Jackson pottered around the kitchen and cooked up a breakfast which he plated and placed down on the table in front of Leroy before joining him with his own. He pored himself a strong coffee and was about to pour Leroy a glass of milk when he caught the kids eye, "what is it Leroy?"
"Dad when you said earlier we needed food, well…" Leroy paused, "you also said that we needed coffee and I wondered whether I could have coffee Sir, I mean I know I don't deserve it and all that and I'm hardly in a position to ask for any favours and I know I'm only 14 but I know people often drink it to give them the power to get through tough situations and well I'm guessing I've got a pretty tough one coming up and er well, I er," he paused again, "I could do with all the power and help I can find."
Jackson looked into the eyes of his son, holding Leroy's chin in his hand and carefully studying his face.
"I'm sorry Sir, I didn't mean to be cheeky, it's just that I'm scared," mumbled Leroy.
"I know you must be Son," said Jackson, "but I'm guessing that if you are man enough to meet this problem head on with me and not run out on it then you are grown up enough to have a coffee, go grab a mug."
Leroy rose to fetch a mug from the cabinet, "thank you Dad."
Jackson watched as Leroy manfully tried to drink down the bitter brew without shuddering and pretended he didn't see Leroy pop several sugars into it when he thought his Dad wasn't watching.
"You finished with that plate Leroy?" asked Jackson as Leroy pushed the last piece of egg around his plate.
"Yes Sir, I'm sorry I can't finish it all," replied Leroy.
"That's fine, go put it in the sink and then go and wait for me in the living room, I'll be through in a few minutes ok," said Jackson who was no more looking forward to this than was his son.
Leroy nodded and went and sat on the couch.
When Jackson finally came into the room, Leroy went to stand, as he had always been made to in the past at the point where he accepted his wrong doing and accept his punishment. He'd been thinking it over in his mind throughout the walk home, throughout breakfast and again whilst waiting for his father, he wanted to be a man and own up to his mistakes. However Jackson spoke first.
"Leroy, you and me need to sit and talk, both of us, so take a seat son," he started.
"Dad, I know what I did wrong and I'm prepared to accept it Sir," responded Leroy still standing.
"I know you are Leroy and we will get to that point but I think we both need to work out what got the both of us into this position and why we feel like we do, 'cos I tell you now son, I'm don't think I've got it in me to lose you, or watch you processed through a Sherriff's office again," he stated.
Leroy sat back onto the couch whilst his dad pulled up the footstool in front of him and sat down too.
"I did a lot of thinking last night Leroy, about you and me and how it's been since we lost mom," began Jackson, "and I owe you an apology Son."
Leroy was taken aback. "Dad you don't owe me anything, it's me that's been behaving like a brat and acting out."
"Yeah you have but I tried to look at what was making you act out and I worked out that I am responsible for a lot of that, so I'm going to start by owning up to my part and trying to explain how I feel and I'd like you to listen to me first and then I would like you to tell me how you feel and why. Then we are going to work out how we stop this happening again, ok?"
"Yes Sir," answered Leroy.
"Good, then let me tell you about your mom and me," he stated, "you know I never loved another woman like I loved your mom, and I loved her even more the day she gave me you. If she had never given me anything again in her life I wouldn't have cared a damn, but your mom, well she never did stop giving. No-one is ever going to be able to replace that."
He looked into his son's eyes, "I mean it Leroy, I really do and I need you to know that, but it doesn't mean that I wasn't foolish enough to look for ways of lessening that loss and replacing some of those things I loved about your mom. I thought that having people my age to talk to about her and laugh about the old times would help ease my pain, and when they brought cookies and cake and brownies, none of them as good as hers, I thought it might replace some of those special little things she did to make me and you smile."
He allowed tears to start falling down his face. Leroy had never seen his Dad cry openly before, at least not in front of him, he'd heard him once or twice in the nights after his mom passed, crying in his bed late at night when he thought Leroy was asleep, but never in front of his son.
"Dad you don't need to do this," Leroy begged him, "please Dad I don't like seeing you upset."
"No Son, if I don't get this out now, it's going to poison our relationship and I can't let that happen. You see in everything that was going on I forgot the one thing that made me love her the most, and that was you. I guess you and me well we are similar in many ways, both bad at showing emotions and when you lock them away you become blind to the very thing that can help you. We should have talked, we were the only two that knew what it was like to really lose her, I should have seen you for the man I know you are becoming but I thought I was protecting you like the little boy that you once were. I got it wrong, can't always pretend I will get it right from now on but I'd like to try, I just need you to tell me properly like an adult when I'm being over protective and I need you to recognize that as a father you aren't ever going to get me to completely drop that act, not even when you are as old and as grey as me. You're my son, it's my job to worry about you. You think you can help me out on this?"
"Yes Dad," answered Leroy, "does that mean that Mrs Hannigan and the others won't be coming around again?"
"Mrs Hannigan, no, won't have no stranger telling me what to do with my son," he answered, "but I hope you might allow me to have a few of the others here on occasions so that I can share your moms stories with them. I promise it won't be as often and I can assure you that I am not going to let any of them replace your mom, they never could in any respect."
"Do I need to apologise to Mrs Hannigan for destroying her food and calling her a witch?" asked Leroy.
"I think that if you don't say something to her then you will hang onto that guilt," said Jackson, "but perhaps writing her a letter to say it might be a better idea than facing her."
"Yes Sir, I'll do that and I want you to know that I know it's not acceptable to go around using language like that and especially not to ladies and I won't do it again, well I promise I will try my best not to ever," said Leroy. "And I can try to get used to seeing those other ladies here but I am struggling with that."
"What's the biggest problem with it all Leroy?" asked Jackson.
"Please don't be angry if I tell you," asked Leroy.
"I told you son this is a talk man to man, no shouting, no lies, laying ourselves open so that we can move forward," responded Jackson.
"Well I know you don't see them as replacing mom, but they see themselves as doing just that, I see the look on their faces and them fluttering their eyelashes at you, and pretending to be nice and motherly to me to win you over, and I hear the kids at school talking about you being the eligible bachelor that all the single ladies of the town are after and it hurts me, I know it shouldn't but if other people are saying all that how long will it be until even just a little bit of it comes true?"
Jackson sat in shock; he'd not for a minute thought about what the women's intentions were, all he was sure of is that his own intentions didn't include finding a new mom for his son.
"Leroy, I'm sorry I never thought of it like that, never saw it from that side of things at all, guess I never looked at it from any other point of view than mine and I guess that you were left just to try to work out what all the intentions were not really knowing any side of it at all," said Jackson.
"I thought it was what you wanted," said Leroy, "I was angry at you."
"Is that why you and me haven't been able to talk properly before now?" asked Jackson.
"I guess so," muttered Leroy, "in part anyway."
"Can you tell me what other things are making it difficult?"
"It's that I don't think you have told me the truth about why mom died," said Leroy, "I feel you are hiding something really important from me, is it something I did to make her worse, is that why you aren't telling me?"
"Oh god no Leroy," cried Jackson, "how have I made you feel that?"
"It's just that I know she was ill, but she was still here, she was still mom and I know she got tired really easy, and was sick quite a lot and we had that argument about me going to the football game the night she died and you had wanted me to forego the game to help you out at the store with the audit because Clive was on vacation and we needed to get it done real quick. I know mom got upset when we argued, and I heard her start crying as I went out of the door, and then when I came home she was gone and the police and the medics were here and I never got to say I was sorry to her, or tell her I loved her again or say goodbye. My behaviour killed her."
Jackson couldn't believe that he had missed his son thinking this. To be honest that night had been a blur after he returned home from the pharmacist, he'd forgot about the raging battle that had ensued between himself and Leroy about the game. He had never dreamed that the kid would blame himself for his mothers death.
"You must never think that anything you or I did killed her," cried Jackson, moving to the couch beside his son and pulling him into his embrace, "she was ill, she was dying and they couldn't make her better."
"I know all of that Dad," said Leroy pulling away thinking that his Dad was still not telling him everything, "but I'm not stupid, I know she went from ill to dead really quickly, too quickly and the only thing that I can see that happened that night that upset that could have made her worse was me and my behaviour."
"Leroy, you didn't kill her, you didn't make her worse," pleaded Jackson not knowing how to tell his son the truth on this.
"But something happened Dad, I wasn't gone that long and when I came back she was gone, perhaps I didn't see how ill she was, perhaps I missed something, I should have known and I could have done something, she might still be here, we could have had longer together," Leroy was now distraught.
"Leroy there was nothing you could have done, there was nothing either of us could have done, she didn't want to suffer anymore son, she didn't want us to see her get steadily more poorly to the point that we wouldn't recognize her or remember her as she was when she was well, she chose to go, she chose the time, she thought that we would both be out doing that audit, she upped her morphine to take the pain away, to take control back over the illness," Jackson was desperate to explain but didn't know how to finally say it.
"You're saying she killed herself," cried Leroy.
"Son, she was trying to save us from seeing her in more pain," tried Jackson.
"Dad just say it, stop making excuses, she killed herself," shouted Leroy.
"Yes Son, she did but she did it for all the reasons I'm telling you," Jackson held onto his son, who screamed out loud and beat his fists against his fathers chest, "why didn't you tell me, you made me hate you, did you want to leave me too?"
Jackson shook his son to try to stop him, "Leroy listen to me, you have to listen."
He persisted, "she loved you to the end."
"No she didn't or she would have stayed," screamed Leroy. "She left me, and she made me feel guilty."
"She never meant it to be like that," said Jackson not knowing what to do except for hold onto his son.
"Did you know?" suddenly asked Leroy.
"Know what?" replied Jackson confused.
"That's why you wanted me to go with you to the audit isn't it, so I'd be out of the house, so I wouldn't know, you knew and you were going to stop me from being there," accused Leroy.
"That's not true Leroy, I didn't know either, she left both of us," said Jackson.
"Then how do you know why she did it?" asked Leroy.
"Because she left me a note Son, she told me in a letter."
The two clung to each other. Neither speaking further. Leroy finally falling asleep, his father holding his head in his lap and stroking his hair in a vain attempt to try to soothe his son.
Leroy slept for seven straight hours, the crash, the night in jail, the conversation with his father had taken it out of him, there was still more to be said, still more to be done, but they had made a start.