Author Note – Oh wow! What an astounding response. I'm so happy you all liked the last chapter. I was able to get this chapter out a bit quicker because here is the other half of my ideas which I couldn't fit into the last one. Hope you like it, if you have any thoughts I would love to hear them.
Reconciliation – chapter six
'I don't know where I stand with you, nor do I know what I mean to you. All I know is that every time I think of you, I want to be with you.' - Unknown
Elliot paused at her request unsure if now was the right time to tell her the reasons for his absence. She was still shaking lightly, and he didn't want to cause her anymore emotional upheaval. His own emotions were bubbling under the surface and he was scared what kind of reaction would be caused if he confessed all. Olivia had opened herself up to him, reluctantly allowing him to see how terrified Lewis had made her. She being vulnerable in front of others, usually waiting till she was in private to work through her demons. He wanted to return her trust in him, not run away like they both had time and time again. He placed his cup on the coffee table, clasping his hands together as they dangled in between his legs.
"I was ashamed," Elliot started softly. He hadn't said any of this to anyone apart from his therapist. His pulse quickened again, having not completely returning to normal from Olivia's admission.
Olivia shifted beside him to put her own cup on the coffee table before leaning back, this time her body angled towards him so she could focus on his face and be able to get a better read on him. "She came out of nowhere Elliot," Olivia insisted gently. "There was nothing to suggest that she was going to pull a gun and start shooting."
Logically, Elliot knew she was right. In the thousand times he had replayed the scene in his head Elliot hadn't been able to detect any inclination of what Jenna had intended to do. It still felt wrong. They were supposed to protect Jenna and her mother and they had failed.
There had been no other option, Jenna had turned the gun on innocent bystanders, and her arm first aiming at Sister Peg, next in line had been Olivia. He had to act quickly hoping to stop her before her finger squeezed the trigger again. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion as he pulled his weapon, aimed at her arm and fired, but she twisted and the bullet landed in her chest. He hadn't left just because of Jenna. Shooting her had broken him, but she wasn't the only reason.
Elliot shut his eyes against the images. He hadn't spoken about the shooting for a while. He wasn't sure if he could do it now, not so soon after Olivia's revelations had stirred so many emotions in him. Acutely aware of Olivia's penetrating gaze, he could imagine her thoughtful concern clouding her features, not judging, empathising not sympathising. He could smell her perfume, a blend of honey and vanilla.
He felt caged in. His hand tightened its' grip on the other, strong enough to leave marks. He was fighting the urge to pace and lash out. An impulse he had given into on so many occasions, either physically or verbally. He felt his control slipping, and he didn't want to upset or worry Olivia more than she already was. Pushing himself from the sofa he gave into the impulse to pace the short distance to the window. He breathed in the fresh air, grateful she had told him to leave it open, before turning and leaning against the window sill, folding his arms over his chest. The breeze still brushed against the side of his neck, soothing him a little.
Elliot kept his eyes fixed on a spot on the carpet. He knew that Olivia was waiting for him to continue, he felt her eyes following as he had risen off the sofa. Olivia put aside all of her fears and the hurt he had caused her, shown her trust in him by sharing her private thoughts. He felt unworthy of her faith in him. She had been brave enough to tell him about Lewis, she deserved him to be honest. They deserved honesty. He wasn't sure she was ready for this.
"It wasn't just about Jenna," Elliot admitted quietly raising his eyes to meet her confused expression. He hated himself when she tried to hide her anguish when her face fell, her eyes dropping to her hands, and he knew she assumed she had done something to cause his years of silence. "Things were getting complicated again," he told her.
Olivia's eyes sprang to his, widening as he used the reason she had all those years ago. Neither of them had been brave enough to confront what 'complicated' meant for them, and Elliot had chosen to reluctantly accept her decision out of fear of losing her completely. He hoped she wouldn't flee again after his explanation. Searching her face as she looked back at him Elliot could still see that same fear and apprehension coupled with something he wasn't ready to identify. Olivia said nothing instead she drew a shaky breath, silently imploring him to break their cycle.
"You had lost Calvin," he started, trying to sound more confident than he felt. "Then Sonia died." Elliot stopped when Olivia looked away briefly, wiping at the corner of her eye. In that last year, their bond deepened slowly and he had given into it without realising.
"I hadn't figured out how to tell you that Kathy and I were filing for divorce, how could I tell you that I was leaving?"
Olivia turned back to him sharply. "You were filing before you left?" She clarified. Elliot held her gaze and nodded. He could see the hurt he had caused from his inability to confide in her. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Elliot shrugged. "You would have talked me out of it," he told her. She blinked again, opening her mouth as if she was going to tell him otherwise. He beat her to it, cutting off her disagreement before she could voice it. "Liv, you fought harder for my marriage than I did."
Again she looked like she was going to refute his claim but she didn't. On numerous occasions Olivia had been the voice of reason between him and Kathy, smoothing things over when he pissed her off, actually stopping Kathy from leaving a few times. Her gaze dropped to his now bare finger. The ring he used to wear had been like a barrier between them, neither of them willing to cross it.
Olivia found her voice. "You said you didn't sign the papers till a year after you left."
"Kathy put it on hold because I was still in shock," Elliot explained. "She wanted me to have some stability while I was getting help. If I slept at all, it was on the sofa," he added. "Once I was past the worst of it, we signed the papers and I moved out the following month." He took a deep breath. "I think Kathy and I are better because of that year. We talked honestly, I think we were too exhausted to fight, and we became friends. We figured out that we work better as friends; we were too hormonal to be friends before we got married."
Olivia stared at him. "Does Kathy know that we've been talking?"
"She encouraged me to do it," Elliot nodded watching Olivia's reaction, knowing she would be as shocked as he had been. Kathy's new acceptance of his connection with Olivia had startled him the most. He tried to hide it when he they were married, but she had seen it, been scared of it. Kathy was the one who brought the subject up, she didn't blame either of them. She understood it had been born out of the high risk situations they were in day after day, something she couldn't begin to comprehend.
Slowly the shock slipped away to acceptance and Olivia's head bobbed slightly. "I get that you wanted to leave the job, but it still doesn't explain why you left me too."
"I was a mess. At the time I couldn't face you because I was ashamed that I had given up. I had no idea how to tell you I was ashamed that I was more relieved that you were alive than I regretted shooting a teenage girl. It broke me," he breathed out. He felt the tears on his cheeks before he realised he had shed them, he wiped them away hastily.
Olivia wiped her own tears away. She looked so fragile sitting there, and Elliot wanted to reach out to her, but he knew it would have been a bad idea. Physical comfort between had been rare, changing that when they were both so raw with emotion would be a bad idea.
"I left without saying goodbye-"
"Because things were complicated," she finished for him with a small understanding smile.
He nodded. "It would have been easy to confide in you, but I couldn't talk to knowing that I wouldn't see you every day. I missed you."
"I miss you too." Her eyes were unreadable as they travelled over his form.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you," Elliot said unfolding his arms when he felt damp fabric on his shoulder. He had no idea when it had started raining, but the side of his sleeve was wet. He reached out to shut the window, her eyes followed the action but she didn't say anything to stop him.
"The worst part was I knew you were hurting too," Olivia admitted. "I felt helpless when you didn't return my calls. I just wanted to speak to you."
If Elliot had been braver four years ago, Olivia would have been his anchor. He would have gone to her, and she would have said the right thing and made him feel better. She would have understood, like she always did. "I have no idea how to make this up to you."
"You're doing a pretty good job," Olivia assured him.
Elliot studied her. She was still cautious, but the wall she erected around her heart was beginning to fade. This was new territory for them. They weren't partners. There was no badge, no wedding band between them anymore. They were going to have to rebuild their relationship from the beginning.
"I just have no idea where you fit into my life anymore," Olivia admitted.
"We'll have to figure it out," he replied. Elliot knew Olivia would be more comfortable if she continued to dictate how their relationship proceeded. There was still a long way to go. The confessions they exchanged gave him hope that she wasn't going to tell him to walk away. Elliot would take whatever she was willing to give.
"We can figure it out together," Olivia promised.