The next six weeks passed by fairly quickly. Everyone had to take their midterms, which the school passed with an A- (McGonagall explained that the school administration based everyone's grades on the highest F). Now it was time to leave for Christmas Break. However, most of the students stayed there for Christmas since they didn't have parents who cared about them.

"Why hasn't my mommy picked me up yet?" Ron cried in confusion, sitting at a lunchroom table.

"You idiot, you haven't figured it out that your mom doesn't want you home?" Harry asked in disbelief. 'She's probably annoyed by your constant whining and bitching."

"You're lying!" Ron screamed, "My mommy does want me."

Just then, a young 5-year-old boy came up to them carrying a large mail bag. His name was Dobby and was Hogwarts' own personal child slave.

"Here's your mail, fire crotch," he said, handing him a postcard.

"See," Ron exclaimed, showing Harry the postcard, "my mommy sent me this postcard. She said she can't pick me up because she's busy going to college."

Harry snatched the postcard from his hand and looked at it.

"Busy going to college on the Las Vegas Strip?!" He turns the postcard around and shows Ron a photo of his mom drinking a margarita and giving the camera a drunken thumbs-up outside a casino.

"It's true! She doesn't love me!"

"What are you talking about? Nobody loves you."

"Well…" McGonagall appeared in the hallway. "Lust is a more accurate word. Come on, let mama shower you with pity sex."

"Okay…" He reluctantly walked toward her. Several seconds later Harry and Neville heard the sound of the two of them sliding down the staircase.

Heroin then sat down next to them.

"Uh… Heroin," Neville said, "No offense, but… why are you still naked?"

"Oh, I decided to become a full-time nudist. It's a feminist thing."

"No complaints here," Harry said. "So, has anybody found out a way to get past those sex-crazed dogs?"

Heroin and Neville shook their heads.

"Well," Harry continued, "I have an idea."

***

Harry knocked on the wooden door for over a minute until it finally opened. Dr. Dumbledope stood on the other side.

"Well, how may I help you?"

"I, uh, can I come in?" Harry walks inside the office without invitation. "See, sir, since you're the… brains of this organization, I was wondering if you knew anything about the Magician's Stones."

"Oh, my boy, you see, it's more complicated than that. The thing is, I'm not the one to ask about this thing. Staggered's the only one who knows how to get past the security barrier. He's been put in charge of guarding the Stones because no other teacher could trust themselves."

"Oh, I see,' Harry said. "Thanks." He starts to walk out of the office.

"But wait," Dumbledope said. "I was wondering about your friend, Miss Granger…"

"She doesn't have any more heroin!"

"No, it's just, I've seen the two of you hanging out quite a lot. Are you guys…"

"No," Harry responded.

"Oh. Well then, could I… take her out?"

Harry's face freezes in shock.

"NOOOO!!!!!!" Then he ran out of the office.

***

Next he headed toward Staggered's shack. He found him sitting outside, setting fire to an egg with a flamethrower.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked.

"Huh?" Staggered looked up. "I'm trying to hatch 'dis egg."

"Oh. Really?" Suddenly Harry picked up an aluminum baseball bat and bashed him in the head. "You bastard!! You lied to me!! You said you didn't know anything about the Magician's Stones!!"

Staggered staggered up to his feet.

"What are ya talkin' about?"

"Don't fuck with me, asshole! I'm talking about the Magician's Stones!!"

Just then the egg hatches, and a beautiful baby bird crawls out.

"Hey," Staggered yells. "They told me it was a Dragon egg!!" Angered, he set fire to the baby bird, killing it.

"There's no such thing as a dragon egg, you retard. Who sold that to you?"

"Well," Staggered began. "They didn't sell it to me. I met this girl at the bar last night. She seemed fascinated with what I did for a living. I told her everything she wanted to know about the Stones in exchange for a dragon egg, and so that she would… pleasure me."

Harry shakes his head.

"And why did you tell me you knew nothing about those Stones?"

"Because you asked me on a Saturday. Friday's my binge night. Ask me anything drunk, but don't ask me anything on a hangover."

Behind them, Dumbledope and Heroin pull up in a golf cart.

"Thanks for the ride, sir," she thanked him.

"Anytime, Heroin. Anytime." Once she gets out, he gives Harry a menacing death-glare and drove off. Harry, shrugging, was meanwhile distracted by Staggered re-starting the conversation.

"She must 'ave been a sexual deviant, or at least really into S&M, 'cause she made sure to keep 'er hood on the whole time."

Harry's eyes widened.

"McGonagall." He instantly started to bolt away in the opposite direction. He jumped the fence, raced to the school, and made his way to McGonagall's office. "McGonagall!"

She looked up at him from her desk.

"Yes?" Ron fell out from under the desk and made his escape out of the room. Harry ignored this.

"I know you slept with Staggered!"

She looks taken aback.

"Listen, whatever happened between the two of us at last year's Christmas party is none of your business, and I can assure you that it will never happen again!" She stormed out of the room, offended. Then Heroin ran in.

"Hey," she said. "What was that about? You just ditched me."

"You know what, Heroin? I'm sick of you and your stupid fucking questions!! So guess what?! I have a question for you! Why is it that everybody seems to think that I'm your keeper?! Everyone keeps asking me whether or not you're available, or have any fucking drugs!!!"

"Actually, Harry, I think they think I'm your keeper. They just ask you all these things 'cause, you know, you're pretty much my bitch."

"I'm not your bitch, bitch."

"Call me a bitch one more time," she said seductively.

"Uh…"

"Listen Harry, I'd love to stay and argue about who's whose bitch, but I have things to do." Then she left him alone and aroused in Professor McGonagall's office.

Harry, confused, went back to his dorm room. The only person in the whole house was Ron.

"Ron, do you know where Heroin was going today? And what did I say about my beds?!"

"No," Ron responded. "And I'm sorry, but Neville's ass left an imprint in the other mattress."

Harry, screaming, went down to the kitchen and found the biggest butcher knife in sight. Then he went back up to the bedroom. Ron instantly saw the weapon.

"No! Please, I can't die a virgin!!"

"See," Harry said. "That one I believe. Come on!" He grabs Ron. "I'm going to feed you to the dogs!"

"What?!?!"