A/N Thanks to all who have reviewed and/or favorited so far! You make me happy. Again, I do not own Bleach or any of the other fine works used here. A citation list is at the end. I was going to shamelessly plug my story "Sarah Tay at the Seireitei" since Choujirou mentions it, but decided against it. Instead I will shamelessly plug Dolphin Whisperer's humorous artwork of various scenes in this story. At the end of this chapter, (since I don't want to give the story away) are links that you can copy and paste. Enjoy!
The captain general was like clockwork. At 5am, he arose; at 5:30am, he worked out with his vice captain, Choujirou Sasakibe; at 6:15am, he worked the men in his squad; at 8am, he and his vice captain separated and showered. Sasakibe would then show up at Yama-Jii's place, fresh and ready to conduct the business of the day. It was during this shower time that the five felt they had the best chance to complete their first task: The wise man removes the bindings of many years. They were going to steal the leather strap that Yama-Jii wore to bind his long, flowing beard.
Shuuhei had protested that the list was vague. He could just as easily complete the task by re-taping some boxes that had been in storage for a long time, but Yumi had protested, saying that Shuuhei's solution was too easy. Surely, Captain Kyouraku had meant these tasks to be more challenging than that. It was Ikkaku who mentioned Yama-Jii's leather binding strap; Shuuhei had yet to forgive him. The others had planned the entire caper with Shuuhei as the central character. He decided that going along with the plan was less painful than lying in bed all day with his hang-over. Besides, he really had no choice since Renji and Kira had dragged him to the fourth division early in the morning for a quick sobering up, which turned out to be worse than the hang-over.
The plan was simple. Yumichika and Ikkaku would stand guard. Shuuhei, Kira and Renji would enter the flat from an open window in the bedroom. Yama-Jii liked to keep a fresh breeze flowing through his apartment, so that particular window was always open. It faced the trees and was not exposed to the road nearby, so it seemed the ideal way to enter. The problem was that none of the men knew if when he showered, Yama-Jii even removed the leather strap that held his beard. They would have to chance it.
"Okay, Shuuhei, here we go." Kira patted his worried friend on the back. "Yumi and Ikkaku are keeping watch. They'll keep the vice captain busy in front if he comes back too soon."
"I'll give you a leg up, 'Sagi Bottom. You get in and give us the all-clear. We'll follow."
"I told you not to call me that, Baboon Boy. I'd take you on right here if my head weren't pounding so much. This is stupid. Why are we doing this again?"
"For love, Shuuhei. For honor, duty, and destiny," intoned Kira melodramatically.
"Destiny…with Nanao…sure."
Renji added, "Plus, we're bored. This place has been dead for weeks."
"That's an understatement," laughed Kira, "considering we're soul reapers. Now, up you go, like a good boy." Kira and Renji held out their hands to give Shuuhei a boost up to the window.
As he was lifted through, hitting his head on the open window, he muttered to himself, "I'm going to kill them for this. She'd better be worth the jail time if I get caught."
Once inside, he determined that the coast was clear and waved Kira and Renji both in, having decided that he was not going to take the fall for this alone. Old man Yamamoto was indeed in the shower. The door was closed and steam seeped from around the edges. Considering that Yama-Jii was the most powerful fire Shinigami, he was probably steaming the water as it came out of the showerhead, creating an effective steam bath.
Whispering, Kira asked nervously, "Did you find it yet?"
So he wasn't the only one who was nervous about this, thought Shuuhei with a self-satisfied grin. "No," he replied. "Look around. It's got to be here somewhere."
The room was simple in its décor, yet held signs that a powerful man lived here. The lines of the furniture were strong and stark. The floor was barren, save for a throw rug made from some unfortunate beast. Swords, sabers, and various other cutlasses hung from the walls in a display that reminded the trio that at any moment, the captain general could emerge from the shower and use any one of those weapons against them in what would surely be a bloody massacre.
Each man took a corner of the room and began searching cautiously, so as to not make a sound. Yama-Jii was known to have sharp hearing as well as sharp weapons.
"Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?" (1)
"What?" asked a startled Shuuhei. "Shut up, you idiot!" he hissed.
"I didn't say anything," protested Renji.
"Who did?"
"Kira, was that you?" whispered Renji hoarsely.
"It wasn't me," shrugged Kira.
"CAN'T BUY ME LO-OVE. EVERYBODY TELLS ME SO. CAN'T BUY ME LO-OVE. NO NO NO NOOOOO." (2)
The three men looked at each other across the room. "No!" said a flabbergasted Kira, "It can't be."
"I'm thinking it can be," smirked Renji.
Shuuhei, already tired, stressed, still hung over and maybe still a little drunk, started to laugh out loud. "Unbelievable!" he shrieked. "Yama-Jii sings in the shower! Oh, my Shinigami ass. I'm going to crap myself!"
"Shut up, you idiot. He's going to hear you!" Renji hissed, but Shuuhei was uncontrollable. Renji tackled him and threw him to the floor while Kira grabbed a pillow and shoved it in his face. "Shut up, shut up, shut up," Renji exhorted.
"Murfn mufrfrkn urmf."
"Sasakibe, is that you?" called a voice from the shower. The three vice captains froze instantly. Dreadfully long seconds passed before they heard Yama-Jii again. "ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? DO YOU MISS ME TONIGHT? ARE YOU SORRY WE DRIFTED APART?" (3)
"Hisagi," Renji hissed. "Are you together enough that I can let you up? Let's find that strap and get out of here."
Shuuhei nodded and Kira helped him to his feet. Grabbing Kira, he danced him around the room, singing lightly, "I feel good! I knew that I would, now! I feel good, I knew that I would, now. So good, so good, I got you." (4) He pulled the startled Kira into his arms and looked him straight in the eye as he finished. "You want more, don'tcha, Baby?"
Kira returned the mocking stare and pushed the laughing Shuuhei away, "I'm just glad it was you and not old man Yama. Are you sure you're not still drunk?"
Renji hoisted him up on his toes by the collar, "Save it for Nanao, now serious up, Hisagi. While you're at it, sober up, too."
Just then the front door swung open and Ikkaku burst in. "What the hell is going on in here? You sound like two tons of machinery in a battle to the death! We can hear you outside."
"Hisagi's being a damn fool. Help us find the strap, Ikkaku," ordered Renji.
"Didn't sound like him, besides I can't. Yumi'll be wondering where I am. Have you tried the bathroom?" he asked, turning to leave. "And keep it down in here!"
"I BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME, IT FELT GOOD TO BE OUT OF THE RAIN," sang the loud voice from the shower.
"That's what I heard!" exclaimed Ikkaku. "You mean that was the captain general singing in the shower?"
"IN THE DESERT, YOU CAN REMEMBER YOUR NAME CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO ONE FOR TO GIVE YOU NO PAIN. LA LA LA LALALALALA…" (5)
"Yep," said Hisagi, barely containing himself.
"Wait'll Yumi hears about this! Hurry up, you guys. The vice captain will be back at any moment. Try the bathroom." Ikkaku exited the quarters, laughing, to give Yumichika an update on what he had seen and heard.
"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A NEIGHBOR. WOULD YOU BE MINE? COULD YOU BE MINE?" (6)
"Maybe he's right," said Kira. "Maybe Yama-Jii doesn't take it off until he's in the bathroom. I can't imagine that he leaves it on in the shower. That would damage his beard something fierce."
"Thanks for the beauty tips, Harriet Hair-Do," insulted Renji. "The question is…"
He was interrupted by another burst of song.
"WAR...HUH...YEAH, WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...SAY IT AGAIN, Y'ALL." (7)
"The question is," Renji repeated, "Who's going in there?"
"My vote," said Kira quickly, "is for Hisagi. We're doing this for him after all."
"WE ARE FAMILY…"
"I didn't ask you to," Shuuhei protested.
"…I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME…"
"I don't want to be here in the first place. This whole thing is stupid."
"…WE ARE FAMILY…"
"Yea, stupid or not, Spike Hair, like Yama-Jii just sang, we're in this together.
"…GET UP EVERYBODY, SING…" (8)
"Me and Kira will support you no matter what, so stop your yapping, get in there and get that hair binding so's we can get out of here before Sasakibe comes back or worse, the old man gets out of the shower and cooks us alive."
"Come on, Shu. Renji's right. We're here for you, so man up and get it over with." Kira pushed him towards the bathroom door. Sensing his extreme reluctance whether out of fear or hangover, Renji pushed him through it, steam pouring out of the door as it opened. Shuuhei came to a skidding stop on the slick tile floor. He was enveloped in steam, but he could still make out the form of the older man behind a shower curtain in front of him. Quickly, he ducked down next to the bathroom sink, out of Yama-Jii's line of view.
When the old man turned around, Shuuhei put his head up, searching for the binding that had held his beard. He spotted it on the floor across the bathroom. Crouching on all fours, he extended himself on his belly and slowly emerged from his hiding spot to slither across the bathroom floor. By now, his hair was soaked from the steam heat, sweat dripped down his forehead into his eyes and his head was pounding. Perspiration and humidity made his uniform heavy and cling to his body. He felt faint.
Renji and Kira, on the other side of the door, were clinging to each other.
"Do you think he's too hung-over to do this?" asked Kira.
"I wish you'd thought of that before we shoved him through the door," moaned Renji.
If Hisagi got caught, Yama-Jii would have no mercy. Rules are rules, and rules were not meant to be broken. Yet here they were, breaking into the captain general's apartment to steal his beard binding. Neither Kira nor Renji were certain that Yama-Jii would be appeased by their intentions to return it as soon as the tasks were completed.
"GO ON NOW, GO! WALK OUT THE DOOR!"
"Renji, he caught him!" shrieked Kira in horror.
"JUST TURN AROUND NOW, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT WELCOME ANYMORE!"
Renji looked at Kira, "That's a weird thing to say. Listen.
"WEREN'T YOU THE ONE WHO TRIED TO HURT ME WITH GOODBYE, DID I CRUMBLE? DID YOU THINK I'D LAY DOWN AND DIE?"
He slapped Kira across the head, "The old man's singing again! The ebony haired ninja of love must still be okay."
"He'd hate it if you called him that."
"He would, wouldn't he?"
"So you're going to, right?"
"Of course, that's what buddies do!" Renji stopped abruptly. "Kira, do you hear that? Voices! I think Sasakibe is back."
Kira crept to the door. "He is! Yumi and Ikkaku are keeping him busy."
Voices drifted in from outside the apartment. "So tell Ikkaku about yourself, Vice Captain. He's always commenting about how dashing you look."
"Really?"
"Er…yea."
"I owe it all to Sarah Tay, really. I should show you my Reiatsu Restorative collection some day."
"OH NO, NOT I. I WILL SURVIVE, OH, AS LONG AS I KNOW HOW TO LOVE, I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE. I'VE GOT ALL MY LIFE TO LIVE, I'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE AND I'LL SURVIVE, I WILL SURVIVE. HEY, HEY." (9)
I will survive, thought Hisagi. Hang-over or not, I'm a trained warrior, damn it. Now get that binding, Hisagi, and get the hell out of here.
He stretched out his hand and felt for the tie. Grabbing an end, he pulled it, not realizing that it was underneath a bottle of hair tonic. The tonic clattered to the floor. Hisagi froze for a split second, then scurried back to his hiding place on the other side of the vanity.
"Is that you, Sasakibe? We've talked about this. No sneaky peeky at the captain general while he's in the shower. Sasakibe?" Shuuhei flattened himself against the wall and held his breath. The shower curtain opened swiftly; the old man stuck his head out of the shower and squinted around the steam-filled room. "Hmph," he snorted. As the curtain closed with a swish, Shuuhei breathed a sigh of relief.
"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT, AND THEN A STEP TO THE RIGHT…"
As the musical cacophony resumed, Shuuhei cautiously made his way to the door. Opening it slowly, he tried to creep through, low to the ground, but Renji and Kira had other ideas. They grabbed him by the uniform and yanked, sending all three sprawling on the floor.
"We've got to get out of here," rasped Renji. "Sasakibe's right outside the door."
"WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS, YOU BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT…"
The three scrambled for the window, diving out to the fading sound of Yama-Jii rocking out, "BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSANE, LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! " (10)
Outside in the nearby trees, Kira asked anxiously, "Did you get it?"
"Right here," a triumphant Shuuhei held up a long leather binding strap with the few long white hairs tangled in it. "Mission accomplished. We have 'removed the bindings of many years.' Whether or not this makes us wise remains to be seen." He had always felt exhilarated, as if on an adrenaline high, after completing particularly difficult missions. Today was no exception, a sure cure for a hang-over.
"Come on, Action Hero, we gotta save Yumi and Ikkaku." Renji grabbed him by the collar and pulled. Shuuhei tossed the binding to Kira, who tucked it into his hakama. The trio rounded the corner in time to hear Sasakibe say, "That's too bad. Well, if you ever change your mind and want a full body massage, I know just the oil for your skin type. It'll have you tingling all over, and I do mean all over," he said, a slightly smarmy tone to his voice.
"Ah, there you are!" called Renji. "Yumi, Ikkaku, we've been looking all over for you! Hello, Sasakibe."
"Abarai, Kira. Hisagi, why are you damp?" asked the older man.
"Work-out, Choujiro," replied Hisagi, feigning a pant. "Just came from a work-out."
"In your uniform, instead of work-out clothing? How odd, but then I don't always understand the younger generation. Well," he said, "the captain general is waiting for me. Don't forget about my offer, Shiny One. Any time, any place. I'll make it worth your while." With a wink to Ikkaku, he brushed past Yumichika and entered the apartment. When he was safely out of view, Ikkaku shuddered. "I feel so used."
"You liked it, admit it," said Yumichika.
"Dude, he was coming on to me. Why didn't he come on to you?"
"Are you kidding? I'm his rival. He thinks we're lovers."
"Lovers!? I don't swing that way!"
"Maybe no," said Yumi, "but apparently, he thinks so. Must have been when you sniffed his cologne. You're a tease, Ikkaku."
"I am not! He asked me to!" countered Ikkaku.
"And do you always do what strange men ask you to do?"
Renji interrupted with a nudge, "We need to get out of here."
"Right," agreed Ikkaku.
Yumichika sighed, "Once a tease, always a tease."
"Well," said Shuuhei with renewed enthusiasm, "at least Ikkaku got a date out of this, even if I still have a ways to go. One task down. What's next?"
Artwork:
Yama-jii in the Shower- bcollie9./art/Yama-Jii-Warpin-It-Up-90406766 (she put an adult warning on it, but only because it's a shower scene. No real nudity or offensive behavior.)
The Burger Kuchiki from Chapter 3 "Hooked"- bcollie9./art/Kuchiki-the-Burger-King-90595782
My appreciation to these great songs and artists:
(1) Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour (On the Bed Post Over Night?), 1961; sung by Lonnie Donegan, 'King of the Skiffle.'
(2) Can't Buy Me Love, written by Paul McCartney, credited to Lennon/McCartney, 1964; sung by the Beatles.
(3) Are You Lonesome Tonight?, words & music by Roy Turk and Lou Handman, 1926; sung by Elvis Presley, 1960.
(4) I Got You (I Feel Good), written and sung by James Brown, 1965.
(5) Horse With No Name, written by Dewey Bunnell, 1971; sung by America.
(6) Won't You Be My Neighbor?, written and sung by Fred Rogers, 1962 (?), Mister Rogers Neighborhood theme song.
(7) War, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong, 1969; sung by Edwin Starr.
(8) We Are Family, written by Bernard Edwards and Nile Rodgers, 1979; sung by Sister Sledge.
(9) I Will Survive, written by Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris, 1978; sung by Gloria Gaynor.
(10) Time Warp, written by Richard O'Brien, 1973(?); for The Rocky Horror Picture Show.