Hey everyone,(I know I said a couple of days, but if you had any idea...) Anyone here had their heart handed to them in pieces by their best friend? TWICE? You'd think I'd learn but no, no way in hell could I ever learn, anyway, I'm sorry, but I just started my senior year with a large chunk of writer's block, a broken heart, and the knowledge that my SATs are about 500 points short of IVY "qualifications" Oh yeah my life is great, Fan-fucking-tastic.
xoxo, devinerose
I own nothing
I woke up on the floor the next morning to find my head throbbing and my wrist aching. A bag of melted ice was leaking out onto the wooden floor next to me as early morning light streamed in through the window. I used the base of my hands to wipe my eyes before checking the clock which read 7:45. The compressing, breathless fog that enveloped my heart had settled back in, and as I tried to take a deep breath I found I couldn't. Tempted to curl back up into a ball and become a hermit, I pushed myself off the ground, carefully picking up the leaking bag and carrying it into the kitchen. I threw it in the sink and grabbed a bunch of paper towels to clean up the mess, but there was water everywhere, too much to deal with with the amount of paper towels I grabbed, so I picked up the wet ones and was about to go into the kitchen when I slipped on the water on the floor and fell backward onto the ground with a floor shaking thud. I couldn't move, my back was sore and I could almost feel the bruises forming, I had landed partially on my sore wrist so that began to hurt even more and to top it all off the ice water had begun to soak through my shirt making my teeth chatter. I was just too worn out to move so I covered my face with my hands and began to cry once more as my teeth clattered from the chills being sent up my spine.
The blaring shrill of the phone ringing made matters worse, I was in no state to answer the phone yet, but for some reason I rolled over and reached out to pick it up.
"Hello?"
"Bella?" I don't think I could have felt worse than I did in that minute. At the sound of Jacob's voice an immense amount of guilt was added onto the intense pain I was feeling.
"Hey Jake."
"Oh Bells it's so great to hear your voice, I miss you so much." Jake said sincerely.
"I miss you too." I mumbled, he laughed.
"Doesn't sound like it, I guess you must be having fun over there." He teased, little did he know.
"Yeah, lots." I said flatly, "So why are you calling?"
"I need a reason to call the love of my life?" He asked and I froze. What came out of my mouth sounded like that of a dog being choked to death.
"Bella, you there?" He asked, and I sniffled into the phone as I began to cry once more.
"Are you-Are you crying? What's going on, Bella?" He asked seriously. I knew I could not answer that question, not over the phone, and not to the one person who was the only reason I was still somewhat sane, the one person who loved me more than anyone else on the planet. So, I told him the first thing that came to mind,
"My roommate's sister died this morning. I was at the hospital with her all night, and just got home, so, I'm just over tired and sad." Over the past year I had learned to lie, and well, especially since he couldn't see me.
"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry." He said sympathetically and the weight of guilt on my heart became close to the crushing point.
"I didn't wake you did I? I have no sense of time over here, I'm sorry." He kept apologizing, I was about to tell him not to worry, something he had said caught my attention.
"'Over here'? Where? Jake, where are you?" I asked confused.
"Remember the trip to Europe for that Art History club I joined in the middle of the summer?" He asked.
"Yeah."
"Well, I just arrived in London." He said excitedly.
"Oh wow." I said, too emotionally drained to give a proper response.
"Yeah, actually I have to go, but I'll call you when we get to the hotel. I love you." He said eagerly, I paused, and before I could say anything, he had hung up. It was obvious as to why, he was in a rush, and had known I was going to say it, he knew, he trusted me explicitly to love him back. The knowledge of that made me feel sick to my stomach with guilt.
"I can't do this." I mutter through my tears, I needed someone, someone to help me. I lifted the phone back up, and numbly ran my fingers over the number I had memorized a long time ago. As the phone rang I sat up and pulled myself out of the pool of water and went to my room for a change of shirt. I was able to put the phone on speaker and place it on my dresser before a familiar voice answered,
"Emmett's tunnel of love how can I help you?" Emmett answered seriously before expelling a yelp of pain as I guessed Rosalie had knocked him upside the head. I took off my wet shirt and slipped into a clean new one before going back out into the living room.
"What, it's Bella!" He explained on the other end, "You don't care, do you Bella?" Before I could answer he answered for me.
"See, she doesn't care, she loves me." He informed Rose.
"Why don't you try talking on the phone, she's still on the line." I heard Rosalie tell him on the other end.
"Oh, right. Hey Bells, what's up?" He asked jovially. I opened my mouth to speak, but as I ran trough the answer in my head, nothing came out except a whimper, as my head fell into my hands.
"Bella? Are you okay?" His tone was no longer smiling, he was worried.
"Um," I was going to lie, but I could tell they'd never buy it, "No." I said before I couldn't hold it in any more, and I just started crying into the phone.
"Bella! Bella, listen to me, shhh, shhh," He said trying to calm me through the phone, he continued to do so until I had numbed up and stopped crying.
"Do you want me to get Rose?" He asked softly, I nodded, not thinking, then said yes quietly into the phone.
"Alright. Hold on." He instructed before I heard him pass off the phone.
"Bella?" I could hear Rose's voice was filled with panic, "Bella, what's wrong, what happened?"
"I'm fine," Then I couldn't help but let out a humorous laugh, "No, no actually I'm not, I just spontaneously kissed your future brother in law, then ran out on him to curl up into a sobbing mess on my living room floor last night, before crying myself to sleep, and then was woken up with a call from my boyfriend who is madly in love with me, and would do anything to keep me happy." Knowing how sensitive she was to the subject, I left out the part in the alley, my sarcasm was wearing off as I went on, until I broke down for the second time in five minutes.
"Oh God Rosalie, what have I done?" I moaned as I sank into the arm chair in my living room. She didn't say anything, probably still processing the information I had given her.
"What do I do?" I asked.
"What did it feel like?" She asked out of the blue. With no clue as to what she was talking about, I asked her to clarify.
"When you kissed Edward again, how did you feel? Honestly?" I played the moment back again in my head, although it was painfully unnecessary because I already knew the answer.
"Whole." I whispered.
"You know what that means right?" She asked pointedly.
"No."
"You still love him and you still need him, the way you did a year ago. Bella, sure, you've gotten a new boyfriend, and you're in a new place with new friends, but honey, nothing's changed." She said softly, her words struck deep as she had intended them to.
"Bella, you're not going to like this advice, as you have been turning it down ever since I brought it up, but you know what I'm going to say, right?" She asked, I had known it was coming, but I didn't care.
"Rose, I can't tell him," I began, but she cut me off.
"Why not?" She asked frustrated.
He's happy!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, so happy he kissed you? Bella, what you're arguing doesn't even make any sense! It's all in the past now, so just come out and say it!" She pressured.
"How!" I exclaimed, "How can I tell him the truth when I couldn't even tell you!" My hand immediately clapped over my mouth.
"Excuse me?" She asked slowly. I didn't answer.
"What do you mean? Are you telling me you lied to me?" She asked, her voice dangerously low.
"No, I never, I never lied to you, not completely."
"Then what the hell happened Bella, I need to know the truth, you owe me that." She said bluntly. She was mad and I could tell. I took a very deep breath, and plunged in, knowing quick and painless was the only way to do this.
"Last summer, at the costume party, after Edward and I," I trailed off knowing she would get it.
"Yeah." She said, politely urging me on.
"Lauren came up to me, and pulled me aside, telling me that if I didn't leave Edward, she would get her Dad to fire him from the internship." I finished quickly, but there was no response on the other end.
"Rosalie?" I asked,
"That dirty, filthy, rotten whore!" Rosalie shouted angrily.
"Rose?" I could hear Emmett on the other end.
"I have half a mind to march back home to that run down little community college she goes to and-"
"Rose, no. Please, no one knows, and I don't want them to. I don't need everyone knowing I gave up everything I had to that dirty skank."
"But you're going to tell Edward right, please, you have to tell him." She tried to convince me.
"It's too late Rose, he's with someone, he's happy, I can't-" I tried to tell her
"Bullshit Bella, you're scared." She said bluntly, with no sympathy whatsoever.
"Forget about Tanya, forget about Jake, what would make you happy?" She asked, the one question I knew the answer to, but wasn't ready to act on it. Someone knocked on the door. I ignored it, not ready to face the human world just then. I opened my mouth to answer Rosalie, when they knocked again,
"Hold on, it's my roommate, she must've forgotten her keys." I said brushing away the traces of tears in a mirror before going to answer the door.
"You have to tell him, I know that's what you want." She said, reading into me.
"Rose I can't handle that. Please, not right now, I can't do it, I'm sorry." I said trying to convince her as I turned the knob on the door and pulled it open. The phone slipped through my fingers as I saw who was standing there.
"Hello Bella." Edward said flatly.
"H-hi." I said shakily.
"Hello? Bella? Hello!?" I heard Rosalie on the other end, without taking my eyes away from him I picked up the phone.
"Mom?"
"Mom?! Bella, was that who I thought it was?" She asked shocked.
"Yes, I have to go, I'm sorry,"
"Don't you dare hang up on me yet, listen, either you tell him or I do, I am sick of this!" The severity in her tone caught my attention and I froze. I knew she wasn't kidding, especially now that he had shown up at my house and she knew the whole truth.
"Mom, please." I begged, praying it wasn't coming down to that.
"No, neither of you are happy and I'm done sitting on my ass, so either you tell him or the second you hang up I'm calling him." She threatened.
"I- I can't." I whispered sadly, wishing I was stronger.
"You can and you will, I have faith in you. Goodbye." At that she hung up and I was left to do the second hardest thing in my life. It wasn't fair for me to do this to him, not change his life again. He had found stability and he was happy. But I knew if I didn't tell, he would find out eventually. I hung up the phone and faced Edward.
"Um, what, what are you doing here?" I asked still shaken up by what I had to do, I could feel my heart in my throat and pounding away in my ears. He held out an object to me, it was my sweater from the night before.
"This is yours, you left it at my house." He said coldly.
"Oh. Thank you." I said taking it from him.
"I'm sorry, come in." I said realizing my rudeness as I stepped aside to let him in. I closed the door behind him, and we stood there facing each other awkwardly.
"Was there anything else?" I asked cautiously, not sure how to act in this situation.
"No, just the sweater, actually, I'd better get going." He said as he began to make his way to the door behind me. This was it, my chance to tell him the truth, the chance to come clean and admit what I had done, how I had lied, how I still loved him despite everything. He brushed past me, and instead of stopping him like I knew I should, I stepped aside and allowed him to pass. Rosalie's words rang out in my head, I'll tell him if you don't.
Three steps. Two steps. One-
"Edward wait, there's something I need to tell you." I blurted out, he stopped with his hand on the door. He turned back around, waiting for me to say something. I took a deep breath and began,
"I lied to you, last summer, and I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry for the hurt and pain I've caused us-" To this his head snapped up, and he stared at me,
"Us? Really," He asked with a laugh, that sent shivers up my spine, it was cold and heartless, nothing like what I had once known him to be, "Did it hurt to tell me that you had never had feelings for me, despite the multiple times you told me you loved me? Did it hurt to trample on me after I proposed to you? Did it hurt to watch me beg you to stay?"
"Yes." I whispered quietly, looking away, biting back tears. He saw my expression and let out a pained breath of air. Neither of us spoke for a moment, but I could tell he regretted his outburst.
"I'm sorry," I looked up, he seemed to be looking for the right way to say what he wanted to,
"It's just I have a hard time believe that. It's actually funny, I was so mad at you this morning, I could barely think straight. I planned out in my mind on the walk over exactly what I was going to say to you to make you feel guilty and horrible for what you did last summer. But the more I went over it in my mind the more I realized, I couldn't do that to you, no matter how much you hurt me, I still, I, never mind, it doesn't matter now does it?" He asked with a humorless smile.
"Anyway, look Bella, um I know this is going to sound mean, but I don't see any other way, so could you do me a favor?" He asked, he was nervous for some reason.
"Of course." I said lamely. I wanted to say something, but I was too focused on trying not to cry in front of him,
"It hurts like hell to be around you, can we just agree that we can't be friends and we shouldn't be, for both our sakes?" He asked politely, but I could tell he was in pain. It caused him physical pain to be near me, I made him sick, me, Bella Swan, disgusted him. Instead of embarrassing myself further I just nodded.
"Thank you. I'll, um, I'll see you around." He said before turning and walking out the door. As he left I could see Sarah openly staring at him as he walked past her, leaving the door open.
"Was that?" She asked shocked, looking between me and Edward who was walking down the hallway. I nodded numbly,
"What happened?" She asked cautiously as she closed the door behind her. I felt the tears began to slip down my cheek. I didn't even answer her, what could I say? I turned away from her and went to hang up the phone before walking to my room. I didn't have the heart to call Rose and tell her what happened, so I flopped onto my bed, clutching a pillow tightly to my chest and staring blankly out the window.
"Bella?" I heard Sarah on the other side of the door. She knocked lightly, but still I didn't answer. To be completely honest, I didn't know if I even wanted her to come in. It was one of the many things I was unsure of, including wether or not to listen to Edward, or try again to tell him the truth. The latter of the two seemed to be the way everyone was pushing me, but something was still holding me back. Maybe it was the fact Edward didn't want me anymore, he had made that perfectly clear. The phone rang on the table next to me, but I refused to answer it. Based on what had happened today, nothing good came from answering the phone.
READ THIS!!!:
Bear with me I understand Bella and Edward are being dumbasses(Oblivious, and ignorant dumbasses), right now, but just go with it, I don't need any flames, cuz it wont change anything (although, I haven't gotten any yet so thanks!) It's just taken longer than I though to set this story, so I'm sorry!! Also I know I always respond, or try to, to all of your reviews, I haven't been able to lately, but I'm applying to college this semester, I'm taking a bunch of APs, as I said earlier I'm really hurting emotionally and I'm turning 18 this upcoming sunday, so I'm under a lot of pressure, so please, please, just stick with me. We've got good, bad and funny times ahead for this duo so, don't quit!!
Review Please!