TMNT are not mine.
Crack. Like, extreme crack. Delving into the area of not-being crack and more WTF is this? Um yeah. Lots of talk about sex. And penises. And more sex. It's kinda disturbing. I don't know where it came from. My brain was in a strange place. Somehow I never imagined that I'd create an OC fifth turtle this way. I tweaked the rating just to be safe.
"Let me get this straight," Leo said, "You…were formed from our repressed sexual energy. And you've managed to father three hundred and fifty nine babies?"
"You have a lot of sexual energy," Benjamin replied coolly, "Emphasis on A LOT."
"Bu-but why?" Leo asked, sagging wearily to the floor. It was a lie! He didn't want kids! He didn't want sex! He was Leonardo the Pure! Sex was beneath him! This was all his brothers' fault!
"Sex tends to equal babies," the manifestation answered with the tone of someone talking to an ignorant person.
"But how?" Mikey piped up.
Benjamin glanced at him, shifting slightly against the rope. "How what?"
"How did your spiritual sperm impregnate all those women? In fact, how do women conceive babies that are half human and half turtle anyway?"
"Actually," Violet began in a thoughtful tone, "There is no scientific reason for a turtle's sperm to fertilize a human egg. No matter how mutated you are, the simple fact remains that our DNA is completely incompatible. The zygote would be unviable and the pregnancy would terminate before it even began. The only organisms capable of bearing a mutant turtle would have to be another mutant turtle."
The turtles blinked at her. "Where did that come from?" Mikey muttered.
"I'm a scientist," Violet giggled.
"I thought you were a ninja," Raph accused.
"I'm a ninja and a scientist," she replied airily. "I had lots of spare time."
"She looks mighty fine when she wears that lab coat," Benjamin added.
"Shut up," Raph growled, reaching down to smack the manifestation.
Unperturbed, Benjamin cocked an eye-ridge, "I don't feel pain," he said, "All I feel is raging lust and the urge to spread my seed as far as possible. But keep hitting me if you will. I'm sure I can get off that as well."
With a snarl, Raph backed away. "I vote we kill this guy."
"You can't kill me; I exist as long as you guys have supressed sexual urges."
"Are you saying the only way to get rid of you is to go off and have sex with someone?" Mikey asked gleefully, inching away.
Leo's hand fell heavily on his shoulder. "No," the katana wielder said firmly, "We are not going to do that. That sounds incredibly irresponsible."
"Dude, come on! Having sex with someone to get rid of the enemy? How can you not go for this?"
"I just want to kill this smarmy bastard," Raph growled, "It's pretty hard to kill a person when you're having sex with someone."
"No, no," Mikey protested, "We're ninjas! Killing people is, like our speciality. I'm pretty sure we could kill a person while having sex. Right Leo?"
The blue banded turtle narrowed his eyes as he considered the question. "I don't…think s-"
"I mean, you're a super ninja!" his brother wheedled, "You have mad ninja skillz that the Ancient One taught you. You could do it, right?"
Leo huffed at the challenge of his ninjitsu skills, "Hu-yeah, of course I could," he said confidently. After all, he was Leonardo, all things ninja!
"Prove it," Mikey dared, staring his brother down. "I dare you bro, prove it!"
"Alright fine!" Leo snapped, "I bet you I could do it!"
"I bet you I could kill five people while having sex with someone," Mikey quickly bragged.
"Oh, you are so on!"
Benjamin nudged Raph's foot as the two turtles stared each other down. "That one's got a lot of weird kinks," the manifestation mumbled, "I'm actually kind of disturbed by them."
"Mikey?"
"No. Leo. Say, Violet's right, you are kind of hot."
Shooting his brothers (who were ignoring what was going on) a horrified glance, Raph reached down and smacked Benjamin again. "Shut the fuck up!"
"Oooh, hit me again! I like it!"
"Raph, what are you doing with the manifestation of our sexual urges?" Leo asked, briefly glancing at the two.
Raph froze and Benjamin's head popped up beside him, "Do you have any idea how hot your brother is?" Benjamin asked.
"Which one of you is sexually attracted to me?" Raphael hissed furiously,
"Dude, have you looked at your face lately?" Mikey asked, "That's definitely not what I consider sexy."
"Raph, I love you but only as a brother and even then it's a strained, sometimes I want to kill you, you asshole, kind of brotherly love," Leo replied.
The three turtles fell silent as they considered this. "Don is sexually attracted to Raph?" Leo mumbled, a look of horror spreading across his face.
"No way! To RAPH?" Mikey protested. "I mean, if he was going to be attracted to one of us, you'd think he'd pick one of the good looking turtles but-RAPH?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Benjamin cut in cheerfully, "Think about it. Animals are attracted to other members of the same species. And male and female turtles don't look very different. There is always going to be a basic level of sexual attraction between all of you."
"Killing him. Now. Someone needs to kill him," Raph groaned.
"I'm curious about how we conceived children," Violet piped up from the dark corner she'd spent most of this conversation in. "As Mikey said; it's spectral sperm. How does that work?"
The manifestation frowned thoughtfully. "You know, I have no idea," he said brightly, "The babies are total miracles. But you could come over here and untie me and we could try to find out together."
Raph stomped (rather redundantly) on Benjamin's foot. "Oooh, don't be jealous Raph!" Benjamin said in a flirty tone. "We could have a threesome!"
"I hate you," the turtle informed him.
"So Leo," Mikey said, deciding that the conversation had really, really degenerated into topics he didn't want to go down, "Do you want to start that contest?"
Leo raised an eye-ridge cockily, "Are you ready to lose Mikey?"
The orange-banded turtle snorted and puffed confidently. "I'm ready to-HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT?"
He pointed a finger at the bottom of Benjamin's plastron where something was, was-
"THE FUCK IS THAT?" Raph jerked away from the manifestation, a disturbed look on his face.
"That is my penis," Benjamin said calmly. "Warned you about the ropes, didn't I?"
"It's not supposed to be there!" Leo squeaked, incredibly creeped out and crossing his legs just in case his own suddenly decided to vacate his tail and move there for some strange reason.
"And it's so small!" Mikey exclaimed with a hint of laughter in his voice.
His two brothers shot him dirty looks as they gestured helplessly at the strange organ.
"Well, I didn't want to have the same trouble you guys were having so I moved things around," Benjamin said with a dismissive shrug. "You have no right to laugh when your monster dicks are keeping you from getting laid."
"Just put it away. Please," Leo begged. If the weird location wasn't enough, the fascinated look on Violet's face was going to give him nightmares from life. No, just the knowledge that a mutant turtle has a penis in their PLASTRON was going to give him nightmares.
"Can't," the manifestation grunted.
"Don't tell me that, put it away!" Raph hissed disgustedly.
"CAN'T!" Benjamin emphasised. "Donny boy is having a good time. I'll go down when he goes down."
"Cover it with your legs or something!" Raph glanced around the alley for anything to shield the offending organ from view.
Benjamin crossed his legs over, paused for a second, then obnoxiously spread his legs out even further, rendering the three turtles blind. Raph finally managed to locate a plastic bag and he quickly covered the manifestation's lower plastron and dragged Violet's curious hand away from him.
"Don's jacking off?" Mikey closed his eyes, looking immensely sickened. "I didn't need to know that."
"Well he can't, he's looking after all those kids!" Leo exclaimed, flipping open his shell cell. "That's incredibly irresponsible."
"Dude, you're gonna call him when he's jacking off?" Mikey asked, numbly wandering further down the alleyway away from the others to protect the fragile remains of his sanity.
Leo paused, glanced down at his phone as he considered calling his brother. Eventually, he placed the shell cell back on his belt. "I'll call him when he's finished."
"He's actually having sex with Karai," Benjamin said, just as a shudder went through him and his skin lost its faint olive hue. "Ah…that's better, they're done now."
"HE'S WHAT?" Leo flipped his shell cell open and immediately dialled his brother's number.
As Leo waited for Don to answer, Benjamin shot Raph a saucy wink. "Hey hotness, want me to give you a ride?"
"Leo?" Don's voice sounded a tad out of breath.
"Don, where are you?" Leo said, as Raph began to strangle Benjamin.
The manifestation gave an odd screech before he began to groan, "Oh yeah baby! That's exactly how I like it!"
"…What's going on there Leo?" Don asked.
"Don, are you anywhere in the near vicinity of Karai and does she have her clothes on?" Leo demanded.
"…No? Er, yes, er I'm nowhere near Karai and her clothes are- how would I know whether she had clothes on or not?"
"You're in the Foot tower with Karai aren't you?" Leo sighed, watching Raph's continued strangling attempt and wincing as Benjamin's moans became increasingly excited.
"Um yeah, but about that voice in the background-"
"Ignore that, that's just the manifestation of all our sexual desires that Raph is attempting to strangle. Why did you have-"
"Not Don's anymore!" Benjamin abruptly exclaimed, shacking the oxygen deprivation induced pleasure from his head.
"What?" Raph released him in shock.
"Don just had sex with Karai so like, all the energy from his pent up desires has gone. He's no longer a part of me now."
"Who is that?" Don asked snippily, "How did he know about that? And what's all this talk about manifesting sexual energy?"
"What do you mean- WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUT YOU HAVING SEX WITH KARAI?" Leo roared.
Leo stepped away from the group as he began to argue furiously over the phone. "So," Mikey said, materialising beside Violet. "Having sex does take away your energy right?"
Benjamin nodded calmly. "Oh yes, I'll disappear once you all go off and bop someone. Of course, I'll come back if you don't make it a regular habit."
"Well, it looks like Leo's gonna be busy with Don for a while, I'm going to start that competition of ours in the mean-"
Mikey gave a startled yelp as Leo swung round, hand closing on Mikey's wrist. He pulled the phone away and glared at Mikey, "You are not going to sleep with as many random women as you can and kill people! You are coming with me to pick up Don! Raph, take Benjamin and Violet back to the lair, we'll deal with this later!"
Leo dragged his brother from the alleyway and for a few moments, the remaining three people stood in silence. "So uh," Benjamin shifted awkwardly against the rope, "You guys want to have that threesome?"