Author's Note: I can type again! Hurray! My hand is finally un-swollen enough to look like a hand and not a claw. :D

Thanks to everyone (again) who's reviewed or alerted on this story, it's uber appreciated. And yes, I know there's rampant OOC. But that's ok. Why? Because I said so. And it's just plain fun, and you all know it.

Sorry it's short. It's basically meant to set up the next chapter.

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Chapter 6: In Which Anko takes pictures.

All thoughts flew from Iruka's mind when he saw the interior of Anko's bedroom. It was... worse than he expected.

Genma was attached to lime green. Naruto had his orange. What Anko had worse worse. It was the most vile thing he had ever seen. It was... anti-shinobi. Shinobi were dark, creatures of the night and the shadow. Black, gray and the like were the natural colorations they took. Especially Konoha shinobi. Blending into the forests of Fire Country was, of course, their specialty. His own house was decorated in earth tones. Most shinobi favored earth tones. But not Anko. Oh no, certainly not Anko. Iruka figured Oorichimaru had something to do with this, and resolved to tip of ANBU as soon as this debacle was over.

The room was pink.

Flowery, frilly, girly pink.

It was the last thing anyone who knew Anko would think of. Iruka had always suspected that her apartment would house more snakes than the world-famous reptile habitats in Rice Country. Black walls, black carpets, leopard print sheets (hey, this was Anko, after all). Chains and whips hanging in the closet of hangers, dishware decorated with embossed shuriken and kunai. This was... unexpected, at the very least.

She had a fairy-tale princess poster bed, complete with white lace canopy. With pink frilly, lacy sheets. Were those Care Bears by her pillow? Oh Kame. And the Princess Barbie castle? She even had a set of Punky Brewster sneakers set beneath her bed. Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck. I've died and gone to hell.

Ibiki had noticed none of Iruka's distress (and none of the pinkness), and had sat abruptly down in the center of the (pink) floor. Wait... sat? No, Ibiki was lying flat on his back, with Mr. Elephant looking like he was peering around the room. It was almost obscene.

Ibiki giggled. Now that was obscene. Iruka tried to focus above the T&I chief's shoulders as he knelt down.

"Ibiki-san?" he decided to try being rational and applied the honorific. He needed information before Ibiki went to that place where all drunken shinobi go. Sleep.

Ibiki giggled again, looking down his chest, obviously amused by the bouncing of Mr. Elephant.

Iruka was moderately impressed. The older nin must have consumed an exorbitant amount of liquor to be in this state. Gallons. Surely this could only be caused by the intake of gallons.

However, used to as he was with dealing with those who had imbibed too much (that was a long side-story involving Genma, Raidou, Kotetsu, Izumo, Kakashi, Iwashi, Asuma, Nara Shikaku, Gai, a stick of celery and a pingpong ball), and used to dealing with the little hell-spawn known as pre-genin, Iruka switched approaches.

"Ibiki, can you help Iruka-sensei, please?" he baby-talked, glad there was no one around who could see (or hear) this. He would never be able to show his face in public again. He would probably even be demoted to teaching the four-year-olds. That was a fate worse than death.

Ibiki giggled again, focusing his bleary eyes on Iruka's. "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe," he whispered as he snatched hold of Iruka's hand. Rubbing his thumb in slow circles over the top of it, he winked suggestively up at the chuunin. "What's in it for me, Sensei?"

Oh Kame. Ibiki sounded sultry.

It was time for Iruka to pull out all the stops. "I'll have Genma treat you to one of his pressure-point massages." These massages were known throughout Fire Country for being the most therapeutic thing obtainable. Genma normally charged a small fortune for them; Iruka felt he was owed.

Ibiki's toes curled, and he seemed to sober up exponentially. "Deal. What do you need to know?" Iruka guessed the semi-sober routine was an act, as he was still rubbing the back of Iruka's hand.

"Have you heard any information on Genma or Raidou? They're both missing, and Tsunade's coffee went missing with them."

Ibiki looked like a new man, completely un-intoxicated. "Forest of Death. Forty Fourth Training Grounds. There you will find what it is you seek." He closed his eyes, and was instantly asleep and snoring.

"Aw crap."

Ibiki was still rubbing the back of Iruka's hand in his sleep, and wasn't willing to let go. Giving a tentative pull, Iruka felt no give. The pink Hello Kitty alarm clock by Anko's bedside read eleven. Time was running short, and Ibiki was attached like a limpet.

Taking a deep breath, and praying that Ibiki wouldn't remember this, Iruka carefully drew his hand towards Mr. Elephant. Seconds later, he was free, and fled from the room, nearly crashing into Anko, Kurenai, and an obviously well-ravished Asuma. Pausing only to grab Izumo and Kotetsu by the backs of their collars (thankfully, they had redressed after the strip poker), Iruka fled the party without a backwards glance.

Curious at what had riled the normally mellow chuunin so much, the trio of nin peered into Anko's bedroom.

Ibiki was flat on his back, drool oozing out of the smile he had on his face, with his fist wrapped around... his elephant... while his thumb traced slow, lazy circles around it.

Anko instantly had her camera out. Asuma giggled in a very un-manly way as he and Kurenai plotted blackmail. Tomorrow, Konoha would have a new "Elephant Man" in the news.