She Never Meant to Start

Lily Evans didn't believe in damsels in distress. She didn't believe in letting someone else take care of her. She didn't believe in goodness. She didn't believe in very much at all. She didn't believe in herself. And she most definitely believe that anyone else did either.

Lily Evans wasn't perfect. Lily Evans was a moody girl. She was constantly looking down on other people, and knew it. She didn't believe she was perfect. And yet, she always thought that if she'd been in this situation she'd know exactly what to do.

What to say.

She most definitely didn't think she'd run.

She thought that she'd smack the boy. Or call him every name in the book. She thought she'd have some snappy comeback ready to fire. She had been so sure of that.

She really didn't expect that she'd spend the night with Sirius. And yet, company is company, and in reality, he was the best option she really had.

Because there was no way Mary, Marlene, or Alice were hearing about this. No way.

Which may explain why instead of sitting in the common room like a normal teenager, she was in the kitchens with a boy who she was quite sure she would have murdered a year before.

James Potter didn't believe in a religion. He didn't have any sort of connection to nature. He had nothing to put faith in, and for the most part he was okay with that. But sometimes he wondered what it would be like to put so much faith into something that you could convince yourself that it was the only thing allowing you to breathe.

And sometimes, after he thought about that. Sometimes he would think that maybe Lily Evans had turned into his own personal religion.

Because he was sure that she was the only reason he could feel anything at all, sometimes.

And then other times he wished he had a real religion, or something that he believed could make everything better. Because sometimes James Potter knew he'd screwed things up beyond repair, and he was pretty sure the only way for things to get better was some sort of god looking on him with kindness.

He wasn't really sure which moment this was. Because in one case, he'd just kissed Lily Evans. And in the other... Well, he'd just kissed Lily Evans.

And sometimes, he was sure he just didn't make any sense.

Sirius Black knew his mate was seriously messed in the head. But up until this point he hadn't taken the time to notice how badly. He also wasn't sure whether or not to congratulate the boy or buy him a coffin. Because in one case, he'd just kissed Lily Evans. And in the other... Well, he'd just kissed Lily Evans.

He also thought that if he'd ever heard the story it would've been James' point of view and not Lily Evans'.

Sirius Black didn't believe in fate, or anything ridiculous like that, but he was pretty sure that if anything like that did happen to exist, James and Lily were bound to be. Not just because he was James' best mate and obligated to say it, but rather due to the fact that she was the only girl that had ever rejected James Potter. And as backwards as that sounded, Sirius knew many girls fawned over his friend, and he was okay with that. But he wouldn't deny that watching James and Lily interact was quite the entertainment. And he knew that the only way James would ever manage a relationship that lasted, it would be with a girl that realized that James Potter was not a saint, and not nearly as great as everyone thought.

He had most definitely grown tired of the way James complained about Lily, but the way that Lily looked at James had never grown old, because the few girls James had dated hadn't any self respect because they all had believed him to be some kind of god. Lily Evans was one of the few girls that never believed anything like that, and Sirius liked it. He was quite certain that James did, too.

Lily Evans knew that if she wanted to fix anything, if she wanted any good to come from what happened, she would have to grow the courage to talk to James. Yet she continued to sit with Sirius. They had finished their conversation ages ago, and still sat in silence with each other, neither willing to be the first one to leave.

Lily reflected on all the times over the years that she claimed she wasn't affected by James Potter. How she claimed he would never affect her. And he hadn't, until now. Here she was, hiding in the kitchens just so she wouldn't have to see him.

She told this to Sirius. "Well, that's just not true at all."

"That I'm not hiding?" She gave him a bewildered look. "I promise you, that's exactly what I'm doing."

"No, I'm talking about the fact that you claimed you were never affected by him before."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that you were affected by James Potter as much as any other person. You just reacted in a completely different manner," He told her, matter-a-factly. "You would always just scream in his face, where other girls would swoon. You were affected, because if you weren't you wouldn't have reacted at all. That's why James was always sure you liked him."

She glared at him. "And who gave him that idea?"

Sirius didn't even bother to look ashamed. "Well you did, didn't you?"

She thought about that for a moment. Did she like James Potter all those years that she claimed she didn't? She believed for so long that she always knew what she'd felt. But now she wasn't so sure.

James Potter didn't believe in fairy tales. That wasn't to say that when he was little that he didn't like it when his mum would come and read him stories, but he just didn't believe that they could ever happen. Fairy tales gave people dreams that could never actually happen. Fairy tales gave people false hope.

And yet, James Potter had spent his whole Hogwarts career dreaming that one day that he might have one of those fairy tale endings. One of those earthshaking stories to tell his grandkids one day, like his parents did. He'd always wanted one of those.

It was odd, because he didn't believe in fairy tales and yet that was exactly what he thought his parents had.

Maybe he just never thought that it could happen to him. But now he wasn't so sure.

Sirius Black had never seen Lily Evans drunk. He'd never planned to, either. But sometimes things just happen. Sometimes Lily Evans just gets drunk.

"Lily, you really ought to stop. You don't want to do anything stupid," He told her, trying to grab the bottle she had found in the cupboards in the kitchen.

"It won't kill me, Sirius," She told him, still sounding mostly sober at this point.

"You might," He told her knowingly. "Tomorrow."

"What does that mean?"

"Or maybe you'll just kill me since I let you do this..." He pondered for a moment. "Yeah, that sounds much more reasonable."

She leaned her head against Sirius, and he took this as a sign of being drunk, as she'd never gotten this close to him before. "Remus said that James loves me."

"Mhmm," He nodded, not sure if this was going to be worth listening too.

"'Mhmm' I agree, or 'Mhmm' I'm saying this hoping you'll shut up," She spoke sharply.

"You know for someone so uptight during the day, I expected you to much more relaxed when you were drunk. You know, maybe you'd actually have fun with it."

"I'm not that drunk, Sirius. That's a little while down the road," She took another swig from the bottle clutched in her hands.

"'Mhmm' I agree," He told her after a moment.

She was silent after that, and so was he. He was always so sure Lily Evans had something to say every moment. He was always certain that'd she'd be the one who knew what to do. But now he wasn't so sure.

Lily Evans spent her moments of drunkenness doing exactly what she would have done sober. Think about James Potter. The disease ever present in her life, almost like a cancer.

And yet, she believed that maybe she was beginning to like it. Not cancer, but rather, James Potter. And the disease that he inflicted on her body, or should she say mind?

And that's when she decided to do it.

James Potter didn't pray much. He'd prayed once when he was really little. Like when he was about four years old and his dad told him his mum was ill. He'd also prayed the night before he went to Hogwarts, that he'd be able to make some friends, and be in Gryffindor like his dad. He didn't really pray to anyone in specific, just talked out loud in hopes that if some higher power existed, they'd take pity on him and listen. Turns out, they had.

So James got down on his knees in the Astronomy Tower for the third time in his life to pray to whatever god, force of nature, or anything, that was out there. That maybe, for one last time, they'd fix everything. Whatever there was left to fix.

Sirius Black figured he probably should have stopped her. People do really crazy things when they're drunk. But he didn't have the heart to stop her. He wasn't sure if he was doing this for James or her, but he hoped that the next morning there wasn't going to be too many repercussions. Or at least they'd be good ones.

He knew if they weren't he'd probably be dead. And as crappy as all the work he had to put in his work, he'd rather do it then die. Maybe if he lived through this he'd be a changed man. Reality was though, probably not.

AN: So yes, this took a little longer to get out then the others, but this one is actually edited, so go me! I really hope you all like this one. Not much really happened in it, but the next chapter should hopefully make up for that.

I hope so, anyway.

Thanks everyone!

~YoungAndLiving