Monday morning. The school bus honks. The door to the VanHouten residence opens and Louann shoves Milhouse repeatedly out the front door. Milhouse runs to the school bus with a black leather jacket covering him. He gets into the bus and kids giggle at him. He sits next to Bart, smoking some.
"Hey, Bart."
"Wow, you're a vampire and your mom is still making you go to school?"
"I haven't told her yet. I'm afraid if I do she'll ground me."
"How do you plan to handle the day time?" asks Bart.
"I'm wearing long sleeve pants and shirt and wearing gloves, as well as a scarf. And I'm covered in layers of long-lasting sun screen."
"Hey, did you bring that five dollars you owe me?"
"Yes. I'll pay it back when we're inside."
"Milhouse, who is the Master?" asks Lisa.
"Master what?" Milhouse asks.
"The head vampire; the Master of them all."
"I don't know."
"If you're lying to me…"
"Lisa, it's not like we get a memo and a manual when we become a vampire," says Milhouse.
"Dang. I was just hoping to get lucky."
.
We see Springfield Elementary.
Mrs. Krabbappel writes on the chalk board.
"Okay class, since we finished early today, turn to chapter twenty-seven, page seven. Now that we're learned about Saturn, it's time to learn about Uranus. Uranus is huge."
Bart tries not to laugh.
"Uranus notably has a ring around it."
Bart giggles.
"Bart! Is there something funny about Uranus?"
"Ah-"
"Don't' say anything. Now, it's so big that sixty-seven Earth's can fit inside Uranus."
"HA HA HA!" Bart bellows, pounding a first on his desk.
The bell rings and kids start running out of class for the lunch room.
"Make sure to look up Uranus!" Krabbappel yells out to them.
.
Bart and Lisa sit at a table in the library, eating their lunches as Bergstrom paces.
"Are you sure he said the Master?"
"Positive. He didn't say who it was though," Lisa replies.
"The Master is a very old vampire. His face is all wrinkly and scary and the Council is always surprised he's still around."
"Gary Busey?" says Bart.
.
"The last known record was a great battle at an undisclosed location involving him and group of Gypsy wiccans. The Gypsies were victorious. At the time – this was several decades ago before commercial airlines – the Slayer was on the other side of the world dealing with an urgent matter. It would have taken months for her to get there."
Bart reads aloud from an open book.
"Librum incendere."
The book catches fire and he closes it to put the flame out.
"Bart, don't' speak Latin in front of the books," says Bergstrom.
"Well, there's another problem: the Trio consist of the school bullies and they came to school today. Clothed head to toes and wearing sun screen," says Lisa.
"They certainly are a brazen bunch. As long as you don't' get cornered alone with them, you should be all right. It's not like they're going to attempt to kill you in plain sight. We'll just have to figure out what to do next."
"Why don't we just lay a trap for them?" asks Bart.
"Yeah, but what?" asks Lisa.
"Huddle around. I got an idea that's so good it's Bart-tacular."
A door bursts open, revealing a panicked looking Skinner.
"There aren't any dead students in here, are there?"
"Not as such," Bergstrom replies.
"Good, good," Skinner says with relief, "then it's just in the second story hall men's room."
He disappears back into the hall.
"Shouldn't I go check on that?" asks Lisa.
"No, there'll be plenty of time to slay him tonight."
.
Skinner looks at a dead kid laying on the bathroom floor with a tongue hanging loose and his eyes open wide in shock.
Lunch Lady Doris drops the arm of the kid she was feeling the pulse of, "He's a goner."
"Damn, the barbeque fork bandit strikes again," says Skinner.
Doris rolls her eyes, "If that's what you chose to believe. At least in that reality the kitchen has a barbeque fork," she walks off.
"For crying out loud – for the last time: the budget can't afford it!" he yells to Doris.
A coroner zips the kid up in a body bag and dumps it on a gurney; he wheels it out and Skinner follows it out. He stops Jimbo who is at the top of the stairs.
"Thank you, Jimbo, for bringing this … issue to my attention."
"You're like," he briefly chuckles, "welcome."
Skinner walks passed the coroner who walks backwards down the steps, letting the wheels on the other end of the gurney land on each step down. Skinner walks to the front doors and holds one open for the coroner.
"Try to see that he gets a … nice coffin."
Skinner lets go of the door to walk to his office when he hears a yell.
"SKINNER!"
"Agh! Superintendent Chalmers!"
"Why is it when I heard the words 'kid' and 'dead' I instantly thought of the name Skinner!"
"While my students do have a tendency to die mysteriously each semester, I hardly think it's fair to associate my name with youth death. The kids are just prone to die. They're like two powerful magnets of innocence and death attract-"
"What is it with you and magnets? Always with the magnets."
"I didn't realize magnets were such a polarizing topic."
"Gah, stop it with magnets already!"
"Sorry."
"So what was it this time: Beheading? Barbeque fork injury? Pack of hyenas?"
"Barbeque fork neck wound. I honestly don't know how they managed to trip and fall on so many of them."
"It's always the children's fault, isn't it, Seymour?"
"Yes. Yes it is."
"I see. Well, I have to go come up with yet another plausible reason for our annual average death count," Chalmers stops walking away, "Oh, and Skinner, permission slips are only for school outings, not year-long attendance," he then exits out the school entrance.
"Blast – I thought I was onto something there."
.
Later that day after school has ended and all the kids and teachers are gone, Jimbo, Kearney and Nelson enter the school and make their way toward the gym.
"Wow! I didn't know Skinner held a mountain bike contest. I don't even remember us entering," says Jimbo.
"Who cares," says Nelson, "free is free."
"Who ever said nothing is like is free, obviously never won a mountain bike before," says Kearney.
The enter the gym and see a large sheet in the middle with what looks like the contours of bicycles.
"Hey, Skinner! We're taking the bikes!" Nelson calls out, expecting to see Skinner.
They walk over to the sheet; Nelson grabs it and rips it off, tossing it away, revealing card board cut-outs glued to wooden boards on the gym floor. "Suckers" is written on them.
"What the…" says Kearney.
"Man, I can't believe we fell for that again," comments Jimbo.
"Nah nannie nah nah!" Bart yells out.
"Get him!" Jimbo yells out.
They rush the gym entrance doors.
"So long, suckers!"
Bart chains and locks the doors and runs away. Nelson tries the door once there and then yanks on then handle; the other two bang on the doors.
"I can't believe little Bart dude tricked us," says Jimbo.
"When I get out of here I'm going to bite him so hard," says Nelson.
"Bite this!" Lisa shouts.
They turn to see her holding a crossbow. She fires and hits Nelson about where his arm meets his torso.
"Ow. Get her!"
"I still miss my X, but my aim in improving!" exclaims Lisa.
"She's making puns, kill her!" Jimbo exclaims.
Jimbo reaches down with both arms to grab Lisa. Lisa rolls between his legs and pulls out a wooden cross which she presses into one of Kearney's legs.
"AGH!" he grabs his smoking knee (through the pants) and hops around.
"Didn't anyone ever tell you there's no smoking allowed in here?" Lisa says with mocking sarcasm.
Jimbo turns to go for Lisa again and he's hit with holy water from the Super Soaker Bart is firing from the overhead air conditioning tube.
"Oh no – my delicate but manly face!" says Jimbo.
Nelson throws a punch and Lisa ducts it; he throws another which she also avoids, but grabs onto his arm and is pulled up when Nelson instinctively draws it back. She uses the momentum to punch Nelson in the face. When she drops she springs off his fat gut and hits Kearney in the back, knocking him down.
"I see you're really starting to fall for me, Kearney!"
"She won't stop punning!" says Jimbo.
Bart sprays holy water at Nelson to keep him off Lisa while she presses the wooden cross into Kearney's other knee; the sound of his knee sizzling under his long pants can be heard. He drops to his knees and Lisa quickly grabs onto his long sleeves and pulls him down. She holds Mr. Pointy out with the flat end to her chest and lets his weight from the fall impale him.
"Ah, nuts," Kearney exclaims before exploding into dust; his skeleton remains.
Lisa shoves the skeleton off her and sees Nelson and Jimbo pulling the sheet over themselves to protect them from the holy water.
"Now, Li'!" Bart yells.
Lisa runs away and Nelson and Jimbo give chase, awkwardly trying to keep the blanket covering them. She tops at the climbing rope and grabs onto it, putting her shoes on the knot.
"So long, boys. Things are starting to look … up."
Just as they are about to reach her, the rope quickly goes upward.
"What?" Jimbo says surprised.
It's then they notice the rope isn't attached to the normal spot on the ceiling, but rather leading up to and inside the air duct that Bart was firing from.
We hear Alf Clausen's triumphant ascending brass theme as Lisa is pulled in. Behind Bart in the tube junction is an electronic wench with the rope wound on it.
"And now for the finishing touch…" says Bart who then pulls over to him a big black suitcase with the words Li'l Bastard General Mischief Kit printed in orange on it. He opens it up to reveal several small cans of gasoline; he pulls them out to split with Lisa.
"Bart, where'd you even get all this gasoline?"
"I pilfered it from Willie's shed."
"What about the suitcase?" she says as they each kick out an air cover grate.
"Hidden in e a secret panel behind my locker."
"What about all the gas cans?" she asks as they uncap them and pour out the gas onto the gym floor.
"Lisa, it's best not to delve too much further into it."
"It's gasoline!" we hear Jimbo exclaim from down below.
They dump the final containers and then Bart hands her a match.
"Would you like the honors?"
"Might as well; I'm going to get blamed for it anyway," she then crawls back to the hole and sticks her head out, "Hey, vamptards – you're fired!" she strikes the match on the inside of the duct and drops it; the gas ignites in a quick blue-flame swoosh.
Lisa and Bart quickly make their way through the duct system.
"Still smells like greasy Willie in here," Bart comments.
.
Bart pushes open an air conditioning cover on a wall in the hall and climbs out, followed by Lisa.
"I did it, Bart! I trusted dad's advice and it didn't let me down for once! I kick serious as-"
"Ahem. Lisa Simpson."
They turn to see Skinner.
"Principal Skinner, was I just-"
Skinner interrupts her again, "Burning down the gym again? Yes, I can see that."
They look over to see smoke pouring out of the door cracks and light from the flames under the door in the darkened hall.
"Ah, sir, I can explain…"
"Oh, what is it this time – more asbestos? Lead paint? Do the showers and water fountains have chlorine which are turning the freakin' frogs gay?"
"Ahhhuuummm … hey, wait a minute. Remember that time I found a dead scorpion in my apple sauce and I didn't sue? Well, I'm calling in a favor," says Lisa.
"What did you have in mind?"
"You don't tell anyone I had anything to do with this. As far as you're concerned, you never saw me."
"Well, this is highly irregular, but alright."
"Thank you."
"Way to go Lis'; blackmailing Skinner like a boss," says Bart.
"Can I blame him?" Skinner asks.
"No, I have to live with him."
"Carry on then," he hears the screams of Nelson and Jimbo, "Lisa, I hate to have legal knowledge I'd be forced to recant in a court of law, but I can't help but note the terrifying screams coming from inside the locked and chained gymnasium. What really is going on in there?"
"Well, if you must know, they're vampires."
"Oh … oh thank God. I thought it was cold-blooded murder. Normally I would expect that from Bart."
"Hey!"
"Ah, yes, vampires; I encountered those back in Nam. They crawled out of holes and caves at night and feasted on Charlie and any other man or woman they could get their claws at. Lost three good men to them. But enough reminiscing, I have a cover-up to construct."
"Come on, Bart," says Lisa.
As they head off, Bart turns to Skinner.
"Hey, how come every time I tried to haggle with you over not telling my parents, you said you don't negotiate with terrorists?"
"Heh heh heh, Bart, Lisa's not a terrorist." He turns and walks way.
After about a minute, Willie comes running around a corner.
"I'll save the wee li'l' vampire turtles!" he runs into a room and we hear biting and sucking noises. He comes running out with turtles all over him. "Agh! Save me from the wee li'l' vampire turtles! They were too big for me!"
.
"She tricked you?" Mr. Burns bellows; his arms flail about. "She walks free when I should be drinking her heart's blood right now?!"
Nelson and Jimbo stand before him, side-by-side; their cloths are still smoldering and pants are gone from the fire. Parts of Jimbo's face is melted by the fire that they survived by flying up and using the grate cover to break a window.
Burns scowls menacingly, "Careless…"
"We'll do better next time," says Nelson.
"Apparently they old adage of it you want a job done right, you must do it yourself is still apt," says Burns.
"Sir, you did say last time that they only had one more chance," says Smithers.
Burns walks around behind Nelson and Jimbo, "True, they did fail. Smithers, the taking of a life – and I'm not talking about humans – is a serious matter."
"So you'll spare them?"
"I am old and weary and their deaths will bring me little joy. NAOMPH!" he stabs Nelson through the back into the heart.
Nelson disintegrates into a dust, leaving behind a skeleton.
"Crap. I wish I had done more with my life. Specifically, more bullyi-"
Burns stabs Jimbo, too.
"Of course sometimes a little is enough," he drops the fireplace poker, "Have the maid drag the skeletal remains to the side of the road for garbage pickup."
"Yes, sir."
"Look at me, Smithers."
"Already on it, sir."
"I'm so strong now I was able to break that tough layer of thin skin on my morning kid snack without breaking a sweet or bones. I just need a bit more and I can break free. If only the Vessels had succeeded.
"I can be your Vessel, sir – fill me."
"Nooo," he puts his fingers together, "I have a surprise up my sleeves."