Disclaimer—I do not own Supernatural.

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Chapter Five

Three Months Later

Dean's POV

"Sam! Dean!" Bobby hollered from the living room. "You better get your asses in here!"

Sam and I looked at each other from our positions in the kitchen knowing that whatever Bobby wanted us for it couldn't be good, before moving towards the living room. As we entered the room, I saw that Bobby was standing, back turned to us while tacking yet another newspaper article to the wall which was already crowded with various newspaper clippings, notes, and photos.

"What's going on Bobby?" Sam inquired, stepping towards Bobby's desk which was laden with books, papers, notebooks, and liquor and beer bottles.

Bobby turned around, took up his television remote, turned on the TV and gruffly said, "I just got a phone call from a hunter based out of Buffalo telling me to check the news." Bobby turned CNN on and turned up the volume to his TV.

Turning my gaze to the ancient TV, I listened to the news report that was coming out from New York City. Apparently another body was found in the streets, which wouldn't be that unusual for the city except that this body had strange markings burned into the cement that looked like enormous wings. Watching the aerial view from a camera stationed in a hovering helicopter, I saw that the body was that of a young man who couldn't have been more than fourteen years old.

"Goddamnit," I said, still watching the news report as the reporter discussed the possibilities of a serial killer with a religious psychosis. However, the only problem with that theory was the fact that these killings were happening all around the globe. So far fifty in total. "What the hell is Cas doing?" I angrily murmured.

"What do you think he's doing you idgit?" Bobby rhetorically answered while sitting back down at his desk and pulling a book towards him. "It's obvious that he's still 'punishing' Raphael's followers."

"Yeah, I know, but why doesn't he just snap his fingers and pop them like balloons?"

"Someone else is doing Cas's dirty work," Sam responded with crossed arms, furrowed eyebrows, and thoughtful eyes. "So that means that Cas himself has followers in heaven."

I sighed, rubbing a hand down my face before taking a swig from my beer bottle. "We need to find another way. We need to try to find something to get those souls out of Cas," I said with mounting frustration.

"What do you think we've been doing for the past three months, boy? Sitting on our thumbs? Braiding each others' hair?" Bobby sarcastically responded while rifling through all of his notes.

"We've hit nothing but dead ends, Bobby, and things are getting worse! We know jack-shit-about-squat!" I heatedly responded, walking over to the wall with all of the newspaper clippings and various supernatural cases and oddities that were reported to Bobby, pointing them out.

About two weeks after Cas's transformation from angel to God, Sam and I went on a run of the mill haunting case. Apparently this family moved into a house and started getting haunted by a really nasty spirit, but all of the sudden the spirit pretty much became docile. Anyway, when we arrived at that house to hunt the evil bitch, the spirit turned around and begged us to salt and burn her bones so that she could "move on."

Not that long after that freakish case, about a day after returning to Bobby's, Bobby started receiving calls from hunters remarking about the strange behaviors of monsters that they had been hunting. One hunter was hunting a rugaru who all of a sudden became a good law abiding citizen that turned to vegetarianism. Another hunter was hunting a shapeshifter who claimed that all they wanted to do was get a 401K and a good healthcare plan.

And not only that, but now more and more gods and goddesses were causing ruckus with their sacrificial worshippers and fairies and leprechauns and goblins and whatnot decided this was a nice time to come out and play.

While the everyday monsters that we faced decided to completely hide or try to become part of society with respectable jobs, a healthcare plan, wife, 2.5 rugrats, and a white picket fence, the monsters we normally didn't face everyday decided that it was now time to party. And don't even get me started on the bigger and badder monsters that have been popping up lately that we have no idea what they are.

Even the demons have completely disappeared!

And that's not even the worst thing. The worst thing was the climate shift! Two months ago Miami got three feet of snow! Two weeks ago there were earthquakes in Michigan! And the Pacific Northwest was experiencing a severe drought! And that's only naming a few out of many climate oddities.

"Cas is really fucking up here guys!"

Sam huffed. "Dean, I don't necessarily think Cas is responsible for the imbalance in weather and for the changes in all of the monsters."

"Then what is?" I demanded, turning on Sam expectantly.

"The natural order, Dean. Just think about it. Tessa said we messed it up big time. All of those Purgatory souls on earth are screwing everything up. Hell, right now I'm sure that even killing Eve screwed some things up. It's making creatures act different, by either hiding completely or trying to assimilate into society. New creatures that we've never even faced before are turning up. What reason would Cas have for doing any of that? I don't think he's directly responsible for most of what's been going on lately," Sam reasoned, vehemently.

"Then what's Cas's end game here?" Bobby growled looking as us in turn.

"Well, either way we need to find out and soon before it's too late," I replied. "We need to send those parasitic souls right back to where they belong."

We all nodded in confused, contemplative agreement before falling silent.

Long moments passed, before Bobby spoke up. "We could go to Ellie's house and see if we can find anything. She spent her time here trying to prevent people from opening Purgatory; she may have some books or something on the subject. She was a collector after all," he said with a gruff tone, eyes averted.

Glancing over at Sammy, I saw furtive agreement reflected in his eyes for this plan, so I said, "Let's do it. Maybe we'll finally get lucky?"

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Packing the last of our stuff into the Impala not even an hour later, we watched Bobby pull out of his driveway. Patting my baby on the roof I smiled before opening the driver's side door, however, just as I was about to slide in Sam stepped in my way with his gigantor body—causing me to leap backwards—and held out his hand.

"Look Dean, I think I should drive today," Sam said, looking down at me with concerned, puppy dog eyes.

Crossing my arms, I narrowed my eyes. "And why is that exactly?"

Sam ran a hand through his long hair, before saying, "Because you've been drinking nonstop, not sleeping, and I know you've been taking those damn pills. I mean do you want to be the cause for crashing the Impala?"

I glared up at my brother even though I knew he was right. Lately I've been in no condition to drive or do pretty much anything besides doing research and even then I sucked big time. I was not the type of person that can just sit still for hours on end reading a dusty book that made little to no sense to me. Even so, I probably would have fought for my right to drive if Sam hadn't have appealed to my better nature. It wasn't that long ago that I had finally got Baby in working condition again and I wasn't ready to do that again if I crashed her.

"Fine," I said, tossing Sam the keys before circling around the car to the passenger side door. "But if you so much as scratch her in her fragile condition you'll never drive again."

Sam rolled his eyes, muttered, "Jerk," and slid into the driver's side seat.

As he turned the ignition, I knew he was expecting me to retort with a, "Bitch," but I was in no mood right now for brotherly banter.

It's been three months since Cas took in all of those Purgatory souls and became God, and we were nowhere closer to saving all of our asses, including his. Things were fucked up and once again we were at blame, just like before when I was to blame for breaking the first seal in Hell and when Sam was to blame for breaking the last seal and raising Lucifer. I understood our fault in this but it didn't ebb the anger I felt towards Cas. He should have found some kind of way in warning us about the specific plans that Raphael taking in order to free Michael and Lucifer. He should have been stronger when he took in all of those souls, strong enough to resist them, strong enough to get rid of them, but instead when he took them in he was a shell of his former self, a broken man. He should have known better! However, where would we even be if Cas hadn't of taken in those souls? We would have been in the midst of Apocalypse 2.0. We probably would have all been dead by now.

I remembered when I told Castiel not to ever change. It was right after he zapped me to the side of the road after Zachariah took me five years into the future. A future that was full of Croats. A future where Sammy had said yes to Lucifer when all hope was lost. A future where Bobby was dead, having been shot in his wheelchair. A future where I had been a jackass who didn't think twice about sacrificing my friends, my family. A future where my best friend, an angel of the Lord, was a full fledged human being. A human who was sex crazed. A human who took any type of substance he could find to numb his feelings of betrayal he harbored toward his deadbeat father, God. I remembered thinking that that wasn't Cas, the angel who had gripped me tight and raised me from perdition. I remembered thinking that my best friend was and shell from who he once was. I remembered vowing to myself that I'd never allow that future to come to pass. I remembered that I cared for Cas just the way he was. I never wanted him to change and I told him so that night on the side of the road. I remembered that when I said this I had put my hand on his shoulder and I remembered his smile at my words.

I thought that Cas's trip down hippieville road was the worst possible path Cas could have taken, but now I could see how incredibly wrong I was, how incredibly stupid I was.

I should have treated him better. I should have treated him more like a friend these past two years. But instead I treated him like some divine servant, only calling him down from Heaven when we were in trouble. Rachel had been right. I should have made more of a effort in showing him that we were pals, instead of taking him for granted and pushing him away, pushing him so far away that he broke. I knew now that when Cas crumbled Sam's wall, it wasn't just a diversion, it wasn't just a means to an end. I knew now that Cas was hurt and that he took his pent up aggression out on me by directly hurting my brother.

At that point, Cas saw our relationship as a sham and wanted to hurt me, like I had hurt him.

Sighing morosely, I took out my flask. Unscrewing the top, I took a long swig and peered out the window, gazing at the passing trees that were turning shades of crimson, gold, and brown. Everything did change.

"Dean, look man," Sam said awhile later, giving me a sidelong look, while simultaneously keeping his eyes also on the road, following Bobby. "I know the past few months haven't been puppies and rainbows. It's been one shitty situation after another, I get that, but I think you need to talk about it. You lost Lisa and Ben and Cas and almost me in a span of just a couple of days…"

I turned a murderous glare at my brother, clenching my jaw. "I told you to never mention Lisa and Ben to me again."

"Fine," Sam resigned, shaking his head, "But you never told me not to talk about Cas, so here I am pushing the subject. You need to talk about it. Keeping all of that shit pent up inside you is doing you no favors and I'm worried and to be honest I've been worried about you for a long time now. You've been off your game."

"I'm fine, Sam," I growled, trying to close the subject.

"No you're not," Sam heatedly replied. "You need to deal and honestly I haven't seen you deal since dad died."

Narrowing my eyes I glared at my brother. "What do you want me to do Sam? Cry on your shoulder? Talk about our feelings like two girls?"

Sam nodded. "If it helps then yeah."

"It's not going to happen," I replied, "But if it helps you sleep at night then take my pills away, flush them, I don't care, because they don't do the trick. I'm pissed off Sam! I am so pissed at this fucking world! I feel like shit most of the time and nothing fills this hole that's inside of me, not liquor, not food, not even sex! I'm sick of this life where good people get screwed over time and time again. And there is no stopping it. What's even the point anymore?"

Sam sighed and bowed his head slightly. "We're hunters, Dean; we don't get to have happy, normal lives. We've both tried to get out of this life, but something always pulls us back in."

Taking another swig from my flask, I quietly said, "Well, I wish we could," before turning away, letting a tear fall from my eye.

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Finally arriving in San Francisco, we pulled up to Eleanor Visyak's house. Parking the car behind Bobby's truck, we looked up at the huge expanse of the house, before making sure we were indeed alone.

"We have to make this quick, boys," Bobby growled, with hands in his pockets, looking away from us. "We get in there and take whatever we find that might pose to be useful, anything about Purgatory or souls. And make sure you boys check the walls for hidden drawers or doors or anything."

Nodding simultaneously, we approached the house. Silently I wondered how we were even going to get in. Surely a house this size with this many relics has one hell of a security system? However, my worries were soon over when I realized that Bobby had a key all along. Slipping into the house, Bobby disarmed the security system, before we split up.

Walking around the house, peering through doorways, we finally found an enormous library filled with hundreds if not thousands of ancient looking tomes.

Sighing, I rubbed a hand down my face and turned to Sammy. "I don't think there'll be anything quick about this trip," I said with wide eyes as Sam nodded.

"Well, let's get on it then," he replied.

Each taking a different side of the room, I decided to work my way down from the top, which included me climbing a damn ladder to do so. Peering at all of the books spines, I furrowed my eyebrows, while chewing on my bottom lip. I didn't recognize any of these books and what made it worse was the fact that I couldn't even decipher what was written on the spines as they were in different languages.

Letting out a low whistle, I called over to Sammy. "Do you understand any of these languages, Sammy?"

"Some," he replied thoughtfully, sounding distracted.

"O-kay," I responded, massaging my head. I could already feel a massive migraine coming on.

For the next few hours we dug through Dr. Visyak's library, flipping through books, trying to find familiar words in unfamiliar languages. We also looked behind the books in case any were hidden from sight and we each took in turn running our hands along the wall paneling and knocking on the wood hoping to find some kind of secret compartment that would reveal a book or something that had all of the answers to our questions hidden within their pages. But so far, no dice.

"Dean?" Sammy said, after another couple of hours.

"Yeah?" I inquired, looking over at him, hopefully, wondering if he might have found something truly useful in one of these books.

"I have something to tell you…"

Uh oh, I thought, while I sighed.

Sam turned to face me from his position on the ladder from across the room. "Do you remember when you asked me why I stabbed Cas in the back?"

"Yeah…" I warily replied.

"Well, that day I lied to you. I knew very well what I was doing when I stabbed him," Sam began with a sheepish look in his eyes. "I was angry with him for breaking my wall. I was pissed actually. And I wanted revenge so I stabbed him. I wanted him to die, to suffer."

"Oh, God, Sam!" I exploded in anger. "Why the hell did you have to tell me that?" I glared at him from across the room, thankful that he was so far away because I probably would have hit him and not just because he admitted to wanting to see Cas dead three months ago, but because I knew why he finally decided to tell me the truth. He thought that if he told the truth then maybe I'd finally open up about my own feelings. He's been this way the whole goddamn trip!

Seething, I pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, trying not to lose my cool.

However, thankfully Bobby walked into the room at that moment with a few books in his arms. "Did you boys find anything useful?" He inquired.

"Not much," Sam said with resignation in his voice for being interrupted and for actually not finding much of anything, as he climbed down from his ladder. "What about you?"

"After searching every goddamn room, nook, and cranny, I finally found a hidden drawer in Ellie's bedroom and found these in there," Bobby replied, indicating the books in his arms. "I figured that since they were hidden away something useful may be in these. Have you boys finished up in here?"

Finally calm, I looked around the room one last time, before saying, "I think so."

"Okay, then, let's start hauling everything outside."

Splitting up the books that Sam and I had found that may pose to be useful; we carried our loads outside and unloaded them in the backseat of the Impala. Closing the doors to the backseat of the car, I stood up straight and glanced at Bobby. "Is there anything else we should take?"

Bobby stared up at the house with a forlorn look in his eyes, most likely thinking about Ellie, before shaking his head abruptly. "No, I don't think so anyway. I didn't find anything else in there that may help us," he gruffly said before locking the doors.

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I sat on a bench overlooking a small gurgling creek of cold crystal clear water. Trees and colorful flowers surrounded each side of the bench covered in a light dusting of glittering snow. A feeling of serenity overtook me, making me smile and relax in my seat as I silently appreciated the beauty of this place. It was just so peaceful and I thanked God that I could actually find peace in my dreams half of the time.

Hearing the flutter of wings descend to my right, I jerked slightly in alarm as I found Castiel sitting beside me, head bowed in contemplative silence.

"Where are we Cas?" I inquired, staring at the angel with curiosity. And I knew this was the real Cas, because I have had similar dreams about us before, yet I knew they were only just dreams, unlike when he used to invade my head and dreams once upon a time when he was an angel.

"This is where I finally gave up on God…the real God," Cas desolately answered in his voice that sounded like gravel, looking down at his hands. "I prayed to God in my desperation…begging him to give me a sign, any type of sign that I was on the right path…but he abandoned me. He abandoned all of us." His deep voice was growing more despondent.

"I'm not going to argue with you there," I simply replied with a shrug. "Just another deadbeat dad, ignoring his kids."

"Everyone abandoned me, betrayed me…my friends…my family," Cas continued on with desperation. "I was only trying to save us all. To save you. I cared for you. We were brothers."

"I know, buddy. I know that now," I responded, patting him on the back, trying to comfort him as the sky grew dark and the wind harshly whipped around us. "And I forgive you. I know now that what you did was necessary to getting the job done."

"Then why aren't you saving me?" Cas dejectedly asked, finally looking up into my eyes as lightening crashed and thunder rolled.

Jumping off of the bench in horror at the sight that appeared before me, I gaped at Castiel who was now standing broken and bloody before me. The skin on his face was cracked and bleeding with sores covering his temples and cheekbones. His once vivid blue eyes were now a ghostly pale blue, almost white in color. Lightning flashed, illuminating his now visible wings, but instead of huge, feathery shadows, I saw drooping, bloody bone where feathers should be. His trench coat was coated with hot, sticky blood.

As I continued to stare at Cas in disgust and horror, the sky continued to darken into night and the wind eddied. Lightning flashed around us and through the luminosity, I saw piles of bloody, decaying bodies all around me—bodies of dead people I knew and bodies of people yet to be dead. I saw the bodies of my mom and dad, of Deana and Samuel Campbell, of my half-brother Adam, and of Sammy. Next I saw the putrefying bodies of Jess, Ash, Pamela, Ellen, Jo, Henriksen, Bela, Madison, Ronald Reznick, Meg Masters, Anna, Lenore, Rufus, Gwen, Gabriel, Balthazar, Chuck, Becky, Sheriff Mills, Lisa, Ben, Bobby, and finally the dead and broken bodies of Cas and me.

In revolution and fear, I looked into the eyes of the Cas that was standing before me. "Why didn't you save us?" He asked in a pleading voice, so unlike him, hand outstretched to me.

Uncharacteristically, I reached out my own hand to him. Our fingers brushed against each others, but the contact was short lived as Cas slowly crumbled into a pile of ash.

"NO!" I yelled in horror, jerking awake.

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"Dean! Are you alright?" Sam asked in a panicked voice from his position behind the steering wheel, swerving the Impala to the side of the road.

Gasping and shaking, I found my hand clutching my chest right over my heart. Agony gripped me as hot tears spilled from my eyes in guilt. So many dead bodies. So many! And it felt like it was all of my fault!

Trying to calm down, I told myself that it was all just a dream, just a horrible nightmare, however I knew better. That wasn't just a dream. That was Cas crying out to me to save him. He was dying and he was warning me. Everyone will be dead if we didn't save him from those souls, including him, including me. We were all going to die and we weren't even one step closer to saving him!

"Dean, answer me! Are you alright?" Sammy inquired again with evident concern written across his face.

Calming down enough to dig out my flask, I downed all of the alcohol in it before turning to Sam with anger and sadness burning in my eyes. "When we save Cas, I am through with everything, with all of this bullshit, you hear me? I am done with this life! Done with the loss and the regret and the mind numbing guilt! Done with all of it!"

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I spent the rest of the road trip in stony silence, even though Sam kept bombarding me with questions.

"What happened to you…?"

"Why are you being like this…?"

"What's wrong with you…?"

And on and on and on it went for the whole trip.

However, I just didn't want to talk about my feelings or my nightmare or my decision. I was just so fed up with the bullshit that was our lives. I desperately wished there was a way to get out of this life. I never choose to be this, a hunter. It was practically forced on me. And now I wanted an out, any kind of out. I was so sick of losing loved ones—my family, my friends. I was just so tired.

Hours passed until we finally arrived back in Sioux Falls, South Dakota and back at Bobby's. Parking the Impala, we got out, grabbed our bags and stolen books and followed Bobby up to the house. However, Bobby halted us before we could go inside.

"Someone's inside the house," Bobby hissed out, while silently setting his books down and pulling out a shotgun from his duffle bag.

Sam and I looked at each other for a second before simultaneously dropping our books and bags on the ground and pulling out our guns. Opening the door slowly, we followed Bobby inside, guns raised. Scouting out the kitchen we found that it was empty, but as we turned towards the living room we found two blonde women standing with their backs turned to us.

"Turn around slowly or I'll shoot you where you stand!" Warned Bobby in his gravely voice, shotgun raised.

The two women slowly turned around, guns in their own hands, pointing them at us as we gaped in shock.

"Oh shit!" I exclaimed. "Did another dick with wings un-sink the Titanic again?"

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Author's Note—In this chapter I really wanted to convey all of the angst that Dean has been feeling. His life hasn't been easy, neither has Bobby's or Sam's, and it hasn't gotten any easier in the last few months. He has lost a lot of people and the effects of that are all crashing down upon him.