He had it all planned out.
When Chuck left he already felt better.
Not good though but at least a bit relieved.
He knew his brother wouldn't judge him anyway but he'd never thought telling him the truth would be this easy.
Darren got up and felt a harsh sting in his head, he looked at his phone, hoping Chris would've called him or sent him a message to pick up his stuff, anything, just a sign that he was alright but he didn't.
The hazel-eyed ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes were red and swollen from the night before and he cursed when he saw it.
He had a gig that day and he didn't want anyone to notice but he figured that he had just gotten up and it would fade by the time he had to be on stage.
At least he hoped so.
Darren decided to take a shower, trying to relax and get his head clear for a few minutes.
He felt his muscles relax when the hot water hit his skin, making him feel carefree for a while.
The young man was quickly taken back to reality when he heard his phone.
He nearly slipped when he rushed out of the shower, grabbing the next best towel to wrap around his waist.
Darren grabbed his phone from his bed, sighing in frustration when he read his brother's name.
Not that he wasn't happy he cared about him but he had hoped for a message from Chris.
He knew it was unrealistic thinking that Chris would contact him after that night but he could still dream right?
He quickly texted back, telling Chuck he was ok.
He wasn't but he didn't want his older brother to be worried
.
Darren's heart was racing when he thought about what he was planning to do.
He quickly searched for some clothes, lazily putting them on.
He tried not to drive himself insane with hypothetical questions but they wouldn't stop running through his head.
He cursed the fucking "What if..."-sentences, hating himself for feeling so incredibly weak.
He hated himself a lot lately.
But what did you expect?
Darren fucked up, he knew he did.
He cursed his inability to step up, he hated himself for what he does to Chris.
He just hated how much he hurt the other man.
This wasn't about him. He realized that as soon as he looked into Chris's eyes and saw this incredible emptiness.
Normally his ocean-blue eyes would sparkle and flicker whenever they were together or at least gleam with fury when they were fighting but not this time.
There was no spark, no light just pain and disbelieve and it broke Darren just as much as it broke Chris.
Darren shook his head, running his hand over his face.
He carelessly picked up his guitar, leaving his apartment to get to his gig.
He knew he had to carry on and act like nothing happened like he always had to.
Paparazzi were reckless and his fans were nosy.
They'd look into his face and see what was going on in his life.
They'd zoom in on the dark rings under his eyes, his scruff he didn't care to shave this time, his still slightly reddened eyes and know something was wrong.
Darren let out a shaky breath, his hands were shaking as he typed the message in his phone.
"Chris. I know you're mad and I don't know what I could possibly do or say to make it better. I probably shouldn't even say anything because all I do is making it worse, so just do one last thing for me before you start avoiding me forever...please watch my livestream today. I know it's a lot to ask for and you're busy but don't worry...it'll be in the beginning. And listen closely. I want you to know what's going on within me but I don't know how to tell or explain it to you. I hope you're alright.
- Darren."
He sighed when he pressed send.
Darren genuinely hoped he had made the right decision.
When he got on stage he felt like he was himself at least for a little moment.
The crowd was cheering, screaming his name, singing along with him and he loved it.
He smiled and even though Chris would pop up in his mind every now and then, he tried to smile through it.
Darren was nervous.
He usually never was before gigs but this was different.
He knew Chris might be watching.
"OK GUYS! I HEARD THERE WAS A LIVESTREAM! SO WHERE'S THAT CAMERA!"
The girl holding the camera waved and yelled, making Darren grin lightly.
"This next song is for the person that means the world to me."
Some girls cheered and there was also some booing which made Darren feel self-conscious.
"I'm not as good with words as I always seem to be."
He giggled softly.
"Sometimes they just won't come out they way I want them to and I should probably be wearing a shirt that says "Talks too much shit" but right now I just want to play this song."
Darren looked right into the camera.
Chris was sitting in his apartment.
He tried to ignore the message and ignore Darren in general but he couldn't do it.
He still loved this man more than anything and he wanted to know what he wanted to say.
Sure they'd talked but Chris didn't understand.
Darren was just way too confusing.
His eyes fixed the screen, Darren's hazel eyes seemed to look right at him, hitting him with a glare so intense he felt like dying all over again.
A shiver ran down his spine.
"Fuck...", he muttered under his breath, trying to stop the harsh beating of his heart, pounding painfully against his chest.
His stomach sank and he just needed Darren to do something.
Chris wanted to scream at the screen, throw things, anything to get Darren from looking at him like that.
His golden eyes were gleaming at him, looking so incredibly pained.
He had to look away, fighting his urge to cry because Darren was breaking him.
The man on the screen just didn't look like Darren at all.
His smile looked forced and his eyes wouldn't sparkle like they always did.
"Stupid bastard...", Chris cursed under his breath.
"Ok...I also wanted to try something new today. I don't think I've ever performed this song live on a piano but well...here we go. I really hope you're listening...", Darren muttered.
When he played the first few notes the fans were already screaming, knowing exactly which song it was.
Chris was like paralyzed.
He didn't move and he nearly forgot how to breathe.
Darren was struggling for a second, trying to focus but it was so hard knowing that Chris was watching.
This was his last chance.
They would probably talk afterwards anyways but he just didn't want to screw it up even more.
His voice was shaking when he started to sing.
'I hate where I'm at.
Acting crazy like that.'
Chris heart felt like bursting.
He knew this song.
He knew all of Darren's songs and his breath hitched when it hit him.
Darren had told him what this song was about but now that it was used in a completely new context and was played in a completely new way it made Chris feel lightheaded.
It was like he wrote this song all over again just for him.
Chris stared at the screen, watching Darren's fingers slide over the keyboard.
His voice nearly breaking as he tried to calm down.
'I know that I've been wrong.
It's something I've been working on.'
Chris felt tears pickle in his eyes, feeling a sharp sting in his chest.
'And I don't know what to do.
It's changing me, it's killing you.'
Darren's voice broke at the high notes and he was glad the audience was singing it with him so they may not notice it as much.
'I'd tear out my insides if I could! But I don't know if it'd do me good.'
A sad smile was tugging on his lips, he couldn't remember the last time he felt so bitter and sarcastic.
'Ooooh I'm sorry friend, I'm sorry lover.
To put you and me in this mess.'
Darren looked around.
His fans were looking confused for a second when he changed the words.
He was glad he was known for forgetting some of his lyrics for the first time.
Sweat was dripping down his face and he was glad about that too because he noticed how tears were escaping his eyes.
He didn't want to cry but this was intense.
Darren felt so fucking vulnerable, so weak.
He felt like everyone knew even though it was absurd.
"This is for Chris.", he reminded himself. "This is not for you or your fans or anyone...this is about the man you love so get it together!"
Chris was still staring at the screen, a single tear rolling down his cheek when he watched the other man's face closely.
He could tell he was struggling and it broke his heart once more.
'I know we still got each other.
But I'm in distress.
'cause every time that I feel like I figured it out...
I can't seem to figure it in.'
Darren took a deep breath, trying his best to keep up singing at the top of his lungs.
'It's got nothing to do with me!
It's not even you, you see!
It's part of my chemistry!
It's this jealousy...
In absolutely no position...to be so needlessly unkind.
When I'm the one writing this fiction...
Make it real in my mind!
It drives me crazy in the morning.
Who is this monster in the mirror?
I try to get the steam to fog it out...
but I just can't get it clear!'
Darren looked straight into the camera again, his head hung low and his fingers were pressing the keys harshly.
Chris swallowed hard, fighting back more tears.
He needed Darren to be there.
Now.
He was missing him so much and knowing that he was struggling made it even worse.
They both did something wrong.
They both knew.
They said things that should've never been said but they did it and now they had to live with it.
'Oh and I can't stand what I'm feeling!
It's just like poison in my veins!
I know that I'm speaking!
But I don't know what I'm saying...
'cause every time that I feel like the world just got lighter...
It seems like my muscles give out!
It's got nothing to do with me!
It's not even you, you see!
It's part of my chemistry!
It's this jealousy!
And I'm hearing your voice!
That you know it's your choice!
Maybe so...
And I know it's no use!
But it's the only excuse!
That I know, no no...
Let me go.
...
Let me go!
Oh don't let me go!
Oh don't let me go!'
Darren looked pained singing these words, his fans confused and this was probably all over the internet already but he didn't care.
Like he said...this wasn't about fame or glory, this was about Chris.
He couldn't care less if rumors would ruin him because the only thing that could bring him down was the thought of losing Chris forever.
More tears were flowing out his eyes when he remembered all the things he would miss.
Chris waking up next to his warm body pressed against his, cheeks flushed, eyes gleaming at him, blue and wide.
His diet coke addiction he found disgusting but adorable at the same time.
The low raspy tone in his voice only Darren could know.
He wasn't crying because he was weak.
He was crying because he was frustrated, hurt and confused about himself.
The younger man had been right.
Who the fuck was he hiding for?
His brother didn't care and his mum had already asked him if they were dating.
There shouldn't be anything to be scared of but yet he still was.
It felt like he hadn't been true to himself all these years.
Darren tried to get it together again, taking all the power he had left to belt out the last few passages.
'Now let's be real I feel just like a child.
Someone could be taking all my toys.
So call me dumb, call me wild!
See that's the thing with little boys...
Oh now I can't get it out in the shower.
Or drink it off at the bar.
This sugar's gone sour.
And it's gone way too far...
'Cause every time that I feel like I'm riding so high, feel on top of the world!
The bitch just keeps telling me no!
It's got nothing to do with me!
It's not even you, you see!
It's part of my chemistry!
This demon is killing me!
And oh Christ it's filling me!
It's this jealousy...
Oh, and I just can't believe in this jealousy, this jealousy for you...
Oh this jealousy...
This jealousy for you!'
He was breathing heavily, wiping away the tears that had mixed with the sweat on his face.
"Thank you guys.", he said, smiling at the audience, his eyes fixing the camera again.
Chris was stunned.
He couldn't move.
His heart was still pounding and he had completely zoned out.
The young man couldn't take it anymore.
He reached for his phone, not hesitating, typing frantically.
'Call me as soon as you're home. There's a lot to talk about...calm this time. No yelling, no blaming, I promise! I just want to hear you out...but you have to promise me not to play with me...and don't think it's all ok just because you dedicated a song to me...I appreciated it, don't get me wrong please. You even played it on the piano because you know how much I love the sound of it. I know you want to change and I know I still love you. But I can't wait forever Darren. So just contact me when you're ready. Don't worry I'm not mad. I'm just as confused as you are so please let me know what I'm supposed to do. What we are. Anything. Talk to you later (hopefully). - Chris.'
He pressed send.