Chapter six

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When Kathryn awoke the next morning the lounge was still reasonably dark and as she drew back the heavy curtains, the very first amber rays of sunlight were filtering their way through the slim cracks between the branches of the trees. The room was warm and looking over at the fire she saw that someone had added extra wood overnight. Slowly, she climbed back under the chunky knit cherry red blanket and laid her head down on the soft cushion.

The first few days after Chakotay's death, each morning had brought with it that horrible, sickening realisation of just what had happened. The moment when she woke from her worst nightmare only to find that it was now her reality. Until then, she hadn't known what it was like to cry yourself to sleep and then find yourself still crying when you woke. Even losing Justin and her father hadn't bought with it that kind of all encompassing grief. Grief that had broken her heart in two and then ripped it from her chest. She had expected the pain, the loneliness, but the anger and loss of control had hit her without warning. For now, she was concentrating on surviving each day, hoping that somewhere along the line, things would get better. She closed her eyes to picture Chakotay's face, his gentle smile flashed before her eyes until it was too and sitting bolt upright, she opened them quickly. Not wanting to be alone with her thoughts any longer, she was grateful for the faintest knock at the solid wooden door.

Sekaya's head appeared and she padded into the room, holding out a cup of coffee which Kathryn accepted gratefully. She was already dressed casually in jeans and a warm maroon sweater and no sooner had she handed over the beverage than she disappeared only to return a few minutes later with two ceramic bowls full of steaming porridge.

Kathryn managed a smile. "Morning. Did Tom put you up to this?"

"No, it was in Chakotay's letter."

Kathryn turned her head as Sekaya sat down on the floor next to her and started to eat. "Do you know how many letters he wrote?"

"No, I presumed three, mine, yours and one for Tom and B'Elanna. Eat Kathryn."

She nodded pointedly at the bowl and Kathryn picked up her spoon. The porridge was hot and creamy and made her feel warm to her very bones as her mother would say.

"Did you sleep well?"

Kathryn nodded. "Better than I have since…..well, for a while."

Sekaya paused, "do you dream of him?"

She shook her head. "I haven't dreamt at all since that night although I wish I could. Do you?"

"Every night since he passed, it's comforting mainly. It helps me to accept that he's at peace, I'm sorry..." She stopped as she saw the emotion in Kathryn's eyes.

Kathryn forced herself to swallow a mouthful of porridge. "Don't be, you just reminded me of something Tom said at the Memorial, that's all."

She gave Sekaya a smile. "I like talking to you about him; I know I need to talk about him."

"You didn't talk to your family or Tom and B'Elanna?"

"Some, with my family. Tom tried, but most of the week after Chakotay died, I was in no state to talk even if I'd wanted to. Tom kept me safe and didn't let me out of his sight."

She hesitated, feeling her cheeks warm. "Did you know that he slept on my bedroom floor?"

Sekaya shook her head. "I can believe that he would go to any lengths, I get the impression that you engendered that kind of loyalty those seven years."

Feeling the comment entirely undeserved, Kathryn shrugged, I like to think we're a family, now more than ever."

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After breakfast, Kathryn went upstairs to shower and change, when she returned, she was surprised to see Dyami sitting at the square kitchen table peeling potatoes, he smiled cheerfully at her.

"Good morning."

She managed a polite nod and busied herself making more coffee when Sekaya appeared with an armful of flowers. "You really do drink that much coffee? I always thought that Chakotay exaggerated."

The comment made them both smile as she continued, "Nita and I are off to collect some supplies from the next farm, we'll be back in fifteen minutes or so, long before the others arrive. Dyami, you'll stay with Kathryn and fill her in?"

He nodded as she grabbed a canvas bag and they headed out. Feeling slightly awkward, Kathryn looked down at her mug of coffee and then across at him and he looked up, his dark eyes finding and holding hers. For some reason that she couldn't fathom, she felt uncomfortable and so she looked down again hurriedly, choosing to remain at the other side of the room.

"So, tell me about this afternoon."

Dyami continued to peel, "our mourning customs involve remembering those who have passed with the people that we love, and with those who loved them too. It's traditional to start the afternoon with a shared lunch, after that, everyone will be encouraged to share their stories about Chakotay: Childhood experiences, memories, conversations, anything that they like."

She felt his gaze upon her again and then to her surprise, he got up and walked to stand close to her. His hand came to rest lightly on her shoulder and she took a soft intake of breath at his familiarity.

"Don't worry, you can stay for as little or as long as you want, nobody will expect you to say anything. It really is a lovely way to remember."

She nodded, torn between her immediate desire to move away and to stay. There was something about him that she found comforting, but feeling a sudden surge of guilt, she turned and walked back across the room towards the sink.

"Am I expected to attend?"

She heard the amusement in his voice. "This isn't Starfleet Kathryn, there are no directives. You don't want to stay?"

"No, it's not that. It's….." She didn't finish, rubbing her hand across her forehead as she tried to find the words. Once again, he closed the space between them, crossing in room in a couple of long strides and propping himself against the work surface.

"Let me try. You're afraid that it will be too much, too soon and that you'll lose control and end up in a heap in front of a whole bunch of strangers?"

She considered this silently. He didn't only remind her a little of Chakotay, he had the same uncanny knack of uncovering her true feelings. It must be something they put in the water around here. Dyami's tone softened and his eyes saddened, "Chakotay loved you with his whole heart Kathryn. Did you know that he once told me that he would have waited another seven years if that's what it would have taken?"

She swallowed, unhappy with the direction that the conversation was taking and feeling slightly suffocated, decided that escape was her best plan, opening the back door and almost colliding with Sekaya and Nita carrying large bags.

"Whoa, what's the hurry?" Nita smiled as he managed to re-balance a loaf of bread that nearly fell.

"Sorry, I'm just getting some air…. I..."

She didn't slow her steps and and headed through the door, gratefully crossing the garden towards the woodland and out of their sight. Sekaya looked the now cooling cup of coffee and then looked questioningly across at Dyami.

"Something you said?"

He smiled apologetically, "I hope not, but I'll go after her in a bit."

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Kathryn tried not to break into a run across the last section of the lawn. Heart pounding, she didn't stop until she was a good way inside the woodland and pressing her back against a towering oak tree, strained her eyes to look up and into the sky. She wasn't sure what had made her feel so uncomfortable, the thought of the upcoming afternoon or Dyami's familiarity. It was just a casual hand on her shoulder, a simple gesture of friendship, yet it had somehow felt far too intimate. It had not been his touch itself she realised, but rather, that for a moment, she had wanted nothing more than to turn around and rest her head against his shoulder. The desire to be held, that was what had felt so wrong. It had been a terrible, painful reminder that Chakotay would never hold her in his arms again and she so desperately wanted to feel the protection of his embrace. An embrace that had always been enough, even in the worst of times. During their time in the area of the Delta Quadrant they had called The Void, she had felt an overwhelming weight of guilt pressing down on her, it had been like a bulkhead crushing the very air from her chest. She had retreated into her quarters, isolated herself in a sphere of depression and anger, analysing her decision to destroy the Caretaker's Array over and over. But he had never given up on her and when they had finally made it through, he had sought her out. He hadn't said a single word, but had just been with her as the emotion finally took its toll, his arms conveying all the forgiveness that she needed.

Thinking of that time made the pain in her chest return and she slammed her hands against the tree. Her chest heaving with a pent up frustration, she gave herself permission to whisper the words she hadn't dared until now and ride the wave of anger and sadness that accompanied them. Unsure who she was speaking to, she dropped to her knees, resting her palms against the tree's cool, ebony bark, the forest sounds and the pure air acting as a balm. She didn't hear the approaching footsteps until he was close and sensing a presence behind her, wasn't entirely surprised to hear his familiar, quiet voice.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable Kathryn; if you'd prefer to be alone right now, please say. But if you would let me stay, I'd like to. I know how awful this feels."

She didn't respond at first, but after a while rose and turned slowly to face him. He stood still as she studied him, tilting her head to appraise. He was a kind person she decided, his eyes conveying an empathy that was almost palpable. She opened her mouth to ask him a question, a curiosity that had been building since the first time they had met, but pre-empting her, he nodded sadly in reply and stepped forward closing the space between them, absorbed in her grief, she leant forward and laid her head against his shoulder.

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As the noon sun began its slow ascent into the sky, they sat with their backs resting against the same tree. She rested her palms on her knees. "I'm sorry Dyami."

He shook his head. "Never apologise for grieving for someone that you love Kathryn."

She sighed. "Who did you lose?"

"My wife."

Chiding herself, she turned to look at him. "Forgive me Dyami, I'm so very sorry. I should have asked before now."

He shook his head again. "No you shouldn't have, you've got your own grief to deal with. Elise... she died in an accident almost two years ago."

They sat in silence while she digested. "Thank you for today."

He shrugged slightly, his voice slightly sad. "You miss their touch, sometimes you just need..."

He looked off into the distance and she finished the sentence, "...to be held?"

He nodded. Knowing his situation brought the confidence to ask him the question that she hadn't dared to ask anyone. "Does it get any better? I can't imagine my life without him. We were only together in a romantic sense for the last three years, but we were best friends for the last ten."

He thought. "I don't know really. I suppose you get through the initial shock, then just go through the motions for a while, surviving each day just to get to the next."

She couldn't help interrupting. "And then?"

"Then I guess you work out who you are and what makes you happy."

"You're happy?" He smiled, his eyes meeting hers. "Let's just say I'm open to the possibility of happiness. For a long time the world was black and white and now the colour has begun to seep in around the edges."

She liked the image the description brought to mind. "What did you do? After those first few weeks?"

"I needed a routine. A reason to get up each day, so I went back to work."

"On your farm?"

He laughed. "No, I took over my dad's farm as a young man, but that wasn't really me. I'm a plant geneticist, my speciality is sustainable crop engineering."

"And here I was imagining you ploughing the fields of Trebus."

"That's more of a stereotype than I'd expect from you Admiral, I don't even live here full-time."

She raised her eyebrows, "I'll consider myself duly reprimanded, although I'm going to place some of the blame on Chakotay's ancient legends."

Stretching his legs he stood, pulling her up after him as they started towards the house, shading their eyes from the sun. After a minute he looked across at her with a smile.

"You know he mostly made those up to impress women right?"