AN: All things Twilight belong to SM (Do people still put disclaimers on their story?)
BPOV
Jasper barged through the door, taking it off its hinges and thoroughly scaring the shit out of me.
"Bella," Jasper said, way too calmly to mean he actually was calm. There was fire in his eyes; a look that I had only seen a handful of times. This Jasper terrified me.
"Why am I just hearing about this?" he asked. He forcefully shrugged Alice's hand off his shoulder when she tried to soothe away his anger. This was not good. Mate or not, he was never rude to the opposite sex; never even drank from them if he could help it.
Alice looked hurt but it wasn't my place to care nor assuage the awkwardness. I was worried for myself. If Jasper completely disregarded his mate's attempt at calming him down, what the hell would he do to me?
"I, um…uh…what the hell were you doing eavesdropping, anyway?" I tried to angrily deflect.
"What? Don't give me that shit. Answer my question?"
I sighed, knowing that there was no way out of this. With any luck, Jasper wouldn't try to finish what Alistair started. I was angry that Jasper was here, with Alice no less, and pissed off at me for no good reason.
"What the hell did you expect me to do, Jasper?" I blew up. "You went out of your way to find me and when you did, you wouldn't stop apologizing. Did you really expect me to throw that in your face on top of everything else? Besides, it had nothing to do with you. I was the one who was dumb enough to follow another vampire because I was lonely." As I heard my own words in my ears, anger was no longer a fitting emotion. Sad didn't even seem right. It was if I was finally admitting to myself that Jasper had done me wrong. Still though, I couldn't place the blame squarely on his shoulders.
I was hurt that Jasper left me in the first place, mad at myself for believing Alistair really cared about me, relieved that I was reunited with Jasper, and heartbroken that our friendship shifted when we came to this god forsaken place. In total, I was just a mess.
Jasper's face softened. He walked over to me, picked me up and wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me hard.
"I'm sorry, Bella," he spoke while nuzzling my neck. "I just wish you would have told me. And Alistair out of all people? Why him?"
"How do you know Alistair?" I asked, breaking out of his embrace.
"Alistair Grievings?" he asked me. I nodded in confirmation when Jasper used his surname. "I've known him for many years; before turning you. He had a thing for Maria," he explained. A hiss could be heard coming from Alice. I smirked and rolled my eyes at her, amused that we had a mutual hatred for a vampire that was long gone.
"Anyway," Jasper continued. "Maria wasn't interested and he despised the relationship I had with her. The feeling was mutual." Even without Jasper's gift, I could feel the anger rolling off of him.
"Can't we just forget about it? It was a long time ago and isn't important enough to bring up anymore," I pleaded with Jasper. I wanted to get past the things that happened and couldn't be changed.
At the same time, I heard both Edward and Jasper scoff.
"What?" I asked, annoyed at the both of them.
Jasper held out his hand toward Edward, gesturing to him to answer. He did.
"It is important because you're important. If anything would have happened to you, Jasper would have been devastated and I would never have met my mate." I rolled my eyes and turned to Jasper.
"It's true, Bella," Jasper said. "I have no idea what I would have done if I found out that you were hurt, or worse, killed. You've been the one to keep me alive all these years." It was my turn to scoff.
"I'm serious. After I walked away from you in the woods, I was never happy. I tried to convince myself that I did the right thing by choosing Maria. I was wrong. I wasn't happy again until I found you."
Damn him! I wanted to cry. I was a crier when I was human, but as a vampire it was painful. I had promised myself years ago, when the tear tracks finally began to heal, that I would be stronger than that. I wouldn't let the pain be my punishment for things that were beyond my control.
"Bella?" Alice had stepped up from behind Jasper. "Thank you."
"No problem, shorty rock, but what the hell for?" I looked to Edward, knowing he used his freaky mind reading ability on Alice. He shook his head and pointed to Alice. I turned back to her.
"For keeping Jasper alive," she continued. "I don't know why I didn't see him coming until he did, but I can't ever thank you enough for keeping him happy. I was waiting a long time to find my mate. I know you don't like the situation very much, but if it wasn't for you we all would have lived the rest of our existence miserably."
She was so damn sincere, so much so that I began feeling uncomfortable with the affection that dripped from her words. She surprised me further by hugging me. I didn't want to be rude or callous by prying her off of me so I hugged her and awkwardly patted her back. I looked to Jasper, hoping he would help take his woman off of me. He smiled gratefully and walked up to extract the small thing of a vampire.
"Bella," Jasper said, finally breaking the silent tension in the air. "The blood. I've been trying really hard to ignore it, but I can't anymore. Let me have it."
Edward and Alice's face twisted in a painful expression. Did they want to share the blood, too? There was enough to go around.
"Oh, yeah, sure. Let me go get it for you." The thought of Jasper indulging with me made me extremely happy. The good ol' days. The bag with the blood and narcotics was thrown behind a couch and I merrily skipped the few steps to retrieve it.
I grabbed the bag and sat down on the couch, opening it up. I heard the hiss coming from all of them as the strong scent of the blood permeated the air. "Do you want it pure?" I asked Jasper. I was preoccupied with my deed and kept my head practically buried in the bag. It wasn't until I realized that Jasper hadn't answered, that I finally looked up.
His face looked pained, but longing. "Jazz?" I was trying to get his attention.
"Bella, we can't do that here." I looked at him confused until I thought it clicked.
"Shit! You're right. It's pretty rude." I was way too happy to partake with Jasper that I completely forgot my manners. Drinking human blood would have been like drinking a beer in front of a recovering alcoholic.
"I'm sorry, guys. We'll wait 'til you leave." I apologized for my thoughtlessness. I may not have been that fond of Alice, but I wasn't going to be cruel. I began gathering the little baggies and the remaining pints of blood, carefully stuffing them back in the bag.
"Wait, Bella," Jasper said, reaching out to still my hands. "I didn't mean that we should wait until they leave. I have to talk you about that, though." He seemed very hesitant, which only made me nervous.
Jasper had a familiar, trying look in his eyes. I knew that he could feel my anxiety and desperately wanted to fix it. However, I told him long ago to never manipulate how I was feeling unless I asked. At this moment, I could tell he was contemplating doing just that.
"I think we should give the animal blood thing another try," he continued.
"Come again?" I asked, not even trying to hold back my laugher from the absurdity of what he just said.
"If we're gonna do this," he said pointing between the four of us, "we have to do it right." I never verbally confirmed that I was going to try with Edward, but he already knew. There was no going back, but that didn't mean I had to like any of it.
"So we have to change for them?" I asked for clarification.
"C'mon, Bella," he continued to coax. "Weren't we starting to feel guilty anyway? This mating thing changed the way you looked at humans. Admit it. All those happy couples?"
I refused to look at any of them. "This whole thing is absurd. What happened to compromise? Isn't being in a relationship about meeting each other half way? Drinking from animals isn't normal."
"Can you honestly tell me that not once, in your whole existence, you've never sorry for taking a human life? That every time you walked away from a kill you've never thought about family – children – that your victim left behind?" Edward asked.
I stared at the audacity of this vampire. The one who was supposed to be my mate. It was unfair of him to try and pluck out any guilt and remorse that I may have experienced in my lifetime as vampire. Of course there were moments when I regretted a kill. Only the cruelest vampire would deny feeling something after certain kills. I could think of a few, though.
"Don't…don't do that," I chided Edward quietly. "You couldn't possibly know how I feel about anything. More than half my existence has been centered on remorse. I don't need you or Jasper trying to convince me of a way of life by using my emotional instability against me." The growl ripped from my throat before I could suppress it.
Edward looked heartbroken. "Sweetheart, that's not what…"
"Save it," I interrupted. "I'll try your way. Not because you're my mate, but because this might be a way to start atoning for my actions that have hurt others." I turned my attention to Jasper. "I know what it's like to have everything ripped away."
The venom welled up in Jasper's eyes. I shook my head, forbidding him to let them fall. Not because I didn't want to see him cry – I didn't – but because I didn't want him to feel the pain that would immediately over take him.
"It's not so bad, Bella. You'll get used to it." Alice tried to gently reassure me, but her words meant nothing. However, I was grateful, though, at her attempt so I gave her small smile.
I was sick of the talk about new blood and past grievances.
"You said there was something else you needed to talk about?" I asked Jasper. I could feel the shift in the air, the tension coming from all sides. I was instantly put on edge.
"I…um…," Jasper was nervous and it made me nervous. "I'm staying with Alice tonight," he said. If he wanted Alice to spend the night he didn't have to ask me. However, he wasn't done. "At the Cullens'."
To the average human I felt ice cold. Right now, though? I felt white hot. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the three figures staring back at me. I took an unnecessarily deep breaths, trying to restore my calm.
"Bella?" It was Edward speaking.
"Jasper, I told you." I heard Alice's voice and it was enough to break the false sense of calm I was working on.
What had she told him? Did she see this coming?
"Get out," I whispered, still trying to remain collected when all I wanted to do was rage.
"Bella, look. I think-," Jasper began to speak before the sound of the crumbling sheet rock cut him off. The gaping hole in the wall left a spider web of cracks stretching toward the ceiling.
"I said get out," I roared. "You backstabbing, lying sack of shit. This is Maria all over again. Just leave already; don't wasting my time. If I thought for one second that this is how we were going to end up, I would have let Alistair rip me apart." I walked to Jasper, airlessly breathing in his face. "I guess you wanted to do it yourself."
"Bella!" Edward let out a strangled sob. I tried looking to him, but it hurt too much.
"I need everyone to leave," I said with finality. There was no room for arguments.
"Are you leaving?" Jasper asked.
"I'm no longer your concern," I replied, making sure that he felt all the anger and betrayal I was feeling at the moment. He feel to his knees, clutching his chest.
"Go," I whispered. "You, too, Edward."
Alice picked Jasper up and headed toward the door. Edward was torn, but eventually did as I asked. As he passed me to get to the door, he gave my hand a discrete but tight squeeze. I wanted him to stay; he felt wrong to banish him, too, but I needed this time. I needed to make sure that I would be okay on my own when that time came. It was, after all, inevitable.
I didn't go to school the next day, or the one after that, or the rest that followed. While Jasper went to school during the day, I spent mine going through old photographs of happier times between him and I. When that became too difficult I ran. I ran to Seattle, the Canadian border, multiple lines. I didn't even have it in me to hunt. I drank the pints of blood that I had in that bag, tossing the rest of the drugs in a river I passed.
Jasper only came knocking on out apartment door the day after our fall out. I didn't respond and he didn't try again. Part of me was hurt, but another part of me knew that the separation was a good thing; I was weaning myself from him. From everyone.
I returned to school the following Monday, but kept my distance from the five vampires. Jasper looked well, no signs of worry on his face. His clothes didn't look familiar, either.
Throughout the day, both Edward and Jasper tried to make conversation, but I ignored all attempts. Admittedly, it was harder to resist Edward than it was Jasper. I wasn't mad any longer, but the hurt still lingered, etched into my bones. I was still working things out in my head and I couldn't afford a distraction. I wasn't leaving town; maybe they already knew that. Yet, I still needed this alone time to think.
By lunch, Jasper and the rest of them got the point that talking was still not an option. I was left alone for the rest of the day. That was not to say that Edward and I hadn't shared glances any time we were in the same room.
School was finally over and the last thing I wanted to do was go home. I never felt so lonely; not even when Jasper left me the first time. It was too bad the animals were terrified of me. I would've bought a cat …or seven. Maybe I'd even invest in yarn and needles to make socks and scarves. I peeked over four vampires settled across the parking lot. Edward was missing. They all looked happy, content. My dead heart broke a little more.
I hopped in the car; luckily Jasper hadn't taken my baby with him. I headed to the beach, where Edward told me they were forbidden to step foot on. The fact that my future disappeared in that area was another great benefit.
Getting to the beach took no time at all. It was blissfully empty, not even the psycho dog was around. With so much else going on, that particular incident felt like so long ago. As much as I probably didn't belong here, based on what Edward told me, it was also like a safe haven.
I had been relaxing in the sand close to half an hour before I smelled the familiar wretched odor. I got up as quick as my vampire speed would allow. I scanned the whole beach, only seeing a tall figure walking my way. I sat back down, still confused to where the odor was coming from.
The man I saw a moment ago sat down next to me. "I can smell a leech from miles away," he said, not looking at me but at the crashing waves in front of us.
"What?" I sputtered, completely taken off guard by his comment. And what the hell did he mean by saying that he could smell me? Like I smelled bad or something.
"You don't recognize me, do you?" he asked, looking at me this time around.
"No. But I already know that I don't like you," I answered.
He laughed boisterously. "It's too bad because you're the first blood sucker that I may actually be able to tolerate. I'm "Big Dog" from the other day," he said while continuing to laugh and use air quotes for the name I'd given him.
Once he said it, I immediately recognized the dog that tried to kill me. His eyes were the same chocolate brown while his russet skinned matched the color his dog form had.
"That was you, you fucker? I coulda killed you, ya know," I exclaimed and punched him in the shoulder. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
He began laughing again while rubbing is shoulder. "Kill me? I don't think so. If you hadn't been such a pussy and ran, I would've ripped your head off."
"You feelin' froggy?" I asked, widening my arms and gesturing for him to bring it.
"Nah. You're awfully strong for a girl," he replied, still chuckling.
"Fuck you! I may be a girl, but I'm still a vampire and I could have killed you if I wanted to." Sticking my tongue out would have matched my petulance
"If you wanted to? So that means you don't, which means you do like me." He flashed a toothy grin. "Unfortunately for you, I don't date leeches. Maybe in the next lifetime. Oh wait, I'm sorry. This is your only lifetime isn't it?" He laughed again at his own dumb joke.
Try as I might, I found it hard to hate this smelly boy sitting next to me. Our easy banter was something I hadn't been able to do with anyone in a while. I was trying to fight a grin.
"I see that smile," he teased. "Please don't fall in love with me," he continued, seriously this time.
It was my turn to laugh at him. "What are you even doing here? Aren't you supposed to kill vampires on sight or something?"
"Sam, the pack leader, spoke with Carlisle the night after you invaded my beach." I rolled my eyes. "Carlisle vouched for you and your friend. I originally came over to warn you, but truthfully, you had a really pathetic look on your face. I felt bad." He shrugged and I rolled my eyes again.
"Aww, what's wrong, Killer, did your best friend take her doll and go home?" He was joking, but he hit way too close to home. The look on my face must have alerted him to as much as he wiped he smile off his face.
We sat in silence and it surprised me, I found it nice to just sit with him, not talking. It was another ten minutes before he spoke.
"Wanna talk about it?"
Did I? Actually, yeah I did and it didn't matter that it was to a mutt.
"Do you know what vampire mating is?" I asked.
"Eh, more or less. It's kinda like when we imprint. You find "the one"."
"Yeah, I guess you can say that. Anyway, Jasper, my best friend, who I've been with for years, found his mate. Alice Cullen."
"I'm somewhat familiar with the Cullen's. So what? You and he were like romantic or something?"
My sexual history with Jasper was not relevant to the issue at hand. "No, but I've been with him since I was turned almost a hundred years ago. I just lost my best friend."
He was silent a moment, turning something over in his head. "It could be worse, ya know."
I looked at him incredulously and almost with disgust at his insensitivity.
"Just listen. Jeez!" He began telling me a story about Sam and how he imprinted on the cousin of his girlfriend at the time, Leah. He broke her heart without wanting to, but there was nothing he or anyone else could do. Leah still lived on the reservation and had to witness the happy couple frequently. She was dealing, though. Leah was dating another pack member and although she knew it wasn't love, it helped the moving on process.
"Wow, that's pretty fucked up," I agreed. I only felt the slightest bit better.
Leaving the depressing topic alone, Big Dog and I began talking about anything and everything. I hadn't even realized that the sun had set. I left after we had made plans to meet up tomorrow. We joked that if one of us didn't make it, it was because we were stuck throwing up from having to smell wet dog and sickly sweet honey topped cotton candy.
On the drive out of First Beach, I could have sworn I saw a flash of something in the woods. I knew it was one of the Cullen's, having figured out where I was. It was probably asking too much to have Jasper actually care about me anymore.
I was hoping that school would be uneventful. I was still upset by the things that were going on between me and…everyone, it seemed. And as horrible as it sounded coming from a blood sucker like me, I was actually a little excited to meet up with Big Dog after class.
EPOV
I followed Bella, hiding in the woods as she drove home from First Beach. I couldn't believe that she would actually go back there after her near death. I nearly had a stroke when Alice told me Bella disappeared all together. Alice had discovered a knack for seeing around Bella. However, when Bella's future wasn't mingled with someone else's we knew it could only mean one thing – some kind of werewolf involvement. I waited hours at the borderline, and it was well after the sun went down that I finally saw her drive off. There were so many times I was tempted to just cross over, but every time I was about to I received a call from Alice warning me not to.
School the next day was torture as she continued to keep her distance. It wasn't until Alice told me that she couldn't "see" Bella that I decided enough was enough. Jasper wanted to be the one to talk to her, but after Alice convinced him it wasn't a good idea he backed off. I waited until lunch to approach her.
"Hey," I greeted her and sat down without being invited to.
"Hey. What' going on?" She tried to sound unaffected, but I knew different. The crack in her voice sounded an awful lot like mine when I was talking about her.
"How've you been?" "…because I've been horrible" I thought to myself.
"I'm still in town, take that however you want." She shrugged and didn't offer anything else. I waited to see if she was going to mention Jacob, but she didn't so I had to.
"What's the deal with Jacob?" She looked at me questioningly, like she didn't think I knew about it.
"Who the hell is Jacob?" she asked. Could it be that she was actually approached by another one of the wolf pack?
"Jacob, the werewolf from the other day," I clarified. Recognition flashed in her eyes.
"Oh! You mean BD? I didn't even know that was his name. You'd think after all the time we spent talking I would ask his name or he'd tell me. I just kept calling him Big Dog and he never corrected me."
All the time they spent talking?
"What do you mean all the time? You talk to him a lot?" My tone was abrupt and caught Bella off guard.
"We got to talking yesterday when I went to the beach. He was pretty good company, even if he smelled like a wet dog that rolled around in garbage." She wrinkled her nose and shuttered. For some reason, her actions highly pleased me.
"I could have kept you company," I muttered. She sighed heavily then surprised me by reaching for my hand.
"I know that everyone probably thinks I'm being some kind of heartless bitch, but please believe that it's not the case. I'm just trying to sort out and deal with my feelings." I could see her working her impressive vampire mind for the right words. "I feel like I'm losing Jasper, whether it's the case or not. I know that I have you, and trust me when I say that it's killing me to stay away, but I'm just not ready to enter into your family the way Jasper did."
"I'm trying to understand, Bella, but I really don't get it. Jasper isn't going anywhere just because he's with Alice now. Whenever we relocate, we go together, as a family and now that includes you and Jasper," I tried to reason with her.
"It's been just me and Jasper for so long, I don't know how to be anything other than Jasper's other half. I tried once and it almost got me killed. What if one day you wake up and decide that I'm not your mate and leave me like Jasper did? I'm going to have to leave and go back to being lonely. I don't want to be lonely again," she whispered the last part. And I think I was finally beginning to understand.
"Bella, you're scared. I don't know the motives behind Jasper's or Maria's actions, but I can tell you this - the mating bond we have is real. If, for whatever reason, you don't ever get to the point of wanting to join my family and decide to leave Forks, I'm going with you. It kills me ten times over that you're so close but so far away."
Bella removed her hand from mine and looked down at the table. Never ever in my life had I needed to be able to read someone's thoughts so badly.
"I'm sorry, Edward," she whispered and my heart sunk. Was she going to apologize that she couldn't return the same feelings for me? Mating was not one-sided. I knew she felt it, but was just fighting it so damn hard. If she was someone else's mate I would have been impressed with her tenacity.
"I don't want to hurt you, or even Jasper. But I'm going to let you down, a lot. I don't know how Jasper is doing it, but I'd rather drink from humans than animals. I'm so twisted that I actually take drugs sometimes. I'm not good enough for your family. I'd probably be the one to finally expose all of you. Why would you want someone like me to be the disease that destroys your family?"
"That's what we have Alice for," I began to say but was interrupted when Bella snorted after hearing Alice scoff across the room. "She'd be able to see if something like that were to happen. If it came down to us having to leave for fear of being exposed, then we'd just pack up and leave. All of us, except Esme and Carlisle, fucked up in one way or another. And like I said before, I go where you go."
"Okay," she finally said after tortuously long minute.
"Okay?" I asked, not really sure what she was okaying.
"Okay. Me and you."
And fuck me sideways if that one word didn't make me the happiest vampire in this world.
Not at all thinking before I acted, I sprang up, grabbed Bella in my arms and swung her around like they do in those movies. Her giggle was music to my ears. I stopped turning so I could grab her face and finally do what I've wanted to do since I first saw her. When my lips met hers, I didn't bother with going soft and slow to start. My kiss was eager from the very beginning, and thankfully hers was too. I could feel myself growing harder the longer we stayed connected, and I knew she could feel it too. Fortunately, or unfortunately, she liked what she felt and began moaning, making me harder and not being able to do anything about it.
It wasn't until I read Alice's mind that I had realized that we were drawing a crowd. It should have been obvious that everyone would stare since this was the first time people saw us together since the first week of school. Not to mention, we had the starting to many porno movies. They all wanted confirmation that we were or weren't together. I unlatched myself from Bella begrudgingly. She giggled when she saw the displeased look on my face.
Someone else's thoughts invaded my head.
"C'mon, sweet cheeks, someone wants to talk to you."