Waiting in Moments
Chapter: 6 Fifteen Days Of Sweating It Out
Summary:
Cappie/Casey post season 2 finale.
"We do not remember days, we remember moments" - Cesare Pavese
A collection of moments in the aftermath of the finale.
"If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time". – Dorothy Gilman
Another bead of sweat trickles down her forehead precariously close to her eye, and if she could, she would swipe the drop away with a shaky hand; actually if she could she would hit the girl sweating beside her.
She is pretty sure this is a sick, sick joke. Today was another day fresh out of heart therapy emotional breakdown rehab, and post breakdown Casey is supposed to be glowing with health and hope for the future, not drenched in sweat and still stuck in her head, not to mention stuck in an extremely uncomfortable position.
With a gust of air she blows a stray hair from her face and angles her head awkwardly to the right; her eyes fixed pointedly at the shaky sweating girl beside her.
"Ash" her words spit themselves out from behind gritted teeth. "I am going to kill you"
Ashleigh turns her face toward her with an expression caught in between humour, apology and sheer sweaty exhaustion. She mouths an "I'm so fucking sorry", and were it not for the look of sheer agony on her best friends face, she might be tempted to question it.
Up at the front the perky red head announces a change of position in a voice so calm and collected it literally makes her skin crawl, and she decides to direct her anger at this overtly perfect teacher stupid red head yoga fit bitch instructor instead.
Another bead of perspiration slides down her skin and hits her mat, which is looking more and more like a slip and slide. She sighs and decides to forgive Ashleigh only if she miraculously drops five pounds in the next forty-five minutes.
She doesn't, but decides to forgive her apparently sadistic best friend after she proposes a fries and ice cream combo.
"Seriously Ash...why? Why would going into a room that's like one hundred million degrees and working out ever seem like a good idea ....ever?"
Ashleigh shoves a handful of fries into her mouth before answering and looking (rightfully) guilty.
"The hot man who was promoting this place said it was like, super healthy and a cleansing experience...and I just thought you might want to..."
"I might want to sweat my brains out?"
"No cleanse, I thought you might wanna cleanse you-know-who out of your system, I mean ...you haven't wanted to talk about it at all, and"
And once again her skin is crawling with the unpleasant sensation of frustration, anger, and shame that is kind enough to take hold every time she is reminded of him, which lately, appears to be all the time.
She stops her ill-advised albeit well intentioned best friend mid-sentence, she can't hear this anymore. This being one of her first few excursions out since her self-imposed emotional lockdown, she does not want any more reminders of him, this new post-breakdown Casey needs steady reliable things, not hot yoga with irritating perky instructors and definitely not reminders of him. Post breakdown Casey needs fries, friends and perhaps something stronger than orange juice to wash this all away.
"That's because there's nothing to talk about"
Ashleigh looks as sceptical she has the other nine trillion times she's changed the subject, but it's necessary; this rehabbed Casey isn't strong enough to be reminded of the drug that chucked her sense of romantic ideals and self esteem out the window in a blatant refusal of her affection. This new post breakdown Casey needs to stay the hell away from any conversation about him, lest that lead to the idea she needs to ask about him, perhaps see him, just from a distance of course...or call him. She needs a Cappie free environment until she is strong enough to resist the pull of the drug. Naturally, getting drunk helps, so she's been doing that a lot, and since Ashleigh has found her tipsy at three in the afternoon on more than one occasion, although one of the times she was actually just giddy, it seems only reasonable that her best friend has been hovering over her, and the topic of him.
Ashleigh sighs and looks tired in a way that has nothing to do with the gruelling work out in a sauna.
"Well, seeing as you won't talk about it. I thought you could sweat it out and I'm really sorry I didn't realize we'd like literally sweat it out. The hot yoga man just seemed so toned and chill; I thought you might need some of that, especially since the party tonight is being held at the KT house..."
She laughs and shovels some fries down, feeling the slightest bit of comfort in the fact that she at least earned the calories.
"I'm pretty sure hot yoga man is toned and chill cause he probably does nothing but like work out and be Zen, which means he has no time for things like rejection, breakups, rejection, break downs, did I mention rejection?. Anyways that doesn't even matter because I'm not going tonight"
"Case..."
Perhaps a month ago her best friend would be more demanding, actually she's positive that just two weeks ago Ashleigh would have ignored all protests and dragged her out in some skimpy costume with the sole intention of taking back what was rightfully hers. Except that he's not hers and this new Casey is still somewhat of a stranger to Ashleigh, to herself. This new Casey is quieter, more guarded yet more irrational and somehow this new Casey is unable to take her best friend's advice. And as much as she wants to, she can't, she cannot under any circumstance go to the party, this new Casey is still in recovery and somehow she knows that going into that house would be like a junkie walking into a room full of heroin. If she saw him there, if she saw him with another girl, all this progress, all this healing would be lost in a moment of madness and that needle would be under her skin in a second without any thought of the consequences.
"You know I can't go, I'll be fine though" She tries to console this girl that is trying at once to heal the old Casey and learn to live with the new less exciting model. "Seriously, you and Fisher go, have fun. I have like a week's worth of homework to catch up on. Go"
Something similar to disappointment flickers across Ashleigh's face before her expression settles on resignation.
"Just think about it 'kay? It might be nice for the rest of the Greek system to know you haven't disappeared of the face of the earth. Also I'm pretty sure Cappie to know if you're alive and -"
"Ash stop, please, just let it be"
"Just think about it"
And then the ice cream arrives in time to cool the tension, and the sudden urge to snap at her best friend for holding out temptation at an arm's length, for dangling the idea he might be wondering about her in front of his face. Post rehab Casey recites her twelve step program in her head. Step one: Move on, forget and move forward. Step two: Move on, forget and move forward. Steps three through twelve: Move on, forget and move forward.
"Does this loin cloth make me look fat? Be honest"
Through the mirror he sees Rusty roll his eyes, and Beaver chuckle shaking his head.
"Oh Cap, if I were a Cave lady I would be all over your fine Caveman ass"
He laughs and turns to face his friends, perched like girls on his bed and as if they were judging his possible outfit options for a date with the team captain. Like oh my god.
"Too far Beav, a little too far"
Beaver laughs and heads for the door.
"Whatever dude, the cave man look suites you. I'm supposed to go pick up the booze with Wade anyways. I'm out"
"Remember to get some gin as well"
"I'm on it"
Cappie eyes Rusty who is looking bored out of his mind.
"What tell me this isn't fun, don't you want me to look good tonight? As the president I'm pretty much expected to go all out on theme parties, it's like the law"
Rusty raises an eyebrow and cracks a grin.
"Cappie, I have a beautiful girlfriend waiting for me at Dobbler's and I'm still basically flunking out of my honours program. Don't get me wrong, this has been.....interestingly fun, but I got a lot on my plate"
"And tonight you'll have a lot in your cup. Yeah, yeah, I'll let you go but first I need you to be honest, I know Beaver went for the slutty look but is this too much? Should I go for the ripped toga tiger skinned thing instead?"
For the thousandth time today he feels uncomfortably similar to some clichéd teenage girl with some serious angst issues, not to mention a wardrobe crisis.
Rusty laughs.
"The tiger thing please, I don't really wanna see that much of your leg like ever again"
He smiles, inwardly relieved, he's confidant but considering much of it is bravado and considering his mood these past two weeks he wasn't really sure he'd have it in him to prance around in a loin cloth all night. That and it seemed like a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.
"Aww but the ladies love it; they go all primal after seeing me so...primal"
Rusty gives him a knowing if not a little chastising smile.
"I'm pretty sure it's going to take more than a loin cloth to get Casey back"
And there it was, the harsh truth, Rusty always had a knack for cutting to the chase when he wanted it the least. He didn't know if she was even coming and yet for the past ten hours he had fretted like a little girl over the smallest things. Should he dress up for it, of course, but then she might think that parties are the only thing he cares about, but then he might seem like he was an obvious wreck if he didn't dress up. He feels the urge to check his cabinet and make sure that a pack of tampons hasn't replaced his Mach 3 razors. Perhaps the overload of Jodie Picoult and Gilmore Girls has seriously wreaked havoc with his hormones. Or perhaps he still hasn't come to terms with the fact that he sabotaged his one chance with the Lorelai to his Luke.
Reluctantly he meets Rusty's expectant gaze, with even more reluctance he ignores the urge to regress and divert this with a joke.
"Have you talked to her lately? How is she- I mean, is she coming"
Spitter frowns, but it is not accusing rather his little brother looks a little helpless.
"I dunno man; she seemed pretty set on not going last time I talked to her. But I talked to Ashleigh and she said she'd work on Casey. I told her that you wanted to try and win her back ...I hope that's okay"
He bites his lip, retreating once again into his thoughts, teenaged dirt bag, angst filled and wondering thoughts. Part of him is relieved that she probably won't be coming , this is the same part of him that shot down the idea of getting her back, because this part, actually all of him really is still convinced she'll have come to her senses and will reject him, again. But the other part of him, the hopeful side of him whose romantic ideals have somehow escaped being crushed, is churning with disappointment, he wants her to come, this part of him wants her here now, pending rejection and all.
Sighing he brushes his hands through his hair and turns toward the mirror again.
"I better get out of this Tarzan underwear and into my costume if we're going to get this party off the ground in time. I also put Pickle in charge of setting up the cave man's lair which in retrospect seems a little short sighted, also I don't know what you meant about meeting Jordan at Dobbler's but that better have been a euphemism for picking her up at getting your asses back here to set up. This party isn't going to throw itself"
Rusty shakes his head and makes toward the door.
"I'll be back in time Cap. I wouldn't miss the dawn of time for the world"
And then once again he finds himself alone with this (scantily clad) reflection, judging himself with his own eyes. This reflection is at once defiant, broken, hopeful and more than a little slutty. His thirteen year old girl alter ego is biting her nails and shifting from foot to foot. This teenage girl is a nervous wreck nervous about being stood up for prom, or even if the team captain actually shows she's nervous for the prom itself. Cappie wonders silently how someone so apparently laid back about life could end up so twisted about love. Part of him wants to give up now, to get up and skip town because all this angst and all these nerves can't be worth it, but the other half of him is clinging to this maybe second chance, because this part of him is present in his dreams as he relives that moment again and again, replying "Yes I want you too" to her declaration of ...caring, desire, love?
He shakes his head, his eyes bugging a little. Note to self, stop acting like a child and get ready for the fucking party. He hears the crash of something falling downstairs and somehow this calms him, he needs a distraction from the sudden paralyzing urge to call her and tell her to come.
Pulling on his slightly more decent costume he decides to take a step back and wait it out because he is this close to a panic induced cleaning attack. Instead, he heads down the stairs to meet the chaos of his home. Maybe she'll come tonight, maybe she won't, maybe she'll reject him flat out, maybe she'll ignore him all together, or maybe, maybe she'll give him a chance to repent and reopen that door she had held ajar before, the one he had closed to callously and so carelessly.
One thing he is sure of is that he needs to stop fucking thinking about it, one thing he is sure of is that he can't stop thinking about it, and he is definitely sure that there will be heavy drinking tonight- he needs to cope one way or another, and right now he needs to wait it out.
The remote clatters and the batteries fly out. Her eyes had watched it arc from her hand through the air and she had listened to the crash with some satisfaction. The TV was no distraction; apparently love stories are all the rage on cable on a Saturday night. She eyes her book bag on her desk with distaste, there is no way she can study right now if she can't even focus on Gilmore Girl reruns.
She sighs and bites her lip. There is no way she can go. She can't, it would be a bad idea for so many reasons. Not to mention she would look like a fool after arguing with Ashleigh about it for half an hour. There is no way she can go. She needs to stay here, away from the temptation, away from the drama, away from the lights and buzz – away from him.
What she needs is a distraction. But tonight seems different from the last fourteen; tonight she is all nerves and energy in place of her moping and dejectedness. Tonight Ben and Jerry's and The Notebook seem repulsive, tonight the notion of curling up and hiding out seems cowardly and ridiculous. Perhaps she sweated out some of her fear earlier on today, because right now she wants action, she wants closure, she wants...something.
She shakes her head. She can't go, she can't. Especially not looking like this. She can't.
Fifteen minutes of scrambling finds her made up, without a costume save for leopard print tights stolen from Ashleigh, and walking briskly toward the KT house.
It's only as she is walking to the door that she wonders what the hell she is doing.
There are drums, there is noise, there is so much alcohol that regardless of the theme things would be getting primal anyway.
He is lingering he realises; half socializing, half drinking, half flirting, half aware really because half of his attention has been focused on the door for the past hour.
He sighs suddenly and with great effort he turns himself away and heads toward a group of girls.
Tipping the drink to his lips, he wonders just what the hell he is doing.
Hellooo,
First off, I just wanted to appologize for the huge dely in chapter postage, I had a case of Too Much Vacation mixed with Not Too Happy With This Chapter illness which is quite a delaying affliction. I'm still not 100% pleased with this chapter but I just wanted to get it out and stop looking at it , so naturally I deleted half of it and wrote the rest at 3am and edited as lazily as possible. Ha. I don't know, I know I said that my writing style would vary chapter to chapter but i'm sort of stuck right now and I can seem to ride/write it out =( ...
This is just a random little side note but I listened to a pretty introspective playlist while writing, and although there were alot of songs on it these ones really stuck out as the inspiration ( mood-wise, not lyricss wise ) for the chaptes thus far.
Metric - Satellite Mind,
- On The Sly
Arctic Monkeys - 505 ( The line " I crumble completely when you cry" basically kills me everytime but also has given me some ideas for the last chapter)
Bahamas - Already Yours
The Shins - Turn On Me, and Pink Bullets
Tegan and Sara - Back In Your Head , and I know I know I know
The XX - Heart Skipped A Beat
ohh and The Perishers - Nothing Like You and I ( because after At The Worlds End, I have been unable to associate that song with anything BUT Cappie and Casey)
Anyways there will be tops two more chapters to this story and yes, there will be plenty interaction between Cappie and Casey. More so than on the show at least, which I am loving by the way as much as I want Cap and Case to just do it already, drawn out tension is a season laster! Also man stealing Rebecca ? It may be a very used storyline with her but she is kind of amazing when she's a bitch.
Okay I'm going to stop rambling an get some sleep. But I wanted to say that I have written the last scene so the wait shouldn't be as long this time- however my classes start on wed so there might be some school related delay.
Phew, off to bed for me.
And off to review for you please, it'll help me get on that last chapter and finish it up.
THANKS SO SO SO SO MUCH for sticking with this story this far, I really appreciate it, all of it.