Love Goes On

Chapter 6: Apologies and Stories

I wake up and feel well rested for the first time in weeks. Tobias is still asleep next to me, his arm draped gently over my waist. I look at the clock and see that it is only five in the morning. I would go back to sleep but I don't want the nightmares that I'm sure will torment me.

I slowly and carefully make my way out of his embrace, so I don't wake him up, and go to the kitchen to get a drink. I sit at the table with the glass of water and bring my knees up to my chest. I think about yesterday again. Part of me is jealous of Christina and Uriah, they don't have to worry about everything I do. There's still a risk of miscarriage and premature labour obviously, and I hope that doesn't happen to them, but it's not as high as my risk.

I know I'm being selfish, I mean, Shauna and Zeke might not ever get the chance to have kids. But after everything I just feel lost, angry, confused… mental.

I don't know how long I've been sitting here, staring at the wall, thinking, when Tobias rushes in looking scared.

"Thank god. You weren't there when I woke up and I got worried." He sits in the chair next to me and holds me in his arms.

"Sorry."

"It's okay. Are you okay, though?"

"Y-yeah."

"Do you want some breakfast?" I nod. "What do you want?"

"Cereal."

He makes us some cereal and we eat it in a comfortable silence.

An hour later Tobias leaves for a meeting after kissing me and telling me to call him if I need anything. I'm sitting on the sofa in my pyjamas. Staring at whatever's on the TV but not really watching it. Until there's a knock on the door anyway. I stand up and go to it. I slowly open it to find everyone I ate dinner with last night, except Tobias, standing on the other side, smiling at me apologetically.

"Tris, I'm sorry. I didn't understand what was happening but I do now. I shouldn't have asked you that. I shouldn't have even mentioned it. I'm just excited to be an uncle and got carried away. I'm sorry I upset you. I knew I should have been careful with everything that's been going on with you recently, I thought it would cheer us all up, I didn't realise the impact something like that could have on you. I'm sorry." Zeke tells me.

"I-it's okay, Z-Zeke."

He hugs me and I hug back before letting them all in. I go back to my spot on the sofa and they all join me, sitting in various places.

"So, how are you, Tris?" Shauna asks.

"F-fine." I really don't want to talk much, and I think they understand that.

"Let's watch a film." Zeke suggests and everyone nods. He puts on a film and they watch it. I just sit and stare, not wanting to pay attention.

After the film Hana asks to speak to me in private. The other's leave, some saying that they will come by tomorrow as they don't have to work. I'm sitting in the same spot as earlier, facing Hana who sits next to me.

"Did your sleeping pills help last night?" I nod. "Good. Are you still stuttering a lot?" I nod again. "I was thinking you could see a speech therapist to help with that. If you don't want to that is fine. It may just go in its own time, but it might help." I shake my head. "Okay. Look, Tris, I know it's hard, hearing that you might not be able to have a healthy baby, but there's still a chance. You still have a chance. I can help you, everyone can help you."

"W-what are the c-chances o-of me h-having a-a healthy b-baby?"

"Well, if you get pregnant I'd say there's about a ten percent chance of not miscarrying or going into premature labour. But that would be if you were pregnant right now, when you've just had a mental breakdown and you haven't been eating much. If you started eating more and got healthy again, that percentage would get bigger. If you kept taking those sleeping pills and got more sleep the chances would get higher. If we woke you up from nightmares and flashbacks sooner they would get higher. Bear in mind that they wouldn't get much higher, I'd say the highest the chances would ever get is about twenty percent. But if you got better than you are now that's a start, we'd just have to help you when you do get pregnant, that's all. Also, if you have one healthy baby if you get pregnant again it's a lot easier since you know what to do for it to be healthy. The chances would still be the same, but it will be easier." I just nod as tears cloud my eyes. "Can I tell you something? Something I haven't told anyone, not even Zeke or Uriah." I nod again. "When I was seventeen I got into an accident. My friends and I were in the training room, throwing knives. My best friend and her boyfriend were messing around with one just as I was going up to them to say goodbye because I had to go and do a shift in the hospital. Her boyfriend accidently stabbed me in the belly. When I woke up in the infirmary the doctor told me that the knife hit one of my ovaries and that they had to remove it. I only had one ovary left and that decreased my chances my fifty percent of getting pregnant. I was devastated. I had wanted kids since I was a little girl. But then I met the man who would become my husband one day, I told him about it, I mean, I had to. He had to know that there was less chance of us having kids if we stayed together. He was great about it though, he was kind and supportive, and he was amazing. Then we got married and on our wedding night we started trying for a baby. It took a year but I finally got pregnant, with Zeke, and he was fine. Then two years later we had Uriah. My chances of having a baby weren't as low as yours are but there was a time when I gave up hope. Multiple times actually. Like after the incident happened. During the year we were trying and nothing was happening. But miracles do happen. And I know after the year you've had you probably don't believe in miracles, but I truly believe that one day you will have a healthy baby in your arms. And you might just have more after that as well."

"D-do you really b-believe that?"

"Yeah, I do." She wraps her arms around me and I lean into her. She's almost like a mum to me with everything that has happened recently. I haven't known her long but she's helped me out a lot, and looked after me when I was at my weakest. I still am weak. To be honest, I don't know when I will be strong again. If I will ever be strong.

"T-thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, Tris. I just want to help."

"W-what happened t-to t-that friend?"

"Well, he keeps apologising to this day, but he doesn't know about the ovary thing and I intend to keep it that way. He wasn't kicked out or anything since it was an accident."

…

When Tobias walks into the apartment he looks tired and bored. I take it the meeting was long and boring. He plops down next to me on the sofa. I'm debating in my mind whether to tell him the chances we have of having a kid.

"How are you feeling?" Tobias asks me.

"Okay. H-how was the m-m-meeting?"

"Long and boring. To be honest I've forgotten most of what we discussed. I don't know why anyone would want to sit in a boring room for a few hours discussing a load of nonsense."

"W-well, now y-you h-have the chance o-of changing the c-c-city for t-the b-better."

"Yeah. Are you sure you're okay? You look like you've been crying."

"Uh. E-everyone came over. Z-Zeke a-a-apolog-gised. B-but Hana spoke t-t-to me."

"What did she say?"

"S-she told m-me t-the chances o-of m-me h-having kids."

"What are they?"

More tears fill my eyes as I look at him.

"T-ten to t-t-twenty percent."

He looks sad but he pulls me into his arms to comfort me.

"Hey, we'll be okay. I promise. We'll have a baby one day, I'll make sure of it." He keeps saying soothing things to me. Over and over again. I keep thinking about what Hana told me. Her story. I have a tiny bit of hope in me but I won't believe it fully until I actually have a healthy baby in my arms. I can't believe it until then. If it happens.

I just can't.

Hey Ravens.

I will update again when I can.

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