TO THE LIGHT

CHAPTER 6

Rounding the corner, I throw open the first available door and dash inside. The room spins and a vice-like grip clamps around my throat as I lunge forward. With my hands trembling, I brace them on my knees and frantically heave, trying desperately to get air into my starved lungs. Eyes clenched tight, I chant in my mind, "You're not going to die, you're not going to die, you're not going to die," over and over again until my agonized gasps begin to lessen and air starts to expand my lungs.

I think someone asks me if I'm okay but I'm not sure. I breathe in and out, nice and slow, and my heart rate decreases and finally returns to manageable levels.

Glancing up, I frown, completely disoriented. I'm in an upscale restaurant with dozens of people staring at me. A manager touches my shoulder and asks me if I need him to call 911. I quickly shake my head and race to the door, peeking my head out. I don't see Edward anywhere so I bolt out of the restaurant and hurry back to work, nervously glancing over my shoulder every couple of seconds.

With a bottle of water in my hand, I collapse into a chair in the lunchroom completely exhausted. Gulping down a quarter of the cold liquid, I wipe my mouth and wonder how I'm going to get home tonight because I cannot take the bus. But I have to take the bus because I don't have enough money for a taxi. Sighing heavily, I cross my arms and rest my head on the table resigned by the fact that I am stuck.

I have no clue how I'm going to face Edward, but I'm sure he won't even want to talk to me anyway because who wants to talk to a person who panics over a simple compliment? I hate how I reacted but I can't control my panic attacks. They hit me out of left field when I least expect it.

But it was her words...

Rubbing my temples, I push the thought away. I should have never started this thing with Edward in the first place. I knew better. I should have ignored his warm smiles, hidden how much they affected me because I know my reality. My life is hard. Every day and every night is a struggle. I barely get by sometimes and I can't bring another person into it especially someone like Edward.

I think of Sue and the look on her face and my stomach pitches. She seemed so nice and lovely and I didn't even shake her hand. I can't imagine what she thinks of me. I wish I could go back and apologize to her, but I know I won't.

The afternoon goes by way too quickly. I can't keep my eyes off of the clock and I keep wishing the hands would somehow click backwards. I find it difficult to interact with customers. My forced smiles feel even more awkward on my face.

With sweaty palms, I clock out. My stomach churns nauseously as I slip on my hat and gloves. I drag my feet as slow as possible considering the bustling crowd around me but I stop mid-stride when I catch sight of the funny hat. My mouth parts as I suck in a huge gust of air. Someone crashes into me from behind, sending me forward a step or two but I instantly recover and turn on a dime, cutting my way back through the one-way traffic of nine-to-fivers.

Why is he here? How does he know where I work? What am I going to say? Why won't he go away?

Question after question filters through my mind as I practically run to the rear exit. Pushing open the door to my freedom, I gulp in choppy breaths as my heart jackrabbits in my chest.

Closing my eyes, I pull in a shuddering lungful of air and let it out slowly. I repeat it a couple more times until I start to feel myself relax a little. Opening my eyes, they immediately widen in disbelief when I see Edward approaching. Leaning back against the building, I slump, squeezing my eyes shut, my body reacting in all sorts of unusual ways as I wait for his dreaded arrival.

"Bella, I don't mean to be chasing you," he says, his words tumbling after each other. "It's just that I am so sorry about what happened earlier and I hope you can accept my apology and I need to talk to you and - "

"Wait. Don't say anything else," I mumble between heartbeats as I push off of the building and finally look at him. His face is pale, brows pinched, lips a fine line.

I roughly clear my throat. "Please tell Sue how sorry I am. For the way I acted. I... I think you should go your way. And I go mine. And I thank you. For your smiles. I really needed them but this is for the best."

"No," he says with startled eyes. "It can't end like this."

Frowning, I cower as he steps closer, determined.

"It can't," he continues in a panicked voice. "This isn't how it's supposed to go."

Confused, I step around him and start treading quickly towards the bus stop, but he grabs my arm. My breath hitches as I feel his touch again like it's directly on my skin. His eyes widen and he drops his hand like he just got branded.

"Bella, will you please listen to me for just a moment?" he pleads.

With my chest heaving, my mind yells for me to continue on with my escape route, but when I see his almost suffering expression, I stop my movements.

"I didn't mean to scare you. That was so not my intention and if you only knew my intentions, you would understand. I want to apologize for talking to Sue about you. I'm sure that upset you but please know that I've only been speaking to her about you in the best possible way, I… " he says as he scrunches his face and rubs the back of his neck. "I confided in her and told her everything. I mean, she's known all along… I mean I told her that I had noticed you at the bus stop and that you had the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen, but there's even more to it, so much more that you don't even know about, but Bella, I have to fix this. I have to make things right. We can't have this between us. I was so happy that I ran into you earlier that I felt like it was… I don't even know… I felt like it was… something more…"

Inhaling his words, they warm me as they spiral downwards and outwards catching flight along my bloodstream. Turning away, I tug on my hat and a smile splits my face. I laugh as all of the worry that I'd just put myself through falls off of me like heavy shackles to the pavement, freeing me. I laugh from my heart for the first time in I don't know how long and it courses through my body soothing my rawest places.

I've ran from Edward twice in one day and I know I should run again. I know he should run, but I put those thoughts away, at least for now.

Breathing in the chilly air, I turn back towards him and stare up into his hopeful, perplexed face. "Are we okay?" he whispers.

"Yes," I say softly.

He lets loose a shaky laugh.

"Thank you," I say.

His brows draw together as he cocks his head to the side. "What for?"

"For making me smile again."

His face softens. "You lost your smile?" he asks gently, studying my face.

I breathe deeply, a purifying breath, and nod. I used to have so many smiles. So many variations with so many meanings that I effortlessly shared with everyone - especially my closest - but I lost even the most basic one long ago. My smiles have taken on no meaning. It's like my automatic nervous system has been simply doing its job - moving my mouth into a certain shape.

I can see he understands, somehow, his tender, curving lips telling me so. "I feel honored that I was the one to make you smile again," he says, his words squeezing my dead heart.