There was a pumpkin on his head.
"Um…Phil?" He asked, shooing Susan away from trying to climb up there as well. "Why…do I have a pumpkin on my head?"
"Guess what's coming up soon, Dan!" Phil chirped, setting another large pumpkin down in front of him. "Halloween! And that means carving pumpkins!"
"Carving pumpkins?" Dan repeated, finally managing to get the smaller pumpkin off of himself. "Is this some sort of Muggle thing?"
Phil froze, looking back at him in horror. "You've never carved pumpkins? What about going trick-or-treating? Dressing up?"
Dan shook his head. "We usually just reenact the skeleton war and have a great feast. Sometimes we play enchanted pranks to scare each other. But mostly, we just laugh that Muggles find witches so scary and have a whole holiday dedicated to scaring each other."
He'd never seen someone look so offended. "That's monstrous! Well, you're getting the full Halloween experience this year." His eyes gleamed. "It's my first year celebrating Halloween at Hogwarts, and I want it to go really well."
Dan sat back, thinking. "What if we combined both of our traditions?"
"Sure!" Phil plopped down in front of him. "What did you say you all do? What's the skeleton war?"
Grinning, Dan sat up on his feet as he dropped to his scariest tone. "Many years ago, a witch found a skeleton propped up in a cave near here. Thinking it would be fun to enchant to help out around Hogwarts, she took it back here to enchant. At first, everything went well. It acted according to the witch's wishes, helping clean and watch naughty kids and just generally a well-behaved skeleton. Well, it also learned some magic along with the students while it was here. After about five years, a boy attending Hogwarts was being a jerk to some girl in the hall, and the skeleton discovered him being a fuckboy. It went berserk, and the kid was admitted into the hospital wing, terrified. The skeleton went missing."
Phil's eyes were wide. "Then what?"
"The witch that created the skeleton confessed it had been acting odd lately, and so the staff went looking for it. During this time, in October, the skeleton raised more skeletons from the ground to join him. The skeleton was obsessed with one thought: to eradicate boys acting like jerks. He'd had enough of boys that rattled his ribcage and made messes in the hall just so he'd have to clean them up. After rallying several thousand skeletons across Britain, they marched back to Hogwarts to start their conquest."
Phil gasped. "Against the…the f-boys?"
"Precisely. Now, the kid might've been a fuckboy, but he was still a student, and so were the rest of them. Keep in mind that fuckboy doesn't just apply to boys–there were also girls that acted like fuckboys. Anyway, they stormed the castle. It was the staff versus the skeletons. They managed to destroy most, except one…the original skeleton. It hid and swore revenge. Now, every October, the skeletons rally to fight fuckboys all over the world. Especially on Halloween night…they rise to take revenge and prove their worth."
"Is this legend true?" Phil squeaked, hugging Susan.
"As long as you don't act like a fuckboy, you're safe from the skeletons," Dan laughed. "I don't think you have to worry, Phil."
"Still…" Phil gulped. He then turned to the pumpkins. "On Halloween, we Muggles carve scary faces into pumpkins and then put candles in them to decorate. We also go from door to door saying 'Trick or Treat!' and the people at the house give you candy. You have to dress up in a costume, though, or else they don't give you the candy."
"Sounds weird," Dan mused, turning over a pumpkin. "Muggles are strange."
"You all are the ones responsible for this annual skeleton war!"
"Don't diss the skeletons! That's a fuckboy move!"
Phil made a face. "I don't think trick-or-treating is going to work while we're at Hogwarts, though," he sighed. "Or haunted housing. I really wanted to go this year, too."
"Haunted housing?" Dan asked.
"You go to a house someone's rigged with spooky things and people dressed as scary things," Phil explained. "You walk through and the purpose is to scare you."
Dan scoffed. "Sounds silly. I'd never get scared from something like that."
Phil raised an eyebrow. "Wanna bet?"
"You're on."
"Fine." Phil stood, grinning. "I'll construct a haunted house here next to the lake. On Halloween night, you and I will go through the house and if you don't get scared, I'll do all your Herbology homework for a week."
"Fine," Dan said. "You can get as many people to help you with it as you want. In the unlikely event I do get scared, I'll do your Potions homework for a week."
"Deal." The pair shook hands.
"Now," Phil smiled, picking up a pumpkin, "these pumpkins won't carve themselves!"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Dan walked out to the lake. It was dark already, and slightly chilly.
It was Halloween night.
At Phil's insistence, he'd worn a costume. He was dressed as Jack Skellington from a Muggle movie Phil had made him watch. He glanced at his watch as he stopped under the tree Phil had directed him to go to. Phil was late.
"Welcome, Dan." Phil's voice made him turn around. Phil was dressed in a tux, with striped pants. Phil was blushing slightly, but Dan couldn't think why.
"Are you ready to enter the haunted house?" Phil was trying to lower his voice and sound scary, but it wasn't really having the desired effect. Dan had to stifle a giggle.
"Yeah, but Phil, what are you dressed as? Why the tux?"
"Louise," Phil answered, his voice slightly higher pitched, "likes to play jokes on me."
Dan, bewildered, allowed himself to be led away toward the haunted house. He had to admit it looked good, dark and ominous. "Who all helped you with this?"
"Several people," Phil hinted mysteriously, pulling on Dan's hand. "You go first. Into the main hall."
As he entered, several bats shrieked and flew away. He took a moment to admire the black chandelier hanging overhead before the door slammed behind him, effectively locking him in.
"Phil?" the other boy was nowhere to be seen. Very well…if Phil wanted to play this way, then he'd do it. He approached a sign stationed in the middle of the great hall. It read:
Beware, traveler, for where you stand
Is where a nation crumbled into the land
You may stand tall now, but beware:
Before you leave, we'll have the last scare.
"The hell?" he mumbled, before feeling the ground shake and he turned just as a hand popped out of the ground. A low wailing noise could be heard: "Daniel…"
"Shit, zombies, really?" he muttered, turning to sprint up the staircase. As he reached the top, there was another sign:
She lies in wait for those who flee
To be consumed, your fate is to be;
For those who will listen, please take heed:
This woman is not one you wish to meet.
The groaning grew louder behind him, and a slimy hand pressed against his shoulder made him whip around. Shit. Shit. They were close. How did the move so fast?
As if that wasn't enough, he heard a cackling screech down the hall. A glowing woman rose from the ground, laughing hysterically. "Daniel!" she shrieked. "Come! I will rip out your throat and feast on your entrails!"
"No, thanks," he managed, before turning to sprint as she wailed and flew toward him.
"Door, door, please, Phil, give me a goddamn door!" Muttering, he finally found an unlocked one and slammed it shut, bolting it behind him. He heard shrieks and pounding, but they slowly faded.
He turned his attention to the room he'd entered. It appeared to be the kitchen. A sign stood next to the refrigerator:
Congratulations for making it this far
I believe now is the time to raise the bar
And see now if you can run away, not to,
He who plans to use you
As the main ingredient in his next stew.
"Goddammit, Phil," Dan groaned as he saw a whisk placed in front of the sign. "Really?"
Just as he said that, a knife grazed his head and became embedded into the wall next to him. Turning slowly, he found a bloody chef grinning at him.
"You're just in time for dinner, Daniel!" He cackled, lifting another knife. "You'll love today's special!"
"I'm a vegan," he managed, before dodging another sharp knife. He was inwardly cursing Phil, who was no doubt laughing at him.
Picking up the whisk, Dan threw it at the chef, who ducked, which gave Dan enough time to flee into the next room.
"Okay, what's next?" he muttered, looking around. He appeared to be in a children's nursery. The sign in front of him read:
To come this far, you are certainly skilled
But now you shall surely be killed,
For the children here that lie in wait
Have a thirst for blood only you can sate.
"Ooh, look at me, my name's Phil and I can use fancy words like 'sate'," Dan grumbled.
"It's actually not that hard of a word," Phil spoke from behind him, and Dan whirled around.
"Can you stop coming up from behind me?"
"Why? Did I scare you?" Phil grinned.
Dan rolled his eyes. "Where are these children you spoke about?"
"Who knows?" Phil was grinning wolfishly, eyes gleaming. "You've practically sprinted through the first portion of the house, but you've got a lot to go. How do you like it?"
"Are you the one writing these signs? Did they have to rhyme?" Dan waved toward the sign.
"Hey, I worked hard on those!"
"Why're you here now?"
"Just popped in to see how you were doing. I'll leave you to your–" Phil was cut off as a slow breeze rustled the room, and a clattering noise was heard.
Dan rolled his eyes again. "Is this your children thing?"
Phil looked confused. "No…"
A door slid open behind them, and both were shocked to see a skeleton standing there in battle armor.
"Phil," Dan whispered, "please tell me that this is part of your haunted house."
"No." Phil squeaked, his eyes wide. "No skeletons were included in the making of this house."
"Then what…"
"Fuckboy," the skeleton chattered with its teeth, "you have questioned the skeletons, and shall stand trial."
Before either boy could speak, the skeleton shot forward and grabbed Phil's arms. Dan jerked, then his eyes narrowed. "Hey–!"
"Da–!" in just a split second, the skeleton was gone…and so was Phil.
"Phil!" Dan shouted, alone in the empty room. No children rose to continue the haunted house pranks. All was quiet.
"Phil!" Dan had never been more terrified in his life. The skeleton war was just supposed to be a myth…
He ran out, back into the main hall, where the zombies and ghost were both gone. Everything was eerily quiet.
"Phil!" He screamed again, then realizing there was a faint noise coming from somewhere. He listened intently.
"Dan!"
He whirled around. Where was it coming from?
"Dan!"
He started running through the house, not paying attention to any of the decorations anymore. Finally, he heard it clearly: "Dan!"
Dan kicked open a door and found himself in the back of the house, in the garden.
Phil was nowhere to be seen. Several skeletons were digging at something in the back.
"Move!" he cried, pushing the skeletons aside. Before him was a freshly dug grave, with a tombstone reading…
…Phil Lester.
"Phil!" Fear coursed through him, giving him adrenaline as he dug into the fresh dirt, until his nails hit a black coffin.
Frantically, he opened the coffin, only to see Phil's cold, pale face. His eyes were open in terror, his mouth open, but he did not move, as if he'd been petrified.
Dan had never known fear before that moment. "Phil!"
A skeleton grabbed him, and he struggled, another skeleton coming over to restrain him. They dragged him away from the coffin, and he screamed.
A cloaked figure slowly walked forward. It inspected Phil's grave, disturbed by Dan, then turned and walked toward him.
"Why do you interfere?"
"What did you do to Phil?!"
"He said something only a fuckboy would say. This was his sentence. Do you want the same fate?"
"Let him go!"
"Daniel James Howell," the figure leaned forward, and shivers went down Dan's spine. "I have only one thing to say to you."
He stared back defiantly.
"…Happy Halloween."
Dan blinked. "What?"
The figure raised a wand, and waving it, the skeletons dropped. Dan heard a gasp from the coffin and he raced forward, finding Phil getting up.
"Dan? What happened?"
"Phil! You're okay!"
"I remember a skeleton…and then…"
Both turned toward the figure, which threw back its hood to reveal none other than their Headmaster.
"Professor Kjellberg?"
"Hello, boys!" he chirped. "Did I scare you well? What did you think?"
"I don't understand," Dan said slowly.
"It's simple. I heard of your little bet–which the whole school is betting on, by the way–and decided I'd join in the fun. Naturally, the best way was to use the old skeleton war myth."
"So…it wasn't real?" Phil asked.
"No, of course not," Professor Kjellberg laughed. "After Phil had his fun with his haunted house, I enchanted a few fake skeletons to kidnap and bury Phil. I stunned him and placed him in the coffin. It was the only way I could scare the pants off both Phil and you, Dan."
"But Dan wasn't kidnapped," Phil stated, confused. "Why was he scared?"
Dan turned red.
"In any case, I got both of you," he cackled. "This was an enjoyable Halloween. Now, why don't you two run along to the Great Hall? There's a great Halloween party going on."
Dan helped Phil up, and both looked at the Headmaster. "You got us, sir," Phil admitted, smiling. "Thanks for that. I guess the bet's invalid now."
"Why?" Dan asked, turning to him.
"The bet was whether you'd get scared. According to Professor Kjellberg, you did get scared, but I wasn't the one that scared you."
"Fair enough." Dan turned to the Headmaster. "Happy Halloween, Professor."
Felix watched the pair disappear into the castle, then turned toward a skeleton emerging from the haunted house. "They still believe it to be a legend."
"That is for the best," the skeleton chattered. "I must go, Felix. My troops are standing ready to march on. We have a busy night."
"Farewell," the Headmaster told him, watching as the skeleton disappeared into the Halloween night.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
This is the silliest thing I've ever written, and I apologize for nothing.
Hope you liked it! What else did you expect from a dan and phil Hogwarts Halloween?
Let me know what you think!
Bye now.