A/N: So some of this is in Nitori's perspective. I thought you guys might enjoy that. This really was supposed to be originally a whole story entirely from the perspective of Rin, but meh.

also, i kind of hope you guys cry a bit. i cried writing it.

Anyway, this should be the last part.

oh and if you haven't already, you really should listen to the song that goes along with this fic: Nearly Witches by Panic at the Disco. It's especially relevant for this chapter.

XXX

Nitori closed the door. He was drunk, he was high, and ultimately, he was just good. He hadn't felt this good in a long time. No, there was really no drug like Rin Matsuoka. And he had tried them all. He stumbled his way over to the elevator in Haruka's apartment complex. That had been fun.

And, he knew it was only going to get better. Yes, the moment that Haruka walked in the door, Nitori could tell things were going up for him. He knew the look that Haruka wore. He knew that look well.

Yes, this would be the end of Rin's little tryst with Haruka. After so many years, this era was finally coming to an end.

Nitori was certain about all of this, and that was part of what made the drunken high even better.

It was a look that Nitori himself had been on the receiving end of a few times. It was a look that conveyed pity, hate, love, and heartbreak all in a single expression.

Yes, Nitori was certain, Haruka knew. Haruka knew everything.

And as a result, it was clear that Haruka had finally realized that he would never be the one for Rin. And Rin, for as good as he thought of himself, Rin never came down from a high well. Nitori knew it wouldn't be long before he'd hear from Rin again.

Sure enough, Nitori was correct.

But, that didn't last forever.

XXX

Rin looked at Haruka who was standing in their kitchen making their pancakes. Tradition. Warmth. A real home that was his. This was something that Rin had gotten accustomed to. But, the news hit him like a truck, and suddenly he was back lost again. He was back alone again. He was certain that there was no way that he could cover the shock on his face, but he also knew there was no way that Haruka would understand. Still, Rin tried to find the words to explain what he had just received in the email, but he couldn't say them.

"I...I have to go," Rin said suddenly to Haruka.

Haruka turned his attention from the pancakes and looked at Rin confused, "What?"

"I'm sorry, I'll be back later," and Rin went out the door without another word.

"Rin?" Haruka called after Rin. Then, he sighed and shook his head.

Rin walked to the Shinagawa subway station, pulled out a cigarette, and dialed the phone number that was in the email. A man picked up, Rin spoke quickly between hits, "Hi, I'm Rin Matsuoka. You emailed me about -?" Rin couldn't even say the name. He was in too much shock.

"Ah yes, Nitori...the tragedy. His mother is in Tokyo right now, she's staying at the Imperial Palace Hotel in the suite on the top floor. She'd like to speak with you. She has a box of Nitori's things to give you. She's in the suite there. Do you need directions?"

Rin looked at the ground. He knew that suite and he knew that hotel. Memories of Nitori came flooding back to him.

The man on the other end of the phone asked, "Hello?"

And Rin snapped back into reality, or as close as he could get to it, "Sorry. No, I...No. I know where that is. I don't need directions."

The man was silent.

Rin's eyes shut tightly, "Sorry, I just…"

The man's voice was gentle, "I understand. There is no pain in the world worse than losing someone you love."

Rin leaned against one of the poles at the station. He couldn't respond. He was in shock. A million questions and thoughts were going through his head. Nitori was too young...This can't be happening...It's impossible...What happened?

He landed on one, but he couldn't even ask it: Why?

Instead, Rin went with politeness, "Thank you."

But, he wasn't thankful. A small voice in the back of his head said, If it had to happen, I wish I'd never known.

XXX

"You should take this with you too," Rin said, handing Nitori the flask.

"You're serious about this then, Rin?" Nitori asked eyes wide as his small hand wrapped around it, surprised and sickeningly sober and hurt. Or was it just dope-sickness? He It certainly was not that Nitori actually could have possibly been hurt by the prospect of losing Rin. No, that was nothing new.

"I'm sure," Rin's voice was stern. He was serious.

"Are you going to go win back Haruka-chan?" Nitori's voice was poisonous.

But, Rin didn't rise to the bait. He answered Nitori honestly, "No."

"Then, why?"

"Because, like I said last night, I'm too old for this shit."

"And like I said last night, you'll come back to me, Rin. You always do," Nitori couldn't be sure though. He tried to control his voice. Rin Matsuoka could not break his heart. Not again.

Rin shook his head, "Not this time. You deserve better."

Nitori laughed, "That's a good one, Rin. Well, you fucking decide. I'm sure as hell not going to come crawling back to you."

Nitori knew deep down that this was why they'd never work. Nitori loved Rin and every time he told him, the message got garbled. Rin didn't want to actually hear it or actually address it and once the moment passed, Nitori got like this. He got bitter. Somehow, no matter what he had been through in all these years with Rin, Nitori had never given up his pride.

Rin didn't respond. Any response would have only made things worse.

And so, Nitori took the belongings standing next to him in the doorway and he left. He didn't say anything else to Rin, and Rin didn't stop him. Nitori sighed deeply. This hadn't gone as planned. But, what in life ever did?

He went to the lobby of the Imperial Palace Hotel and found their private bathroom. He needed a fix. He needed something to get him straight. He vomited into the toilet. Then, he sat down on the toilet for a minute, gathering enough energy to pull out his paraphernalia.

As he reached in his bag, he saw his cellphone. To satisfy his curiosity, he looked at his phone and was surprised to learn how much time had gone by since he had been locked in the hotel room with Rin. More than a month was gone. It felt like it hadn't even been a week. There were no messages on his phone, which didn't come as a surprise. There was no one in the world who missed him or needed him or anything. And that was how he liked it.

He started to close it when he saw and email from his mother. He felt a pang of guilt which confirmed that he definitely needed a fix.

The email was short. They always were. He wondered why she had never given up on him. A mother never gives up on her son, that's what she would say when he used to ask that in high school, and sure enough, she never had. His father long ago had. But, she still tried to reach out.

Strangely, it included an invitation for him to come home. He actually gave it some thought. He started to type out a yes, thinking I'll just get straight, then I'll go catch a train. This time it'll be different. This time, I'll be different.

But, he saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror. His eyes were sunken, his lips were dry, he cheeks protruded, and his hair was thin. When he imagined himself, he imagined himself at 18. He imagined himself still looking as he did in boarding school, a confident, cocky jock. For a minute, he'd forgotten. The skin he walked in was no longer his own.

He started to lose his nerve. He looked at the syringe in his bag. He knew he'd get straight. But, what else did he have? Where else could he go? And so, something powered him enough to write that he'd be there in a few hours.

XXX

Rin got off the train and was at the familiar station in downtown Tokyo. He hadn't been over here in years. That's the funny thing about living in a city. You'd think that because they are small, you'd see the same places all the time, but you fall into habits. You're lucky if you leave the five block radius around your apartment. And besides, Rin spent most of his time with Haruka out of the city. He spent most of it in the countryside.

The storefronts had changed, but Rin didn't notice that. He was walking around downtown Tokyo as it looked in the past. Every black car that drove by reminded him of the one that Nitori had brought him over here on the day that he had been scouted in college. His eyes fell on the Imperial Palace Hotel, and he could hear Nitori's voice, "I know it's not a real vacation, but...I'm really happy for you, Rin."

Rin opened the door to the hotel. Their decorations were the same. He went over to the check-in desk. He remembered being drunk with Nitori after his breakup with Haruka.

"The top suite," Rin slurred throwing his black Amex down on the counter. He didn't even notice the other families that he had cut in front of with Nitori.

The person behind the desk looked troubled, "S-sir, I'm going to have to ask you to go to the back of the line…"

"Don't you know who we are?" Nitori laughed, "Have someone get our bags and send up champagne."

The girl behind the desk looked horrified.

Rin was the one who spoke next, his tone was different than usual, but his patience was thin and he wanted to escape with Nitori, and he wanted a good fuck, "Hey. We're trying to have a fucking reunion here, bitch. Don't make me call your manager. Get it started."

"H-how long will you be staying?"

"As long as we want. Just put the card on file and hand us the keys," Rin's hand went down Nitori's back, causing Nitori to arch, "and hurry it up."

Rin felt a bit guilty remembering that, but he had tipped her well, so he supposed it turned out okay. He walked over to the desk and spoke with the attendant, "I'm here to see," he couldn't even finish the sentence, but his attention was drawn away when another woman called after him.

"Rin Matsuoka," she was shorter than Rin had remembered her, "I don't know if you remember me, but I'm Nitori's mother…"

"I do," was all he could say.

Her expression was tired. She was much older, and RIn was certain that losing her son had only added to her age, "I'm sorry to trouble you and have you come here, I just...I think Nitori would have wanted you to have this."

She pulled him over to one of the couches in the lobby. The box was small in her hands was small. She sat beside him and transferred the box to him. Her eyes were puffy, she had obviously been crying, but she seemed happy to see Rin, "Thank you for always being such a good friend to him. I think you were probably the best influence he ever had in his life."

This hurt Rin a lot. He wondered if she had known what had gone on between them or how it ended. He doubted it, but he knew that Nitori had always been close with his mother.

"He was always chattering about you back then," her voice wavered a bit.

Rin put a hand on her shoulder, trying to console her.

"S-sorry," She raised a hand to apologize.

Rin didn't say anything.

"I know that you and Nitori weren't speaking," she began.

Rin's expression darkened and he started to pull his hand back, unsure where the conversation was going.

"I don't blame you for that, I understand how he was," she quickly stated, realizing how it sounded, "I just meant, I thought, I thought you might want to know what happened."

Rin's expression softened, he nodded urging her to continue.

"He...came home a few years ago. December 20th, three years ago," she went on.

Rin knew that date, that was the date that he checked out of the Imperial Palace Hotel.

"I...I was so happy he came home. I called him back for New Years, but I never thought he'd come home. He was strung out, and I confiscated everything. It wasn't the first time we had tried this, and his father was less than happy, but, I thought we had to give it another chance. He was sober for three years, things had started to get better. His father even managed to come around about having him home again," there was some light in her eyes as she talked about this, "I thought that I had found him again. I thought my boy was finally back again. He enrolled in some college classes. I think he regretted dropping out so many years ago. We even started to travel again."

"And one month ago, when I went in to tell him that dinner was ready, he was gone. In his place, there was a note on his bed. The note just said 'I'm sorry.'"

Rin's eyes widened, thinking the worst. But, her story wasn't over yet.

She paused, wiping her nose with a handkerchief, and her voice shook, "I didn't know what to think, obviously. But, we always knew it was a possibility, maybe it was something we expected from him. I don't know why, but I guess, even I never fully believed in him. Somehow, even I knew it was just a hopeless dream.

"We reported him missing of course, but heard nothing. Nitori didn't want to be found. Later that week, I went to my safe in the closet to get out one of my necklaces, because my husband and I were going to a dinner at a friend's that night, and it was emptied. My husband checked his accounts and sure enough Nitori was back here in Tokyo again doing God knows what," her voice cracked.

Rin put the box down on the ground beside his feet, and pulled her into a hug. This was all knew information for him, there were so many questions that he had, but he knew it wasn't his place.

When she was ready, she continued, "Anyway, my husband cut him off then, and I couldn't even fight with him about it anymore. I sent Nitori one email, but he never responded," her voice changed for the next part of the story. Thus far, it had been soft, gentle and broken, for the rest, it was cold and distant. Far off, like she herself couldn't accept that the words were true. It sounded like she was giving a police report, "A week ago, he was found dead in his apartment in Shinjuku, choked on his own vomit. His cellphone was in his hand."

She stopped. And Rin gave her another embrace. Rin had been trying not to cry, he had been trying so hard not to cry, but he felt guilty and it was even worse being here with Nitori's mom.

She added, "I think we failed him in the end. I think it's all really our fault."

Rin shook his head, "No. You tried your best. I'm sure Nitori knew that too."

He consoled her as best he could, and then he took the box and went to walk the streets of Tokyo.

XXX

Nitori was drunk. It had been literally years since he had been this drunk. He had found himself this shit apartment when he fled his parents house, and he somehow had managed to keep himself from the dope, but he wanted alcohol. He had gone to a liquor store and bought several types. He mostly had kept himself under control, but he wasn't happy. This hadn't gone the way he had expected it to, not this trip, not his life, not anything, and tonight, tonight he was determined to be drunk.

He'd spent three years running away from his problems. Yes, sure, he had been sober, yes, sure, he had gone home and been the good son, but he wasn't clean. No, you are not clean, until you face your demons. And all of Nitori's demons lived in Tokyo. That was how he had ended up here. He had originally come here to face his demons. He had come here to prove once and for all that he could take money and not spend it on chemical happiness.

Or had he taken it to get high? Not that it had mattered. Here he was and he hadn't bought anything, well, he'd bought alcohol. But, for Nitori that hardly counted.

He looked around his room. The place was practically barren. He had a desk, his cellphone, and his bed. There were some empty bottles of beer and there was a big bottle of champagne that was empty. All of that he had drunk within the last few hours on a mostly empty stomach. He hadn't be able to feel the alcohol. It was like he wasn't able to get drunk, and so instead of just accepting that and being the good son and going home, he kept drinking.

He wanted to escape. He wanted to be free from the shit back home. He wanted to be free from his parents disappointing looks. He wanted to be free from the knowledge that Rin was never going to call him again. The nightmares with that knowledge haunted him. Most of all though, he was alone. He was absolutely alone in the world and he would never have anyone. He'd always known this. But, he thought that it'd eventually become something he could look back on. No, he had failed. Nitori had had opportunities that most people could never have and he had squandered them all.

Stealing from the safe was no different. Now even his Mom was sure to believe he was hopeless. Had he been trying to prove that?

Nitori wondered why he wasn't drunk. Wasn't alcohol supposed to make you forget? Why wasn't it? And so he kept drinking.

He drank until it was out of his control. And then, it was simply too late.

A thousand thoughts went through his mind. This is what happens when you get drunk enough. He cried, he laughed, he thought about how alone he was, and then, he laughed again. And then, he didn't think anything. The room spun and he could hardly keep his head up.

He laid down on his bed and felt nauseous. He knew what was coming and he knew that he should go over to the bathroom to do it, but he couldn't find the energy to move. He vomited all over the bed and himself. He couldn't smell it or taste it, he was too drunk. He laid in it for a bit.

He started to black out.

Is this it? Is this the end? Am I finally going to be free?

Suddenly, he felt immense regret. He realized for the first time ever that not only were his problems his own fault, but that he could fix them himself.

He just had to let go of his pride.

He just had to make one phone call.

If he made that phone call everything could be better.

He reached for his phone that was sitting on the desk next to his bed. He took it into his hand.

He steadied himself. And he felt the nausea hit him again. He threw up a second time and his head fell. He couldn't keep it up. It weighed too much.

Everything hurt, but he pushed further.

He turned on the phone, and his head went to the side. He was on the verge of blackout.

Just a bit more.

The phone beeped on, and Nitori spent all of his energy trying to get his coordination to work with him.

Don't black out.

Just a bit more.

Just find Rin's name.

The names were all fuzzy on the screen. Everything was fuzzy. He found it though. Nitori dialed the number. He heard the rings.

He thought about what he would say as his eyes started to close, and he continued to vomit.

Rin, I want to see you. I want to be with you. I want us to try doing this right. And I don't care what you say. You have to give me a chance. Just one chance.

The ringing stopped, and while there was darkness, Nitori continued to fight. He had to live. He had to live long enough to make the words reach Rin. His lips moved and sounds came out.

"Rrrrrin...Rin…" he coughed from the vomit.

It was so dark though. And it was hard. And eventually, Nitori couldn't fight back anymore. He was simply gone.

XXX

Rin didn't pick up the phone that night. Rin didn't pick up because the call never went through. Nitori hadn't been able to dial it. When he was found, his hand simply rested on the phone. There were no calls placed to anyone.

XXX

Rin walked the streets around the imperial hotel for a long time. He walked for miles. He didn't open the box.

He ended up in front of his old apartment building near Tokyo University somehow. He sat down on a bench near it. His phone had buzzed several times and Rin was certain that there were quite a few texts from Haruka, but he ignored them all. He scrolled down to a different number and dialed it.

While he waited for the other man to join him, Rin decided to finally open the box. Inside he found two bottles of Nitori's Guerlain cologne, a flask, and a journal. Rin sprayed it and closed his eyes. He was suddenly back in their dorm room, and it was their first day meeting each other. They were drinking from the predecessor to this flask back in their old room.

A tear went down Rin's face and it finally hit him that Nitori was gone.

Still, he forced himself to continue. Nitori's mother's voice echoed in his head, and he knew, Nitori would have wanted me to at least look. He would have wanted to me to acknowledge this.

The final object surprised him, he had never thought of Nitori as someone to keep a journal. Rin assumed that it may have had something to do with Nitori's attempt at recovery, but he was proven wrong. It seemed to be something that Nitori had kept for much longer. When Rin opened the cover of it, the first thing that he found inside was a photo of himself. It was his old roommate card.

Rin skimmed through the entries until he was joined by Nagisa.

XXX

"So what's up? What kind of emergency is this?" Nagisa asked Rin.

The two of them were sitting at their old ramen stand, and Rin ordered a beer, he didn't know how to explain it, but he began, "Something...something really terrible happened.

"I...I haven't figured out how to talk to Haruka yet about it, and I figured I'd talk to you first and then, maybe, I wouldn't have to talk to Haruka about it. It could just be our little secret."

Nagisa raised an eyebrow. He didn't like the way that this sounded, "What happened?"

"Nitori's dead," somehow, what he had struggled earlier to tell Haruka, to at least give Haruka an explanation for where he was going, he could lay out easily for Nagisa. Well, maybe that wasn't entirely true. Rin was still not sure that he had accepted it.

Nagisa looked shocked. But, then his expression hardened and he sighed, "You are going to have to talk to Haruka about this."

"Dammit," Rin sighed, he knew that. Deep down he did, but he didn't want to. It was going to be a tough conversation, "I knew that...I just...I wanted to talk to you first, I don't want to say something stupid to him."

Nagisa nodded, "I know what you mean. But, Rin, you probably will."

Rin frowned.

"But, you still have to talk to him, that's what being in a relationship is. It's working through problems together," Nagisa emphasized the last word.

Rin nodded. He knew all of that, but it was a lot easier to be in a relationship with Haruka before this had happened.

"How do you feel about it?"

"It's complicated," Rin answered. The answer was honest.

Nagisa took a bite of the egg in his ramen, "And?"

"I just...I wish Nitori had talked to me. I wish I hadn't ended things the way that I did. I threw him out, but I mean...from what his Mom said, and from what he wrote, he was doing well for awhile. I think, maybe if he had contacted me when things went south, maybe this wouldn't have happened," Rin choked up a bit. He tried hard to push these emotions away, but it was Nitori.

"Don't think about it that way," Nagisa sighed, "Rin, Nitori was always a bad influence on you. Getting him out of your life was the best thing you ever did for yourself, and I think that it was good overall for him too."

"Fuck you, Nagisa."

Nagisa spoke softly and carefully, for a minute, he had forgotten that Nitori was such a sore subject. It was hard for Nagisa to balance both his loyalties to Rin and his loyalties to Haruka, "You know I'm right. If you hadn't thrown him out, you wouldn't have ever gotten back together with Haruka."

"I...I...I know that...I just...I wish there could have been some way to make them both happy, some way where it didn't happen like this."

Nagisa frowned, "Only Nitori himself could have done that part differently."

XXX

Shortly after his conversation with Nagisa, Rin went home to face the music with Haruka. Rin opened the door, with the box in hand. Rin's expression was empty, "Haru…"

Haruka looked up from the couch at Rin, "Where the hell have you been? I've been so worried. You just went off and you didn't answer your phone."

"I'm sorry," Rin said softly. He was still having trouble handling the information himself.

"Well?"

Rin sat down next to him, "There's...there's something I have to tell you."

Haruka looked long and hard at Rin. Something about the redhead was off, and Haruka couldn't place it. But, then he realized, he had seen this expression before. It was the same expression that Rin made when he felt like he'd done something wrong. Haruka sighed, he closed his eyes and then, he asked, "Did you cheat?"

"What?! No!" Rin exclaimed, offended that Haruka would ask that. They were so far past that point in their relationship, "No, of course not."

Haruka raised a brow and looked confused at Rin, "Then, what?"

"It's Nitori," Rin said, resting his forehead in his hands.

Haruka felt his body tighten and his hands clenched into fists.

"He's dead, Haru," Rin's voice was hollow.

Haruka didn't ask for any explanations beyond that. Haruka's eyes narrowed, and he instinctively put an arm around Rin. The two sat in silence for awhile.

"You loved him," Haruka said finally, "he was your first love, so, of course, you'd be upset."

"No. I loved you first, Haruka," Rin sighed, and then, he added softly, "but he -" Rin sighed, "It's complicated."

Haruka closed his eyes hard, "What happened?"

"I...I don't know. It's hard to say. He choked on his own vomit, but…" Rin's voice cracked and broke.

Haruka frowned.

Rin continued when he could, his voice cracked again, and he did something of a laugh as a result, he was trying to prevent himself from crying, "I...I think he probably killed himself that night. I mean, not directly, but I just... I read his journals and I just...he was doing so much better and then, something in him broke. His psychiatrist or something contacted me. That's how I found out, and then, I went to see his mother, and I just, I can't, Haruka. I just can't believe it. I never thought, I mean. I didn't think I'd see him again, I just didn't think he'd die either."

Haruka let out a long, hard sigh.

Rin's eyes were closed and there were tears in them, "It's my fault...I shouldn't have thrown him out."

Haruka bit his the inside of his lower lip. This was a difficult position for him to be in. He hadn't wanted Rin to be around Nitori. He thought that Nitori was a horrible influence on Rin and vice versa. Besides, he couldn't trust the two of them together. Nitori had sunk into Rin in ways that Haruka had a hard time competing with. But, he hadn't wanted Nitori to die either. No one would ever hope for it to turn out this way. He spoke in an almost whisper, "It's not your fault, Rin."

Rin put his head on Haruka's shoulder, "No, I know, but...I just…"

Haruka embraced him, "You should go visit his grave, Rin."

Rin nodded.

"If you want me to come, I can."

Rin sobbed a bit more loudly, his head was still on Haruka's shoulder, "Haru...I'm so sorry. I...I didn't want to put you in this position."

Haruka closed his eyes, "It's not your fault Rin."

XXX

The next day, Rin went to see Nitori's grave. On the ride over, a song came on the radio by Panic at the Disco. It was an old song. Rin remembered hearing it back when he was in boarding school. Rin sang along to it softly.

Ever since we met

I only shoot up with your perfume

It's the only thing

That makes me feel as good as you do

Ever since we met

I've got just one regret to live through

And that one regret is you

When they arrived, Rin told Haruka to sit in the car. Haruka obeyed. Rin brought the bottle of cologne with him to the grave from the box. Nitori's parents had put a bench up, and over all, it was a pretty place. It was right under a cherry blossom tree and peaceful. Rin sat for a moment. He closed his eyes and sprayed the cologne in the air. Rin thought back to when Nitori had stayed with him. Rin sighed.

"What the hell were you thinking? Why didn't you call me?" He asked out loud.

There was no response, of course. A soft breeze went by though.

And so, Rin cried. Time went by. He didn't know, or even care how long it was. He just kept crying.

Finally, he collected himself, and he said, "I'm sorry I did this to you...I...it wasn't supposed to be this way."

After that, at last, he walked back to the car, and found Haruka sitting in the passenger seat face forward with his eyes closed. He slowly turned his head and looked over at Rin. He didn't say anything he waited for Rin to speak.

Rin smiled, "Thank you."

Rin leaned over and kissed Haruka on the cheek. Haruka nodded, and Rin rested his head on Haruka's shoulder, and soon after, the two of them went home.

XXX

A/N:

welp that's it. did you cry? i cried.

you guys should know, my favorite part of this entire story is the scene where haruka asks rin if he cheated. it was the first one i wrote, when i began this.