Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version – Act 1, Scene 5
Inside the Capulet's super special awesome party thing. Capulet is drunk. Romeo spots Juliet across the room and decides to talk to her.
ROMEO: Heya baby.
JULIET: Get away from me, pedo.
ROMEO: But you're so sexy, what with your prepubescent, scantily clad body and your innocent female mind.
JULIET: He just paid me a compliment! We must be in love now; therefore I will abandon all reason and start talking jibberish.
ROMEO: Random religious metaphor!
JULIET: Random religious metaphor!
NARRATOR: How do using religious metaphors make your relationship any healthier? I mean, she's 13 and he's at least 20. That definitely is paedophilia, which the Church definitely doesn't approve of.
ROMEO: STFU, dyke, we're trying to be in love over here!
Somewhere else in the room.
TYBALT: Remember me? I was in scene 1, and I was hitting on Benvolio! And now I can hear Romeo's voice. Therefore I feel the need to brood and look angsty. But I wonder if Benvolio is here...
CAPULET: Heya Tybalt dude, the booze is totally awesome! I can't even see straight and I've only had like 79 beers!
TYBALT: Romeo's over there?
CAPULET: What?
TYBALT: I said, Romeo's over there!
CAPULET: WHAT?
TYBALT: FUCKING ROMEO IS FUCKING FLIRTING WITH YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER!
CAPULET: I don't care. Don't start a fight, dude, it ain't cool. Now piss off, I'm trying to pick up some ass...
TYBALT: Don't you have a wife for that?
CAPULET: Yeah, but she's only about twenty six, far too old for a respectable man like me. I wonder if anyone brought any toddlers along...
NARRATOR: PEDO.
Meanwhile...
ROMEO: Can we make out now?
JULIET: No. We have to get married first. Remember, I'm just a simple woman who doesn't know her own mind so you must possess me legally before you can possess my body with your kisses. And penis.
ROMEO: Uh, maybe later. Can I kiss you very chastely now?
JULIET: Sure.
They kiss. Not much.
JULIET: Right, back to our random religious metaphors that make paedophilia all okay again!
ROMEO: Is this another excuse to kiss?
JULIET: Pretty much.
They kiss again.
NURSE: Aw, is my ickle baby poos being kissed by an older man? I'm so drunk I don't even care!
JULIET: Do you actually have a purpose?
NURSE: Lady Capulet wants to see you.
ROMEO: Holy shit! Your mother is Lady Capulet?
JULIET: Well duh. Who else is bitchy enough to refuse to buy me new clothes since I was two and a half?
ROMEO: My mother. But if we had the same mother, we'd be siblings...which is so sexy...
JULIET: I'm going to go now! Goodbye, fatalistic love of my life!
BENVOLIO: Hey, you haven't been kissing people other than me, have you?
ROMEO: Ah, not at all, cousin. I mean, she isn't really a person because she's a woman and technically also a child, so she practically doesn't exist!
BENVOLIO: Well that's okay then. Want to come back to my place for some buttsex?
ROMEO: Uh, no.
BENVOLIO: How about some coffee, disguised as buttsex?
ROMEO: Okay!
They leave.
JULIET: Who was that guy?
NURSE: You were making out with him and you didn't even ask his name?
JULIET: I'm far too stupid and impulsive for that. Find it out for me!
Nurse leaves and asks him.
NURSE: His name is Romeo, of the house of Montague.
JULIET: Holy shit, he's a Montague! That makes him even more appealing because it will totally piss of my mother!