A/N2: Okay, I had to add a little bit more backstory, because I found this chapter a little lacking. I hope it does make this chapter better.

Chapter 5

Confession

Shepard

The hospital was full of people: refugees and soldiers traumatized and injured on nearby planets. There were obviously not enough rooms because beds were laid out on corridors. An asari doctor ushered me to the waiting room, and showed me a couple of scans. "There's definitely some hemorrhaging," she said, "He's in the operating room. We need to stop the bleeding, and see what the trauma has done to his implant."

I took a few slow breaths, and tried to keep the horrifying movie in my head from rewinding to that scene where I was made to watch the Illusive Man's drone slam Kaidan repeatedly on the cold hard metal and to see how Kaidan repeatedly convulse wildly from the pain. I wanted to hunt the Illusive Man, but I knew that thinking like that wouldn't help Kaidan.

"Do what you can," I replied calmly, "We need him alive."

She nodded, and handed me a form to sign. Her stylus dropped to the floor, and I biotically picked it up. Her eyes examined me curiously, as I wrote my signature. "Commander, I did not know that you were a biotic."

"Now you do."

All my life, I have been afraid of what people might say about me. I never wanted to be judged by who or what I am. I merely wanted my place in the world so I kept my secrets, and this was one of them. Only a few people knew; people I trusted. Anderson was one of them (he was the one who helped me get around all the Alliance procedures for human biotics), and then later Liara. I never used biotics in combat. When Kaidan found out, he didn't take it well at first, but it is because of him that I learned to accept what I am. I have not learned any of those special talents (though I practiced reaving a bit with Samara), but I could throw a decent barrier, and at least I have learned to read people's energies. I can tell: the energy whenever I am around him is the best—because whenever I feel it, I know that I am safe. It feels like home.

Mindoir, 2170

I, the miserable and the abandoned, am an abortion, to be spurned at, and kicked, and trampled on.

Mr. Cox couldn't keep his class one day, and it was the day where I was called to read a passage from the novel we were reading in Literature class. When I stepped out to the front of the classroom, the class screamed various synonyms of the words freak and monster at me. They only quieted down when Eddie, the most popular boy in school, who in my opinion looks like a cheap boy band clone, stood up and told them to be quiet. "Let the freak speak," he said.

I pushed my glasses in to keep them from falling off, and turned my book to the proper page.

"Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay
To mould me Man, did I solicit thee
From darkness to promote me?"

I closed my book. "Shelley quotes Milton for a reason. Monsters never ask to be created, only that they be treated fairly. If we truly uphold the principles that many of our human heroes stood up for: liberty, justice, equality, brotherhood, then the monsters of this world—criminals, modern slaves, biotics may find a place in this world…"

At the point, the class became rowdy again, and I could not continue my speech. Thankfully, the bell rang, and I took that opportunity to run outside.

As I was quietly walking down the hallway, realizing that my mother was right about school and that I should have simply let her homeschool me, a hand grabbed my collar and slammed me against the lockers, making me drop my books. Three boys by age, I knew them—they were Eddie's minions—cornered me, and pressed me against the hard metal behind me. One of them said, "Your mother is not from these parts. And we heard that she was saved from a transport crash…"

"And that your father found her in a lab…" added another. "And that eezo accident in your father's farm a few years ago..."

I interrupted. "Those are just stories…"

A fist pounded only a few inches from my face. "We also heard about your little stunt on the football field last week. About someone emitting a blue aura…does that have anything to do with why you can run so fast?"

"No…"

The third boy snickered. "Let's see how fast you can run now…"

But I was never given the opportunity to run. They dragged me into an empty lab, threw me on a table and started tearing off my clothes. I tried to scream, but no one heard me. Then, as I felt a hand forcing my legs apart, something erupted inside me—a force that pushed those three boys, knocking them towards the walls. Two of them managed to run away, but one of them lay still on the floor.

The boys were sent to the hospital that day, and the local cops did not questions me because they found red sand on the boys' bags, but people started asking questions.

My life was never the same.

That night, as I cried in my mother's arms, I asked, "Am I a monster, mom?"

"Yes. But so was Medusa and she was beautiful. People made stories about her just so people would not look into her face, and see how beautiful she was. That is what normal people do."

"Then I will be normal. I will keep the monster hidden."

And so I did.

Normandy, 2183

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

He listened to me read Dickinson. I realized that he too was a person who knew pain. He started talking about BAaT, and someone he lost. I listened to him, but I wished I could tell him my story. I thought that maybe, if I could help him heal, I could let myself heal too.

I told him, "Talking does not make you a whiner or immature: it makes you human." Though I felt like a hypocrite, he seemed to believe me. He wanted to be there for me "when this is all over."

An accident with some biotic extremists revealed the secret that I have been keeping. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked bitterly.

I replied plainly, "You didn't have to know." Because I had no words to tell him how it pained me to not tell him.

But even if I lied, he still came after me. "I'll still be there," he said, "you know, when it's all over."

Still I had no words to tell him what I wanted to say.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I kept repeating scripts, lines just so I could be who people expect me to be. My life was a farce. But with him, everything felt real.

I sighed. Maybe Kaidan was right to distrust me, because I have lied to him once.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Dr. Chakwas gave me a warm smile. I pulled her into a tight hug. I glad to see her, and I sure needed it at that moment. "My poor dear," she murmured. "We managed to stop the bleeding, control the swelling for the moment and close the wound. Miraculously, his implant is still intact. But…he's in deep coma. For now, he has to be monitored. No one can really be sure if he'll ever wake up. He's in the recovery room, but Dr. Michel has just given you access."

It's been months since I last saw her. I wanted to ask how she was, and what she was doing at Huerta, but before I even managed to open my mouth, she sent the room number to my omni-tool. "Go, Commander. He needs you. I'll see you later."

I made a mental note to find and thank Dr. Michel later, especially more so since I haven't visited her since Kaidan, Garrus, Ashley and I found her in the wards.

The recovery room wasn't far. I had to change into more sterile robes and wear nets and gloves to be allowed inside. That meant that I couldn't touch him, but at least it got me near him.

The room was small. There were machines all around him, some of which were plugged in different parts of his head. I could barely see his face with all the tubes, the mask and some bandages. It was difficult to see.

I sat on the stool beside him, and started talking.

"Hey, uh…people say that people can hear you when they're sleeping. I'm not even sure if that real or if that's something that some people tell to make it easier—you know for the person who's awake, the one who's watching and waiting. But in case it's true, then you will need to get up there and let me know, okay?"

I looked around. The doctors and nurses were kind enough to leave us alone, though I was sure that they were monitoring his vital signs somewhere.

"Since for some odd reason I am usually get tongue-tied whenever I am with you and since they don't allow datapads in here, I memorized a list. Five reasons why you shouldn't die. From the most important to the least important."

I cleared my throat, and tried to make sound a little bit more cheerful.

"One: I need another biotic in my team. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but Liara has been working hard, and she could sure use a break or two. And I need to practice with, you know, the best."

"Two: You're a good soldier, and a great asset to the war. And that's not just because of your biotics."

"Three: Joker misses picking on you."

"Four: In case you meet Ash somewhere, she would be disappointed to find out that you gave up too early."

"And five…which is probably not important, but I really should say it…"

I paused, and my voice dropped to a whisper.

"I love you."

At that point, I found myself fighting back my tears. It was the first time that I managed to say it out loud to him, and he was never going to hear it.

"Please come back, because I need you."

A knock was heard on the door. A nurse came in a few seconds later. "Excuse me, Commander, but the Council is meeting in twenty minutes."

There was nothing I wanted more than to stay with him, but I was needed somewhere else. So I left, even though everything around me seemed to carry me back to him.

A/N: Aida is an Infiltrator. In my first plot plan for Eulogy, she was supposed to be just that. However, once, when I was playing ME2 I noticed the bonus powers. My favorite bonus power was "Reave." Suddenly, a plot bunny came and I couldn't get it out of my head. I hope it wasn't too much.

I didn't find the ME3 hospital procedures realistic, so I tweaked it a bit.