Chapter Six

'But…'

Now it was Lucas who looked as if he needed something to hold on to. 'They'd been going through IVF,' he protested. 'There were eggs available. Nathan told me…'

'Nathan…' she swallowed. 'Nathan didn't know,'

Brooke was propelled back by the shock that came off him in waves. She grabbed for the back of a kitchen chair, then sank down on it as her shaking legs finally refused to support her.

She gestured weakly at the chair beside her. 'Sit down Lucas.' He didn't move and she said , 'Please,'

For a moment she thought he was going to ignore her plea, turn around, walk away, just as he had when she'd told him she was pregnant with his brother's baby. That there was nothing he could do or say to stop her going ahead with the surrogacy.

And so he'd said nothing.

But after endless seconds, he pulled out the chair beside her and down onto it.

'Tell me,' he said. Tell me everything.'

Brooke looked across at the crib, then back at Lucas. 'I couldn't bear to see what they were going through after the failure of the last cycle, when the consultant called a halt, saying that Haley wasn't strong enough to go through any more.'

She reached out, wanting him to understand, but there was something about the way he was holding himself, something so taut, so close to cracking, that she didn't quite dare cross that line. 'You have to understand how hard it was for them,' she pressed, wanting him to feel their pain. 'It was as if someone had died.'

'I understood,' he said shortly.

'Did you?'

Lucas understood only too well.

Maintaining that cheerful, positive front for Haley had been tough of his brother. Nathan had taken to calling him late at night when Haley had been asleep, pouring out his desperation, his sense of failure. There had been one call, when his brother had sounded so desperate that Lucas had dropped everything and flown home, seriously concerned that he was on the point of a breakdown. Something Haley had been too wrapped up in her own loss to recognize.

Brooke pressed him for an answer. 'Did you really, Lucas?'

'I understand that it had become an obsession, that it was destroying them both,' he said. 'I wanted Nathan to put a stop to it. Let it go. Adopt.'

'That seems such an obvious choice to the outsider,' she said. 'For a women yearning for a baby of her own…' She let out a long shuddering sigh. 'I loved them both so much, to see them hurting like that was unbearable.'

'So it was you who suggested the surrogacy?'

'Not until I was sure it was possibility. Like you, I did my research online, found a site run by and for people who'd already been through this. Then I saw my doctor, talked it through with her. Had all the health checks. I didn't want to raise Haley's hopes, not until I had the medical all clear.'

'You should have had counseling. What if you'd found you couldn't give up the baby? It happens.'

'I know.'

'But then you weren't really giving her up were you?'

She didn't argue. She could see how it must look to him, but he hadn't been the one lying in bed listing to her baby crying in the night, screwing the sheets into knots as she clung to the bed, waiting for Haley to call her, ask her to help. A call she knew would never come.

'When I told them I was ready and willing to have one of Haley's eggs implanted, the both cried.'

'They didn't try to talk you out of it? Either of them?'

Here eyes flashed impatiently. 'Of course they did, Nathan said that it was time for them to take the adoption route.'

'But Haley was hooked.' he finished for her.

'They weren't that young any more. We all knew that adoption would not have been easy. And I was absolutely certain that it was something I wanted to do.'

'So.'

'Nathan had to go to Boston for an away game. He said we'd talk about it again when he got back.' She shrugged. 'While he was gone, Haley and I went to see her consultant so that we'd have all the options when he got back. He gave it to us straight. While he was prepared to attempt implanting a fertilized egg, he didn't need to labor the point about how much harder it is to get a result that way.' She was staring at her hands. 'Haley had tried, Lucas. I'd seen what it did to her. Simple artificial insemination is much easier, much more reliable. By the time Nathan came home, it was done.'

Lucas rose slowly to his feet. Some sound must have escaped him, because Brooke said,

'She's still Nathan's baby…'

He shook his head and for a moment she faltered, but she quickly rallied and, on her feet, came back at him with a fierce, 'Yes! Grace is still just as much your niece as if Haley had given birth to her.'

'No…'

This time the word felt as if it had been torn from the depths of his soul, as feelings that he'd been battling with for over a year threatened to overwhelm him.

'Please, Luke,' she said, her hand reaching for his, her voice urgent now, desperate. 'Gracie needs you.'

'No!' His bellow, reverberating around the high ceiling, was echoed by a startled cry from the baby.

He was beside her in a stride, lifting her from the crib, holding her out in front of him at arm's length.

'Gracie Scott is not my niece,' he said. Then tucker the little girl protectively against his shoulder, he turned to Brooke. 'She's my daughter.'

'What?'

'She's my daughter, our daughter.'

'No,' she said, shaking her head, taking a step back, looking out at the world as if she'd just steeped on the tail of a sleeping lion. 'Don't…'

If ever her eyes betrayed her feelings, they betrayed them now. The she turned away, as if she couldn't bear to look at him, walking to where she'd dropped the bottles and bent to pick them up.

'Give her to me,' she said.

'It's the truth,' he said, refusing to surrender Grace when, still not looking at him, she held out her arms to take her. He had to make her look at him. Had to convince her. 'Nathan would have done anything and, God forgive me, I conspired in his deception.'

She let her arms drop, turned and walked out of the room.

'You can't hide from this,' he said, following her. 'Or bury your head in the sand. You're going to have to fight to keep your baby.'

She stopped at the foot of the stairs, swung around to face him. 'From you?' she demanded angrily. 'Is that what this is all about?' She gestured at the baby still nestled against his shoulder. 'Control of Nathan's baby?'

'My baby. Why else would I have tried to stop the surrogacy? What I did, I did for Nathan. To ease his torment. If Haley had become pregnant, if she'd had a baby, I could have lived with it. Been glad for them. But to know that you were carrying my child…'

'It was the same, Lucas.'

'No, Brooke. It was completely different. You were carrying my child. Have you any idea how that made me feel?'

That at least, gave her pause. The anger died from her eyes, to be replaced by some other emotion. One that was far harder to read.

'How?'

'I can't explain…' it was true. There was no vocabulary for the anguish he'd felt, knowing that a women he'd loved was carrying his child only to give it away. That she would never-could never- know the truth. He'd felt as if he were stealing something from her. Losing part of himself.

'Why didn't you just tell me, Lucas? Instead of going on and on about what a fool I was. How I'd regret it.'

'Nathan made me swear…'

'On what? Your father's life?' Sarcasm dripped from her tongue and he didn't blame her.

'Not even Haley knew,' he said.

'I don't believe you. He wouldn't have deceived her.'

'Just like Haley wouldn't have deceived Nathan?' he retaliated, and color streaked across her cheekbones. 'If it helps, with Haley's history I didn't believe there was the slightest chance of her carrying the baby to full term.'

'No, Lucas, adding cynicism to deception doesn't help one bit.'

'No, I don't suppose it doesn't.' Then, 'If it would have changed anything, despite my promise, I would have told you.'

'But I told you what I hadn't told them. That you were too late. I was already pregnant.'

He nodded.

'Maybe, if we hadn't jumped the gun, if we'd waited until he came home,' Brooke said, 'he would have told me.'

'Maybe.' But, as their eyes locked, they both knew that it was never going to happen.

'But…' She shook her head. 'I don't understand. Why? Why would he do it? Why would you?'

'Nathan was desperate and I had no choice.'

'They were both desperate, but there was no problem with Nathan. It was Haley. They both knew that…'

'I know,' he said. 'I know. But while he was holding it together on the surface for Haley, he was perilously close to a breakdown. She was going through so much to give them both what they wanted, Nathan felt so useless and that somehow morphed into the certainty that it was his fault they couldn't have children, I tried to get him to see a counselor but he just begged me…' Brooke was staring at him and he broke off, unable to continue. 'You're not the only one who owed Nathan and Haley,' he said angrily. 'They took me in, too. I only did what you did, Brooke.'

'You think?' She lifted one eyebrow. 'A few minutes in a cubicle with a magazine?'

'If you knew how helpless men feel,' he said. How helpless, how confused he'd felt, knowing that she was carrying a child he'd so unwillingly helped make. 'If I'd had any idea where it would lead, I'd never have gone through with it…'

Brooke was in turmoil, couldn't begin to think straight, but one message was coming over loud and clear. That while he had been prepared to assist Haley to get pregnant, he'd flown half way around the world in an attempt to stop her from having his baby.

'It's okay, Lucas. No need to labor it,' she snapped. 'I get the picture. Haley could have your baby, but I wasn't good enough.'

'No! That's not right. How could you not be good enough?'

'Then why?'

'Haley was just Haley. Nathan's wife. You…' She'd never seen Lucas struggle for words like this.

'What?' She demanded. 'How bad can it be?'

'Not bad. Far from bad, but we were in love Brooke.'

'In love?'

'You were my first, Brooke.'

His first, her last…she didn't want to think about how pathetic that was. 'I still don't understand what your problem was.'

'Don't you?' He looked at Gracie for a moment, then back at her. 'My problem was that when Nathan told me you were going to have a baby for Haley – not his, but my baby – it made me feel the way I did when you left me all those years ago. Like I had cheated you again.'

'Yeah well, we were young then, my head was missing that night, and so was your heart.'

She might as well have slapped him. Yesterday she'd wanted to, now…

Now she had to deal with the fact that it was Lucas, not Nathan who was the father of her baby. That it wasn't simple biology, a surrogacy without emotional involvement or ties, but that ten years too late, her darkest dream had come true.

She didn't want to slap him, she wanted to hold him. Wanted him to hold her, tell her that it would be all right…

It was never gong to happen.

He'd made his feelings plain. He hadn't expected or wanted this child. He'd once told her, when she'd found him burning photo's of his father, that he would never have children.

Later, when Nathan and Lucas had gone to the river court, Haley had told her that there had been a letter, explaining that Dan would be paroled early on good behavior, and that he was getting remarried.

'I have to deal with this,' she said, clutching the pack of bottles to her.

'You can't run away form this, Brooke. Can't hide. Can't curl up and make it go away. Grace is our daughter and we're going to have to sit down and decided what is best for her.' He looked down at the dark curls of the baby who was chewing at his shoulder. 'Make decisions that will alter all our lives.'

'She's Haley and Nathan's daughter,' she replied, a touch desperately. She wasn't ready to talk about anything else right now. She needed time to come to terms with what he'd told her. That she'd had Lucas Scott's baby. 'It says so on her birth certificate, as you've taken great pains to remind me.'

'All the more reason…'

'No. You didn't want her, Lucas. You never wanted her. You flew from Australia to try and stop her from being conceived.'

'And failed.' He came close to a smile. 'Not that I'm the first man to face that situation. Although I'm probably the first not to at least have the fun of getting myself there.'

'Sorry, I can't help you with that one, Lucas,' Brooke said with a desperate flippancy that she was far from feeling. 'You'll just have to dig deep in your memory for consolation.'

'Not that deep,' he replied without hesitation, his eyes glinting dangerously as he lifted a hand to her face, ran his thumb down the side of her cheek. And for a moment all she could think about was how he'd kissed her – not ten years ago, but yesterday, when he'd woken her. Kissed her, kissed his baby. Because he'd always know that Grace was his. And now he knew that she was hers, too.

This was the first time either of them had ever talked about their failed relationship and Brooke discovered that at twenty – eight years of age she could still blush like a shy fourteen –year-old.

Maybe Lucas, too, was experiencing whatever similar response men felt when, without warning, they stumbled into emotional quicksand because, for a moment neither of them spoke.

Then Brooke said, 'You're okay, Lucas. I don't have a father who cares enough to get out a shot gun and make you do the right thing.'

'I know all about uncaring fathers, Brooke. You're right. Having seen the dark side, fatherhood is not something I ever wanted, but here I am, like it or not.'

And Brooke, who hadn't thought beyond the next hour for more then a week, realized that she had better start putting in some serious thinking time about what future she saw for Grace. For herself.

'This changes everything, doesn't it? She said, sinking onto the stairs.

Lucas sat down beside her, put his spare arm around her, pulled her against his chest. 'Everything,' he agreed.

They sat there for long minutes, both of them contemplating the future. Until last week, each had seen the road clear ahead of them. Two separate paths. One a quiet small town road, the other a challenging climb up a twisting mountain path with the end lost in the clouds. Now their ways merged in a pothole – strewn lane that was shrouded in swirling mists.

It was Grace, waving a hand and grabbing a handful of Lucas' hair, who finally bought them back to now, this minute and, as he yelped, Brooke lifted her head, smiling despite everything as she rescued him from the baby's grasp.

'Did she pull it out by the roots?' he asked, rubbing at his scalp.

'Not much. Get used to it.'

'Will you help?'

'I'm in for the duration, Lucas.'

And that, she realized, was all that mattered. She was now the only mother Grace would ever have and she just had to get on with it. If Lucas wanted to be a father…Well, that was good, but she wasn't holding her breath.

And, with that, the world steadied and, realizing that she was still clutching the bottles, she got to her feet. Milk. Shower. Work. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Do what had to be done and the rest would fall into place…

'I'll be as quick as I can,' she said, glancing down at him.

'You're leaving Gracie with me?' She saw panic flash across his face. 'What do I do with her?'

She paused, the words "Be a father" burning on her brain. Not Fair. She wanted him around for Grace, but she wouldn't stoop to blackmail.

He hadn't asked for – or wanted – this.

'Just keep her amused for a while,' she said, forcing herself to walk up the stairs, away from them. She got very nearly halfway before she looked back.

He hadn't moved, but was looking up at her, dirty blond hair still messy from bed, ancient sweatpants sagging below his waist, exposing a band of paler skin, bare feet. Grace propped in is elbow, happily sucking at his naked shoulder.

If she had trawled her imagination for a perfect picture of fatherhood, she couldn't have bettered it.

Don't go there, she warned herself. It might only take one little tadpole waking up from deep freeze and eager to explore to make a baby, but being a father required a lifetime of commitment. He saved his energies for really important stuff, like dominating the New York Times Best Seller List.

'Better still,' she said, a catch in her throat, 'let her amuse you.'

Lucas looked at the baby, then back at her. 'What dose she do?'

'Do? She's not a performing seal.' Then, because he was clearly so far out of his depth he was in danger of drowning, she threw him a lifeline. 'She's just learned to roll over. If you put her down on the carpet, she'll show you.'

She didn't wait to see what he did, but ran up two flights of stairs to her room, her brain pounding out the words Lucas's baby over and over.

She'd been carrying Lucas' baby inside her for nine months and not known. Had given birth to Lucas' baby and had given her away.

How could she have done that?

How could she have looked at her and not seen? The little eyelid tuck. The deep blue eyes. A little curl that fell right over her eye.

He was right not to have told her.

To have known and have to give her up, even to her best friend, would have been like tearing her heart from her body and, without it, she would never have survived.

…

Once she finished expressing her milk, Brooke took a shower, then sorted through her closet for something suitable for the trip into town, ignoring her usual bright colors as inappropriate, choosing the navy suite she normally kept for visits to the bank.

She'd suggest walking into town. Apart from avoiding the hassle of parking, it would be good to stretch their legs, get some fresh air, They could cut through the river court park on there way home, maybe take some bread. It was way past time that Gracie was introduced to the joys of feeding the ducks. Haley had always loved doing that.

To the outside world they'd look like any ordinary family, she thought. Mother, father, baby. All they lacked was a dog.

She put her hand over her mouth, squeezed her eyes tight shut. Hung on until the urge to howl passed.

…..

Brooke's baby…

The words thumped through Lucas's head as he took the stairs down to the basement. Last night he'd stood for a long time in the shadows of the nursery, watching his child sleeping, as every shade of emotion raced through him.

Anger, confusion, guilt. Grief at not just the loss of his brother and best friend, but of this last year when he'd walled himself up, unable to come to terms with what he'd done. Feeling somehow cheated, used. Worst of all, having deep buried feelings for Brooke stirred up to torment him.

The minute he'd stopped concentrating on something else, his mind would sandbag him with memories of how it had felt to be buried to the hilt in her sweet, hot body, her legs wrapped around him as she'd cried out his name. Creating pictures of her carrying his child, as if the one had led from the other.

He'd never wanted to be a father. No man had ever been more careful to avoid it. Ever when they had a brief scare in high school , he'd been scared at how badly he would fuck it up, like his father had him and Nathan.

Even when he'd gone to the clinic, done the necessary, he managed to distance himself from the reality of it. Any baby would be Nathan's, not his. And it had worked until he had discovered that it was Brooke who'd be carrying his seed, at which point dispassion had deserted him.

Now, lifting his little girl from his shoulder, holding her in front of him, he was faced with more reality then he could handle.

'So, Gracie,' he said, 'are you going to amuse me?'

Grace, head wobbling slightly, frowned in concentration as if considering his question, just as her mother had once frowned over homework.

'Your mother said you can roll. Is that the extent of your repertoire?'

That earned him his first smile.

'What? You think that's a funny word do you?'

Grace made a grab for his cheek, found the short stubble of his beard and tugged. 'Oh, no, you don't, young lady,' he gasped and, eyes watering, put her down on the carpet, pulled on the sweatshirt he'd discarded the night before, then settled down on the floor beside her.

Grace stuck her fingers in her mouth and flung her legs up in the air.

'Oh, please,' he said. 'Is that anyway for a lady to behave?'

Grace blew a bubble.

'You really are Brooke's baby,' he laughed.

…

Brooke put the bottles in the fridge, set the table for breakfast and then, since Lucas and Gracie had still not appeared, she went looking for them.

They weren't in the living room – the most obvious "rolling" territory – or anywhere else on the ground floor.

The door to the basement was still open.

She crossed to it, but hesitated on the threshold. It wasn't that she never went down there. She had always volunteered to prepare it for him when he'd been expected home, whisking through it cleaning and checking for essentials. Smoothing Haley's best linen sheets over the mattress, fluffing up the pillows. She had always avoided going down there when he had actually been in residence.

She'd even weaned herself off going down there once he'd gone, wallowing in the sent of him clinging to the sheets, towels.

It had been years since she'd taken a pillowcase he had slept on to tuck beneath her own pillow.

As she hovered at the top of the stairs, the rich, deep sound of his laughter drifted upwards and, drawn by this unexpected, wonderful heart-lifting sound, she took one step, then another and then she was standing in the small lobby, looking through the open door into Lucas' bedroom.

Unaware of her presence, he was lying face down on the floor, his back to her, playing peekaboo with Gracie. Lifting the hem of the sweatshirt he'd thrown on, hiding his face and then popping out with a. 'Boo.' Gracie responded by throwing up her legs and wriggling with pleasure.

Lucas laughed. 'Again?'

Gracie waved her arms excitedly.

The two of them were locked in their own intimate little bubble, totally focused on each other, It was touching, beautiful, unutterably sad, and Brooke was torn in her emotions, wanting to laugh with Lucas and Gracie and weep for Nathan and Haley.

She did neither.

Instead, determined not to disturb father and daughter as they discovered each other, she clamped her lips together, took a step back, then turned and, as silently as possible, went back upstairs.