CLUTTER
VI. Recollections At Night
On hard stone.
Cold.
Suppose to be a bed.
Hate it.
Hate the cold rock.
Back hurts. Wing hurts. Stomach hurts.
Hurt. Hurt. Hate.
Dormitory is wide and calm.
Dragonets snoring.
Annoying.
Roll over. Wings over my head.
Still hear snoring.
Yell at them.
I could yell at them.
No.
They'd yell back.
Sigh.
Close eyes.
Can't sleep.
Open eyes.
Rock and shadow.
Black and gray.
Candlelight.
A cold draft.
Shivering.
Strongwings. I miss Strongwings.
Think about him.
Think about warmth.
Fire. Crack. Crack. Crack.
Imagine it. Imagine burning.
I try. I can't.
Sigh.
A small window.
Square of stars.
Close eyes.
Stars.
I still see them.
Oh no.
I don't sleep.
I remember.
Square of blue.
Looked out the window.
Saw gray clouds, but also blue.
Good sky.
Bad day.
Yelled at Morrowseer.
He didn't yell back.
Instead, calm words.
go to your dormitory think about what you said
He was not afraid.
then come back for your punishment you insolent child
Mother said nothing.
Mother said nothing.
Only the egg.
All she cared about.
Egg.
Stupid, small egg.
Destiny. Prophecy. Hero.
Why?
Why the egg?
Their hopes.
Their future.
My future.
Why not me?
Not mine. Not mine.
Not fair.
I sat. I kicked. I frowned.
The dormitory.
Boring. Gray. Black.
Looked around.
Empty.
The window.
The floor. A square of light.
I saw it.
My shadow.
I moved. She moved.
Lifted my wing.
Shadow obeyed.
Put it down.
Shadow obeyed.
One. Just one.
The only thing I control.
Clenched my fist.
One thing.
Nothing else.
My tribe?
My world?
My family?
No.
Just my shadow.
No more than that.
Breathed out.
Smoke.
Let it rise.
Watched.
Waited.
Then Morrowseer's voice.
Morrowseer's steps.
He was not afraid.
Neither was I.
Destiny. Prophecy. Hero.
He said it to my face.
He said the truth.
Not me. Not mine.
No destiny.
No control.
I did not yell.
Snore.
Ugh.
So loud.
Can't ignore it.
Snore.
Can't stand it.
Roll over again.
Sigh. Again.
Every night.
This happens every night.
Close eyes.
Maybe sleep...
Another snore.
Nope.
Mutter a curse word.
Scratch at bed.
Awful, cold, stone bed.
Nice sound.
Hurts my claw.
Shuffle wings.
Breath in.
Breath out.
Look at the ceiling.
Jagged. Plain.
Wish it had stars.
Never mind.
The stars would be blocked anyway.
So I don't wish that.
Throat hurts.
Am I sick?
Ugh.
I hope not.
Always happens.
Sickness everywhere.
In the food. In the air. In the water.
Am I ever not sick?
I don't know.
I don't care, I guess.
Sigh. Close eyes.
No sleep.
Just old memories.
Big eyes.
Pale.
Cold.
Staring. Stuck on her.
I knew it then.
He was weird.
On the beach.
The other side of the island.
No sand.
Just pebbles.
Talking to her.
She talked back.
My mother. Mine.
I watched.
No control.
A square window.
Peering out.
Dormitory, looking down.
Alone.
They did not know.
Holding a scroll.
Stupid scroll. History.
Wanted to throw it.
Wanted to hit him. And her.
Surprise them. Show them.
I was there.
I was always there.
Every day, she saw me.
Every day, she saw her daughter.
She did it anyway.
She said his name.
Then he said hers.
And a question.
"Farsight, do you love me?"
Her dark eyes. Almost black.
Like mine.
Studying him.
Pausing.
Then a smile.
I watched. I saw it.
She nodded.
It wasn't true.
Not true. Not true.
Closed my eyes.
Turned away.
She liked him.
Did she like him?
Stretch my wings.
Hit a wall. Ow.
Head up.
Squint.
Watch the ceiling.
Black. Gray.
Calm.
A sneeze.
No!
I am sick.
Why?
Oh, why?
Wait.
I can skip class.
I can say, I'm sick.
Hmm.
Okay. Not so bad.
Not so bad after all.
I'm sick. Yay.
Close eyes.
Wipe snout.
Sneeze.
Recollections.
I hate them.
In the lab. His lab.
I stood there.
Crooked desk.
Papers. Glassware. Bubbles.
He stepped softly.
He turned.
I thought: I hate the way he looks at me.
Like I am a puzzle.
Like I am a question.
But I do not need a stupid answer.
Or a useless solution.
I am a dragon.
I am Fierceteeth.
And he will not put me together.
He smiled at me.
He did not mean it.
Big, pale eyes.
He is wrong, I thought.
I am not a lock.
I cannot be opened.
She is gone now.
He is not.
Half-asleep.
Mom. My mom.
His wife.
Dark eyes. Numbers. Flowers. Prophecy. Purple. Yellow.
Remember her name.
Farsight.
I could yell it.
I could whisper it.
I could ignore it.
I think it.
Farsight. Farsight. Farsight.
Snore.
Ugh.
Pause.
A decision.
Tomorrow I will skip class again.
Tomorrow I will stand by her grave.
A choice is made.
I will.
Now sleep.
Close eyes.
Silence.
Then...
Snore.