Welp, here we go! Another Thursday! Just so ya know, this will only be 10 chapters long, so we're almost done... ='( But I'm already working on my next multi-part so you won't have to go long without my wonderful work in your life. ;-P (Hey, I said I'd be LESS self-deprecating!)
All warnings on part one.
Though I will add as a trigger warning, there is a brief vague mention of past non-consensual sex in this chapter.
Duo drew in deeply on his pipe as he considered the man resting peacefully in bed beside him. In his sleep, he appeared so serene. More calm than he'd ever seen him. Quite different from the night before, the effects of the shared cocaine making him lively and talkative, though honestly that was still quite a difference from his normal state of callous contemplation.
He chuckled quietly, remembering all the stories Heero had told about himself. About growing up in the Midwest and his limited perspective on the world, his time in the military and all the pranks his comrades pulled, various amusing and embarrassing cultural misunderstandings from his time in Japan, how even he found Saint Peter's breathtaking... He was better traveled than Duo had ever realized. But the fact of the matter was that they were only half stories. He would always pause and reflect and stop himself before they got too sad. And he never gave away anything that might be incriminating or lead Duo to guess at what he did for a living.
In the end it only added to the air of mystery surrounding him, though Duo appreciated every small insight he'd allowed.
His eyelids fluttered then and he groaned, throwing an arm over his eyes to protect them from the bright mid-day sun shining through Duo's vaulted windows. It was certainly a difficult room for sleeping in, but then they didn't fall asleep until nearly six a.m.
But he must've realized he wasn't at home because he suddenly jerked awake, blinking rapidly at Duo, fear evident in his posturing.
"Don't worry buddy," Duo grinned brilliantly and then w inked. "Nothing happened." At first the words seemed to confuse him, but he calmed significantly after a moment.
"You didn't want to go home when the bar closed so we came back here and talked for a long time," Duo continued, trying to jog his memory. "It was fun. Wanna hit?" he offered, holding the pipe in his direction. Heero eyed it for a moment then shook his head. Duo shrugged then got off the bed to give him some space.
"I can never deal with the way coke makes me feel the next day. Too damn sad," Duo explained as he walked over to take inventory of his fridge, though he knew it was sadly limited.
Heero didn't say anything, but when he turned to look back at the other man from across the room, he had tucked his knees into his chest and was holding them tightly. The childish pose made the heartbroken look on his face all the more poignant and Duo frowned sympathetically, knowing to some degree how he felt, wishing he could do something more for him. But he didn't know anything about that inner pain he carried and he didn't know what to say.
"Hey," he started with a kind smile, "let's get out of here."
Heero's eyes focused on him, the saddest shade of blue he'd ever seen, and there was something akin to hope there, under all that negative shit on the surface.
"We can go down to Susie's or something, get some good food. It'll make you feel better."
"Okay," he agreed, slowly unfolding all his limbs to get off the bed.
They washed up a bit and headed out together, sharing a quiet sorrow as they brushed past uncaring pedestrians on the sidewalk. Occasionally their shoulders would bump into one another or their elbows would scrape and Duo wondered if it grounded Heero at all to know that he was there. Duo knew how much one person could mean. There had been so many times in his life where he'd had no one, especially after his sister died...
But Duo painted on a smile the way he had so many times before as they entered the cozy diner, greeting the woman behind the counter as he slid into the familiar back corner booth. Heero seemed somewhat uncomfortable sitting across from him, but he didn't divulge why, he just picked up a menu from the stack on the side and glanced over it quickly.
"It was nice to see you last night, even if you followed me there," Duo opened cheerily as Heero set the menu down, having decided quickly. "Everyone liked you. Even Hilde warmed up to you after a while, and I know she was more than a little pissed that I let you come back to my place."
That drew out an interested upward twitch of the eyebrow from Heero.
Duo laughed nervously. "She's a little overprotective. I don't like men to know where I live. I've gotten in trouble before."
"You're not with her, then?" Heero asked cautiously, seeming like he was afraid to step over a line.
"Who, Hilde?" Duo asked incredulously. "I thought it was fairly obvious I'm gay." He would've sworn he saw Heero blush then, but JoJo conveniently interrupted.
"Hey sweetie," the older waitress in thick make-up and a cute aquamarine diner dress greeted Duo with a friendly smile. "You brought a friend today, huh?"
"Oh, yeah, this is Heero," he introduced the other man with a genuine grin. "He's new in town so of course I had to take him to see my favorite lady."
JoJo laughed and brushed off the compliment. "The usual?" she asked and Duo nodded. Then she turned to Heero. "What'll ya have, hun?" Duo was truly surprised when he ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and a chocolate milkshake. The choice seemed incredibly juvenile and for the second time that day that he found himself thinking of Heero as childlike.
But Duo said nothing of it as they were left alone again. Instead, he leaned back in the booth, casually resting his arms on the top edge.
"Have you really been to all those places?" he asked as a change of subject. "Afghanistan, Japan, Mexico, Italy...?"
Heero seemed perplexed by the conversation and it appeared to take a lot to drag him out of his deep, depressing thoughts. "And more."
"I can't even imagine everything you've seen," Duo murmured wistfully, trying to envision what kind of job let you travel like that. The kind that didn't allow for friends, he supposed.
That amused Heero though and he snorted. "No, you can't."
"One day you're going to have to tell me what you do, you know," Duo teased. "I want the kind of job that lets you travel all over then take months off."
"No, you don't," Heero replied quietly, staring at his thumbs. "I love my job, but I am my job."
"Eh," Duo cocked his head to the side to view Heero at a different angle. "I like to think I am my job too."
Heero shook his head. "Not like this. There is nothing else. I have nothing." For a minute, he seemed like he was going to break. Like he was going to crack and a million words were going to tumble out of him, his whole life story, everything that made him who he was would be divulged and Duo would be left with the very picture of his heart.
But he took a deep breath and composed himself. And their food came. And the moment was gone.
"I brought you some cookies on the house," JoJo explained as she set the plates down, then leaned in towards Duo to whisper – "Your friend looks like he could use some cheerin' up."
Heero stared at the offending chocolate chip cookie as if he could will it out of existence if he just tried hard enough. And then Duo thought he saw his eyes shimmer, like he was going to cry. But it had to be the light... right?
He took a deliberate – always deliberate – bite of his grilled cheese sandwich then set it down.
"My mother was a diner waitress," he said abruptly, his voice tight with emotion. "She would always bring me back something, every night. Usually a grilled cheese. With a chocolate chip cookie."
Duo reached across the table and very gently touched his fingertips to Heero's balled up fist.
"She was never home. And when she died, I didn't think anything changed. But it did. I went into the military to avoid thinking about it. But everything was different then." Heero paused and swallowed hard, still staring at his plate. Without even thinking about what he was doing, Duo gripped Heero's hand, fearing the words the other man was about to say.
"Then, I was alone," he finished somberly. They were just as painful as Duo feared.
"Like when my sister died," Duo mumbled sympathetically. It was the first time Heero looked up to meet his eyes since they'd sat down. Duo's breath caught in his throat. The anguish he saw there was unbearable. And those heartrending eyes longed for him to understand, for someone to have felt he pain he was feeling then.
"Our mother was a dysfunctional alcoholic who fell into a series of horrible relationships after my dad ditched us. They were all bad, you know, they'd hit her, or us, or spend all her money on alcohol or drugs so we couldn't eat... but none were as bad as the man she married. He..." Duo paused to catch his own breath this time. It was always a difficult thing to admit, despite his own personal directive to never hide from his past. "He messed with us. Really, my sister got the brunt of the abuse. I was too young, too little, I couldn't defend her. And mom, she... she never wanted to believe us. She didn't want him to leave, she loved him more than us." Now, Duo withdrew his hand from Heero's to protect himself subconsciously. He picked up his reuben and took a huge bite of it.
"Eventually he left, though, of course." Duo laughed sarcastically after he swallowed. "What made her think he would stay? But what he did never left us. It never left her. My sister..." he paused, suddenly feeling raw and exposed under Heero's painful gaze. "She committed suicide when I was fifteen. And then, I was alone."
Heero's gaze fell from him then and he picked his sandwich back up and they ate in a sad but comfortable silence for a few minutes.
"Thank you for telling me that," Heero finally said. "I've never told anyone about her."
Duo smiled wide, trying to expel the darkness that fell over his heart thinking about his sister. "No problem, buddy." And for a minute he wondered if this was his purpose – to give Heero hope again. To understand him and give him someone he can trust again. To bring him out of this dark place in his life and give him a brighter future.
After their discussion at the diner, Heero started going to Duo's apartment every morning. He would sit in the studio as the braided man worked, reading quietly, observing him, or listening to him expound upon one of his many interests. He would bring groceries and make them lunch. Sometimes, Hilde would come over and he'd make dinner for them all. Despite Hilde's hesitance to accept him, his cooking skills apparently went a pretty long way towards winning her over.
Duo didn't seem to mind this arrangement at all. Every morning he welcomed him in with a smile and a brief, one-sided hug. Duo would offer him a bagel and he'd decline, accepting a cup of plain coffee instead. Heero didn't really know if this was what normal friends did, but if it wasn't, he didn't want to know. He enjoyed this. It was comforting just to be in the presence of someone who understood him and had no expectations, who he didn't have to put up a front for and regurgitate carefully memorized lines for. Plus, it helped curb his overwhelming desire to procure more cocaine – a mistake that could easily cost him his job.
He began to realize he owed Duo a lot – a lot more than a few lunches and dinners. He still didn't know how exactly Duo painted all those pictures of him, but he was beginning to find he just didn't care any longer. It didn't seem to threaten him and he wasn't producing any more of them. But without knowing him at all, Duo accepted him into his life, no questions asked. He offered nothing but kindness to him no matter how negative or unkind he'd been. And he didn't want anything from him. Friendship, maybe, but he never forced it, willing to accept only what Heero felt comfortable giving. Never in his life had he met someone so genuine. And knowing that their time together would be limited, he was compelled to spend every moment he could with him.
Duo chattered happily about his interpretation of the myth of Icarus as he strung together delicate paper fabrications that were being attached to a large mobile. Heero couldn't say whether he cared for the piece Duo was creating, but it was incredibly time consuming and the attention the other man paid to the tiniest details was merit worthy in it's own right. Apparently this was a new type of installation piece for him, different than anything he'd previously done. Heero knew from the tone of his voice as he described it that he was nervous his clients wouldn't accept it, but Heero didn't know what to say to reassure him. His show was coming up soon and Duo had been foregoing his nightly soirees to work. At times Heero worried he was a distraction, but every night he left to go back to his own apartment, and when he returned the next morning Duo had rarely accomplished anything despite staying in.
"I've been there," Heero added quietly as Duo's voiced faded, his brows stitched together in concentration.
"Ahh, you've been everywhere!" Duo exclaimed with jealousy, looking up for a moment to gaze at him with smiling eyes. "What's it like? Icaria?"
"Oh, no, I was never on Icaria," Heero corrected. "When I was in Turkey, I was near the Icarian Sea. The water is the most brillant shade of blue..." Heero paused a moment, delving into the memory. It had only been a quick stop. He was tasked with pulling another agent out of the field before he was assassinated. Unfortunately, the word had come in last minute that he was discovered and Heero didn't make it in time. He wasn't even able to retrieve the body before it was dumped into the sea. He remembered staring out across the water for a long time, wishing he'd been there sooner, hoping the man would wash ashore so his family had something to bury...
"I'm sorry," he said as he pulled himself out of his thoughts. "I'm not the best with description."
"Eh," Duo dismissed it, his focus returned to the gossamer figure held delicately by his long fingers. "Maybe one day I'll go."
And then, his phone rang. Duo looked up at him and Heero looked back, so certain it wasn't his phone that when Duo asked him if he planned on answering it he jumped slightly, taken aback. Quickly he pulled it from his pocket and stared at the screen. The number wasn't one he knew, but he still knew immediately who it was.
Chang. His handler.
For a minute he contemplated not even answering. But reluctantly he found himself hitting the talk button and holding the phone to his ear.
"Hello." He knew who it was, it wasn't a question. But he didn't want to say the other man's name with Duo in the room.
"I thought you weren't going to answer." Chang's calm, cool voice sent a wave of nostalgia over him. They'd been working together the entire time he was with the CIA. That voice had been a lifeline to him so many times...
"I was considering it."
The silence on the other end clearly indicated his handler's displeasure, but he didn't ask him why. Instead, he asked, "Do you think you're ready?"
Knowing he was referring to the psych eval waiting for him upon his return, Heero sighed. "No," he admitted, suddenly feeling remorse that he wasn't taking this time off more seriously. He should've been pushing himself, alienating himself until he was forced to confront himself. Instead, he was playing around with an artist, cooking like a housewife, and relaxing like he was on vacation.
But damn it, didn't he give four solid years of his life to them? Didn't he deserve this?
"That's okay. I would've been suspicious if you said yes," Chang admitted and Heero was relieved. "You were in the field a long time. You can't be expected to have dealt with the repercussions of that in a few weeks. But at this point we like to offer you the opportunity to meet with one of our therapists if you so desire."
The suggestion made Heero feel physically nauseous. He couldn't imagine something he wanted to do less.
"Honestly, I don't think I'm ready even for that."
Chang made a clicking sound with his tongue, which Heero recognized as disappointment, but he didn't really care. It was the truth. Maybe if he'd had some glorious breakdown, maybe then he'd agree. At least, he could see then why a therapist might be needed. But watery eyes over the death of his mother once at lunch two weeks ago in the depressing aftermath of illicit drug use he couldn't very well admit hardly counted as any form of break down in his book.
"You know we will require you to meet with one regardless of how you feel within two months," Chang warned him.
"I suspected as much," Heero replied honestly. "I will consent at that time. I hope to have made some progress by then."
"Good." Chang did sound authentically pleased with him. "You have been a very easy agent to work with, Yuy. You are dedicated, driven, smart, and more than capable. You have earned a break and I haven't contacted you because you deserve your privacy. I look forward to continuing to work with you and therefore I like to think I have your best interests in mind. I will let you know when you need my help, but in the meanwhile, attempt to enjoy yourself. Civilian life can be difficult, but it is important that you remember why you do what you do. There should be no better reason than to protect those around you."
Heero stared at Duo, who was clearly attempting not to eavesdrop, and wondered sullenly if he could ever justify what he did as for 'the protection of those around him.' The truth was, he didn't do it for people like Duo. He didn't do it for people like his mom. He didn't do it for the greater good or the ignorant masses or any noble reason, the way he maybe should. He did it because he was damned good at it. He did it because it blocked out everything negative in his life. He did it so he wouldn't have to think.
"Yeah," was all he could say without jeopardizing his future with the organization.
"I'll be in touch," Chang said then, realizing there was nothing left Heero wanted to say.
As Heero hung up the phone he realized Duo's big eyes were studying him carefully, almost accusationally, questioning him about the call. But he stopped short of actually asking the question, for which Heero was glad.
"It was nothing, business," Heero explained casually, slipping his phone back into his pocket.
"You're not ready to go back?" Duo asked shyly, obviously not wanting to pry but his curiosity was overwhelming his ability to remain quiet.
"No," Heero replied honestly. "There's a lot I have to do to go back to work. This isn't exactly a vacation for me, I'm supposed to be preparing myself to go back. But my employer and I agree, I need some time off. I spent four years on my last project, I think I deserve a break."
"Hmm," Duo hummed and nodded his head, understanding that vague reply was all he was going to get out of him. But then his tone turned playful again as he refocused on his work. "One day you'll tell me what you do for a living."
Heero grunted, recognizing he was being teased and not actually pressured for information. "I doubt it."
"I'm pretty sure you doubted we'd be friends, too, when we first met, huh?" The smile that had been tweaking his lips was uncontainable at that point.
"Fair enough," Heero replied as he picked his book back up and resumed his study on the history of ballistic weaponry. But he was sure that smile stayed stuck on his friend's face for much longer than it'd warranted.