Nobody's saint
Poppy took care of Remus' cut with a few quick spells and touches, and then send him away.
"I feel like telling you to go outside and play. But really, we have so few free days. Don't spent that much time with Severus, his work ethic is contagious and not very healthy."
Remus couldn't help but agree, thank her and decided to take half of her good advice. The days were going by fast, but for him that also meant that the time to accomplish his goal of brewing wolfsbane and seducing Severus was running up. So he collected his books and quill from his rooms and occupied the large table in the orchard.
With the chapters on Herba ferrum and Salvia elegans before him the time went by quickly, and the house-elves chased him away to set the table. Half an hour later he returned to a beautifully laid-out table and took a chair next to Minerva. Even Severus had come out of his lab, sitting next to Albus and involving him in a rather intense discussion on the molecular properties of Herba ferrum extracts. Or something like that.
Remus tried to listen and learn, but if he was honest with himself he didn't understand half of what they were saying. He only picked up on the fact that they didn't agree on something apparently important, and he enjoyed listening to Albus gently mocking Severus for furiously defending an approach apparently shared only by a minority of potion masters overall. Smiling Remus concentrated on his food and then questioned Pomona Sprout on the growth phases of certain plants. She was amused about his new passion for Herbology, but indulged him willingly with her knowledge.
"Sometimes I think our house-elves try to feed us all into obesity."
Minerva eyed the selection of sweets that had just appeared on the table with thinly veiled delight.
"The Panna cotta is especially delicious. Severus?"
Albus picked up a small glass bowl and held it into Severus' direction. But the potions master had been lost in thought, and startled when he heard his name. Shaking his head he waved Albus' hand away.
"No, thank you."
He quickly hid a yawn behind his hands. It hadn't bypassed Remus that he had grown silent the longer the dinner lasted, eating almost nothing and nursing a single glass of white wine. As soon as the dessert was gone he pushed his chair back and rose.
"If you'll excuse me."
Albus nodded and patted his arm.
"Of course. Go to bed. Did you get any sleep last night?"
Severus tried to answer, but whatever he had planned to say got lost in another yawn he hid in his hands.
"Apparently not. Go, you're not useful when you're that tired."
Nodding duly Severus tapped the table once with his left fist, and left.
With the twilight giving way to darkness the atmosphere at the table got more and more relaxed. With a single hadnmotion Albus placed small shining orbs into the trees, and the whole orchard suddenly twinkled in the night. Minerva filled their glasses with sticky lemon liquor she had brought from Rome, and especially Albus took an instant liking to the sugary alcohol. It wasn't quite to Remus taste, but it fitted well with the Panna cotta and the laughter underneath the fruit trees.
Adding to the general amusement and fueled by lemon liquor Minerva started to share some of her best anecdotes of several decades of serving as Head of Gryffindor. Remus was halfway amused and halfway mortified. He hadn't been aware of Minerva knowing everything about their little affairs and love adventures, and his ears stayed warm even though he joined into the general laughter. On the other hand he himself knew a lot more than his students would find appropriate, too, as was the curse of any teacher.
The laughter seemed to float around the table in waves, and the twinkling orbs in the trees matched perfectly with the starts glittering above them.
It was almost midnight when the lightness of the atmosphere was disturbed. Nobody had heard Severus coming, but suddenly a pale hand was placed on Albus' shoulder lightly and the candles on the table cast long shadows on him, still half-hidden in the shadows.
Dressed entirely in black he blended in perfectly with the darkness surrounding the table. The smell of burnt flesh hit Remus like a wave. He didn't need to look twice to understand what was going on, and the laughter at the table died quickly.
"Albus, a moment, if you please."
Without hesitating a second Albus got up, and followed Severus out of the immediate surroundings of the table. They spoke for a moment, still being the focus of everybody's attention, although they were too far away for anybody to understand their words.
Remus had never seen Severus or any other high-ranked Death Eater in their full regalia. He was used to Severus all in black, of course, but even his academic robes were light-weight, slim cut although they tended to billow around him. They hid his body perfectly, but they didn't do much to enhance his already impressive persona.
These robes were different. Heavy and visibly luxurious fabrics were artfully draped around him, the long cloak fastened to his shoulders in a complicated fashion. The large hood was still down and he held a pair of thin black leather gloves in his hand. Small details drew the eye of the beholder and led one to the conclusion that the robes were a clear sign of the wealth of their occupant. Small polished buttons gleamed in the light and the complicated draping of the fabric probably made it a pain to put on. The cloak wasn't made of entirely black fabric but rather of a delicately weaved texture, with ornamental decorations and an endlessly swirling complicated pattern.
There was not a hint of skin visible besides Severus' face and hands, and Remus knew that both would be covered soon as well. On a second glance he realized that Severus must have taken the bandage off his right wrist.
For a moment everybody watched Albus speak without being able to pick out his words. Severus said only few words, and nodded. Then they moved even further away from the table, walking together towards the Great Portal. Straining his ears to catch a part of their conversation Remus could only hear the hem of Severus' heavy cloak softly brushing over the grass. He moved differently, even, slightly straighter, still with grace but also with a certain controlled power that was nothing but a thinly veiled threat. Remus wouldn't want to meet him in the dark alone, and yet somehow it was tempting, as every good evil had to be.
Then they stood in front of the portal for a moment, Albus suddenly small compared to Severus. They watched Severus put on the gloves, pull up the wide hood hiding his face. For a second something silver gleamed in the light from the lamps fixed to the Portal.
Suddenly they felt a tiny twist in the magical atmosphere surrounding them, and then Severus was gone.
When Albus returned nobody had refreshed the conversation again. In complete silence he sat down and picked his glass of wine up. It was Minerva who spoke first.
"And that tonight when he was so tired. It's good he could disapparate from the portal."
Albus nodded, swirling the wine in his glass.
"He can't pick when he's summoned. Tom has his own ideas and usually a rather bad timing."
Sighing Minerva nodded. But Remus' thoughts were somewhere else, and curiosity once more got the better of him.
"Was the silver flash we saw the mask?"
Albus nodded, but Remus' curiosity wasn't satisfied just yet.
"What does it look like?"
Sipping on his wine and putting down the glass Albus shook his head.
"Silver. There's a reason you don't know."
Surprise was uttered by more than one person. Minerva leant in.
"Care to enlighten us?"
Albus didn't seem to feel especially fond of the idea, but he gave in easily.
"You do know that all Death Eaters wear masks to hide their identity. Most of these are very similar. But the highest ranking followers wear specific masks, designed following their personal wishes, indicating rank and individual traits. First of all it was Severus' request that only I know how exactly his mask looks like. But apart from that it makes sense to keep it a secret, as one day you might stumble over him in a battle situation, and it could cost him his life if anybody picks up on his connection with the order."
Smiling reassuringly he emphasised his point with a hand motion.
"It will also save you nightmares, belive me. The robes and appearance are impressive enough, but the missing face is the most frightening thing about the whole masquerade. Tom did know what he was doing with that."
The atmosphere at the table in the orchard never returned to its former ease afterwards. They tried to keep up the conversation, and with the help of lemon liquor and sugary treats their efforts were mildly fruitful. But sometimes Remus caught himself or any of the others sharing the same thought, wondering what was happening so many miles away from them, and if Severus would make it home in one piece.
The following night proved that Albus wasn't always right. He had assumed that not knowing about the mask spared them nightmares, but Remus had a very active imagination, and his mind substituted knowledge with various options with ease. In his dreams he lay on the cold hard floor in a darkened room, surrounded by what he knew to be Voldemort's men. Their black clad bodies seemed to float around him in a circle, round and round, and their blank silver faces were the only thing visible in dim light. He knew he was bleeding, that he would be dying soon, that someone in the circle was already waiting to perform the spell, to say the two deadly words - but no one did. They simply turned in a circle, in complete silence and darkness, while Remus tried to move and couldn't, his limbs frozen in place.
When he woke up with a scream on his lips his sheets were drenched with sweat. Gasping for air he listened to his own voice vibrating in his dark bedroom for a moment. Heat, sugary alcohol and Death Eaters, it just didn't go together well. A swift glance at the clock on his nightstand told him that it was almost half past three in the morning, but he knew he wouldn't fall asleep again anytime soon. Again. He had to work on his dream-management, that was for sure.
His body needed movement, and he knew that exercising his legs would help against the onslaught of mental images. Chasing the floating blank faces from his mind he put on a t-shirt and some linen trousers, and left his rooms.
The dark castle was familiar ground. Smelling the stones, feeling the coolness rising from the hard floor, sometimes listening to the whispering stones - he had spent so many nights wandering alone through these corridors at night that it immediately soothed his mind. It was a form of walking meditation, his feet carrying him through the corridors with not aim, no apparent logic or sense of direction. He was alone with the night and the stones.
Remus had just ascended to the a higher floor when he noticed something odd about the dimly lit corridor in front of him. It was one of the few corridors not lit by torches but natural moonlight, with fourth large windows casting pale shadows on the floor. Each window had two window panes, separated in the middle by a richly ornamented column. The deep set window sills were comfortable lounging spaces, and students retreated to these rarely used areas to read in peace and enjoy the view over the grounds. Remus remembered going there himself, back in the days when sometimes the library was too dark and the common room too crowded.
Now three symmetrical shadows were on the stone floor, painting the outlines of the windows in weak light. But the fourth pool of moonlight showed an added silhouette, something dark perched on the window sill, motionless. Remus stopped, rooted to his spot at the top of the stairs. Nothing moved.
His mind went through his options quickly. His wand was back in his private rooms, and for a moment he deeply regretted leaving it there. Then rationality kicked in. Hogwarts was one of the safest places in the world, protected by a thick layer of active spells and many more of ancient magic nobody really understood. It was highly unlikely that someone had entered the castle unseen. And why should anyone or anything retreat to a rarely used corridor and wait there? Still thinking he sniffed.
There was an unmistakable scent of blood in the air, sickeningly sweet and heavy.
Carefully he took a few steps down the corridor, closing the distance between him and window and who or whatever was sitting there. It quickly became obvious that he damned well knew who was there, although it didn't make any sense to him why that particular person should be sitting in that particular spot at that particular time.
Trying to make more noise then necessary Remus sat down in the same window, a few inches away, carefully watching Severus.
He seemed to be asleep, but in a strange enough position. Seated in the middle of the bench created by the window sill he had his back against the ornamental column, very straight, his head leant against the stone. With eyes closed and hands folded in his lap he seemed as still as a statue. Gone was the large thick coat, but he was still wearing a stiff ensemble of frock coat and white shirt, his hair a sharp contrast with his white collar. The smell of blood was stronger the closer Remus came.
"Severus?"
It seemed like eternity until Severus blinked and opened his eyes. The moonlight wasn't strong, but even with that as only light source Remus noticed that his eyes needed a long time to focus. He didn't move beyond that, keeping his stiff and rigid position. Now close to him Remus noticed that something was odd about his breathing patterns, his shoulders moving unnaturally with every intake of breath.
"What're you doing here?"
His voice was soft, almost inaudible, and strangely thin. It seemed that speaking required more effort than he was able to put in.
"Taking a walk. And you?"
Something tugged at the edge of Remus mind and told him to open his bloody eyes and see, but somehow he couldn't figure out what the problem exactly was. Besides the fact that he had just found Severus in a darkened corridor, at the other end of the castle, far away from any space where he could realistically be expected to be. At almost four o'clock in the morning.
"Sitting."
The scent of blood was almost unbearable, but Remus couldn't quite detect where it came from. Severus seemed unharmed, at least from what Remus could see. He wasn't behaving like an injured man, not holding on to any specific body parts or hunching over. Only his stiff posture was somehow odd, as was the way his fingers were entwined. And why would be take a break? Here? From what?
"Are you alright?"
Asking wouldn't hurt, but then Remus was sure he wasn't going to get an answer.
"Hm. Get lost."
It was an insult barely above a whisper, but it also seemed obvious that Severus wasn't in the mood or condition to deal with Remus. Still keeping his head leant against the column he closed his eyes again, his face a carefully composed mask of nothingness except for a few deep lines on his forehead. But Remus wasn't a man to take orders.
"No. Are you hurt?"
For a short second something like amusement ghosted over Severus' set face. He seemed to exhale carefully.
"Not your business."
Remus carefully inched towards him, closing the already short distance between them. The closer he came the more he picked up on scents he didn't like. Blood, dirt, sweat, something he couldn't place but suspected to be fear. He frowned. The tugging at the edge of Remus' mind became more persistent.
For a moment there was nothing but silence, disrupted by Severus' labored breathing that Remus could now even hear, sitting directly next to him. Remus mind was swirling with options and possibilities, but nothing made sense. He watched Severus once more from the side, picking up on small details. In the moonlight his skin seemed to be made out of thin paper. And then he noticed the tiniest of movement that had thus far evaded his observing eyes. Severus' hands, neatly folded, weren't as still as the rest of the man. Remus suspected that he hadn't noticed before because the way Severus held his hands hid most of their strange movements with what seemed to be practised ease. But it became more and more obvious that they were moving ever so slightly, twitching uncontrollably and softly shaking.
Surprised Remus moved before thinking, reaching over and placing his own hand on top of them. Severus flinched, pulled his hands away from Remus', relaxing his grip and thus effectively giving Remus exactly what he wanted. Without giving a damn that he had just invaded Severus' private space without even asking Remus caught Severus' now free left hand and cradled it in his own.
His skin was cold as ice, and the shaking of his fingers became even more recognizable in Remus' soft, but steady hold.
"You're freezing to death, how is that possible in this kind of heat? What the hell happened to you?"
The lines on Severus face deepened, but he was obviously not capable of fighting Remus' invasion. He shrugged, although it was very clear that he was deeply uncomfortable with the situation. Remus carefully tightened his grip around Severus' hand, massaging thin fingers softly as if it would help restoring their warmth. How could a man be half freezing to death in a corridor that was so warm? Dressed in so many layers of thick fabric? Remus would have died wearing all these heavy textiles, but they seemed to do nothing to stop the cold in Severus' bones.
"Let me try something else. How can I help you?"
It seemed like ages until Severus said something, but Remus was patient. He just sat there, watching him from the side, feeling the trembling of Severus' fingers against his own palms. His heartbeat was slightly out of control, but he attributed it to the fact that he had no idea what actually was going on.
"You could leave."
There was a hint of sarcasm in the whispered request, indicating that Severus was exactly aware that there was no way he would get rid of Remus anytime soon. Allowing himself a soft grin that Severus couldn't see through closed eyes Remus shook his head.
"No. Other ideas?"
Finally Severus sighed.
"Damn you. There's a vial. In the lab, on my desk. Not labeled." Speaking seemed to become more and more difficult, but Severus took only a short break and continued. "Clear liquid. Bring it."
For a brief second Remus wondered whether that was simply a plot to get rid of him, so that Severus could stay on the window sill and suffer in peace, but the request seemed genuine.
"Sure. Isn't the door locked?"
Severus blinked, opened his eyes for a short second, and seemed to focus on something. Then he nodded carefully, not moving anymore than it was necessary.
"Not anymore."
With closed eyes leaning his head against the stone column he exhaled carefully. Remus nodded, although it was useless.
"I'll be back soon. Don't run away."
Severus snorted almost inaudibly.
"Not likely."
Releasing Severus' hand Remus stood up and quickly made his way down the corridor. When he turned around one last time he saw Severus slowly retreating into his former position, hands neatly folded in his lap, fingers entwined to keep the trembling under control. Then Remus turned around and ran all the way to the lab.
It was exactly as Severus had said. The door opened to Remus' touch, and a quick Lumos showed the there was indeed one single vial on Severus' working desk, placed there as if to make sure it wouldn't be forgotten. Picking it up Remus eyed it. It was a small vial, filled with a clear liquid, neatly corked and without any kind of label indicating what was inside. Only a single dot with black ink on the cork marked it as not containing water. Remus had no clue what could be inside, but that wasn't his exact mission anyway.
The door to the lab closed heavily behind him, and he made his way back.
When he arrived in the corridor again nothing had changed. Quickly he strode over, took his former spot on the window sill and held the vial out.
"I guess I found it."
Severus needed a moment to open his eyes and turn his head, every single movement carefully acted out as if he needed to actually think about how his body was supposed to move. With the same speed he held out his left hand, and Remus placed the vial inside.
For a short second he remembered that the vial was still corked and wondered how Severus would get the cork off with his rather uncoordinated hands. But apparently this wasn't the first time for something like this to happen, and Severus knew exactly how to open the vial. Pressing the nail of his thumb on a certain part of the cork it opened effortlessly and with a soft hiss.
"I see you got a system."
Remus nodded approval. He liked things that worked, that had been thought through and put to action, especially when tiny details were concerned. Severus hesitated only a short moment.
"Yes."
Then he placed the vial on his lips and downed the liquid. Putting the empty vial down again he carefully placed it on his right side, where the window sill wasn't occupied by Remus. Exhaling again he leant back and closed his eyes.
"What's in there?"
It was halfway genuine interest in the potion Severus used, and halfway worry about what exactly was happening. Severus didn't move an inch.
"Water."
Shaking his head Remus disapproved.
"You know I'm not that stupid."
In slow motion Severus shrugged. Remus wondered whether he would fall asleep anytime soon, and if it wasn't incredibly uncomfortable doing it sitting that straight.
"Are you going to stay here?"
Remus eyed the empty vial. What was that liquid?
"No. Half an hour, maybe more."
Half an hour? Did whatever Severus took need that much time to kick in? Sitting still Remus wondered for a moment what was to happen next. He watched Severus carefully. He was still unmoving, but had returned to his former pattern of breathing. Now that he was aware of it Remus noticed the silent shaking of his hands more easily.
Then he remembered how cold Severus' skin had been.
"You are cold, right?"
Nothing happened for a while, but then Severus nodded very slowly. Remus was surprised by his own patience,
"Then let me warm you. When whatever you took there starts to work you can leave. Yes?"
Once more Remus waited, and Severus finally shrugged. Trying to be encouraging Remus smiled, feeling only slightly stupid because Severus' eyes were still closed. Then he carefully placed his hand on Severus' still trembling fingers. Unsurprisingly Severus flinched again, but this time he allowed Remus to actually take his hand. Cradling it with both hands, feeling once more how cold the skin was still Remus slowly allowed his magic to grow into a soft heating spell. It was one of the few spells he knew how to conduct without using a wand or anything else but physical contact. Like a soft cloak he wrapped the spell around Severus stiff shoulders, using only a small amount of magic.
It surprised him how easy it was. And there was that short moment when his magic first touched Severus and Remus felt that very short reaction. It was a common thing, somebody' elses magic reacting towards a spell coming from the outside, especially if it wasn't an aggressive spell. It felt like two entities touching, carefully examining each other, and then allowing closeness. He felt the same whenever his magic came into contact with Sirius. They had combined their magic so many times that it was now a friendly thing, recognition, something warm and comfortable.
But he hadn't expected his magic react the same around Severus. For a tiny second he felt Severus' own magic, a powerful and foreign thing, darkly residing inside the other man's veins. But there was no barrier, no defense mechanism. It seemed as if Severus' magic agreed with what Remus planned to do, even welcomed the spell. It was easy to warp him into the invisible cloak of warmth. Remus hoped that Severus could read between the lines, pick up on the fact that he was safe with Remus. As far as they could be safe. As far as a man like Severus would ever be safe with anyone.
Remus astonishment was complete when he saw and felt Severus visibly relax after only a short time, slumping down just a little bit, and in that allowing their shoulders to touch. It would have been enough body contact to keep the spell up, but Remus didn't even consider letting go of Severus hand. It was safely kept between his own hands, and with every minute Remus felt, or imagined that he felt the tension in the long fingers lessen until Severus completely relaxed into his hold, fingertips tapping a strange involuntary rhythm against Remus' palms.
It was strangely peaceful, and for a moment they simply sat there. Remus listened to the sounds the castle made, to the movements in the night outside, and Severus' slow breathing patterns.
Then it suddenly clicked, and whatever had been tugging at the edges of Remus' mind suddenly found its voice. There was one thing Remus knew breathing techniques could be used for, one thing he himself used them for, and one reason why someone might keep unlabeled vials in reach.
"Severus?"
It took a while for a reply to come, and Remus wasn't sure whether it was because Severus was already half asleep. But then he hummed a response, and Remus continued.
"You said you're dying. In the opium den."
Remus felt the nod more than he saw it, but Severus said nothing.
"I just remembered. So does that mean -"
He couldn't say it. It didn't seem right. How does one ask someone else if they were dying? Hey, what about picking a gravestone tonight? Would you like some Bach for your funeral? No? Rather Death Metal? Remus swallowed, not knowing how to phrase it. But to his surprised he didn't have to.
"It will pass."
He thought he had heard a hint of a smile in the too tired voice, still barely audible. Nothing more but a coarse whisper in the dark. Without knowing it Remus exhaled.
"But -?"
Severus nodded and hummed something once more.
"Yes."
Remus couldn't say anything after that. Instead he wrapped his hand around Severus fingers, entwining their hands, one of Remus' thumbs drawing lazy circles on the bony wrist. He liked the feeling, although his own hands seemed to be unusually square compared to Severus'. But Remus' skin was softer, not hardened by years of handling ingredients and hot cauldrons. He was surprised how many small injuries he found, how many healed cuts and little scars. Severus' hands were those of a man working, useful and finely tuned tools.
Very slowly he felt the skin warming up, and it seemed to him that Severus was relaxing further, his breathing becoming more and more natural. They sat in silence. Remus' head was filled to the brim with questions, but as always he knew he would never get an answer. All he could do was offering warmth and silent companionship, right there and then. That was all.
He couldn't determine the exact moment when the clear liquid started to do its work. But somehow life returned into Severus slowly, and then there was a moment when he carefully pulled himself up again, sitting straight once more, but still not as stiff as before. Remus regretted the moment their shoulders stopped touching, and it was only a matter of time until he had to let go of Severus' hand. He let the warming spell slowly die down.
Slowly but more determined Severus moved, carefully as if first trying if his body would subject itself to his command. It almost painfully reminded Remus of how he moved after a night spent as a wolf, testing whether his limbs were properly attached back to his torso, checking if his muscles still functioned and which bones were ruined.
With both of his hands free Severs rubbed his face, and Remus realized that he still wasn't wearing the bandage round his right wrist. It looked slightly swollen, but he didn't point it out. Severus was probably already very much aware.
Then Severus got up, still slightly unsteady. Remus remained where he was, smiling up to him.
"Are you feeling better?"
Severus nodded, once more rubbing his eyes.
"Yes. I shall go. Apologies for disturbing your night."
His voice was back to its usual strenght, and also to its usual detached neutrality. Remus tried to keep his face empty, crossing his legs. He wasn't tired in the slightest, but he didn't feel like moving.
"Don't be stupid."
Severus nodded once more and turned, still very consciously placing his feet. But he quickly seemed to walk with more stability. He almost made it to the stairs when Remus called him back.
"Where does the blood come from?"
Severus stopped, but he didn't turn around. All Remus could see was his dark silhouette in the corridor, pale light on black fabric, shoulders slumped underneath an invisible weight.
"It's not mine."
The agony was almost palpable, a man confessing his sins unwillingly, already regretting the answer the very second it was spoken. Remus tried not to be shocked. Then Severus vanished, down the stairs leading to the corridor that would bring him back to Serpens Tower. Remus remained in the window seat, now finally looking through the glass. The ground was bathed in the moonlight, meadows, the lake, and the dark silhouette of the forbidden forest. He wasn't sure what he had expected. It was difficult to arrange the things Severus did with what he was learning about the man.
Picking up the empty vial Severus had forgotten Remus turned it between his fingers.
They all did what they had to do. It was the only way to get them through these times, and Remus knew that the worst was yet to come. But they lost so much along the way, they were hiding so many things. And what use was all that? What happened when there were no vials left they could drink against the pain, when breathing didn't help anymore? Where was the end, and what would happen then? How long could it take for a single man to die?
He stayed on the window sill, lost in thought, until the sun rose above the forest, bathing the ground in golden light and doing nothing to solve their problems.
(c) Fayet - 18/9/2014 (updated 10/9/2015)