Letters from a (Former) Empire

Good day Italy,

First up, I'd like to clarify this - France and I never had sex. And we never will. And stop telling everybody we did. So stop asking, wino bastard. And if I find you in my shower again, Paris will feel such a severe depression that the Eiffel Tower will never stand tall again. If you catch my drift.

Concerning less traumatic topics . . .

I'm glad to hear that you've decided to get a formal education, Italy, though I must ask - why America? Don't you know how low their standards are? Though they have Harvard . . . and Yale . . . and MIT . . . and, well, that's beside the point! Getting a degree in America is almost as bad as not getting one at all. Really, Oxford is so much better than any of that git's universities, no matter what the critics say. What do those snobby old men have on a (former) empire, anyway?

If you ever need some good food, you can ask me. I can make a bloody good Yorkshire pudding, if I do say so myself! And if you dare make a jab at my cuisine or culinary abilities, I'll have an even great initiative to send you food. Just warning you.

So you were the one to take Russia's scarf? Well, that explains things. How smashing, how spectacular, how bloody wonderful! Congratulations!

Now return it.

I don't care how you do it. I don't even care if it costs you your life - sacrifices must be made of the better of the world. Though, this urgent plead will fall short on you, Italy, who can only scream and wave a white flag every time you encounter a spider or rotten pasta. This dire mission is not appropriate for such a flake such as yourself, quite simply.

I've already had my encounter with the brute - he came over the other day with a replacement scarf and a bottle of vodka. And we drank. Quite a lot, I'll admit. I mentioned his scarf, and he said that his older sister had given it to him a long time ago and he was devastated that someone had stolen it. Likely America, since that 'capitalist dog' never really liked him. I was not yet inebriated enough to argue with him, but I was enough to joke that Belarus had probably taken it for masturbation material. Though, I really wasn't joking - that woman is probably the only one that can qualify for a level of insanity deeper than her brother's.

I escaped death by water pipe with a slim margin that night.

I beg of you Italy, for all things good and sane in this world, please return that scarf. Preferably before Russia has another urge to drown his sorrow in Russian water again. Which would be pretty soon given Russia's alcoholic nature.

Really, considering this raging election that's just occurred, I really can't be bothered by demonic Russians hailing from Siberia. A Tory PM and Labour Deputy-PM?

I'm bloody screwed over backwards with dynamite up my arse.

And that prick Cameron went over to America's boss and sprouted some rubbish about 'the importance of the Special Relationship'. As if the former British Empire needs help from the prat whom he used to change diapers for! And, for all it's worth, America probably couldn't help us (not that we need assistance, thank you very much) even if we got down on our knees and begged (not that we ever will). I agree with you Italy - the lad has been quite bothered as of late. He hasn't been quite as chipper at the recent world meetings. And though that usually means well for the overall productivity of the meeting, the whole world seems quite lethargic without America's energy boost. And I'm not sure cookies, milk, and new video games will solve it (not that I've already tried it, where did you get that ridiculous idea?). I'm not really sure what to do. You wouldn't happen to have any suggestions, would you?

Not that I worry for the lad or anything. America has made it quite clear that he doesn't need any help. I'm doing this for the good of the meetings, who seem to be even more unproductive than usual without America's energy to get everyone's attention. That's all there is to it. Nothing else. So don't look into it.

I wish you well and luck. In your current situation, you'll need all the luck you can get.

Cordially,

Arthur Kirkland (a.k.a. The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland)

randomlvr1 wrote this lovely letter, and is of course England in this fic. She is a very good writter from what I've read of her stories. She played the aprt of Arthur perfectly. Please read and review.

Arse- Ass