Final Fantasy: A Parody Novelization

by Quadraginta

This is a parody-novelization of the original Final Fantasy, giving the originally silent protagonists voices, and (if you can even call it that) personalities. This parody-novelization follows mostly the same story as the original Final Fantasy (what little story it had in the first place) but with lots of humor thrown in.

6. Chapter 6

"Hand...hand...foot...foot...don't look down..." said Moon as she was climbing the incredibly tall tree. Taller than her, heheheh...

"Don't look down...don't look down...dammit, Quad, why don't you help me...don't look dow-" A snapping sound interrupts her. "Crap." she says as she plummets down 69 feet and lands directly in a pile of conveniently placed cow manure.

Quad looked very closely at Zeph's balls. He fractured his left ball and his right ball was heavily bruised. "Hmmm..." said Quad. "Yes?" replied Zeph. "Your balls don't seem to be in very good shaped...but..." "But what?" Quad said nothing, as fucking usual of him. Instead, he pulled out a roll of duct tape. Two rolls, actually. Actually, no, three.

Solun was unconscious, although Rain fixed this problem. How? Don't ask. "Mer...er...agh...boobies...big boobies..." mumbled Solun as she slowly stirred awake. "BOOBIES!" yelled Rain in Solun's ear. Solun sat up quickly, wide awake and yelled "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!" Rain smiled to herself. "You're awake." Solun smiled back. A very specific kind of smile. A kind of smile that only a man in a white van would smile.

Astos watched this all with a big smile on his face. "I've sent them all sprawling...this...is the proudest day of my life! I've actually done some damage to people! Yes! Yes! I'm not useless after all!"

Suddenly, Quad appeared behind Astos and said "no, you're still useless."

Quad locked his two hands together, and smacked them into the back of Astos's head. Dragon Ball Z-style.

Astos spun around in the air while he was falling, and he landed crotch-first.

"WHY DO GENITALS ALWAYS GET HURT IN THIS DAMN NOVELIZATION?" yelled Astos. "Because" I said. "Because I enjoy hurting genitals."

"Shut up" said Quad, as he swung his staff towards my- OW, DAMN THAT HURTS. "Stop breaking the fourth wall" said Quad. "Fine" I replied.

Quad stepped over to Astos's limp but still extremely fucking loud body. "Had enough?" asked Quad. "Nerp" said Astos, as he abruptly ended chapter 6.

END OF CHAPTER 6.

"Wait" said Zeph. "How the hell did he do that?"

END OF CHAPTER 6, DAMMIT.