CHAPTER SIX
I thought I had suffered, wanting Paul when he didn't want me back, but I realised now it was nothing. I didn't know what heartache was. Leah and Sam had been together since they were sixteen and after she saw him with Emily Young, she looked like the walking dead for weeks. She barely set foot outside of her room except to go to work and she virtually stopped talking. No one could quite believe that Sam had cheated on her and he had repeatedly turned up at the house, vowing it had only happened once on the spur of the moment and begging Leah to take him back. She was having none of it and in the end I actually threw a punch at him. He just stood there and took it and then walked away with his lip bleeding without saying a word, like he knew he deserved it.
Jared, Jake, Embry and Quil were just as horrified as I was, but at the end of the day they were still good friends of Sam's and they didn't stop seeing him, although they did point out to him more than once that he'd behaved like a jerk. I didn't go around there myself for months, much as I did miss spending time with him. I couldn't forgive him for hurting my sister so badly and the fact that a few weeks later he started dating Emily openly only made things worse.
At least all the drama took my mind off my own issues and I started spending more time with either Collin and Brady - the latter having broken up with his girlfriend now - or Leah herself. I got on with her better than I had in years and she had actually stopped treating me like a kid most of the time and seemed to look on me as a friend and shoulder to cry on instead. I didn't see Paul around La Push, not even on the rare occasions I happened to pass by his house and although I still longed to see him, I didn't hold out any hope that one day he would suddenly turn up and sweep me off my feet.
Eventually I did let Jake and Embry persuade me to go around to Sam's not long before I turned fifteen. I hadn't spoken to Sam in about four months, but Leah had told me several times not to let what happened between them affect my relationship with him, should I want to see him. I didn't want to see him, but I reluctantly went there anyway, expecting to avoid talking to him as much as I could.
I didn't know Emily would be there and when I found out that she was, I almost turned and left right away. I didn't want anything to do with her, but much as I hated to admit it, by the time a couple of hours passed I found that she was a really sweet girl and an awesome cook. I grudgingly accepted a muffin she had made, fearing it might choke me, but ended up asking for a second helping. I didn't want to like her, but I couldn't stop myself and Sam managed to corner me eventually and tell me I shouldn't resent her for what he did. He hadn't told Emily he was in a relationship and that day I had caught them really had been the first time. In my book that made him even more of a shit for lying to both girls, but at least he was being honest now and I found I did miss him. I doubted I would forget what he did for a long time, especially since Leah was still so miserable, but I decided I wouldn't avoid him any more.
When I got home I felt sad and guilty for having spent the afternoon in the company of Sam and his new girl, but surprisingly Leah was calm about it, reminding me that Sam had always been my friend and he hadn't done anything to hurt me directly.
"What's the girl like?" she asked me.
"You don't want to talk about her, do you?" I said in surprise.
"No, really, I'm curious. What's she got that I don't?"
"Leah...hell, I don't know. You're asking the wrong person. I don't like girls, remember? And you're my sister so I can't exactly be objective. She was nice to me, but I felt like I should be telling her to drop dead or something."
"Well, there's no need," she said. "She probably is nice. I only hate her because she's got Sam. You're allowed to like her. I know you miss hanging out with all of them. Maybe I'll come over myself one of these days - just to see the look on their faces."
She did come over to Sam's, but not until the end of August and by then, much to my relief, she had met someone else too. Mark was absolutely nothing like Sam and he treated Leah like a princess. He was a distant relative of Brady who had been living in Seattle while he went to Uni there and had just come home to spend some time with his family and see if he could find work in Forks. It became clear pretty fast that there was nothing available in Forks to suit him, so he set up his own web design business from home instead rather than move back to Seattle and be away from Leah. He wasn't the typical computer geek type either, but a six-four, two hundred and fifty pound muscular sporty type who made even Sam look puny in comparison. A gentle giant he was and Leah even took to wearing a dress on occasion if he took her out to a restaurant or on a picnic, which was completely unheard of. I didn't even realise she owned a dress, but Mom let on she had been over to Port Angeles and bought several on the quiet.
So eventually on the last Sunday of the month they came over to Sam's with me, Leah all smiles and wearing lipstick of all things. I expected there to be some tension, but there just wasn't. Leah and Emily even chatted a little and seemed to get on ok.
It seemed that just about everyone was with someone now except for me. Sam and Emily, Leah and Mark, Jared and Kim, Jake and Embry. There were only Quil and me who were still single and Embry joked that the pair of us should hook up, which had me rolling about on the grass crying with laughter at the sight of Quil's comical grimaces.
Emily and Kim went into the house after a while and began preparing things to go with the barbecue Sam and Jared were about to light and Quil set up an extra table and brought out more chairs, since there were now too many of us to fit around the picnic table. Embry fetched bottles of beer and I begged him to let me have just one. He glanced over at Leah and much to my surprise she just smiled and shrugged; I guess I had Mark to thank for that. I took the beer and sat down next to Jake under a tree to enjoy it.
Maybe fifteen minutes later the peace was disturbed by the deafening sound of a motorcycle engine - one of those big cruiser types that were usually ridden by old guys who looked like members of ZZ Top. The bike appeared around the corner of the house and parked up by the end wall. I looked up, curious to see who it was and my stomach flipped over. It was Paul and the bike was clearly one of his Dad's Harleys. He was wearing jeans, tank and boots and had several new tattoos on both arms.
"Here comes trouble," Quil said under his breath.
"Haven't seen him around here in a while," Embry said. "Not since your last birthday, Seth."
I didn't answer. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. It was not far off a year since I had last seen him and he filled out a lot in that time - arms, shoulders and pecs bulged and I wouldn't have been surprised to see an eight-pack under the tank top. He went over to speak to Sam and I watched as they talked for a few minutes and he shook hands with Emily. Then he went over to Jared who was sitting at the smaller table and joined him, helping himself to a beer. He didn't look too happy, but then I'd only ever seen him smile a few times - mostly at me, I realised.
"What's with you?" I heard Jared ask him.
"Nothing. Why?" Paul grunted.
"Well, you look like...you usually look." Jared shrugged. "What have you been doing?"
"This and that."
"Seth, stop staring; Jesus, you're so obvious," Jake whispered to me. "I thought you'd forgotten about him."
I flushed and looked away for a minute. I was longing to go over and speak to him, but I wouldn't have a clue what to say, especially with Jared there. My eyes crawled back towards him again and fixed there. He was sitting sideways on to me so he couldn't see me without turning his head my way at least a little. He had one foot propped up, the ankle resting across the opposite knee, jeans pulled tight around muscular thighs. I fastened my lips around my beer bottle to stop myself licking them.
It was about a half hour before I got to talk to Paul briefly. Sam called me over to the barbeque and asked me to fetch some lighter fuel from the house as the bricks wouldn't catch and Jared got up to fetch more beer while I was in the house. I gave Sam the fuel quickly and walked back past the table where Paul was sitting.
"Hey, Paul," I said, hoping I didn't sound as breathless as I felt.
"Seth. You ok?" he asked, looking up and squinting in the sun which was behind me.
"Pretty good. You?"
He shrugged. "No worse than usual, I guess."
"I like the new tats," I said, eyeing the dragons and skulls and tribal designs spreading down his arms.
"Thanks." His lips twitched up at the corners a touch. "Have you ever thought about getting one?"
"I wouldn't mind," I said. "I doubt Leah would be impressed."
He laughed shortly and then stopped to gulp some of his beer. Jared appeared at that moment, placing four more bottles on the table and dropping back into his chair. I returned to Jake reluctantly and sat down again.
"I can't believe you got a laugh out of him," Jake said quietly.
I just grinned and carried on staring at Paul as he dropped his foot off his knee and then propped it up on a spare chair instead. It was about another hour before I got the chance to speak to him again and he was no longer grinning. His cellphone rang just as he was finishing eating a slab of virtually raw steak and he put his knife and fork down and pulled the phone out of his pocket. I was still sitting under the tree with Jake and Embry and I put my plate down and gulped the last mouthful of my beer. I had made it last as long as possible.
I didn't hear what Paul said into the phone, but I watched him put his feet down on the ground, lean forward and rest an elbow on his knee, drag a hand through his hair. Then he ended the call and leaped up, banging against the table and knocking Jared's beer over so that it poured onto his plate and his lap.
"You jerk, Paul, what's your problem?" Jared demanded, jumping up too, his crotch and the top of his thighs soaked in beer.
"Mind your own business," Paul growled.
"Look what you did!" Shaking his head, Jared thrust one hand out and shoved Paul in the chest.
"Great idea, Jared," Embry muttered and a second later Paul's fist shot out and collided with Jared's jaw.
"Hey! Cool it, for God's sake!" Sam and Mark hurried over, but Paul was already halfway to his motorcycle by then, leaving Jared behind, still on his feet but rubbing his face.
"Dickhead!" Quil said. "He always has to spoil things."
I got to my feet quickly. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do, but I just got this feeling all wasn't quite what it seemed. What had that phone call been about?
"Seth, what are you doing? Sit down," Jake told me.
I ignored him and walked across to the end of the house where Paul was about to swing a leg over the motorcycle.
"Hey. What happened?" I asked.
"Nothing. Leave me alone," he grunted.
"Maybe I can help."
"No, you can't, Seth, just back off," he said through his teeth. I wasn't the best judge of people, but I would have bet anything he looked upset rather than mad.
"Try me," I persisted. "You were fine before that phone call."
"Look, I just heard my Dad died, alright," he blurted out, turning away from me and mounting the bike. "I'm out of here."
"Oh, shit, Paul, I'm sorry," I said. I'd been there, just eighteen months ago and if he had been even a quarter as close to his Dad as I had been to mine, it must have hurt. "I'll come with you," I added.
"No, you won't."
"So you're just going to go home alone? It's better if you have someone to talk to, or yell at or whatever," I said. "Yeah, I might only be a kid, but I've been there too, remember."
Paul looked up at me. "Somehow you don't seem so much like a kid any more." Much to my surprise he plucked the helmet off the back of the bike and held it out to me.
"Seth, don't even think about getting on that motorcycle!" Leah's voice shrieked from the direction of the picnic table.
"Typical," I muttered.
"Look, just leave it," Paul said.
"No, I won't. You helped me once, so now it's my turn. Wait here a minute. Please?"
He gave a half nod and started the bike engine. I turned and walked over to Leah who was beginning to head towards me.
"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "Stay away from him. You saw what he just did to Jared."
"He's upset," I said quietly.
"Like you'd know."
"He just found out his Dad died," I said. "I know exactly how he feels. I'm going to hang out with him whether you like it or not."
"For God's sake, Seth, he's no good for you." She sucked her cheeks in and then blew her breath out sharply. "Oh, suit yourself. Wear the helmet."
I hurried back to Paul and he reached out again to hand me the helmet.
"I don't need that, you're not wearing one," I said, only because Leah had told me to wear it, which I knew was childish.
"Put it on, Seth," he snapped.
"But..."
"Do as you're told."
"Sorry." I grabbed the helmet and put it on quickly, fastening the chin strap. I didn't miss the astonished expressions of Leah and several of the others as I quickly complied and climbed onto the back of the bike. The minute I was seated the engine roared louder and we began to move forwards slowly, looping around and back to the road. I wrapped both arms around Paul's waist and held on tight as we bumped up onto the blacktop and then sped off towards the other end of the reservation where his house was.
I quickly discovered I liked motorcycles, if only because I got to press myself against Paul's back and hold onto him, my hands on his stomach just above his belt buckle. I could quite happily have sat there all day, but it was a short journey and all too soon we were pulling onto the driveway in front of his house. He put his feet down as the bike stopped and I climbed off at once and removed the helmet. I was tempted to blurt out something about the ride being awesome, but held my tongue. His Dad just died; it wasn't exactly appropriate.
Paul unlocked the front door without a word and walked in, leaving it open for me to follow. He turned left into the kitchen, kicked his boots off, opened the refrigerator to grab a couple of bottles of beer and then walked out again, crossed the hall and pushed open another door. He didn't look at me or speak and I hesitated for a moment, took my sneakers off and then followed. He was already sitting at one end of a large leather couch, rapidly gulping from one of the bottles while the other sat on the table in front of him. I walked over and sat down next to him, pulling my feet up and sitting cross-legged. He didn't say anything and nor did I for a while. I just sat there as he finished his beer, lowered the empty bottle to the floor and picked up the second. He took a few mouthfuls from that one and then put it down too.
"What happened?" I asked softly. "To your Dad?"
"Um...he was in Tacoma...staying with my Aunt Pauline. He went out drinking last night...got in some stupid fight over nothing probably. He was found this morning behind the bar dead from a stab wound."
"Holy shit," I gasped. "I'm so sorry."
"You haven't heard the worst part yet."
He scrubbed a hand over his face and despite the awfulness of the situation, I was still surprised to see tears glistening in his eyes. I reached out and rested my hand on his shoulder. He glanced at me briefly and then lowered his eyes again, swallowed hard and sniffed.
"I told him about ten days ago that I'm gay. I figured it had been a secret long enough, especially when he kept asking why I wasn't bringing girls home. I got pretty much the reaction I thought I would - a black eye and some comment about how there are no fags in the Lahote family. He went to my Aunt's to cool off a while, but I know he was hoping I wouldn't be here when he got back. So I guess he died ashamed of me, maybe wishing he didn't even have a son."
"God, Paul," I groaned.
I couldn't even imagine how terrible he must feel. I could only go off how I'd felt myself, but even though I hadn't known what Dad would have thought of me for sure, I knew he loved me and that he wouldn't have wanted rid of me. My hand was still resting on his shoulder and I slid it to the back of his neck now, squeezing the knotted muscles there. He didn't move for a minute and then suddenly he straightened up, dislodged my hand and turned towards me. His eyes were wet, face pain-filled and after another moment he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug. I hugged him back and we just sat there holding onto each other, my heart hammering with an excitement I knew I shouldn't be feeling when he was suffering so much.
He loosened his hold on me after a while and pulled back, meeting my eyes. His were dark, almost black, and I thought I could drown in them until they began to swim out of focus as he leaned closer and suddenly he was kissing me, his lips crushing mine, tongue thrusting into my mouth, his arms tightening around me again. My pulse raced, I grew hot and I became almost instantly aroused. It was just like when he kissed me in the tent only more intense, more heated and I gasped for breath as his mouth left mine and pressed against my neck instead, his teeth grazing the skin.
His hands gripped my waist then and he pulled me onto him so that I was kneeling astride him, my thighs spread wide. His hands slid down to my butt, squeezing firmly and drawing me harder against him. I was so turned on and my jeans so uncomfortably tight that it hurt and I shuddered as I felt Paul's hardness under me. He took his hands off me for a second and then ran them along my thighs almost to my knees, then back up, his thumbs dragging along the insides of them, making me shudder and groan. Once again his hands left me, only to grasp the bottom of my t-shirt and pull it up and off over my head, dropping it somewhere behind me. Then his arms were around me again, hands warm on my back, his lips trailing kisses down my throat, pausing every so often to bite gently.
I removed my arms from his neck and reached down to pull off his tank top and he let go of me briefly to slide his arms out of it. It was only then that he stopped and looked up at me again.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked huskily.
"Yes," I said at once. Was I sure? Jesus. I had wanted it for a year - more than a year.
"'Cause I can't make you any promises, Seth."
"I'm not asking for any." I would worry about that later. If I got hurt again, I got hurt. I would live. Paul wanted me - even needed me - and it was something I never really thought I would come close to getting.
He didn't say anything else. He tucked his hands under my butt again, shuffled forward to the edge of the couch and then stood up. I wrapped my legs around him and held onto his neck as he carried me out of the room and down the hallway to his bedroom.