Growing Up

Sam exercises in the mornings after David leaves for work. He does half an hour in the morning and another half hour later if he has time. Exercise usually helps him get past creative blocks in his work, so it happens a lot. He never allows himself more than an hour unless it's a game. Today, he feels different.

He can't stop thinking about how the wedding is in a few months, and maybe he partied a little too hard at Halloween. He's probably going to gain weight because Thanksgiving is coming up, and there's Christmas after that. He has to look good for Valentine's Day. Summer is swimsuit season. Everyone expects him to look good at the wedding. It would be a great graduation present for Dave if he got a little more definition back. He hasn't let himself go by any means, but his abs aren't exactly up to their glory days from high school. Maybe he could add half an hour to his routine.

He stops himself before he turns on the treadmill. He can't do this, not again. He hasn't relapsed yet, and he won't. It's been eight years, but Sam is no more cured of his exercise bulimia than he was in high school. He goes back to the living room to sit on the couch.

He wants to call Dave. He knows that if he texted him, Dave would shamelessly text him back during class. He decides against it because he knows what it will mean to Dave if he's having trouble again. It will mean even more now that they're thinking about children.

He checks his schedule to make sure, and he calls Kurt instead. After Sam's parents kicked him out his Senior year of high school, he lived with Kurt's family until graduation, when his dad got him an apartment in Columbus. Kurt's family kept Sam as their unofficial son all the way through college, and not much in their relationship has changed in the years since.

"Sam?" Kurt asks. He teaches choir at Dalton. He's also the Warblers' coach, but it's his free period right now. "Is this about the wedding?"

"I..." Sam clears his throat. "I almost relapsed again."

"Just stick to your schedule and eat something healthy tonight," his almost-foster brother coos. "You're perfectly healthy, and you look good."

"Not good enough," Sam whines. "Not for him -"

"Stop that," the choir director admonishes softly. "Dave isn't marrying you because he expects you to change into some fictional, flawless prince. He loves you just the way you are. He would still love you if you stopped exercising and grew a beard. I've heard him say it."

Sam wipes a tear away. His voices is thick. "I'm not good enough, Kurt. I'm still battling stuff like this, and Dave wants kids -"

"Of course he wants kids; all of us are doing it." He's half-way between sarcastic and understanding. Rachel is nearly five months pregnant, and he's getting ready for his own bundle of joy.

"I can't! What if I relapse? What if I warp them or something, and they end up with an eating disorder, too?" This is ultimately his biggest fear: that he will be a failure as a parent. He can't let his kids go through this; it's horrible. If it happened, he knows Dave would blame him for it, and that would be worse than just knowing it's his fault.

"You won't do it alone, Sam," Kurt says patiently. "Have you talked to Dave about this?"

"N-not about my bulimia. I don't want him to be disappointed. He's trying so hard to be happy, Kurt. I can't take that away!" Sam loves seeing Dave so happy. It's so goddamned wonderful, and he can't spoil it.

"Sam, he'll help you. He won't mind." This is one of those awful things that he knows is true but can't bring himself to believe.

"I'm not ready, Kurt." He breaks down sobbing.

"Shhh..." It takes a few minutes, but Kurt coaxes him into calming down. "Do you love him?"

"Yes." Sam sniffs.

"And you want kids?"

"Yeah." He pictures Dave pushing a cute little boy on the swings. He wants that, he does; he's just so scared something will go wrong.

"Do you want to stay with Dave for the rest of your life?"

"Uh-huh."

"What are you scared of?"

"What if I can't make him happy? I know he loves me; I know. But he's ready for kids already, and I'm not. We already had a fight about it. And if he finds out about this?"

"He's not going to love you any less."

"He'll be so disappointed, Kurt; I just can't -"

"Sam, when he gets home, I want you to tell him." Kurt took a deep breath. "Dave isn't without his problems. I know he's having trouble coming out at his work. I know he's worried about being a dad, too -"

"Yeah, but he knows he's ready to have kids. I'm not. I'm a mess, just listen to me!"

"You talked to Dave about kids, right? What did he say?"

"He said we'd wait a few years."

"Then you have a few years. You're fine, Sam."

"I don't know what I'd do without him, Kurt. We've been together for nearly a decade."

"You'll be fine. Just don't exercise too much, okay? And you need to talk to him."

"Uh-huh." Sam nods even though Kurt can't see him.

"You've been together almost as long ad Blaine and I, and we got married two years ago. We're doing fine. You two are doing great! You just have to remind yourself of that."

Sam rubs his nose. "Thanks, Kurt."

He pushes himself through work because he has a deadline coming up, but he still manages to peek at local bakeries for a wedding cake before he feels Dave's large arms hugging his shoulders.

"Hey, beautiful." He kisses the top of Sam's head. "I missed you."

"Missed you, too, baby." His voice is still raw.

"Hey... were you crying? Is something wrong?" Dave squeezes him tighter.

"I just... the stress is getting to me, I guess."

"Is this about the wedding? Because I can pick up the slack now. It's the middle of the semester, so everyone's taking it easy."

Sam shakes his head. "I almost relapsed."

"I love you," Dave says quietly. "What do I say every morning when I wake you up?"

"You say 'Hey, beautiful.'" Sam cocks a smile.

"Yeah, and I mean it. Every time. I will mean it when you're old and gray and wrinkled. You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I don't know if that helps you or not, Sam, but I mean it. Just looking at you makes me feel so loved."

"I don't want to struggle anymore. I just want to be happy. With you, I want to be happy with you."

"It's a date."