O. M. GOSH! YOU GUYS! YOUR REVIEWS WERE SO FABTABULOUS! HOLY SNIZ! THANK YOU SO MUCH! AHHHHHHHH! Seriously, thank you guys so much.
Also, sorry if this chapter is a little weird, but Starla was all loopy on hospital drugs when she helped me write it, soooooooo, anyhow enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: These characters and the show unfortunately do not belong to me. I'm just playing around with them.
POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE END OF THIS CHAPTER. Please please do not continue to read if you are triggered by thoughts of suicide and other dark content.
Blurred pain.
That's what Barry felt. Nothing around him was there, only him and a faint memory of agony. What from? Why was I hurt? When was I hurt?
Where am I? What's going on? Wha-
There it was. The spike in his absent mindedness. His memory came back, if only for a brief moment. There was a sharp prick, a brief rift in his amnesia, so he had a reminder of why he was like this. A single name slipped into his thoughts.
"Lily." Who was she? I did something to her, what?
Nothing is working! This isn't right.
Why can't I...be? No, feel? Hear - no, not that. Why can't I move?
The pain, it's brighter now, distinct. Growing, growing, growing, engulfing him. His smeared world was slowly coming into focus.
My name is Bart - no, Barry? Barry Allen. I'm the Streak!
Wait, that's not right. No, Flash, its the Flash, I'm the Flash.
"Alright, that's a start." Barry thought to himself. He thought, I can think, he's thinking-ooh, tenses are difficult, aren't they?
I can think, I can feel. What's that feeling, that emotion: it's confusion.
That's the only word to describe Barry's current existence. Just a murky, thin veil between life and something? Afterlife? No - death.
Barry struggled to piece together coherent thoughts. Words floated in his mind, everything was floating. He was trapped, inside his own mind, his own body.
Yeah, that's what's going on. I must be unconscious. Or dead. But, I can feel, right?
buh-bump.
What's that noise? My heartbeat? So, I am alive! But, I'm trapped. All alone. Right?
"Wrong."
No. Please, no. The voice of his nightmares, whispered in his ear. It was clear now. Barry remembered.
Michael Adams, Lily, STAR Labs, the last few weeks, they all came rushing back, and charging forward to attack him. His memories, his own memories, were hurting him. Traitors! Is that irony or karma?
Hands were on his back, pushing his head into a bucket of ice cold water; memories, painful ones. He was tied down, strapped to a table. Knives, sharp, sliced him open. His arms were forced above his head, so he hung from a chain. A whip connected with his body, and he twisted in agony. Again, again, again.
Every lash.
Another scream.
Every cut.
Another scream.
Every burn.
Another scream.
The metal bit against his back.
Metal? Chains?
What is that? In the corner of his mind, something clicked, made itself known, a nagging detail.
Barry began to feel, to hear again. He was out of the mazes of his mind, and inside his body. Back inside his corporeal form, Barry heard something. Someone. Voices, though distant, they were there. Something familiar about them, he knew them.
Caitlin? The soft tingling of her voice drifted into his cerebral thought, yeah, definitely Caitlin. I'd recognize her voice anywhere.
Another matter drew his attention away from his doctor. An unfamiliar tightness in his chest made it hard for Barry to breath. There was something pressing against him, something intangible. A weakness, one that was making itself very, very known.
Cool metal, soft padding, is that Velcro? More importantly, it's around my wrist.
Barry pulled his arm towards his body. A force stopped him. He tried his legs; same thing.
"Oh, God." He prayed. "No, no, no, no, no." A sense of dread, of helplessness overwhelmed Barry. He was chained down, trapped and caged. Again. Barry shuddered and pulled harder, desperately trying to push away the thoughts, the memories, recent memories, of Adams. There he was again, tied to a chair, being beaten. Collapsed on the floor, with a chain around his ankle, Barry greedily drank the water in the bowl Adams left for him. It was happening all over again.
The bed cuffs dug sharply against his wrists and ankles as he pulled with all his might. Barry suddenly jerked his hand backwards in a desperate attempt to free himself, and a sickening pop came from the new crunch in his wrist. He screamed, and finally, his eyes shot open in panic, pain, fear.
"Barry!" It was Caitlin, no it's Adams! Barry could still hear him, in his mind, tugging him back to that small, dank room.
"No!" Barry wailed, and thrust his chest and shoulder forward, pleased to feel the explosion of pain when it connected with a face, Adam's face, it must be. His eyes clenched tight against the brightness of the room, but he ignored the pain to look around.
It was quiet - no, it wasn't. Caitlin and Diggle and Felicity were racing around the room, and machines were blaring, but Barry couldn't hear any of it. Just the sadistic laugh of Michael Adams. A name that would surely haunt him for the rest of his - hopefully short - life.
Then, the muted sounds around him ceased, a steady beep made itself aware, and a blinding light was being shoved in his face.
"Barry, can you hear me?" Caitlin asked, carefully pulling Barry's eyelids up to examine his pupils with her light. Still blissfully unaware of pretty much anything, Barry pushed himself up to sit on the bed, his legs dangling over the edge. Caitlin rested her hand on his shoulder and he tensed at the contact. "Pupils dilated, pulse 200 over 80, showing rapid dege-"
Barry shoved Caitlin away forcefully, causing her to stumble and fall to the ground. A sharp cry emanated from her as she landed harshly on the ground. Felicity immediately rushed to help her up, and Diggle froze as he watched Barry struggle to stand. He, apparently, did not remember their previous encounter, in which Barry had given Dig a very painful, black eye. The kid packed a punch. Barry leaned against the bed, exhausted, but determined to figure out what was going on. Caitlin stood, and called for the team. Iris, Oliver and Cisco appeared, whereas Eddie had left to get coffee, and Joe stepped outside to call Captain Singh and let him know they had found Barry.
"What's going on?" Iris asked.
"Iris?" Barry thought to himself. He remembered the last few weeks, remembered the hell he had been in, remembered being alone. So, the question was, why is she here? She doesn't care, does she?
Barry sagged in exhaustion, and sank to his knees, throwing his head into hands, so confused. Caitlin quietly explained what happened to everyone, and Cisco immediately approached her, looking concerned, and checked her over, made sure she was okay. Barry softly whimpered into the palms of his hands, shaking and trembling. He moved his hands to clutch his head, shaking it back and forth.
"He's inside my head." Barry whispered, his voice too low to be heard by anyone. He's twisting my mind, oh man, I'm losing it.
"Barry?" It was Oliver this time. "Hey, do you remember what happened?" Anger coursed through Barry, of course I remember! Being held against my will and tortured for weeks on end isn't something you just forget!
"I remember-" Barry started slowly, testing his voice, trying to keep it level and keep the anger out of his voice. It didn't work.
"I remember being alone." He lifted his head to glare accusingly at them. "I remember thinking I was going to die, begging for it! I remember wondering why I hadn't been saved yet - why my family had abandoned me?!" The sting of betrayal spoke in his raised voice, and his eyes shone with a foreign emotion: hatred. He looked at them, his "family", his "friends", and he hated them. Still crouched on the floor, Barry shook with rage.
"Barry," Cisco said, sorrow in his voice, "we are so sorry!"
"We tried, Barry, we did!" Caitlin spoke, and everyone nodded their heads eagerly. "We looked everywhere for you!" Felicity opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by a harsh hiss.
"You're telling me," Barry said with angry trepidation, "that a group of super geniuses couldn't find one man?! Seriously?! I've seen you guys track down armed gunmen in sixty seconds, yet it took you two weeks to find me?!" Barry was yelling now, shaking, not from physique, but from rage. They were all shocked at his outburst. Barry had always been very forgiving; it wasn't like him to hold a grudge. Though the current situation made his anger understandable. Cisco spoke desperately.
"I'm sorry, it's just that Dr. Wells couldn't track the signal cuz of the unusual bandwidth Adams was using, and the frequency was-"
"NO!" Barry slammed his fist on a tray, and it crumpled under his force. A large dent, crater more accurately, was in the metal tray when Barry pulled his hand back. Everyone's eyes widened at the sight. "No, I'll tell you the real reason you guys couldn't find me. You didn't want to."
"Barr-" Iris started.
"You didn't try!" Barry yelled, his voice breaking, unshed tears glistening in his eyes. "You gave up on me! You betrayed me!" Oliver stepped forward and approached Barry.
"Barry, that isn't true. We all tried to find you, I swear we did." The look Barry gave him was one of pure loathing. It was unnerving to be seen on the scientist's face.
"And you-" Barry spat, disgust in his voice. He almost sounded like Adams. "Oliver Queen. The Arrow." Barry stepped closer and leaned forward, his face inches from Oliver's. "You were wrong." He whispered. "I'm not a hero, but then, neither are you." Barry growled.
"I never said I was." Oliver whispered. "Barry, we tried to save you. We were just too late."
Barry turned around and in anger, slammed his hand against the bed.
"Ah!" He gasped in pain and Cisco rushed forward to help, as did Oliver.
"No, stay back!" Barry yelled, but they ignored him. "Stay away from me!" He screamed and threw the scalpel he still had at them, just narrowly missing Felicity's head by the door, where the small knife now lay buried in the wood. Diggle and Cisco jumped forward to control Barry and stop him from hurting someone. They grabbed his arms and suddenly, chaos erupted. Barry was screaming and sobbing, Iris yelling to let him go, Joe chose that exact moment to come back; it was madness. Barry struggled in their vice grip and screamed an onslaught of obscenities, most unintelligible.
"LET ME GO! LET ME GO! NO!" Barry howled in anguish and then suddenly- smack!
Silence.
Oliver's hand stung from where he had hit Barry, but it did the job, he had stopped screaming. Everyone was silent, the room tense.
And the next thing they knew, Oliver was on the ground, his nose broken and heavily bleeding. Barry stood above him, anger and hatred glaring from his eyes. And then he was beating the hooded vigilante. Blow after blow, Barry rained punches down on Oliver, faster than the eye could see. A hysterical fury was in his eyes, wild and dangerous. Barry was an animal and the most Oliver could do was pull his arms over his head to protect himself. Barry clawed at him, punched, kicked, attacked Oliver like an animal. Diggle jumped forward to stop and was thrown backwards against the wall. Discord erupted again and Joe jumped into the fray, as did Cisco, Caitlin, and Felicity. Each of them was violently blown backwards by the hurricane that was Barry, and were unable to stop Barry. The horror was evident in their eyes. This wasn't Barry, not their best friend. He would never hurt them. Yet, here he was, beating Oliver Queen senseless. A fire grew in his eyes.
"Stop!" Felicity screamed, and Barry paused in his onslaught, because the utter desperation and fear in her voice shocked him. This gave Diggle a chance to tackle Barry and Oliver spluttered back to life, coughing and bleeding and curling into himself. Barry pushed himself up off the floor and ran, zooming out of the facility in a burst of adrenaline. Guess his speed was back. The people in the room were left shocked and heartbroken, one of them bleeding and bruised, all of them desperately missing their friend.
"What have we done?" Iris asked miserably.
Barry ran.
Faster and harder than ever. This time though, he was running from something. Someone. Well, someone's.
I hurt Oliver. I attacked my friend, and I did it of my own free will. I chose to hurt him. I'm a monster, no better than Adams.
Barry ran until his legs gave out. He landed in a heap, sprawled out on the ground. He found himself in a forest, eerie trees lurking tall above him, shadows dancing around him. Creepy. He lay gasping for air on the dirt ground. Guilt and shame eating him alive. Self-hatred creeping into his heart.
"What have I done?" Barry asked aloud. He choked back a sob. Only when he let his face fall into his hands did he feel the physical pain. Barry looked down at his hands, saw the blood covering them. Oliver's blood. His knuckles were slashed open, bleeding heavily and with every flexing muscle, a sharp twinge if pain came from his broken hands.
Broken hands. I broke my own hands, hurting my friend, my friend! What is wrong with me?!
He had been blind, couldn't see past the wrongs they did to him, the weeks of torture. Barry gagged, repulsed by his actions. He sat on his knees, resting on his heels, and with an angry cry, he slammed his fists down onto the ground, and lay bowed, sobbing into the night.
Hours passed, and he finally stirred when the sun came up. But in the light of day, his actions the night before seemed so much worse and Barry hated himself even more. What am I gonna do?
End it.
The voices were back, the ones that said he was wrong, that he should die. He had only been free of them for barely a day, and already they were attacking him, tearing him down. They sounded, unsurprisingly, like Adams. They taunted Barry, forced him to think awful things. That he should die, that he's a monster, that he needs to be punished.
Only now, Barry believed him.
Why shouldn't I die? I'm worthless, a monster. I attacked my friend, nearly killed him. And I've killed before. I'm a murderer, a monster; I killed Lily. I couldn't save her, or my mom. My dad is still sitting in jail, wrongfully convicted, because I couldn't catch the Reverse-Flash. I'm a failure, a mistake. I need to be stopped, before I hurt someone else.
So, Barry stood and began walking, to nowhere in particular, but with one goal in mind: to die.
OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH CLIFFY! poor Barry. Starla and I thank you for your support. Hope you liked the chapter! (WONDER WHAT'S IN STORE FOR BARRY NEXT?) ;) Your reviews make me so happy, you don't even know! I'm always smiling whenever I read one of them, so thank you sooooo much! They mean a lot to me, and have really helped me get through the holidays, not to mention the dreaded finals... so anyway, please do still review, tell me what you thought about this chapter, or any suggestions you might have? I love you guys, :)