where he is.
Brian: Do Do you want to just-
Stewie: Yeah, I mean, uh, I'll just try and do it, I guess.
He got out of the sleigh and walked towards the elf.
Stewie: Hey. Hey, fella?
He pulled out a knife and began cutting off the elf's arm.
Stewie: Um Okay. Bye.
He went back to the sleigh and threw it in front of the reindeer with a fishing rod. The deer ran and ran until thet soared up in the air.
Stewie: Hey guys, look. That one reindeer just kind of pooped in the other reindeer's face, and and the other reindeer just kind of ate it. Isn't Christmas magical?
They soared above the clouds.
Brian: Alright, according to this map, we're approaching the northeast coast of the U.S. Get ready to land.
They passed by the Statue of Liberty and over a small snowy town.
Stewie: Alright, this is it, our first town. I'm gonna head for that roof.
They were going down.
Glory: Uh, Stewie? Why are we tilting?
Stewie: Look, I've never landed one of these things before, okay?
Brian: You're coming in too fast! Look out!
After the Deer got stuck in a tree, after a few screams, the sleigh landed roughly of a rooftop and the trio got knocked out.
Stewie: Alright, this is good. In and out of this house and onto the next one.
Brian: What about the reindeer?
Stewie: Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards. Now let's get down the chimney.
Glory went first, then Stewie, then Brian. After Glory stepped away from the chimney, Stewie came out and Brian landed on him.
Stewie: Ow! Bitch!
Glory: Okay guys, let's get the presents under the tree.
Stewie: Alright, you have 'em?
Glory: No, I thought you had them.
Stewie: Brian?
Brian: Nope.
Stewie: Oh, for the love of God, they're still in the sleigh.
Brian: Aw, crap. On the roof?
The sleigh full of presents fell from the roof.
Stewie: No, it's it's in the yard.
They went outside and grabbed some presents. Brian tried to open the door, but it's locked.
Brian: Oh, my God.
Glory: Didn't you unlock the door when we left?
Brian: No, you were the last one out!
Glory: Well, how the hell are we gonna get back inside?
Brian: Alright, find a rock.
Glory broke the window with a rock, Brian went through, and unlocked the door from the inside.
Stewie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Brian: I'm putting out the presents.
Stewie: Not like that you're not. Tall in the back, short in the front. And show some care, for God's sake. You know, those Those aren't socks and underwear donated by the fire department to some battered women's shelter. Those are Santa gifts, Brian. You know, you You have to Wait. What What are you two doing? Did you guys just eat those whole cookies off the mantel?
Brian: What? They left it out for Santa. We're Santa.
Glory: Yeah! So!
Stewie: So, you're not supposed to eat all of it. You take a bite and a sip of milk. That's how the kids know Santa was here!
Glory: Don't yell at us. The people upstairs could hear you.
Stewie: I'm not yelling at you. I'm just I'm telling you how it's done. They They need some kind of indication that Santa was here.
Brian: Oh, okay, how about this?
Brian spilled the milk of the floor on purpose.
Brian: Look. Hey, now they know he was here. See?
Stewie: Stop it!
Glory: Look bro, we're here giving out free presents! And we'll eat the damn cookies if we want to!
Brian: Yeah and you know what? I might even make a sandwich!
Stewie: Wait. Where are you going?
Brian: I'm going into the kitchen. I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something.
Stewie: Brian, knock it off!
The bag busted and the chips were all over the kitchen floor.
Brian: Aw, man.
Stewie: You jackass!
Dan: Hey, who the hell are you three?
Brian: Uh Hello?
Dan: What are you doing in my house?
Stewie: We're Santa Claus... ses.
Dan: Yeah, you're Santa Claus. That's why you broke in through the window. I'm calling the cops.
Brian: No, no, no. I I can explain. We We came down the chimney, but we We forgot the presents. It's It's actually It's kind of a funny story-
Stewie knocked him the (Bleep) out with a bat.
Glory: (Scream)
Brian: (Yell) Stewie, what the hell did you do?!
Stewie: He was gonna call the cops! You can't call the cops on Santa. Now help me move this guy's body!
They moved his body to a closet nd he was still alive.
Stewie: See? He's still alive.
Stewie hit him with the bat some more.
Stewie: Alright, tie him up. I'm gonna make it look like a burglary.
Stewie wrecked the house a little and Brian and Glory tied the dude up.
Glory: Alright, look, let's just go already.
Stewie: Right, right. We'll go. I'm gonna rewrap this bat for, um, Johnny. Let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it.
Girl: Daddy, I want a drink of water.
Stewie: (Bleep)
The little girl came down the stairs and spotted the trio of fake santas.
Stewie: Hey, there. How you doing?
Girl: Who are you?
Stewie: I'm Santa.
Girl: You're Santa?!
Her mom came down the stairs.
Mom: (Gasp) Who are you? Where's Dan?
His body came out the closet.
Mom: (Gasps) Oh, my God! (crying)
Brian: Oh, crap!
Brian tackled her.
Brian: Quick, Stewie! Get the bat!
Mom: Help! Help! (Groan)
Stewie knocked her the (Bleep) out too.
Girl: Mommy! (Sob)
Stewie: It's okay. It's okay. Brian, see if you can find some duct tape.
Brian: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Girl: Mommy!
Brian: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Glory knocked the girl the (Bleep) out with a chop on the back of her neck.
Brian: Did you just karate chopped a little girl out.
Glory: Yeah yeah I did.
Stewie tape the little girl up.
Stewie: Alright, let's get this place cleaned up.
The parents were tied up and the girl was taped to a chair.
Stewie: Alright, that's the last of the blood. Go check on the other kid.
Brian: What other kid?
Stewie: Johnny, the one who's getting the bat.
He went upstairs to check.
Brian: Stewie, there's only one bedroom up here.
Stewie: What? But that's impossible.
Glory: Hey girl, do you have a brother?
She shook her head no.
Glory: Wait. Then who the hell is Joh- oh no.
Stewie: Oh, my God, we're in the wrong house, aren't we?
Glory: Afraid we are.
Sirens were heard outside.
Stewie: Damn it, we tripped the alarm. Brian, the cops are coming. Let's go!
Brian: What? We're just leaving like this? What about not wanting to ruin Christmas?!
Stewie: It's already ruined! This was one house. We've been here for an hour and a half! An hour and first of all, we're not even Santa anymore. This has been a home invasion. But an hour and a half, Brian! It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world! There's two apartment buildings on this block alone!
Brian: No wonder Santa lost his mind. This is ridiculous! We can't do this!
Stewie: Nobody can. It's inhuman!
Glory: Helloooo! Cops coming? Tied up family here?
Brian: Oh right, come on!
They went back to the sleigh.
Glory: Come on. Let's get outta here.
Brian: What about the reindeer?
Glory: Hell with the reindeer! They're all eating each other!
And so they were.
Brian: Then how are we-
Stewie: Not to worry. We don't need 'em. I made a few modifications to the sleigh. Hang on.
They sleigh grew wings and began to fly before the cops showed up.
Glory: Well, that was a disaster.
Brian: I can't believe it. We were supposed to save Christmas, and we completely blew it.
Stewie: We failed Santa.
Brian: No. No, we didn't fail Santa.
Glory: We didn't?
Brian: No Glory. The world failed Santa. He gives and gives and gives, and everyone just takes him for granted. Hell, I I didn't even think he existed until last night.
Stewie: Well, what are we supposed to do now? Christmas is doomed.
Brian: Maybe, but there is one thing we can do. Move over.
Brian and took over riding the sleigh. When morning came, Peter felt excited and went downstairs for presents.
Peter: (Gasp) Lois! There's no presents under the tree!
Lois: What? Oh, my God.
Peter went outside.
Peter: Joe, did you get any Christmas presents?!
Joe: No.
Quagmire: Me, neither!
Mort: I got eight mediocre things.
Tom: Good morning, Quahog. Our top story today Santa Claus skips Christmas. Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees. Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year. The investigation continues into this mysterious-
Brian: Wait! I know what happened to Christmas!
Lois: Brian?!
In the studio, the trio brought out santa in a wheelchair.
Tom: (Gasp) Santa Claus!
Brian: That's right! It's Santa Claus. And you've got to listen to me. The reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is sick. Very sick. And he needs our help. He's been bludgeoned by years of greed and avarice. The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him. And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year. But there's a way for us to help him. If all of us everywhere can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year, there may still be hope. I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice, even in hard times, but if we don't, we may have to give up Christmas altogether.
Glory: What do you say people of the world? Please, help us save Santa's life. For Santa.
Stewie: For peace.
Brian: For Christmas.
Tom: Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel Five News. Looks like we have a choice. One Christmas gift a year for each one of us. Can we live with that?
Chris: I can.
Lois: So can I.
Peter: Me too.
Meg: I can too.
Quagmire: I can live with that.
Joe: Count me in.
Mayor West: One is enough.
Seamus: Aye.
Bruce: I can.
Herbert: One gift is okay.
Dr. Hartman: I can live with it.
Cleveland: Okay, just one. But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the (Bleep) face.
The next year, the North Pole was back to normal. It looked like a real work shop again, the elves were happy, and Santa was back to his jolly old self again. The citizens of Quahog got their one christmas presents and were proud to have them. As for the Griffins, Meg got another hat like hers. Chris got a bunny rabbit. Lois got groceries. Brian got a bottle pimps drink out of. Stewie's got a new blaster gun. Glory got a mistletoe and kissed her boyfriend Akihiko under it. Meg was so jealous, she tore her new hat in half. And finally, Peter got a Charles In Charge lunchbox. Everyone was happy.
Everybody: "We can get out of any mess if we learn to live with less." "And with Santa's love there's nothing to feeeeeear." "All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all I really waaaaaant thiiiiiis yeeeear!"
Ron: (Burp)
The End.