Hey. What's up? I'm making up for my lack of updating with POWERUPDATES. So...yeah. Enjoy, reader! :D It has come to my attention that some pious homophobic's Gaydar has gone off, and it was pointing directly at my fic. LET'S CRANK THIS BABY INTO MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE! :D :D :D
The group of Mary Sues has separated to hunt down the three cats on their list. Dragonscales, Jadefur, and Blueocean are charming Hawkfrost. Pheonixinferno, Diamondshimmer, and Butterflyeyes storm the deepest reaches of RiverClan territory in the pursuit of zombie Heavystep. Stargaze, who looks somewhat similar to Cinderheart, is trying to agitate Lionblaze. Mousefoot, of course, has gone in search of Pyramid Head. The toms are STILL being productive members of the Clan.
We shall track Mousefoot.
Mousefoot: I shall fiiiind him...and when I doooo...he shall be miiiine! Allllll miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! Heh...heh...come out, come out, wherever you are, Pyramid Head! I'm waiting for you!
Tawnypelt: *whispers to Kinkfur* What is she doing?
Kinkfur: I don't know, but she seems insane. Isn't she that Mary Sue everyone keeps worrying about?
Tawnypelt: No, I think that's Diamondshimmer. B*tch is insane.
Kinkfur: Then who's this one?
Tawnypelt: Mousefoot.
Kinkfur: Her? A Mary Sue? You're joking, ri-
Tawnypelt: She heals cats by touching them.
Kinkfur: Riiight. She's got a...thing...for that Pyramid Head?
Tawnypelt: I thought he was a Twoleg.
Kinkfur: A messed-up Twoleg, that's for sure. He's got a metal pyramid for a head, hence the name.
Tawnypelt: That creepy guy we found wandering around the woods and snatching up our she-cats?
Kinkfur: Yup, that's the one.
Mousefoot: Pyramid Heeeeeeeeaaaaad! I know you're around here somewhere! Come to meeeeeeee!
Tawnypelt: I don't need Dr. Phil to tell me she's just as wacky as Diamondshimmer.
Mousefoot: I want to touch you!
Err...shall we see what's going on with Dragonscales's group?
Hawkfrost: And just vy are you hanging around me like vultures to carrion?
Dragonscales: *through gritted teeth* Oh, Hawkfrost, you have such a way with words.
Hawkfrost: VAT DO YOU VANT? I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY TO HANG AROUND.
Jadefur: Can you... bite us?
Hawkfrost:Vat? That's the strangest request I've ever received.
Blueocean: Pleeeeease? *kitten eyes* :3
Hawkfrost: Vell, alright. I'm swayed.
Haha, I will actionblock you to bring you to Pheonixinferno's group. PWND.
Pheonixinferno: But I can't find any tacos!
Butterflyeyes: We are not looking for tacos, Mentally Handicapped Squirrel.
Diamondshimmer: We are looking for Heavystep so we can tear him limb from limb! AHAHAHAHA!
Butterflyeyes: That's Pinkie Pie levels of insanity right there.
Diamondshimmer: Who wants CUPCAKES? :D
Butterflyeyes: D: Please, don't bring that up. PLEASE OH PLEASE, DON'T...
Diamondshimmer: Well, I was the one who wrote it...
Butterflyeyes: SCREW THIS, I AM GOING TO MY HAPPY PLACE.
Pheonixinferno: Where is it?
Butterflyeyes: Any place where you two aren't! *retreats, presumably to help Mousefoot locate PH*
Diamondshimmer: Come back! I just made the cupcakes today!
Pheonixinferno: Found it! *points to hole in ground*
Diamondshimmer: Good work, Apple Bloom- err, Mentally Handicapped Squirrel.
Pheonixinferno: *derpy eyes* i DiD iT!
Diamondshimmer: Heavystep...
Heavystep: WTH do you want?
Pheonixinferno: To die!
Heavystep: o,o
Diamondshimmer: Yesss...we're so tasty...
Om nom nom. :3 We could go find the gay toms, but they're too busy building new nests and catching prey for everybody. They don't have time for us to bother them. Instead, let's go visit a more nonproductive Mary Sue: Stargaze...
Stargaze: Lionblaze...
Lionblaze: What?
Stargaze: Lionblaze...
Lionblaze: Yeah?
Stargaze: LIONBLAAAAAAAZE...
Lionblaze: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Stargaze: So I heard you killed Russetfur.
Lionblaze: *gruffly* Listen, I have Cinderheart to stalk.
Stargaze: And I heard you're a total pansy when it comes to climbing trees and swimming.
Lionblaze: What is your problem? Can't you be more like the gay toms?
Stargaze: And is it true, you've dreamed of killing cats before?
Lionblaze: *mutters insult under his breath*
Stargaze: so i herd u liek mudkipz...
Lionblaze: I've got to go.
Stargaze: Lionblaze...
Lionblaze: WHAT?
Stargaze: The Game.
Lionblaze: *attacks Stargaze in a fit of rage, ripping her throat out, successfully killing her* Oops... *backs away slowly, then starts running*
Well, that just about covers the Mary Sues. Why don't we go see awesome Mary Sues?
Gaypride: I caught six pheasants today, what about you guys?
Rainbowfur: Aww, darn, I only caught three pheasants and six water voles. :(
Fabulousfur: Cheer up, man, you built twenty nests! That's almost ten more than the rest of us!
Twilightsparkle: Yeah, you're just as good as everyone. Now, what do you say we go hunt some more? The fresh-kill pile just seems so bare.
Yeehaw: Yeah. I mean, halfway up to Firestar's den? Kits can't survive on those meager servings!
Let'sride: First cat to catch thirty different pieces of prey is fabulous!
Srsly, they are awesome. Everyone agrees, see?
Firestar: I'm beginning to warm up to Mary Sues. :')
Brambleclaw: When was the last time we hunted?
Squirrelflight: Dunno, probably two moons a-
Brambleclaw: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SHUT IT RIGHT NOW, SQUIRRELFLIGHT.
Firestar: By the time they stop hunting for us, we'll be fatter than RiverClan. We can focus on our fighting skills and start a freaking food drive for the Clans who aren't fortunate enough to have or allow gay cats in their ranks.
Dustpelt: Fatter than RiverClan? We'll be fatter than Americans!
Firestar, Brambleclaw, Squirrelflight, and Dustpelt break into raucous laughter.
No offense intended to any Americans- heck, I'm American, too. :D