The One that Got Away

In Which Commander Shepard Parlays Desperately with a Woman of Tender Virtues, Undeniable Class, and Enthralling Charisma

"'Do I run Omega?'" scoffed Aria. "I AM Omega."

Shepard looked around at the grungy, stinking strip club full of boozed up losers and slutty mainlining Asari strippers. The place smelled of decay, both of the moral and mental sort; mutated wasps huddling in a sickly heap around the hive they found in Afterlife, which was perched smack dab in the center of the dry torpid heat of millions dying beneath a pall of disease and poverty everyday.

"Good for you."

Aria lounged back in her chair. "Watch that tongue, Shepard. There's only one rule on Omega: don't fuck with Aria."

"If you forget," said the batarian behind him, "I'll toss your ass out the nearest airlock."

"That's fucking terrifying," said Shepard. He looked at Aria speculatively. "Good thing I'm not into dudes!"

Aria raised an eyebrow. "You must be pretty stupid if you can't tell the difference between women and men."

Shepard put a mocking hand to his mouth. "Really? I could have sworn you've been waving your giant purple pecking stick at me ever since I arrived in this shit hole. Exactly what is it do you think I'll do? Try to start my own gang of six eyed freaks?"

The batarian growled.

Kasumi cleared her throat. "Hey Shep, let's not piss off the crime Queen of Omega, okay?"

"I second the motion," said Miranda. "It's best not to aggravate lower class scum."

Shepard rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the advice Master Race."

Aria smiled cheerfully. "You've got balls Shepard, I'll give you that. But not a lot of smarts."

"Should I take care of them?" asked the batarian, hand stretching towards his pistol.

Shepard touched a hand to his earpiece. "Hey Joker? I want you to undock and fire the Thanix cannon onto my position."

Miranda and Kasumi looked at each other.

Aria waved a finger at them all. "Now now boys, no need to get dramatic. I'm sure Shepard just wants some information and then he can be on his way." She raised her eyebrows at him. "It would be a shame to waste all that money Cerberus put into you."

"OH MY GOD YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. Except that my radio isn't turned on." Shepard plopped down into the seat right next to Aria. "I'm looking for Mordin Solus the Salarian Spergfest. Heard of him?"

"I hear everything," began Aria, waving away the thugs that approached to yank Shepard to a more respectable distance away.

"Yeah, you're Queen Bitch of Omega. I get it."

"Good. If you forget, someone will remind you"

"Then I'll toss you out the nearest airlock," said the batarian again, on cue.

Shepard leaned away from her, his body shaking from the douche chills. "I don't think I'm going to be forgetting any time soon. Do you guys rehearse that or something?"

"Good. And yes, we do." Aria smiled, obviously pleased with herself.

"Fuck me. Where's Mordin?"

"I like Mordin," said Aria.

"That's not what I asked. I asked where he was."

"I don't care. But if you really want to know he's in the clinic, in the slums. It's a great place to live nowadays what with the plague and mercenaries shooting everything that moves while the vorcha gnaw on the corpses of the dead."

Shepard's eyes crossed. "Sounds great. Do they get cable in there? How's the commute to your bedroom?"

"Funny." Aria waved a hand. "You can go now. Humans are usually immune, except when they take it in the butt from vorcha. So try not to bring the plague back with you.

"Don't worry about me; I'm not the one from the race who can't decide if they're men or women when anything with a pulse steps into the room." Shepard stood up and made for the exit of Aria's VIP box. "Thanks for nothing," he said over his shoulder.

"You're welcome. And one more thing," called out Aria, sitting calmly with her legs crossed as they receded from view around the corner. "If you ever get near me again without asking permission I will send you back to your ship in a box."

"Why don't you suck my box?"shouted Shepard at top volume in the middle of the club. Kasumi laughed nervously and pushed him gently towards the door. Miranda made sure nobody was following.

They exited into the glowing red florescence of what passed for 'outside' on Omega. Anywhere else it would have passed as a bm.

"I think that might have been handled a little better," said Miranda."For one we could have avoided starting a feud with the most powerful person on this lump of rock."

"What are you talking about? I thought we got along great."

"She threatened your life three times," said Kasumi. "I counted."

"Glad to know you're good for something." Shepard waved a hand as Kasumi scuffed the ground sulkily. "Besides, she was all over me."

"Are you saying we just observed some sort of primitive mating ritual between bastads?" asked Miranda with clinical interest.

"Absolutely," said Shepard. "When two bastards meet they must exchange preemptive threats to establish their territory, and then move on to unnecessary insults to gauge each other's levels of bastardness. I think I've found a match if I do say so myself." He beamed as Kasumi and Miranda looked on in some amazement. "One day," continued Shepard, "we'll make little bastards together."

"You're joking," said Miranda.

"Yes." Shepard shouldered past her. "Now let's go wade through the slums and get diseases."

"But our love never came to anything. And so that's the one that got away," said Shepard, finishing the story and spreading his hands like Jesus delivering alms to the poor.

Miranda pursed her lips. "The story would have been better without the part where you lied."

"Shut up."

"Yeah, Miranda's right—I don't think we even ever met Aria again," said Kasumi, finishing her sake and sitting back in her chair in the Illium Longue.

"That's because you just weren't there when we did you useless chink," snapped Shepard. Kasumi flipped him off as he pointed a finger at Samara, who had been talking to Mordin. "But you were."

"Yes," said the Justicar serenely. "It was when we were taking care of my…personal business on Omega."

"Yeah, and what a waste of time that was. But things were different with Aria." Shepard nodded proudly to himself.

"How so?" asked Thane.

"That time it was that gay turian, not the batarian who said they'd toss me out the airlock."

Jack laughed. "Ha! Shepard got cock blocked by the gay turian."

Mordin looked up from his Mountain Dew. "Learn from experience; diplomacy sometimes pays off." He grinned. "Sometimes not."

Shepard did not smile. "What the hell, Mordin. Why did you get a fountain drink? We have those at the Normandy."

Mordin stirred the cup with his straw. "Fizzier here—more air to each sip, enhances texture."

"You're paying for the tab." Shepard stood up. "You guys wait here, I'm going to go start conversations with the bartender until she randomly mentions sex so I can laugh like a school girl."