A hand resting on his shoulder snapped Dean awake with a start. He glanced frantically around the small room, his head spinning, before remembering they were at the hospital, had been for hours. The clock on the wall said 5:30am. A pool of saliva wetted the sheets where his head had been moments before and Dean wiggled his nose in disgust. How long has he been passed out? He couldn't remember.
Everything since finding Cas passed out in his room was kind of a blur. Sam had done most of the work getting Cas up the stairs and into the impala as he'd had his own wound to worry about. The younger Winchester had been strangely quiet during the drive to the hospital and Dean found himself waiting for the moment his brother turned into Ezekiel. But he hadn't. And that only made Dean more uneasy. Something wasn't right.
The doctors had rushed Cas off the second they'd gotten to the hospital, leaving Sam and Dean to pace the waiting room and answer a million questions. There hadn't been much Dean could tell them really, expect that he'd been complaining about seeing double and had passed out after that. Well and that he'd gotten stabbed by a knife a couple days ago. Of course he left out the whole angel part of the scenario.
Several hours later a lady doctor dressed in the normal scrubs had come to tell them it appeared Cas have a foreign substance in his blood, messing with his nervous system, they'd managed to get him stabilized but they'd been unable to figure out just how to counteract it yet. She'd then said they could go see him but at this point shouldn't get their hopes up.
And right there Dean felt his heart sink, anger swell in his chest like a balloon. And he'd lost it. Yelling at her to do her damn job and making threats he didn't even understand until Sam had finally calmed him down. Pulling him into his solid embrace and insisting that Cas would be just fine. And he needed to calm down or they would get kicked out.
That had finally knocked a bit of sense into him.
Every step he'd took down that hallway had felt like hell all over again. There was an unbearable pain in his chest yet at the same time he felt numb, like none of this was real.
Dean had tried to act casual, hanging out at an acceptable distance for the bed, though if he was being completely honest he'd wanted so bad to wrap his arms around Cas and kiss him and tell him just how much he meant to him. Because now he might never be able to do any of those things and it was all his fault.
He'd finally broke down and cried, not messy and loud like Sam, but the way he always did. Silent tears and heart felt promises and regret mumbled under his breath as he wiped his wet face multiple times to hid the evidence of his emotional weakness.
Sam has stayed for a bit to comfort him than excused himself to allow Dean some privacy.
He didn't know how long he'd sat there, arms on the bed, pleading with Cas to get better, to stay, for him. Because they were family, and maybe they could even be more. All the while doctors and nurses rushed about, working around him like he wasn't even there.
At some point he'd passed out from pure exhaustion.
Dean turned blurry eyes to the tall man standing next to him, hand still rested lightly on his shoulder. "Sam." he croaked out, rubbing the sleep from his face with his sleeve.
"I brought you coffee, dark and nasty, just the way you like it." Sam set the styrofoam cup down on the small night stand next to the bed and slumped into the empty chair beside Dean. He looked as tired and worn out as Dean felt.
"Thanks, Sammy." he muttered, too groggy to come up with a snappy retort. Grabbing the coffee, Dean sipped on the hot liquid, smiling a bit as he did so. Cas' hand sure felt good in his, nice and warm and... Dean jerked his hand back self consciously, glancing sadly at Sam as if his little brother could somehow fix this. Sam sighed softly.
"He's going to pull through, Dean. He always does."
Yeah, sure, when he'd been an angel. But now Cas was human and vulnerable, mortal; just like them.
Dean rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to straighten in the uncomfortable chair, everything ached from laying in such an awkward angle for hours.
"It's just... I can't loose him again." Dean finally replied.
Sam nodded in understanding, then it suddenly occurred to him... Dean and Cas... were together... Dean had been talking about being in love. And how this one was different, well Cas certainly qualified as different. Dean's eyes widened when he caught the gleam for realization in his little brother hazel eyes. Please don't say it...
"It's Cas!" he announced proudly, making Dean start in surprise at the force of his voice. "Cas is the 'no one' you were getting all worked up about yesterday. Oh my god, Dean. You love him?" Sam paused. "You're in love with him?"
Oh dear lord!
Hell no! Dean wanted to insist, but the words died on his lips. Faced with actually loosing Cas, again, made him less certain about a lot of things he'd once taken for granted. Still though, no! Right? Well... maybe...
Feeling his cheeks flush, Dean glanced quickly at Cas who was still out cold, his chest causing the sheets to rise and fall steady as he breathed. The color of his skin had improved a little - that was a good sigh right? - and the way his dark tousled hair was in his face and sprawled out on the pillow beneath his head made Dean feel things he couldn't quite explain.
"We're not..." he swallowed, not sure what to say. "Me and him aren't... it's not serious, we were just messing around mostly. Look, Sam. He might not even make it. You heard what the doctor said..." Dean clenched his first angrily.
"He'll make it." Sam said firmly, looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding slowly. "And if you two ever do want to become serious, that would be totally cool with me. You know that, right?"
"Please, Sam." Dean snorted. "Like I need your permission to date someone."
Utterly ridiculous! He didn't care what Sam thought about him and Cas, because there was no him and Cas...
Yet as Sam patted his shoulder and got up, saying something about going to get food - if you could call half of what Sam eat 'food' - Dean couldn't deny he felt a huge burden lift from him. Maybe they could be a happy family, together.
With a quick shake of his head Dean dismissed the idea. Sadly their line of work didn't leave room for things like family, or normalcy or even happiness most of the time.
Something soft and warm brushed over his knuckles. "D-Dean?"
His heart leaping, Dean instantly placed a hand on Cas' stomach to sooth him without even realizing what he was doing. "Yeah, I'm here, it's okay."
Cas peered at him with blue eyes half covered with lids heavy from an over abundance of meds. Those eyes were so beautiful, even dull and glazed over as they were. It was like he was staring at the night sky, full of sparkling stars. Unable to control himself, longing to do something, Dean gripped Cas' hand and gave an encouraging squeeze.
Words couldn't describe all the emotions churning in his stomach. Cas was alive! And awake!
He probably should call one of the nurses in but he really wanted a moment alone with Cas.
"How ya feelin', buddy?"
"Tired." Cas whispered hoarsely, he lightly squeezed Dean's hand back. A flutter in his chest made Dean inhale sharply. Why did that little gesture send shivers down his back?
"Where are we?" Cas slowly surveyed the room, trying half heartedly to sit up.
"Take it easy." Dean moved his hand to Cas' shoulder and gently held him down. "You're in the hospital. You almost died."
"Why are you here?" Cas asked softly, sighing as he sagged back against the mattress.
The question hurt, causing guilt to rise and swallow him whole all over again. Perhaps he'd never be able to regain what they'd had. Cas no longer trusted him and he couldn't blame him one bit.
"Because you're family, Cas." Dean turned away in shame. He hadn't been treating the former angel like family at all lately.
"Cas, I'm so sorry for making you leave the bunker." Dean blurted, trying to ease his guilty mind yes, but underneath that was the deeper yearning to tell Cas just how much he meant to him. How just seeing him smile made Dean's heart soar like nothing else could. And that he wanted Cas to stay, with them, with him. "I want you to know I care about you, and I didn't want to kick you out. Shit happened, and I freaked out. But it had nothing to do with you."
Cas didn't answer but Dean felt him shift on the bed and fingers rake loosely through his hair. And somehow he knew, that gesture, small as it may be, was Cas' way of letting him know everything was forgiven.
His eyes darting up to meet Cas' steady gaze, Dean ran his hand down Cas' clothed arm, feeling the muscles tense as Cas' inhaled a sharp breath. Pausing for a moment, Dean gave him a questioning look, his hand twitched with nerves. Yet he didn't dare move, didn't dare breathe.
The ex angel chewed on his bottom lip, making a little noise of something in the back of his throat, blue eyes studying every square inch of Dean's face. Finally he sighed, relaxing as he let his eyelids flutter shut.
Dean released a shaky breath of his own, letting some of his concern go with it. He let his hand wander down Cas' side tenderly, surprised by how comforting it felt just to touch someone, without trying to get in their pants. Not that he would be complaining if things did go that route... Cas arched his back slightly when Dean let his hand caress the inside of his thigh. Dean swallowed hard. It would so easy to move his hand over and rub him between his legs, and he had a blanket covering him so that wouldn't even really be touching him, right?
But he didn't, and the fact that Cas was a man didn't even cross his mind in that moment. No, all he could think about was if Cas' rejected his affectations he'd never be able to handle it.
"Thank you." murmured Cas after a moment.
"For what?" Dean asked in surprise, his hand slipping reluctantly to the bed.
"For coming back."
Tears threatened to spill from Dean's eyes once more and he quickly blinked them away. "Yeah, well. Someone's got to take care of your dumb ass."
Cas opened his mouth to answer but just then one of the monitors by the bed started beeping and before Dean could process this new threat half a dozen people in scrubs were surrounding them, shoving Dean out of the way.
One of the male nurses jabbed a needle into Cas' arm, making him flinch. Anger flared in Dean's gut. There was no need to be rough. They weren't in god damn prison here.
"What's going on?" Dean demanded worriedly as he was pushed back.
"Sir, we're going to need you to leave the room." a woman who appeared in her forties with short brown hair said firmly.
"What's wrong?" Dean asked again.
"Sir, please."
"Dean..." Cas' eyes widened in fear as they locked with Dean's, he struggled to get up but the male nurse held him down, saying something the hunter couldn't quite hear.
Dean's chest clenched painfully, he hated to see Cas scared and he yearned to comfort him but he was being manhandled towards the door.
"Dean!" Cas all but cried his name, panic evident in his raspy voice. "Don't leave!" Dean felt his heart shatter into tiny little pieces, the words piercing through him like a knife, but he managed to remain calm on the outside, for Cas' sake. I'm not leaving.
"It's okay, Cas." Dean fought against the hands firmly escorting him to the exit. He had to at least try to convey to Cas that he wasn't going to abandon him this time. "I'll be right outside. Everything is fine."
The last thing he saw was Cas' frightened face, blue eyes frantically trying to keep Dean in their sight, before the door slammed shut in his face.
Dean pressed his forehead against the door, pounding his fist weakly on the door, his eyes squeezed shut against a sea of emotions threading to unravel from deep within as he mumbled; whispered really. "Damn it, Castiel... I love you."
"Don't leave me..." Cas tried to yell as the door was abruptly closed, yet he couldn't get the words out as much more than a choked whisper. All he wanted in this moment was Dean, next to him, preferably touching him. He'd like that, a lot, it had felt comforting, safe, good; really good. Now all Cas felt was lost as he glanced fearfully at the people standing way too close for comfort.
He didn't understand what was happening, strangers were on all sides of him, prodding him, asking questions, telling him it would be okay. He couldn't talk around pressure in his chest, his heart was beating much too fast. At least that's what he thought, he'd barely gotten used to the feeling of having a heartbeat to begin with. Sweat poured down his face and neck, though he shivered with cold at the same time. Being human was overwhelming, scary, and he wished Dean were here to answer his dumb questions.
One of the ladies grabbed his shaking hand. "Look at me." Cas slowly turned to look her in the eyes. Her eyes were brown and she seemed nice enough, mild concern etched into her soft features as she told him to relax. The hand holding his was gentle, warm, meant to be comforting. If he closed his eyes enough that his lashes starting blurring his vision he could almost pretend her eyes were green, hair much shorter, blonder, and that the hand gripping his was rougher, bigger, stronger... Dean.
The woman's lips were moving, but he couldn't hear the words, come to think of it; he couldn't hear anything, all the sound seemed to have vanished. It was like watching a movie on mute, he knew there should be noises but they couldn't be heard so he was left to guess.
Cas tried to tell her he didn't understand, he felt his lips open, but he couldn't be certain he'd actually said anything.
His chest hurt, making it hard to breathe, causing him to hyperventilate in a frantic attempt to get air into his oxygen starved lungs. Was this what dying felt like? When April has killed him it had been quick, like falling asleep. This was slow, torturous.
The edges of his vision turned black.
Pretty soon there was nothing but empty darkness.
So he'd just admitted out loud he loved Cas, no one had heard him, but it didn't really matter. He'd said it, felt it in his being, everything Sam had said, damn his brother! He didn't want to love Cas. Everyone Dean had ever loved left him or died and now Cas was going to die too.
Dean rushed down the hall, headed for the cafeteria, apologizing as he went to the people he bumped into. He had to find Sam.
He found Sam sitting at one of the tables in a corner by himself, a plate of what was presumably leaves and twigs resting uneaten in front of him.
"What is it, Dean?"
Sitting heavily across from his brother, Dean hunched down, keeping his voice low so no one else would hear. "It's, Cas. He woke up, so I thought he was going to be okay, but the monitors started beeping and the doctors came in and made me leave and, Cas looked scared out of his mind. He doesn't understand what's happening, I should be in there with him. If he dies the last thing he's going to remember is I bailed on him, again." the older Winchester ran a hand down his face in defeat. "This is all my fault, Sammy." he bit his lip to keep back the sudden urge to cry.
Sam, who had said nothing during Dean's rant, tilted his head slightly in a very un-Sam-like manner, eyes narrowing while seeming to look through his soul with their intensity.
"Castiel is going to die."
"What?" Dean's pulse quickened as he slowly lifted his gaze to stare with dread into the angel's cold, steady gaze. No, no, no! He couldn't loose Sam too, not now!
"I am sorry, Dean."
"No. No..." Dean shook his head, fighting the urge to grab Ezekiel and beg him not to leave with his brother, demand that he heal Cas, both preferably.
Ezekiel looked thoughtful for a moment before his eyes softened into something that almost appeared to be sympathy. "You love him." it wasn't a question.
The statement hung in the thick air between them.
Finally Dean averted his eyes to the floor, feeling the old yet unmistakable feelings of hopelessness rising up to engulf him. He felt dead inside, face with loosing the only two people he had left what was the point in fighting anymore?
Perhaps he'd never regained his true humanity from the ruined remains that Castiel had raised all those years ago from hell. His body was whole, but not even an angel had been able to completely put back together the shattered pieces of his soul.
"So what if I do?" Dean grumbled darkly, forcing his emotions deep down until they ceased to exist in his awareness. "Don't make a shit bit of difference now."