It's been so long! I apologize! I'm coming close to a super pivotal chapter (spoiler alert I suppose...) so I wanted this one to be as good as possible. Though I'm still not completely sure I like it yet, I figured it was about time I updated. Plus I'm about halfway through the next chapter, so it shouldn't be too long. Reviews and speculations and such are always welcome - it's nice to see what you think. Your thoughts are important to me! =]
Jane stood vigil on the walkway leading towards Maura's front door. Though she was unmoving, the cool spring air toyed with her dark twisted hair, breaking the image of a solitary stone statue Jane presented. Whatever organs were stuffed inside her torso (of which Maura would name every single one) were twisting against each other in waves of nervous nausea. Her hand moved to hover inches from the door, poised to knock but not quite prepared to finish the task. Jane whispered a quick pep-talk into the empty air.
"Just answer all her questions. Truthfully. She will understand. She has to…"
Jane nodded definitively, as if solidify certainty to her words, before tapping her knuckles gently against the wood door. It took just a few moments before the barrier slowly opened just enough to show Maura's face and the side of her body leaning against the inside of her doorway. Maura's face was cut by the small space between the door and its frame, leaving just the important features of her face visible.
Jane looked through the small space and smiled reassuringly.
"Hey Maura."
"Jane." Maura responded, nodding her head in hello and opening the door further, allowing a full view of her body. Her shoulder remained leaning against the inside doorframe however. Light hair was tied back leaving Maura's weary expression and tired eyes the focal point. Slate blue fabric clung to her body in a simple shirt paired with jeans. Jane had rarely seen Maura so casual outside of exercise wear, and yet she was still much more put together than Jane felt on her best days.
"Are you going to let me in?" Jane asked, her voice laced with both soft teasing and nervous seriousness. A slight frown crumpled her forehead in worry that Maura had changed her mind. Maybe she still wasn't ready to talk yet – it had only been a few days after all. Was it too soon?
"Of course, of course…" Maura shook her head in slight embarrassment at her lack of manners, cleansing Jane of her doubts. She quickly looked over Jane's whole figure before meeting her eyes. "My mind was elsewhere. Please…" Taking a few steps backwards, Maura opened her home to Jane, holding the door gaping wide. Slowly, Jane moved past Maura making sure to avoid any contact with the other woman. Once inside she stopped and stood awkwardly just within the doorway. Standing completely still Jane waited for Maura to close the door behind her and show her the most appropriate place to sit. This was completely new territory for Jane.
Maura glided past Jane towards her living room, a quick brush of the back of her hand along Jane's pants as she walked. Completely subconsciously, Jane's hand moved to rest where Maura's had just momentarily touched, as if to scratch an itch or soothe a burn. Silently, she followed her friend who was walking toward the couch. Maura radiated a sense of resolution, as if she knew already what was going to happen. In confusion, Jane took a seat on the farthest available space from where Maura had settled.
And there they sat for indefinite minutes; on opposite sides of Maura's luxurious couch, both trying to avoid raw eye contact. They were never very good at avoiding eye contact with each other. Maura met Jane's eyes in a startling, splintering stare, demanding Jane's full focus of all her senses. Jane could feel her mouth hanging slightly open, as if unhinged, all chances of cognitive thought seeping out through the hole. Completely frozen in Maura's gaze, Jane was unable to even attempt to interpret what Maura might have been feeling, or to even feel anything herself.
Maura opened her mouth as if to speak. No words were ever spoken however, as Maura continued to look directly at Jane, unwavering. Her hands rested peacefully in her lap and her naked lips were spread into a tight line. Until Maura's tongue slowly slid across them leaving a glistening sheen behind. Maura looked down to Jane's hands which were clinging tightly to the hem of her shirt, bunching the white button-up into a nervous wad.
"Jane…" Maura started, letting the name slip from her lips. Jane felt her heart tighten. She waited in anticipation and dread for the conversation to finally start. "You'll wrinkle your shirt if you keep tugging at it like that."
"It's not nearly as important as your clothes." She looked down at her shirt and detangled her fingers as she spoke. Jane marveled at how sometimes whatever was happening in Maura's mind was completely displayed in open innocence on her face, while other times it was next to impossible to guess what she was thinking. It was infuriating, not knowing, being able to anticipate and adjust accordingly. She was a detective, for god's sake! She should be perfectly able to read Maura's body language at the least. "Anyway, I'm just nervous…"
"I don't mean to make you nervous Jane. I'm simply collecting my thoughts at the moment. I want to approach this as organized and rational as possible." Maura said, finally advancing toward the subject, but not yet breaching the barrier. Determination decorated Maura's voice as she nodded her head in a definitive movement.
"Well, you can take all the time you need. I'm on desk duty, so they won't be missing me much if I just take the rest of the day." Jane muttered sourly.
"Desk duty? Why on earth were you demoted to desk duty? You haven't done anything wrong." Maura added as an afterthought, "Though it may be beneficial, forcing you to work through that stack of paperwork you so effectively avoid."
"When you just happen to, in a random sequence of events, catch the mighty Paddy Doyle while other officers have devoted years to tracking him down, people become suspicious. It's for the best I guess." Jane shrugged, stopping herself before finishing her thought. Because I've been distracted. I can't function properly, on the job or life in general, when you're mad at me.
Maura tilted her head as if contemplating the validity of the reason for Jane's downgrade. Wisps of light hair fell out of her ponytail and framed her face from the movement. The golden twists lacing her face gave Maura an almost ethereal appearance. "Then I apologize, Jane. I didn't realize you were having a hard time at work. As well as….here"
"Naw." Jane waved off Maura's apology with one of her not so elegant slang terms. "At the moment it's only for 'till next Thursday. Plus, this –" she gestured helplessly in the empty space between herself and Maura, "Is much more important."
"Right. This…" Maura mirrored Jane's movement with a strained smirk, her hand waving across the space between them. It was a strange gesticulation coming from such a poised woman. "I suppose we should go to it then."
"You mean… Get to it?"
"Either way."
"Right. But we are doing such a fabulous job at stalling." Jane shifted into a less rigid and much more comfortable position. No matter how insignificant or fleeting it was, this teasing conversation was a small ray of sunlight pushing its way through a grimy window. Temporary and tainted by the darkness, but a glimmer of hope none-the-less.
"That we are. Speaking of stalling…" Gracefully, Maura stood from the couch and walked towards her kitchen. "When you came in, I was making lunch. And since you're working, you must be hungry. We can talk over a light salad, sandwiches and iced tea." She called over her shoulder. Jane watched Maura glide through her home, as if trying to out-grace whatever ugly tension was held between them.
"Really Maura. Now you're stalling without shame." Chuckling, Jane stood and followed in Maura's footsteps towards the chairs around the island in her immaculate kitchen. Sitting tentatively on the chair opposite from Maura's, the cool counter of the island between them, Jane toyed with a fork next to her overflowing lunch plate. She didn't even look at her food. Instead, Jane watched Maura lift a glass to her lips. But that definitely wasn't iced tea. The color was much too deep and the smell of alcohol much too strong.
Maura closed her eyes and took one more sip, or rather a gulp, before setting the wine back down and looking Jane directly in the eyes.
"At this moment Jane, I don't want any apologies. I don't want you to feel guilty or anything that you might be feeling. I just want to…better understand. I need the facts to process."
"I can avoid apologies. For now. But I will feel guilty no matter what you say. I'm not nearly as good at…" Jane waved her hand in the air, searching for a fitting word. "Compartmentalizing," She smiled briefly in a self-congratulation, "as you are. What you said yesterday is right. We are probably going to be embarrassingly emotional very soon."
Jane watched with interest as Maura seemed to find that funny, attempting to hide her knowing smirk behind another sip of wine.
In stark contrast, Maura's face turned painfully guarded as the glass was removed from obstructing her face.
"Jane…I'm curious. What were you thinking when you shot Doyle? What was going through your mind?"
Slowly, Jane sucked in a deep breath, her cheeks puffing slightly from the pressure before it all whooshed out like an untied balloon being let loose. Looking down at her glass of iced tea, Jane wondered where her wine was. Because she could really use some right about now. She sat still for a few moments, contemplating, before she moved to pick up her tea. She needed time to think – an excuse to think. However, the slippery condensation glazing the outside of the glass coupled with her trembling hands made for a dangerous combination, and Jane decided not to risk it, dreading the sound of crashing glass that was sure to come if she attempted to handle it.
Looking up, Jane watched Maura watching her. Not for the first time she wondered what Maura was thinking, until she remembered she was waiting for Jane to respond.
"I uh…I wasn't." Jane's voice was thick and rough, though it was hardly louder than a meek whisper. She cleared her throat uncomfortably and shifted in her seat before continuing.
"At that point in time, he wasn't your father. He was a dangerous man with a gun. A chaotic element in an already dangerous situation. And I had to gain some control back – there were too many unknowns in that room for anyone to be safe. Especially you. You were out in the open and unprotected. I had to…lower the amount of unknowns."
"You know he wouldn't shoot me. Or you for that matter. No one in that room was going to hurt you or me, save the previously shot fireman. I mean, I don't see the… necessity." Maura's eyes fell to study the dark red wine, and Jane could practically see the gears grinding in her head as she grasped for understanding and answers.
"Maura, it was a knee-jerk reaction. I wasn't thinking about anything except getting some control over my operation. I couldn't have it end up in a disaster." Jane leaned forward, placing her elbows on either side of her untouched salad, cradling her head in her hands. "It did anyway though. It ended in total disaster. Didn't it?" Her voice was muffled by her hands and the dark twists of hair had fallen in front of Jane's face, creating a nearly black barrier around her face.
Jane remembered a painfully vivid image of Maura, leaning over Doyle's body and looking at her with pure, passionate rage. Staying completely still, unable to see Maura's face, she waited for an answer. But she could only hear the slow breathing of the other woman. Nothing more, nothing less. It was a bitter sweet melody, both lulling Jane and putting her on edge. Inhale – She's still here, she hasn't left me yet. Exhale – She hasn't said anything, what is she thinking?
"I think I understand. Maybe not every detail in its entirety, but I understand the concept of what you are saying. You were just doing your job, you mean?" Maura's words finally came, like a ray of light bursting through heavy, silent clouds. Jane fully lifted her head in optimistic anticipation, looking at Maura with shining eyes.
"Yes. Exactly." It was all Jane could get together in her hopeful bliss. She wasn't quite smiling, but Jane was sure she was beaming regardless. Maura was beginning to understand, and not a single tear had been shed. However, Maura's face remained contorted in contemplation. Dark eyes followed Maura's hand as she finished what little was left of her wine. Jane hadn't even noticed her drinking that much.
"Mmm. I thought it was something like that. Not that I was assuming, just deducing. I don't know what to think about that yet."
"I… I understand that this doesn't fix everything. There is still a lot to work through, and time to spend healing. But Maura, you gotta tell me what you're feeling, what's going on in that busy brain of yours."
"Before we continue, I need more wine." Maura slid off her chair moving with pure grace still holding her empty glass. Slowly, she slipped off her heels, leaving them sitting at the base of the counter. Jane watched Maura shrink a good few inches with conflicting emotion.
"Can I have some of that? Or a beer if you have one?"
"No, Jane. You're driving home after this, which already makes me nervous. Emotional driving is dangerous enough. If you have any alcohol on top of that, I wouldn't want you driving at all."
Maura's voice came from behind an open cabinet door as she reached to grab the bottle of dark wine waiting on a shelf, her face completely covered as she leaned in.
"…I could call a cab."
"No Jane. Plus, you wouldn't like this wine. It is very much an acquired taste."
Maura set her filled wine glass on the counter and gently pushed two untouched plates of greens to the side. Food was a pretense that was no longer needed – for better or worse they were finally talking. Jane glanced at her salad, sitting an arm's length away at the edge of the counter until her eyes seamlessly drifted to the form standing behind it. She watched Maura slowly walk to her seat her face unreadable, but her feet heavy and unwilling.
Once she was perched back on the chair, Maura wrapped a hand across her chest, rubbing the soft fabric atop her arm as if urging herself to continue.