Schrödinger's Coitus: There's more than one way to skin a cat

Sheldon jumped in the shower to wash away his embarrassment; the streams of water scalded his back a lobster red color which matched perfectly with his crimson face and ears.

How could he have lost control so completely? During his first attempt at coitus, he tried to make it over as quickly as possible because he assumed, incorrectly, that Amy had had an orgasm, and the deed was done. That was what he told himself. Truth was, he had no idea what she felt, and he was in no more control of his body then as he was 10 minutes ago under her. He had to regain his perceived control. After he exhausted all the hot water, he emerged reluctantly from the shower and dressed. He sheepishly scurried to the living to find Amy, dressed, hot tea in hand, glasses perched on her nose. She was writing on his clip board when his movements drew her attention up to him. She said nothing at first, just handed him a hot beverage. Then, she just looked at the kitchen and back to Sheldon. Ah, yes he remembered, grilled cheese lunch was promised.

Quietly, he worked on lunch while Amy used his Ipad. He had no idea what she was doing, writing or researching. He was just happy she didn't want to discuss the incident. She was lost in thought, and silent as a monk. Sheldon offered a plate to her, and they sat next each other as hushed chewing sounds filled the void. After lunch, and clean up, she graciously broke the deafening silence with a question. After she spoke, Sheldon prayed for the silence back.

"Sheldon, we need to discuss your over active sex drive." Amy picked up the clip board and pencil, "So tell me Sheldon, when was the first time you achieved sex arousal?"

"Excuse me, my what?" Sheldon almost choked on his water, Amy patted his back to clear the passage.

"Sheldon, it's obvious you have an overly active sex drive, and frankly, have for a long time. You have suppressed it and it has caused you tremendous anxiety which has manifested in premature ejaculation during intercourse."

"Well I hardly think that is the case!"

"Well it's either that or you have latent Oedipal issues or you've had an injury to your nucleus paragigantocellularis."

Sheldon looked nervous and swallowed, "Okay, let's go with the first one then."

Amy picked up the clipboard, and with all the detachment of a Kinsey report clinician, she started her survey: "When was your first sexual arousal, was it from a person, if so, what gender?"

"What? What do you mean if it was a person? What else would be?" Sheldon held his empty water bottle to his chest as if it would protect his innocence.

"Well, Sheldon, not everyone is aroused by normal stimulants. Some people achieve arousal from inanimate objects, smells, even animals."

Sheldon looked mortified, "Animals, inanimate objects? My god, Amy, what were you researching using my Ipad? Do I need to clear my browser history?" Sheldon snatched his Ipad out of her hands. Amy bit her lip, desperately trying not to laugh. She was having a little too much fun with Sheldon.

"Well, back to business… Your answer?"

Sheldon looked wide eyed at Amy. He didn't want to admit what made him aroused. He didn't even understand it. Any time he was aroused, he ignored it. Lately, it seemed it was everywhere: Brownies, trains, cranberry juice, and yellow shoes. He couldn't enjoy some video games, Super Mario brothers excited him, Wii skiing was impossible and for some unknown reason, the act of throwing dice made him aroused. It was strange and he feared he had deep psychological problems. He had to deflect her, but she was zeroed in on her target and her questions were like missiles locked on him."Sheldon?"

"Amy, wouldn't a better use of our time go toward figuring out how to fix the problem. It seems all this history is unnecessary."

"Sheldon, unless we know what makes you aroused, and limit it, you could have this problem again, and we will never finish. Is that what you want?"

He was a second away from saying yes. For some reason, his mouth opened to form the Y, but he quickly caught it, and pulled back. He sat back on his spot and slumped, "No, I guess we need to figure this out. Or you need to hurry up!"

"Chin up, Sheldon. Some woman cannot have an orgasm through sexual penetration. At all!"

"I know… I am worried that's you…" He glared over at her.

She glared back, "While some men… Let's just say, they don't have that problem." She tapped his shoulder, in patronizing comfort. He glowered at her with suppressed anger which was escaping through his twitching brow.

Amy took a deep breath, "So, how often do you masturbate?"

Sheldon shot up off the couch, "Amy, I can't talk to you about that! That's not what this is about!"

Amy sat back, "Well, that's too bad you won't help me with the research. You might regret that when I have to do it with no guidance." Amy picked up her tea and watched Sheldon stop suddenly. He didn't turn around as he asked his next question, "Umm, do what?"

Amy bit her lip again, "Sheldon, in order for you to keep an erection for a longer time, we have to practice which entails you almost reaching climax and then pull back your virile sex drive. Then we have to do it over and over and over again…"Each time Amy said over, she made the sound a little louder. Sheldon shuttered at the sound, but didn't turn around. He was frozen staring at the kitchen, listening to her words. " Until you can keep an erection long enough for me to catch up."

The parameters of the experiment were spiraling out of Sheldon's control, but he couldn't help his curiosity. He finally turned around, "Ummm. How would that be achieved?"

"Well, we need to find out what stimulates you, then measure your response time of erection verses climax. Then increase or decrease stimulation until you can adjust that response time. Boy howdy, would I have to hook up your brain to the equipment I have a work! The things I can to a Star Fish, would make Hugh Hefner blush! I could really get you motor running if I could just insert an electrode…"

Sheldon jumped back, "No one is inserting anything in my anywhere!"

Amy cocked her head, "But Sheldon, it's for science!"

He squealed, "I don't care, there are certain things you don't do for science."

Amy put her cup down on the table, and rose from the couch. "Exactly, Dr. Cooper. My point exactly." She walked over to him, and laid her hand on his arm. "That is what I should have said last Thursday. Please don't feel you have to continue this experiment, Sheldon. I think we have enough data to make a decision, don't you?" She was offering him an out. He didn't have to continue, he was free. They could decide without further experiments.

Sheldon drew in a deep breath, and held her arms. It was soft touch, barely registering on her skin, but it was enough to stop her indefinitely till he removed them, "Amy. I know you are trying to be nice. And I appreciate it. But we need more data to decide. I will do my part with the required efficacy. I promise." Sheldon's blue eyes looked for perceived de rigueur forgiveness for his performance that Amy knew she needed to give.

"Sheldon. don't worry about earlier. It was so much better than the first time."

"Really?"

"Well, you set the bar pretty low, but yes. I was well on my way to orgasm. I do think I will be able to achieve orgasm by penetration."

Sheldon was elated, "Great! Because I read the other stuff we would have to do, and.."

"Yes, Sheldon, I know you couldn't handle that..."

"Well, I would like to say I could handle anything, but I had to think of trains for week just to do what I did, so I…"

"Trains?" Amy walked over her clip board, 'Interesting…"

Oh boy….

After a hot beverage, a discussion of Sheldon's love of trains and a few chocolate chip cookies, Amy and Sheldon were ready to discuss the experiment again.

"Sheldon, it seems you have no problem with arousal. Can you tell me, specifically, which part of the body you find the most stimulating?"

Sheldon was uncomfortable with this discussion, but Amy promised no more electrodes or references to farm animals. "I would have to say… Buttocks." Amy raised her brow in surprise, "Hey don't judge me! It is an ingrained response. You know a large hind quarters on a female is indicative of her potential for childbearing. It just our biological imperative at work."

"Well, given my hips and butt, I could pop out a soccer team and still be home for tea!" Amy laughed but Sheldon looked at her in horror. "Moving on…" She took her pencil and tapped the paper, "What objects have stimulated you lately?"

"Amy! I thought you were going to drop the disgusting innuendos and kinky talk?"

Amy had to laugh at her poor naive boyfriend, "Sheldon! It's not kinky! It's your brain associating objects with desire. If you are stimulated by a coffee cup, it doesn't mean you want to have sex with a coffee cup! It means you have a memory associated with the object that could indict what aroused you."

Sheldon looked intrigued, "So it doesn't mean you starting going to kinky coffee cup conventions in Vegas scamming for dates?"

"God no, Sheldon! What kind of crazy research have you been doing? It's normal. So, any things that you associate with arousal?"

Sheldon sat frozen and didn't answer. He was thinking of the list from earlier. Amy leaned forward, "Like trains, perhaps?" Sheldon was still frozen, thinking of dice and yellow shoes and Mario and cranberries and arousal. Oh boy…. "Or something else?" Sheldon was stone and Amy took a sledge hammer to it, "SHELDON! I told you everything!"

Her bellowing voice broke him, "Fine! I seem to get aroused about trains. There. I said it outright! Happy?."

"The motion? Or the actual Train?"

"Well, I do love looking at them, but no, it is the motion." Sheldon shot up, "Want more cookies? I think I might have some brownies in here, Oh look! I do!" Sheldon stayed in the kitchen, holding the box close to his chest and while he watched Amy. The brownie being stuffed in his mouth wasn't helping him, but her bending over and picking up the pencil she dropped was even worse.

"Amy.. Are you willing to try our experiment again? Like now?"

"Now? Well, okay… I guess. Can I have a brownie first?"

"OH sure sorry, here." Sheldon, brought over the brownies and sat with Amy. While she ate, she thought about he said, "Sheldon, when did this train arousal state occur? When you were an adolescent?"

Sheldon watched her lick the brownie off her lips, and he stuffed another bite in his mouth and swallowed hard, "No, I wasn't aroused by trains. It is a recent development. Maybe my train trip rewired my brain." He smelled the sweet aroma off the brownie, as he watched her eat the confection. She had dropped a crumb on her cardigan. He reached over with a napkin and wiped it off, but he lingered too long not to be noticed. Amy looked at him, "Um… Maybe we should try our experiment again…"

Sheldon looked at her, "Um, sure." He noticed his hand was still on her sweater, he pulled it back quickly. "How will we address your issue?"

Amy rolled her eyes. "How will we address yours?"

"Well, you are stimulated by pheromones and dreams… Hmmm. Let's take a nap!"

"WHAT?"

"Let's take a nap together. I will work on not thinking of… trains… And you, well.. Smell me and dream.. " Amy looked unimpressed, and Sheldon raised his hands up, "That's all I got sister, take it or leave it!"

"Fine!" Amy picked up her water glass and took it swig like it was whiskey.

"Oh, and we should be in the same bed, naked."

Amy choked on her water and almost spit it out. Sheldon patted her back to clear the passage. "I'm sorry.. What did you say?"

"Well, you are aroused by pheromones for some strange reason…"

"It's not strange, Train boy… its simple biology…"

"ANYWAY! If we nap together, you will be swimming in mine. I don't know if I will like yours, but you have nice smelling hair, so at least that won't make me sick."

"Gee, thanks. Get back to the naked part.."

"Well, when you have your dream, we will be ready. No need to lose time with getting undressed, and such. Also, the pheromones will be stronger." Sheldon stood up and held out his hand for Amy, "Let's go, for some reason I'm exhausted this afternoon."

Amy looked at Sheldon's outstretched hand, and hooded eyes. He was tired, probably from the sexual activity. Amy knew the brain chemistry behind sexual arousal. He would sleep with her, really sleep. It was more stimulating than any romance novel she ever read. It was better than sex.

Amy and Sheldon went to his room, and sat on the bed facing opposite directions. Neither looked at each other. The light was off, and the blinds were drawn, but the daylight was permeating through the thin covering. It was a flicker of light, kind of like candles.

Sheldon was undressed first, and got under the covers. He watched Amy reach behind her back and undo her bra clasp. Her hair danced over her pale back. She didn't turn around when she was naked, she just reached a hand back, pulled back the blanket and pulled it up to cover her shoulders. Their bodies didn't touch, but Amy could smell his scent all around her and it was driving her crazy. Damn, that man can't be wrong…

Amy felt the heat off his body. He was lying face up, his arms tucked the blanket to the sides. He was trying not to think of trains, but the smell of her hair and the taste of brownies reminded him of their trip. He wanted to kiss her before he slept. He would never presume to even ask.

Amy heard his heavy breath and slowly turned around. He was fast asleep. She spent a few minutes watching his chest rise and fall, memorizing his naked neck and upper chest not covered by the blankets. She fell asleep listening to his breathing.

Amy woke up in a start. Sheldon had turned and was holding her waist. His body was fused with her back and she could feel his arousal on her buttocks. She was very curious about it. She had never felt a man's penis before, so she reached around her back and lightly glazed her finger tips over it. It twitched and Sheldon let out a minuscule stifled moan. She touched it again, just slightly, same result. Fascinating. Feeling his body next to hers, smelling his aroma, and hearing his moans were creating favorable conditions for Amy's arousal. She wondered if she wrapped her hands around it, if he would wake up. What she didn't know, was he already awake, had been for while and feeling every touch. He kept quiet though, waiting to see what she would do.

Amy ran her closed hand down his length gently, barely touching the side with her skin. Amy couldn't believe how something so hard, could be so soft; the skin was like silk. She moved her hips slightly and pushed back against him. Sheldon felt her soft rounded buttocks against him and the tickle of her hair on his chest. He was losing control, he had to rein in his rampant arousal. Actually, he thought, he had better put it to good use.

Sheldon leaned over Amy's ear, and whispered in a low growl, "Amy, do you want to try the experiment again?"

Amy held her breath. She was caught fondling her boyfriend. She was mortified; she overstepped. However, he was asking about the experiment, so he must be okay. "Yes, that would be good idea."

Sheldon moved closer to her, "Do you want me to recite the first page of your graduate dissertation?"

Amy looked over her shoulder surprised, "You read my doctoral thesis?"

"Yes, when we first met at the coffee shop, I looked it up. Harvard has a marvelous online library of their doctoral candidates work." Sheldon moved a hand to her hip and moved closer to her. He could feel her soft, skin and firm hip bone. Her buttocks was pressed up against him. He moved his hand down slightly her hip, and she let out a moan.

Amy leaned back into his chest more, "I didn't know you read it. Thanks sweet, Sheldon." He felt her breathing through her back, it mirrored his. It was like they were breathing with the same lungs.

"Well I had to know if you were some quack. You know, there are some crazy brain monkeys out there."

Amy laughed and rolled her hips against him. His skin was warm and his roaming hand on her hip was driving her crazy. He had moved his mouth to her ear and his body was fused to her from behind. She tilted her head back more toward his face, "Confession? I read yours too!"

"Which one?"

"Both, and the post doc work, I understood most of it, except I was a little lost on the section concerning the closed string groups verses open string groups." Amy tilted her head so more of Sheldon's face could be near her neck. His voice and breath caused her body to arch against him. She was one word away from jumping on him.

Sheldon moved his mouth so close to her ear, she could feel his lips on her lobe as he spoke, "Well, that becomes important in supersymmetric heterotic string theory, which is…" Sheldon proceeded to explain his post doc work, but Amy was ready after the word: Heterotic. She rocked her hips back against him with every word he spoke. Amy was almost grinding against him when he reached the section on Euler-Lagrange equations. When he started working them out on her hip with his finger like a marker, she almost had an orgasm. Sheldon finally noticed how aroused his girlfriend was and her grinding was helping his concentration.

"Amy, should we try…"

"Yes, oh god, yes…"

"Oh, okay. Um.. which way should we…"

"This way, I want this way." Amy pushed her buttocks back to Sheldon so quickly, he almost fell off the bed. He reached over, applied the condom and came back to hold her hips. Amy lifted a leg and put in on his, spreading herself slightly. The angle was different, but Sheldon was able to find Amy. As soon as he entered her, Amy pushed back against him. He had to grab her hips to hold on. He pushed against her, but the angle was wrong. Amy knew it too. She moved herself slightly on her knees, "Try this."

Sheldon swallowed hard, and followed her lead. He got on his knees and held onto her strong wide hips. He slowly entered her while feeling her skin under his fingers. He could see her hair on her back and her rounded buttocks push against him. He tried to think of something else, anything, as she moved back against him. Her moans were distracting him, as well as his view. The feeling of controlling her hips overshadowed the rehashing of any subject he used to distract himself.

He tried to think of Pokémon, which made him think of Nintendo, Wii Skiing. Amy. She moaned.

He tried to think of rocks, rhymed with sock, sock monkey, Monkeys: Amy. She moaned.

He tried to think of Cows, then milk then butter. Then her yelling to pass it: Amy. She moaned.

He tried to think of ice, sounds like ico, like an icosahedron. 20 sided Dice, D&D: Amy. She moaned again.

Nothing was working, he was getting more excited with each thrust. She moved up slightly, and he heard her say, "Ouch." That did it, he lost his erection. He was done. He popped off her in a start and quickly flipped her over on her back, "Amy are you okay?"

Amy hair laid out around her head like a sunburst. She was out of breath and shocked, "I'm fine Sheldon, just… it hit me wrong, that's all."

He noticed she was naked under him so he pulled the blanket up and covered her with one hand, while his other brushed the hair out of her face. His face was sick with worry. "I'm sorry. I didn't .I mean,I should have.."

Sheldon, I am uninjured. It's fine. " She cupped his face with her hand for a moment, "It's not a problem. I looked it up, since I have a tilted uterus, certain angles are more painful for me. When we have more practice, then it… would… not.." Amy let her voice trail off. They wouldn't have more practice, once the experiment was over, knowing Sheldon, they would not have sex again. That was probably the first and last time they would have sex like that. Amy swallowed, "Anyway, I'm fine I just need a little bit of time to recover."

"Good." Sheldon smiled as she took away his worry. He was not well aware of her naked body under him, "I am glad the nap worked."

Amy looked down, "But I did not.."

"I know… Me either…" Sheldon took a deep breath. Well, there is more one way to skin a cat. We just have to try again later, another way." He looked at her again; her green eyes were sparkling at him and she smiled. He took a big swallow, "I need a shower. Can I take a shower? I would like a shower." Sheldon didn't wait for an answer, he quickly put on his underwear and ran back to the bath.

Sheldon jumped in the shower to wash away his arousal; the streams of freezing water hitting his back like icicles causing a red color which matched perfectly with his crimson face and ears...