Chapter 6
For a brief moment, everything had gone white. As her vision cleared, Asuka had expected too… Well, she wasn't sure what to expect, but it wasn't finding herself in the same dark void that was beginning to feel like a home away from home, at least as far as her dreams were concerned. The cloaked idiot, as she had dubbed him, floated in his usual spot. The only difference was a graphic that seemed to be etched into the fabric of the very void itself, a graphic of a human brain. Dotting the diagram were several dots of varying size and color. "My, how subtle... I take it this is supposed to be my brain?"
"None other… Think of this diagram as a map to your mind. The seven dots represent traumatic events, memories, or in some cases, life-altering events that led to your mind ending up in the fractured state you find it today. The size of each dot signifies the significance said event has impacted your psyche."
Asuka's eyes were drawn to the largest of the blemishes on that beautiful brain. Twice the size of any of the other's, it was purple and nestled in the farthest corner of her mind, literally. Frowning slightly, she had a feeling she knew what this blip represented. "That big purple one is the dummkopf isn't it?"
The cloaked figure's eyes twinkled slightly as if amused by her assertion. "Interesting… A child who discovered her mother after her suicide and later in life had her mind raped by an otherworldly being, and yet your first guess is the meek quiet boy you claim to despise?
Asuka turned her head clearly agitated, and grumbled through gnashed teeth. "It was just a guess! The dork's Eva is purple, so I don't know… Don't read stuff into it! Though, that idiot has been a colossal pain in my ass since the day I met him… He'd have to be pretty high on the list of things that have driven me the brink of insanity…"
"Really… How so?" the figure asked, seeking to test Asuka's willingness to express herself honestly as to satisfy their agreement. To his surprise, no shock really, he got a bitterly honest answer.
"In more ways than I count…" she sighed, staring off at something in the distance that didn't seem to be there. The cloaked figure smirked.
"It is time… Let's begin here…" To Asuka's frustration, the cloaked idiot didn't specify where here was, and by the time she got the opportunity to ask for him to elaborate, the scenery suddenly shifted. No longer was she alone with the cloaked idiot in that void of time and space, but in front of a century old brick elementary school. Asuka recognized where she was almost instantly. "Wolfgang Strauss Elementary… This is my old grade school."
Asuka smirked sadly as the memories of this place flooded back to her. She wished she could say that they were fond memories, but sadly most weren't. Naturally, Asuka Langley was the hotshot of the grade school halls. She was a straight A student and two years younger than most of her classmates. Asuka wasn't shy about shouting her capabilities to the rooftops either and that attitude never quite helped sooth either the tension or resentment building for her within the hearts of her older classmates. This made school all the more difficult for a girl who already struggled in any situation that involved relating to other people. So, despite carrying the mantel of the popular girl and playing that image of herself up to arguably unnecessary degrees, friends were still few and very far between during her school years rendering her social life virtually non-existent.
No, there was sadly little from her original school years in Germany that Asuka cared to remember, which was all the more reason for her little trip down memory lane to start here, she reasoned. Asuka soon caught a glimpse of her grade school-self exiting the school, alone of course, head propped up smugly like a prize pony trotting out of the stable. Bravado aside, even back then, Asuka was somewhat aware that many of her classmates didn't hold Asuka in as high regard as Asuka tried to hold herself. Asuka watched as her younger self overheard the snickers and whispers of several girls from her class, all several years older than she. It dawned on Asuka exactly what memory they were looking at, as she could almost recite the flashback word for word.
"Was it just me, or did Langley seem extra obnoxious today…" said a blonde girl who appeared to be the leader of the group. She was booked-ended by two darker haired girls, one with short-hair one with long. Oddly enough, their faces looked the exact same, likely because Asuka socialized so little with her classmates at that time that their faces all ran together. As for their names well… No way Asuka would've bothered holding on to a trivial piece of information like that for people, quite frankly, not worth the effort to remember… If you exclude the fact that the blonde's jaw would be wired shut for about a month following the exchange these three simpletons were about to have with the young prodigy.
"Langley? I thought her last name was Zorro, or Sorya, or something like that," said the girl with short-dark hair, who seemed to lean heavily towards the ditzy side.
The blonde shrugged. "Some foreign thing… Chinese or some sort of Asian. Her father's not from here either, he's from America! She's barely even German!"
"What's she doing here then?"
"Well, what I heard was that her father worked for one of those weird post Second Impact companies that was doing some kind of job in Germany. While he was here, he got some big-shot's daughter pregnant and was basically forced into marrying her. Long story short, now we have to deal with a spoiled pain-in-the-ass because of it!"
"Hey, didn't her mom kill herself because her dad was like, cheating on her with a bunch of different women?"
"Something like that… It's funny isn't it? She tries to act all high, mighty, and superior to everyone, when in reality, her family is like a screwed up second-rate soap opera!"
"You can't really blame her mother though…" The blonde smirked evilly. "If I had to come home to that obnoxious spoiled demon every night, I probably would've hung myself too!"
All three girls began to laugh gleefully, though the two darker haired girls stopped when they took notice of the short red-head now standing behind them gritting her teeth. They couldn't tell if she was about to cry, or go completely ballistic on them. The two girls informed the blonde of Asuka's presence. She did seem sheepish for all of a second before a devious smile formed over her lips.
"My, my, speak of the red-devil… It's little Asuka." The red-headed girl said nothing, as her grip on her bookcase tightened to the point she nearly sent the leather on the handle into oblivion. "What's the matter? You gona cry like a little kindergartner?"
"Mama…"
"What was that?" the blonde asked, as she walked towards Asuka, leaning down so to place her cupped ear in front of the shorter girl's mouth. "Crying for your dead mama? I've got news for you Red, she's not coming! Remember, she killed herself so she wouldn't have to put up with a spoiled little twerp like you! Hey, when you think about it, it's practically your fault that she's dead."
The blonde's two friends had backed away by this point, seemingly wanting nothing to do with6 the confrontation the blonde was initiating. Poking fun at their younger overachieving classmate behind her back was one thing, but throwing her mother's suicide right into Asuka's face was something else entirely.
They would prove wise in giving them a wide berth. Asuka's head rose, tears staining a face that somehow still burned with an unbridled rage that many a person would come to fear over the years. This poor fool would be the first to experience the wrath of a scorned Asuka. "My mama loved me… Don't you talk about my Mama!"
Asuka's bookcase finally separated from the handle, as said case smashed against the blonde girl's skull. She hit the ground and before she knew what hit her, literally, Asuka was straddled atop of her, raining punch after punch onto her soon to be mangled face. There wasn't much power behind the young girl's frail arms, but the blows were quick and numerous enough that the adrenaline that spurred on the onslaught took its toll. Blood poured from her broken nose, and more than one tooth was liberated from the blonde's gums, how many Asuka could not remember. Despite being considerably larger that Asuka, the blonde was unable to pry Asuka off of her and could only cry for help as her terrified friends and other young onlookers watched on. If a teacher hadn't happened by to pull the flailing red-head off her victim, there's no telling what degree of damage Asuka might've inflicted on her.
Asuka lost interest in the memory by this point, now staring blankly at one of the many brick walls that comprised the school. The cloaked figure took note, curious as to what she was so deep in thought about. "Does this image trouble you? Do you regret your actions that day?"
"Hell no!" Asuka snorted with true confidence. "Blonde bitch deserved what she got… The only thing I regret is not getting a couple of good kicks in while I was being pulled off of her."
"I see." If not for that same all-consuming grin he wore on that face, Asuka might've almost swore he chuckled at this. "Tell me what happened after your little outburst."
Asuka shrugged her shoulders. "Got suspended for a couple of weeks… The principal wanted to expel me, but dear old dad pulled some strings and I got to stay in school, whoopee! Not that it surprises me he did that. It was the best boarding school in Germany after all, and if I got kicked out, he might actually have had to try his hand at raising me himself! Not to mention disgracing his precious family name and all."
"Did you get into fights often after this?"
Asuka shook her head. "Nope, that was the only real fight I'd been in… I kind of garnered a reputation after that, so nobody messed with me after that day."
"Indeed… And tell me, did having this reputation make you proud?"
Asuka paused a moment having to think this question over. "Yes and no… I don't know. It was good that everyone left me alone after that… Man, did they ever leave me alone…" Her eyes got sad and distant as she said this. The cloaked figure wasn't quite ready to let up however.
"There is one thing I would like to ask you. Why exactly did what that girl said cause you to react so violently?"
Asuka glared at the man as if he'd just suddenly transformed into a giant floating donkey. "Are you stupid?! Why the hell do you think I was upset?!"
"Aside from the obvious I mean. As you recall, I require complete and total honesty from you. If you do not wish to comply, please let me know now so we can both stop wasting our time."
The smirk never left his face. Asuka wasn't sure what pissed her off more, his smugness, or the fact that, if she were a man, then this character would have her by her figurative balls. Gnashing her teeth, she snorted stubbornly as she stared ahead. "Obviously, you're well aware of the other reason, so what good is forcing me to answer your question going to do?!"
"Well, don't look at it as answering me so much as admitting what you were feeling that day to yourself. Rather than hide that answer behind that mask of rage you wear so splendidly."
"What the hell are you?..." Asuka growled, eyeing the cloaked idiot in disbelief. "My subconscious or a psychiatrist?!" Asuka stuck her nose high in the air, and put some distance between her and this enigma that was guiding her through her memories, all while annoying the holy hell out of her in the process. Not too much though, so that he wouldn't think she was quitting on him. Despite the long silence that followed, the cloaked man gave no indication he felt this way. When Asuka deemed herself ready, she released a long sigh before picking at a very old scab. "That girl… What she said upset me so much because… Because I felt what she said was true! For years I blamed myself for my mother's death… That having to raise me was too much of a burden on her, so she replaced me with a damn doll… Something that she could control, something that could never disappoint her! I wasn't good enough for her… Even when dad cheated, and her colleagues shunned her, and Eva nearly killed her, I wasn't enough of a reason for her to go on living... What kind of horrible daughter must I have been if I wasn't enough reason for her not to take her own life?... Nothing has every made me feel more worthless… I fought the feeling, tried to bury it, and on that day, that girl had to open her mouth like my worthlessness was so apparent that the entire world could see it… She shattered the false reality I'd tried so hard to shield myself with, and she had to pay for it… And to answer you're next question, no I still don't regret it! If I had to do it again, I would pound her face in every time, 100 percent!"
Streaks of recently shed tears covered her face, yet it was hard to tell she'd been crying if you judged by the stern determined look on her face. She glared at the cloaked man as if to dare him to say this answer wasn't honest enough. He just smirked that smug smile that Asuka wished she could slap right off his stupid dumb-ass face. "Interesting… You bear so much guilt for a tragedy that you couldn't possibly be at fault for… I don't believe I gave you enough credit after our first meeting Asuka Langley.
"Can you even say it wasn't my fault?" she snapped, her heart still heavy.
"Your mother was already mentally ill, even before the accident during the Evangelion project completely shattered her grip on reality. Even if you had never been born, her descent into madness was inevitable."
"But I was there… And she didn't love me enough not to string herself up by the neck… Along with that damn doll she replaced me with!"
"Hmm… Perhaps you might be misinterpreting the meaning of that doll your mother doted over…"
Asuka's head snapped around violently. "How so Mr. Head-Shrinker?!"
"You seem convinced that your mother replaced you with that doll because she no longer cared for you… More likely it was the other way around. I'm certain your mother realized she could no longer take proper care of you with her deteriorating mental state. Her method of coping with this was to treat a stuffed child's toy as if it were her own daughter… Someone she couldn't disappoint. Someone who wouldn't look at her with pity and sorrow in their eyes as her mind slowly slipped into the abyss…"
"That's… That's ridiculous," Asuka spat. In all honestly she'd been at a complete loss as how to respond to that.
"No more ridiculous than your theory, but there's little point in splitting hairs… Let's move on, shall we? You said that your father pulled some strings to keep you in school did he? At least that's something rather kind he did for you…"
"That man has never done a damn thing for me out of the kindness of his heart! None of my so-called family has ever been there for me! You know what my father said to me after my near expulsion? Nothing, that's what! No father-daughter talk so I could explain my side of the story… No phone call to even reprimand me for the way I was behaving! The only peep I heard from those people way a very brief visit from my step-mother to let me know what a disappointment I was to her! Like I'd give a damn if I disappointed that home-wrecking skank bitch!..." Asuka's anger faded and her voice grew soft. "Right after the fight I… All I wanted was for someone to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay… To take my side or at least listen to my side of the story… I never got any support from anyone … I learned young that the only person I could rely on was myself! You can't even rely on your so called family and friends to be there for you unless it's convenient for them. When you need them the most, you turn around and discover they're nowhere to be found!"
"This is true… You have been done a disservice by those you should be able lean on when the burdens of this world threatened to nudge you off that proverbial cliff. I can see why you would choose to shut the world out. It never offered you much after all. That being said though, you would soon learn to trust again wouldn't you?"
"You mean Kaji?" Asuka whispered, a sad smile crossing her face.
"No before that. There was one other you would grow close too before you came into Kaji's care did you not?"
Asuka's eyes widened in horror, knowing exactly where the hooded man was going, and that was a memory long forgotten and better left buried. "No… Please not him…"
The cloaked figure's response was his smirk as the backdrop suddenly changed from a grade school, to a lazy German suburb. Asuka found herself standing in front of an old-fashioned ice cream shop she frequented during her first run through high school. When she started high school, she fled the prestigious walls of her boarding school near her place of birth, for the countryside down east of Munich. Much like Tokyo-3 was married to NERV, the 3rd branch was just as influential in her hometown. This meant that her mother's decent into madness, and her father's scandalous affair were well known and documented in all the city tabloids. The quiet town of Bedburg provided somewhat of a safe haven. People there were well aware of for whom she worked for, and many had heard rumors and gossip but few ever tried or even cared to link Asuka to those stories. It was a chance to escape all the pressures from home, get a fresh start… And to alienate an entirely new group of people, a task she succeeded in with gusto. She'd learned some hard lessons during her time in boarding school, and whether or not those insights she received positively affected her, well that was highly debatable. She was in high school at this point and somehow even younger than her classmates than she had ever been before. She walked into that school the exact same way she'd walk into the boarding school. Her nose stuck up in the air, with a superiority complex that would cripple Charles Manson's under the sheer weight of its ferocity. Obliviously, this made her few friends at school, or around Bedburg. Asuka was at least prepared to be shunned this time around. She'd convinced herself long before she transferred that everyone in her new school would immediately be jealous of her greatness and hateful towards her because of it. She was an Eva Pilot after all, and by then, had developed her well-stated opinion that everyone else around her was inferior to her because of it. These peons trolling the hallways of the school like a bunch of hormone-raging ogres worried about petty things like if Klaus from the Soccer team was going to ask Gretchen out, or if there daddies were going to let them borrow his car that weekend. Hello, she was trying to save the world here! What did you do on your summer vacation? These imbeciles didn't deserve to breathe the same air as she, let alone share a classroom with her.
There was one boy at that educational institution, however, who seemed to look deeper into the soul of that little ball of spite and bile, and found the scared little girl she really was. His name was Yohan, and he was the only person in that infernal hormone factory of an educational institution Asuka considered worthy of associating with. He was seventeen and treated Asuka like a little sister, and the sentiment was returned in true Asuka fashion, meaning she was uncomfortably direct and borderline overbearing... Asuka had even developed a small crush on him, though nothing serious, as she wasn't even a teen yet. Certainly nowhere near Kaji levels of infatuation, but he was someone Asuka had dared herself to trust. Someone she began to open up to, and share some of her darker secrets with… And damn it, if wouldn't turn out to be someone that would make it close to impossible to trust anyone with those secrets ever again.
Asuka remembered this day; it was still painfully fresh in her memory. This ice-cream shop was infamous to her now. It's the day she found out the truth about her so-called friend. It wasn't long before she noticed her high-school self, first go-around anyway, who just happened to be passing by when the fore mentioned Yohan spilled out of the ice cream shop with several of his friends in tow. As he caught her eye, the younger version of Asuka enthusiastically greeted her friend. The young man on the other side of that greeting didn't seem to return her enthusiasm. In fact, he noticeably cringed at the sound of Asuka's voice, and his frown strengthened as his friends snickered at this back.
"Look Yohan, it's your girlfriend," one of the friends snickered. "Didn't you guys have a tea party for your first date?"
Another of Yohan's buddies, who wasn't nearly as amused as the other guy, grumbled into Yohan's ear. "What is the freak doing here? I thought you were going to tell her to buzz off?"
"I hadn't gotten around to it yet!" he grumbled, soft enough that only the three of them could hear. "It's not like I invited her here!"
"Yohan? What's going on?" Asuka asked, concerned by the chilly reception she was getting. "You don't seem happy to see me."
"Why should I be happy to see you?" Yohan didn't seem to want to make eye contact with the redhead at first, but eventually managed to focus his eyes on Asuka trying his best to look stern. "Have you been following me again?"
"Following you?!" Asuka sound confused, and a little angry. "Of course not! Why are you acting so agitated, all I said was hello! We are friends after all aren't we?"
"I know you…" he said with some hesitation, though this did little to slow the plunge of the knife deep into her chest. "Look, I felt sorry for you because of the way some of the other kids were treating you, so I stood up for. That wasn't an invitation for you to be clinging to my backside all the time. You're still just a kid…"
"I'm not being clingy! I just thought…"
Asuka was interrupted by one of Yohan's friends who apparently decided Yohan wasn't being blunt enough. "What Yohan is trying to say, is for you to get lost brat!"
"Yeah, go play with your dolls or something…" both boys paused and looked at one another in mock realization, soon replaced by cruel smiles. "Oh that's right! Little Asuka doesn't like dolls does she?"
"You two shut up!" Yohan snarled, but the damage had been done. Horrified, Asuka took a step back as she struggled to catch her breath.
"Yohan… What did you tell them?!"
Yohan declined to answer, instead attempting to look indifferent though slightly red and refusing to make eye contact with the heartbroken red-head. His two companions, on the other hand, were more than willing to run their mouths. "Enough to understand why you're such a screwed up little brat! Walking in on your mother after she hung herself… That's fucked up."
"Yohan!" Asuka chocked on his name. "How could you tell them?! That was a secret between me and you!"
"I never agreed to keep it a secret," he argued, finally regaining his ability to speak it seemed. "I never even agreed to hear it, you just starting yakking about it. You can't be mad at me for sharing it with my friends. If you didn't want people to know, you should've kept your mouth shut!"
"You… You bastard!"
Yohan didn't seem to have a comeback, and it was lucky for him that Asuka couldn't find anything within arm's reach to use as a projectile. Her face contorted, soured by a now all too familiar cocktail of emotions that had shaped her personality. Shame, betrayal, a strong sense of inferiority, and just plain old reliable hate. If this had happened a few years down the road, Asuka would've launched a verbal, and likely physical, assault that would've driven this poor fool six feet into the ground. On this day though, she was a heartbroken little girl who'd just had her heart stomped on by the one person she'd allowed herself to get close enough too to trust. Trust was something that would soon become nearly impossible for her to show towards anyone even to the present day.
"My, he sure turned out to be quite the charmer…" The cloaked figure had expected an angry retort, but was surprised to instead find Asuka sitting on the ground with her face concealed by her knees. His lips pursed curiously and he could only wager a guess at the reason for her reaction… It was a really good one. "He meant something to you didn't he?"
Asuka's reply was not immediate. She lifted her face off of her legs, and wiped her face with her forearm. "Depends on what you mean by that?"
"The question was quite direct… Now, what did he mean to you? Honesty if you recall…"
"Yeah, whatever!" She snorted as she scooted to her left as her back had been facing her tormentor. "He was a friend… One of the few I had back then. Yes, I did like him a little, but it wasn't remotely serious! I thought he was cute, and he was nice to me… Most people weren't nice to me back then, so it meant a lot…"
Asuka's train of thought screeched to a halt when she noticed the scene had changed. She was now sitting in the bedroom of her boarding house, her legs swinging as they dangled from the bed, much like the school girl she was. Yohan sat next to her listening to her intently, a small sad smile on his face. His smile didn't appear to be forced in the least, but still appeared oddly out of place on the boy's face. The cloaked figured noted this with curiosity as that smile was eerily similar to someone else Asuka knew well. As he pondered this, he turned to Asuka who had again curled into a ball, refusing to even look at the scene laid out in front of her. She remembered this conversation… While the image provided no dialogue, Asuka needed it not, as she had previously committed most of the events of that evening to memory. This was the day when she had poured her heart out to someone she thought cared for her… Someone she could trust with a past that continued to haunt her. That poor naïve girl had no idea she was entrusting her innermost secrets to a snake that would pretty much wipe his hind-end with that trust and utterly destroy her faith in people for years to come.
"Why are you digging these memories back up?..." Asuka's voice cracked. Clearly she was now sobbing. "Are you getting a kick out of tormenting me?!"
"I'm doing no such thing… I was merely curious about this young Yohan…" The cloaked figure studied the young man carefully. "Tell me, what was it about this boy that endeared him to you?"
Asuka snorted prepared to claim he was nothing to her at all and lament about how much of a two-faced maggot he turned out to be, but common sense stopped her. She was smart enough to have picked up on the basic rules of this game the cloaked baka was playing. He didn't want to know how she felt about him now after learning how much of a creep Yohan really was, but rather what she saw in him before this distorted view of him crumbled to dust and scattered to the winds. "He was… He was different. He was kind to me and even a little shy really… He was a boarder like me, so he was away from home and disconnected from his family too. He didn't look down on me like a lot of our classmates… He made me feel like somebody actually cared about me and what I had to say… That was something I really needed back then, so yes he meant a lot to me at the time. Not really in a romantic way, but more like an older brother that's always looking out for you… Then I find out he's a thin-skinned worm who couldn't take the blow his reputation took from befriending me, so he turned his back on me! I probably could've lived with that if he had left well enough alone, but he didn't do that. He didn't just turn his back on me, he betrayed me! He took every secret, every piece of my soul that I offered to him, and used them to nearly destroy me! Life was hell at that school after that. I went from being the bitchy wunderkind to the Eva freak who went crazy after walking in on her mother hanging herself! And all because he couldn't take a little teasing from his friends?! I meant so little to him that he was willing to utterly destroy me in order to save face with those losers!"
"Interesting…" he mouthed though the way he was eyeing Yohan, Asuka couldn't tell if he was referring to the boy or what she had just said. "That wistful expression on his face… He quite does remind me of someone, but I just can't put my finger on it…"
Asuka had turned red. She turned her head and snorted angrily. "Don't talk stupid! I know what you're getting at… You're trying to say that Yohan reminds you of the baka right?!"
"I didn't say that," he smirked coyly. "There are similarities in the facial features now that you mention it… Especially in that melancholy almost forced looking smile... Like he's grinning straight through the weight of the world resting squarely on his shoulders. Could this possibly be one of the reasons you're so resentful of Shinji? Because he reminds you of someone you dared to trust, yet violated that trust so maliciously?"
Asuka blanched before shaking her head vehemently though her companion could tell the red-head's actions were not merely a wordless denial. It was more a sign of her frustrated submission that this guy seemed all too aware of every dark little secret of Asuka's, that she thought she had left dead and buried. The cloaked figure wondered if Asuka fully grasped that he was merely a figment of her sub-consciousness, specifically representing the parts of herself and memories that were less than pleasant. Goodness did she have a lot of those. The cloaked figure gave Asuka ample time to articulate a response, but the long silence that followed eventually got to him. "Well? Was I close?"
Asuka shook her head yet again. "No!... I mean yes… I mean, I don't know! Yes, Shinji does remind me of Yohan, a little bit?... Yohan wasn't nearly as much of a wimp as Shinji, and he was better looking but… Still…"
A short paused ensued until he urged her to continue. "Go on…"
"It's hard to put into words but… Shinji is different. He's more real if that makes any sense… When he says something prudent or makes a promise, I can tell he's being sincere… He doesn't open up much, like me, but when he does, I feel he's being honest in here…" Asuka pounds on her chest to illustrate her point. "It's every other part of my being that's the problem, as they scream at me that nothing but lies are coming out of Shinji's mouth and he's going to end up hurting me just like everyone else has that I've ever let get close to me! After all, I used to think all those same things about Yohan, and you saw what kind of creep he turned out to be. In a lot of ways Shinji is just like him…"
"Yes, but he's not Yohan… He is Shinji Ikari, an individual entity all to himself and by no means fated to repeat the sins of his predecessor regardless of how many menial similarities they might share."
"I know that!" She snorted stubbornly. "Believe it or not though, I barely even think about that. Of course I noticed the similarities, but I don't think of or see Yohan when I look at Shinji… All I see is a boy getting dangerously close to touching a part of me I haven't allowed anyone to get near in years… Even if Shinji reminded me nothing of Yohan, I'd be just as confused, and frustrated by him as I am now…"
"Excellent points… Simply accepting the fact that you're confused about these feelings instead of simply denying they exist is a step in the right direction. If you truly wish to heal and better yourself, you first have to want to accomplish these things."
"I'm here listening to your dribble aren't I?! Isn't that proof enough that I'm willing to try?!"
"I'm not the one you need to convince dear Asuka… In reality it's yourself you're fighting with. Opening up honestly to me is one thing, but applying these lessons in the real world is an entirely different matter, and a task that will be extraordinarily difficult for you."
"So, you're saying all this gabbing and sightseeing through my most bitter memories has been a colossal waste of my time then?"
"Not at all… I'm merely reminding you that change will not happen overnight... As well as remind you that, as difficult as it is for you to speak on a personal level with me, merely a representative of your own subconscious, it's going to be that much more difficult to apply what you learn with me in the real world. Before today, even squeezing the information I have out of you was thought to be impossible. Baby steps in the right direction are par for the course when it comes to healing. Remember though, if you don't apply what you learn here today in the real world, then our little excursion will definitely be a waste of time."
Asuka sat in annoyed silence, having heard nothing she didn't already know, but fought off the urge to respond with an emphatic 'duh'. She may have if this wasn't exactly what she had expected him to say, and she wasn't the least bit sure why it irritated her so much. She supposed she must've imagined that hearing those words from another pair of lips would put them in a unique less jumbled perspective. She was dead wrong on that front. "You look all smug and sure of your message while your gums are flapping, like everything you say is so obvious and simple, and yet like some soapbox preacher hurling fire and brimstone at everyone within earshot, you seem to neglect or just plain don't care to understand the inner workings of your audience. You make all of this sound so easy, as if any dullard could see and overcome it. Apparently you forget who I am! It's just not as simple as pretending I've never been hurt before in my life, about my mother, or that other asshole who pretty much set my social life back another twenty years!... Do you really think anything you've told me tonight is news to me? If I wasn't aware of how messed up I was, then I certainly wouldn't be here talking… To whatever the hell you are! Maybe this mess I'm in is a sign that I've already lost my mind... This world here with you has become my reality and the world outside this place is nothing but a hallucination…"
"Oh my, that's quite deep. Let's be careful not to break the fourth wall here Asuka Langley. We don't want you to start believing you're an anime character or anything of the like… Still, since you still seem to be struggling to understand me, let me try to explain it to you one more time. Of course you're already aware of everything I tell you. I was created from you, so all I do know is what you now…" The cloaked figure approached Asuka slowly, not menacingly at all, but seeing this floating apparition advancing on her still made her nervous… Especially now that he was right up in her face, forcing Asuka to step back to try and put some distance between them. With each word he spoke and each step back she took, he still seemed to get closer and closer. "My presence here is to remind you of what needs to be done, to force you to face what needs to be overcome… It's my job to remind you of these things… I will not allow you to run, hide, or deny regardless of how painful these memories might be to you, or how pointless you might believe everything I tell you to be. To put it simply Asuka Langley, you created me as defense against yourself… I am everything you are, I know everything you know. I'm every bit as intelligent, every bit as confident, and every bit as stubborn as you… I won't allow you to continue burying yourself."
The cloaked figure stopped his advance, as he could judge from the look on her face that she understood. He was not ignorant to his accomplishment either. He'd just rendered Asuka Soryu speechless, and suddenly looking somewhat intimidated by him. That creepy smile of his had never once left his face as he spoke. "Now then, I'm glad that's settled. Now, let's not forget who you are. You are the great Asuka Langley Soryu, are you not? Capable of accomplishing anything she sets her mind to. Since when are you afraid of anything? I should be little more than another challenge for you to overcome. If you don't like what I'm saying, then by all means… Let's work on proving me wrong."
Silence lingered for several moments, before something happened the cloaked figure hadn't fully expected to see. He noticed Asuka's hand move as she flexed the appendage several times, a quark reminiscent of a certain young man they would frequently mention. The figure couldn't help but smile. "Ah, now that's determination in your eyes. That's the Asuka Langley I've been waiting to see."
Asuka smiled slightly at this, though only momentarily. "You're right… If I want to improve myself I have work at it… Obsess over it just like I did with School and Eva if I have too… I can't crawl into myself like that idiot Shinji, expecting that things will never get better… I can do anything I put my mind to… This should be no different."
"Excellent," Asuka's monotone companion said as he floated next to her, almost sounding excited. "You've taken the first major step towards healing by showing you're serious in regards to improving yourself. Let's face facts, this wasn't always the case. Your anger and your arrogance have long been your shield from the pain you've convinced yourself comes hand-in-hand with getting close to other human beings." Asuka said nothing, which was all the hooded figure needed to not hear to know he was right. "I want you to do two things for me when you wake up in the morning Asuka."
Asuka looked to him expectantly, not uttering a word. "First, I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're not responsible for your mother's suicide. She took her own life because her mental illness made life too much for her to bear, not because of any lack of affection she had for you." Asuka looked aghast by this suggestion but nodded affirmatively anyway. "Do so every morning as necessary until you're able do so without it sounding like a lie. If you want to kill a troublesome weed, you go for its roots. Secondly, whenever you look at Shinji for that next several days I want you to tell yourself that he's not Yohan, and he doesn't deserve to have to pay for Yohan's sins. I know these aren't easy tasks, but we both know easy was never part of this equation."
"It'll be fine… Like you said, I am Asuka Langley Soryu after all."
"Let's hope you live up to your reputation… Or down to it? I'm not quite sure on that point, oh well… Good luck to you Asuka."
Asuka stared back at him confused, wondering why he seemed like he was saying goodbye. That's when she heard a familiar voice calling her name. "Asuka!"
Asuka awoke with a start, like she'd just been dragged out of bed by her ankles and then drug around the room a couple of times before getting slammed into the wall. She forced her eyes open and gradually the blurry image of a concerned looking Shinji stared back at her. Stuck in a majorly thick fog from her over indulgence of sleeping pills the night before, it took Asuka a few moments to process the information assaulting her heavy retinas. Shinji… My room… What the fuck?! "Third?!... What the hell are you doing in my room?!"
"Oh, thank goodness!" Shinji sighed in relief, seeming to not even hear what Asuka had just asked if not just ignoring it entirely. It would've irritated Asuka if she still wasn't so blasted sleepy. "You're awake! You had us scared half to death!"
"You haven't answered my question Third…" Asuka grumbled sleepily. "Why the hell are you in my room?! You better not have taken advantage of me while I slept perv!"
Again, Shinji seemed to ignore his deeply ingrained instincts to cower in fear, perhaps forgetting he'd been lingering in the bedroom of someone with the morning disposition of a pissed off honey badger. Shinji smiled, slightly teary-eyed, almost unnoticeable really, and clearly relieved. Whether the redhead was simply shocked that this human doormat wasn't sniveling at her feet, or was just too damn sleepy to care, Asuka decided to spare Shinji's life despite the intrusion. "I'm sorry… You wouldn't wake up for anything this morning… I was checking up on you when I saw you stir and… Now you're awake… Yeah."
Asuka paused, recalling the sleeping pills she'd taken the night before which led her to remember the events of her dream the night before. She sat their quietly for quite some time, Shinji silently watching her with a new wave of concern washing over him. Asuka's eyes suddenly lit up, breaking free of her trance. "What time is it?"
Shinji was hesitant. "A little after 11:00…"
"11:00! Damn, I really did overdo the dosage…" Asuka palmed her head bore her glare returned to the Third Child. It would seem that every question she'd got answered would lead her to another question. "Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be in school?"
"Well yeah but… Misato had already gone to NERV this morning, and not knowing what was wrong, I didn't want to leave you here by yourself…"
Asuka's eyes widened as she stares at the boy. "Idiot…" she says softly as she turns her head not wanting Shinji to see the rapidly forming blush spreading across her face. "I took one sleeping pill too many last night, and had trouble waking up, that's all… It's not like I was hurt or sick or anything that would require you to look after me… Nothing you had to miss school over anyway…"
"I didn't know that at the time… I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I just left you here and something really was wrong with you. If one day of school is what it costs to have peace of mind, then I'm okay with that…"
Shinji stared at the floor shyly as Asuka's eyes again bore into him, seemingly in an attempt to burn a hole through his skin and burrow inside. Asuka looked into Shinji's eyes… Sad but caring eyes that held no deceit, only genuine concern for a girl he had every right to hate and probably should. Those eyes were so familiar… So comforting and so reminiscent of a past that had taught her that eyes like that told nothing but lies. Eyes were nothing but tools used by men to try and pry the very heart and soul out of any woman unfortunate enough to fall under their spell. An angry snarl curled over Asuka's lips. Sensing Asuka's demeanor towards him was deteriorating rapidly, Shinji began slowly backpedaling towards the door. He braced himself for the unholy torrent of flames and bile about to be hurled in his direction, but something held her back. With a grimace the likes Shinji had never seen on her face, she clutched at her bed-sheets instead of Shinji's neck. She completely ignored Shinji's concerned questioning stare, keeping her entire focus on maintaining her composure. "Remember Asuka… He's not Yohan! He's not Yohan! Shinji may have his smile, but he's not like that creep! He's not here to do anything perverted, he was just worried about you… That's a good thing right?"
"Asuka?" Shinji asked expectantly as if noticing Asuka finally remembered he was in the room with her.
"There's no reason to worry about me you idiot…" she finally said with virtually no edge to her favorite insult. "Now get out. I'm still not totally awake yet…."
"Right… I'll leave you be then. I need to call Misato and let her know you're okay anyway." Shinji hurriedly left the room, but stopped in the doorway, looking back to ask a quick question. "Hey, are you hungry? It's too late for breakfast, but if you want I could make you…"
Shinji was interrupted by a loud snore. Asuka's face was reburied in her pillow and she was sound asleep. A small smiled tugged at his lips but he had to ask himself. "How many sleeping pills did she take?"
Shinji headed straight for the kitchen, deciding to go ahead and whip up something so Asuka would have something at the ready to eat for whenever she did wake up and decide she was hungry. He didn't have any special or ulterior reason for doing so either. He wasn't trying to stay on her good side, he wasn't expecting gratitude, nor was he afraid she'd be angry if she did wake up expecting to find something to eat. He just felt like doing it, a thought that only occurred to him in passing half way through the process. He shrugged his shoulders, before reaching to open one of the utensil drawers to retrieve one of the tools needed to complete Asuka's lunch. He found said utensil and something else he never would've thought he'd ever find there. He removed the black rectangular object from the drawer along with the accessory that was typically attached to it.
"What's my STADT player doing in the utensil drawer?" He asked to apparently any wandering ghost or spirit that might just happen to passing through the Katsuragi kitchen at that given time. He had misplaced the device several days before, and after a good ransacking of Misato's apartment, had concluded he must've misplaced it somewhere outside of the apartment. He'd begun to fear he may never see that device again, something that at one time, was basically an extension of his body. In fact, he was fairly sure he'd checked that very drawer. With another shrug, he stuffed the STADT into his pocket and shifted his attention back to Asuka's lunch.
Shinji stared blankly at his STADT player. For the life of him, he wasn't sure anymore why he even kept the thing around. Yes, this simple device provided a barrier between him and the world for so long, though it was every bit as important to him because it once belonged to his father… It was the one piece of either of his parents he had left to cling too after his mother died and his father abandoned him soon after. Shinji's attitude towards his father had soured drastically since Third Impact. He'd gone from desperately longing to gain Gendo's approval and love, to feeling abject hatred for the man and everything Gendo Ikari stood for. What that man put his own child through just to make his own delusions a reality… Like his mother would want anything to do with Gendo after what he'd done to her only son.
Since that time, Shinji would've loved nothing more than to eliminate that man entirely from his memory, and here lately, this object that at one time was his most precious possession, began to represent Gendo more than it did the shield from the outside world he so often used it as. Yet, when he thought he'd lost that device, it felt like he'd lost a piece of himself, and to some small degree that disgusted him. Oddly enough though, the world didn't end in its absence… Nor did he feel any great relief now that the object was within the grasp of his hand once again. This thing that made him feel whole once again, and yet so utterly empty inside at the same time. Maybe he should've pretended he never lost the damn thing and simply should've forced himself to move on without it. It would've been like cutting off his hand, though it was a hand that had been possessed by a demon and was now trying to kill you, so you were just justified in severing said appendage from your body. Kind of like that guy from that movie, who instead of bitching about losing said hand, simply replaced it with a kick-ass new chainsaw hand.
What did this STADT player mean to him now? He was utterly confused about that, and whenever he couldn't make sense of things he did the only thing her knew to do. He stuffed his ear buds in his ears, and hit play. Damn it… The cycle continues.
The familiar works of Beethoven and Bach were not what greeted him as the tape started to role. It was something else entirely… A voice from the past, and hearing it nearly made Shinji jump out of his skin. "Hello Shinji… This is not a prank, nor a hoax. It really is me… Kaji…"
Shinji had already gathered that from the voice, but hearing him say his name… That just really hammered the nail home, through the wood, and straight into his hand. He started to sweat a bit as he clasped tightly onto the device. "I promise I'll explain everything in time, for now I need you to trust me and listen closely to what I have to say. Your life and those of everyone you hold dear, hang on what I'm about to tell you. I must also ask you not to tell anyone that I've made contact with you. Not Misato, not Asuka not anyone… I was quite reluctant to get you involved, but the situation has devolved to a point that I had no choice. I needed someone inside NERV, and there's no one else I could think of that I would trust more to take this task to heart like you will Shinji…"
Shinji gulped, trying desperately to moisten his throat, but it just kept going dry. This was unbelievable! How did this tape wind up in his STADT player? Was he listening to the voice of a ghost? Was this a recording made by Kaji before had died, or was he still alive out there somewhere doing his weird ass James Bond shit that had gotten him killed in the first place? Most curiously of all, what could Kaji possibly be entrusting him with? All he could do was listen, and after a brief pause, Kaji continued. Shinji would later note that he likely had never heard Kaji sound as unsure of himself as he did on this recording.
"I'd like to begin by saying I'm sorry… For everything I'm sure the three of you must have gone through after my glorious death." Shinji noted the emptiness in Kaji's laugh. At least this answered one question. Kaji apparently was very much alive. "It was deemed a necessary step though. SELEE was determined to see me dead, so we gave them what they wanted. Being a ghost is actually quite advantageous to my line of work. There's no better spy than the one the enemy thinks is dead after all. As for my employer's objective, well it's nothing short of the total annihilation of the group known as SEELE. We've done a damn good job of it too… Only a handful of SEELE operatives remain, and the few that do have nowhere near the means or power to try and pull off something as grand as Instrumentally. That doesn't mean their incapable of causing problems though. If fact, one of their driving focuses right now is revenge… Revenge against those responsible for putting a halt to Instrumentally. You've probably already guessed that means yourself, Misato, and your fellow pilots. We're still in the dark concerning how they plan to extract their revenge, but we fear the day they act may be soon. We know they have at least one high ranking agent within NERV, which I'm not proud to say, we've been unable to identify at this point."
"I must apologize again for coming to you like this Shinji, but I'm on my knees begging you if you can imagine that… Ha, ha… My own superiors have no idea I've contacted you, and it's going to stay that way for now. I can't stand the thought of seeing you, Misato, or Asuka getting hurt and I knew your desire to protect them would be just as strong as mine… I can understand if you don't want to get involved, and that's fine. If that's how you feel, just pretend you never received this tape and I won't bother you again. If you decide to get involved, pay a visit to that western-style burger joint I took you and Asuka too shortly before… My accident and you'll find another tape with the information I've been able to gather. Again, I ask you not to tell anyone you've heard from me, you'll be putting their lives in danger if you do. I'm afraid I've already put your life at further risk but reaching out the way I have. Whatever you decide Shinji… Good luck, and God's speed."
The tape ended abruptly on that odd quote. Shinji had never pegged Kaji as the religious type, but then he had technically come back from the dead. Then again, maybe he was making too much out of a figure of speech. Shinji removed his ear buds and let them fall to the bed next his head as it fell to his pillow. Had he really heard what he'd just heard? Had Kaji really reached out from beyond the grave to warn Shinji that SEELE wanted to put him in one of his own? If everything Kaji said was true, vague as the information was, how could he not tell Asuka and Rei? Or Misato for that matter, they had the right to know. He wouldn't tell them though… Because Kaji had asked him not to, and he had Shinji pegged to a tee. Shinji removed the tape from the player, and examined it as if the outer casing held some sort of secret information Kaji neglected to provide on the recording itself. Shinji guessed there was really only one way to figure out what was going on. He needed to hear what was on that other tape.
There was purpose in each of Aeri Shuei's steps as she marched towards the place she called home. There was such a thing as going through the motions, and Aeri was the very picture of that expression as she walked up the steps to her apartment looking as if the rest of the world didn't exist, except for whatever just happened to reside in the small figurative bubble that surrounded her. She unlocked the door and upon entering, the first thing you would notice is how small the apartment is, small even by Japanese standards. The décor couldn't have been simpler, consisting of a couch and a coffee table. The tiny kitchen was even more barren than the sitting room. No television, no refrigerator, no stove, not even a bed or a futon. She rarely even used the couch. She didn't take visitors so she made no attempt whatsoever to even create the façade that this part of the apartment was even in use. Where Aeri spent most of her time was located beyond the door in the back of the sitting room. Beyond that door was a long staircase that led to the basement… This floor of the apartment was as equally unimpressive as the upstairs, but at least here you could find the basic necessities of life… Basic that was, if Aeri had been born in Europe in the 1500's… The basement unit consisted of one relatively large room. There was only one interior wall, a mirror and sink in one corner, a bed and a couple of wooden chairs. One section that was partially separated from the rest of the room by a single half slab of stone, looked suspiciously like some sort of primitive dungeon. More suspicious yet, was the presence of a young man seated in that section with his wrists bolted to the wall above his head. He was looking much too coy for a man in his position.
Aeri paid the young man no attention as she walked passed him and straight to the mirror. She examined herself in said mirror, finding herself increasingly disgusted by what she saw.
"I don't understand it…" she complained as she played with the skin just below her left eye. "My skin is flawless. My face is attractive but not glaringly so as to not intimidate anyone. My curves and body type are the right proportion in every key spot, and should please any young man. The shell I've created is flawless, so why is it that Shinji can still resist me?! Is his bond with the Second Child really that strong? All outward appearances would suggest this shouldn't be the case. I should be the ideal partner for Shinji Ikari, so how is it that he still prefers *her* to me!"
"That's the funny thing about the Lilin…" the voice of the imprisoned boy spoke, unsolicited. "Many of their bonds are weak and easily splintered, however some… Well, some are so strong that neither time nor circumstance can seem to overcome them."
"I was speaking to myself rhetorically," Aeri spat angrily. "I have no want or need for the counsel of a traitor!"
"My apologies," he said smugly. "I truly believed you were having trouble seeing the shortcomings of your little scheme, so I thought I'd enlighten you. If you wish though, I'll just sit here quietly and watch you fail."
"Fail?" Aeri snorted. "Oh, I will so enjoy disappointing you. I have no intention of failing… I will succeed were our brothers and sisters failed… I will not make the same mistake father made…"
"Mistake? Father?... Surly you jest, what mistake would that be?"
"Trusting you to pass judgment on humankind! You sided with the Lilin, and you betrayed us! After they murdered all our siblings…"
"Again, you show your ignorance sister… Our brothers and sisters were never killed, they simply returned to a collective state of being as is our true form. We were never meant to have the bodies father gifted us to test the Lilin. All the Lilin killed were the shells father had temporally given us so we could take physical form on Earth. That hardly constitutes murder, especially considering they were defending themselves."
"Well imagine that, the great Tabris defending the Lilin… Does you treachery have no limit? If father had entrusted me to destroy the Lilin, the Earth would've been cleansed and belonged to us again!"
"Once again, you prove you understand nothing child! You were never chosen to test the Lilin, because father knew you were too immature and unstable. There was little point in sending a child who was incapable of understanding the true scope of what we were trying to accomplish on Earth. Your recent actions have done nothing but prove what I say to be accurate."
"Silence!" Aeri emphasized the point by striking Tabris across the face with the back of her hand. "I know good and well what our purpose was! You're the one who perverted that purpose to meet your own warped desires! Father entrusted you with the final phase, and you spat in all our faces!"
"Ignorant child…" Tabris sighed. "Stop and think for a moment sister. If I'm such a traitor, so despised for my failure by father, then why am I here? My body was crushed by the hands of the Third Child, and thus my brief life as an angel in human form came to an end. Yet, father saw it appropriate to send me back in my human form. Why do you think that is Aeri?"
"How should I know?..." Her eyes thinned, the look in them hinting she'd been wondering that very thing. "Maybe it was so you could burn with your precious humanity."
"Did you ever stop to think that just maybe father is testing you?"
"Of course it did! And I won't fail like you did!"
"Indeed… Explain something to me though Aeri… Why go to all this trouble with the Third Child? You've certainly gotten close enough to him by now… You could kill him anytime you want. Why string things along?"
"Because simply killing him isn't good enough…" Pure venom and hate radiated from every poor in Aeri's body. "I want to destroy him… Heart, mind, body, and soul… Only when I've won his heart, only then will I rip it from his chest while it's still beating!" Aeri got right up into her brother's face, smiling wickedly as she continued. "And just maybe I'll let you watch as I snuff the life out of your precious Shinji Ikari… Kaworu…"
Kaworu's smile evaporated. "You underestimate him Aeri… And overestimate yourself… A dangerous and potentially lethal combination."
"We'll see about that…" Aeri frowned, as she turned her back to her fellow Angel. She remarked snidely as she walked back up the stairs. "You sit there and continue to rot… I've got work to do. The human race isn't going to exterminate itself… At least not quickly enough for my taste."
Kaworu held his stern look until the light disappeared as Aeri closed the upstairs door behind her. He allowed a smirk to find his lips, as he easily slipped his hands out of his restraints. He stood up and after massaging his wrists, he leaned back against the wall of the dungeon looking bored. He'd have to pretend he was Aeri's prisoner just a little longer… Ha, the very thought that his poor baby sister believed she was strong enough to keep him under her control was downright adorable. Hopefully, Aeri's little plot would unravel itself before she could hurt anyone… Or herself for that matter. Oh well, he had some time before Aeri would return. And it just so happened that Tabris had somewhere he needed to be.
End of Chapter 6
-Didn't really intend to drop both bombs in the same chap, but that's how it worked out. They both just seem to fit at the end here. Should have the next chapter in approximately two weeks. It's a 28 page beast so it's going to take some time to edit and fine tune. Now Shinji has his own mystery to deal with while Asuka's busy working on herself. The setup chapters are official over with. All the players have been revealed for who they are, and it's time for the story to start moving forward.