Thank you for your lovely reviews, excluding one. I hope the rest of you don't feel as though I'm wasting your time. No offense, but you don't have to read the bloody thing if you don't want to. Anyway...PLEASE READ, HOPEFULLY ENJOY, AND REVIEW!!
By the bye, if you were wondering where my inspiration is coming from, I would have to say the FOX show Bones and many, many Amanda Quick novels that I am reading at the moment. So, if you would, forgive the darkness in this chapter.
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Very few things in the world frightened her. She was not one to back down from a confrontation. Yet faced with the sight of a little girl lost in a sea of blankets looking up at her miserably and clearly terrified, there was nothing Scarlett longed to do more than to run and hide. She could deal with society. She could deal with men, excluding one. But she had never been able to cope with kindness and gentleness. She had no problem exploiting the weakness of others but whether her mother, Melly, or her own little girl still staring at her wide-eyed, she felt out of place. It was a world where she failed to comprehend the rules that the players abided by. Thus, it was a game she felt destined to fail at.
Looking at Ella, something inside Scarlett cracked. She could almost see her darling Bonnie. Or...herself. In a way, both she and her daughter had missed the opportunity to enjoy life. Ella hadn't had a real childhood and Scarlett had thrown hers away before she knew what she was losing, and lost the chance to ever win it back. Even after she had done that, she could have learned to deal with here life. She could have embraced her children and evolved as a person, but she had shoved them to the side, thinking only of herself. She knew now that when she told herself that she wasn't ready or fit to ever be a mother she had been lying to herself. She hadn't wanted a reminder of her past.
That in and of itself, was completely irrational as what she had effectively been doing was trying to recapture it by remaining her old self after the war. By staying vain and selfish and acting the part of a child, she could stay one. She could be the girl that had first captured Rhett's attention. Though in hindsight, that hadn't been the best decision as that girl had lost his love.
But now was not the time to think of Rhett. Even if she never earned back his love, perhaps it wasn't too late to win the affection of her children. At least Ella seemed open to accepting Scarlett as a mother, though Scarlett wasn't sure if that was a good thing. According to the rest of the household, when Scarlett bothered listening, Ella had started regressing after Scarlett arrived. Instead of trying to move forward a build a relationship, Ella seemed to want to become an infant again to regain the love that Scarlett had never given her and thus couldn't be had.
Nevertheless, Scarlett moved over to the bed and awkwardly pulled Ella into her arms, cradling Ella's head gently against her chest and crooning to her softly. She could feel Ella begin to relax against her and once Ella seemed calm she reached down and tipped up her chin. "Would you...er...like to tell Mama what your dream was about, Ella?"
"It wasn't a dream, Mama. It was a nightmare," pointed out Ella.
"Alright, Ella," murmured Scarlett, gathering her patience. "Would you like to tell Mama what your nightmare was about?"
Ella nestled her head in Scarlett's lap and Scarlett suddenly found herself stroking Ella's hair. Where did I learn to do that? she wondered.
Ella then began her story and Scarlett leaned back against the pillows as she continued to stroke Ella's hair to listen. She realized that Wade had been standing in the doorway uncertainly for quite some time and motioned him over to the bed. He instead took a seat on a chair at the foot of the bed.
"Well. It started out as my nightmare normally does. I am standing on a bridge. The first thing I notice is that I'm really cold. So I look down. And I'm wearing awful rags, Mama. Then I see you at the end of the bridge. But I can't go to you. I'm shackled to my end of the bridge. I call out to you and suddenly you seem to move closer to me. And then...you're in Beau's papa's arms. And Rhett looks very angry. And I try to call out but my voice isn't working. You're shouting at Rhett and he's shouting at you and I want to cover my ears with my hands but they're still shackled to the bridge. And then Rhett...he...he pulls out a gun and he shoots Beau's papa. And then you run to Rhett and he takes you in his arms and kisses you and then he shoots you as well. And then Wade comes to my side and he unlocks the shackles and we run to Rhett but the bridge gets longer and longer and we get farther away and he calmly lifts the gun to the side of his head...and...he shoots himself. And then Wade, he kisses the top of my head and he sort of floats away like smoke. And then I'm all alone. Mama, you stopped stroking my hair," complained Ella.
"I'm sorry, baby," Scarlett murmured softly as she resumed comforting her daughter. She allowed her mind to drift off though as she considered Ella's dream. It would be obvious to someone of the meanest intelligence that Ella was suffering from neglect and desperate for love and affection. She had obviously heard enough about Scarlett and Rhett's relationship for her to create the violent scene in her mind. In no way did Scarlett consider the nightmare to be vatic or prophetic, but nevertheless it chilled her. Her mind refused to stop replaying the image conjured by Ella's words...her in Ashley's arms, a jealous, enraged Rhett, a gunshot, Ashley dead, another, her body crumpled in Rhett's arms, a third, her beloved Rhett gone...and Wade and Ella left alone...
"Mama, don't cry."
Emerging from the horrid scene in her mind, one lone tear sliding down her cheek, she turned to look at Wade. His face was concerned but he held on to a steady calm that seemed to emanate from him to calm her shattered nerves. Her son. When had he become so strong? Lowering her eyes she realized that his hand was resting lightly over hers. She lifted her other hand from Ella's hair to cover his. "My son," she whispered.
His eyes looked suspiciously bright but the strong streak of pride in him would not allow him to cry. "Yes, Mama?"
"I...I cannot say I love you, Wade. I have only recently learned what love is...but I promise you...I swear on Tara, that I will try my best to be a good mother to you and if I am capable of love, I will give my love to you and Ella," she vowed quietly but firmly as she kissed him lightly on the forehead. Seeing he was yet uncomfortable with such a gesture from her she stuck out her hand.
For what felt like an eternity, Wade just stared at her small, elegant hand. Finally he took it in his and shook it firmly. "I cannot say I love you either, Mama. I have never known you. But I swear on Tara that I will try my best to be a good son an perhaps one day I will be able to say the words and mean them." Then with all the grace and charm of a Southern gentleman, he lifted her hand to his lips and gallantly kissed it. In a flash, she saw his father in his eyes. Poor Charles. She had been young and foolish when she married him. If he had lived, they probably wouldn't have fallen in love with each other. But supposing they hadn't made each other so miserable that they divorced or killed one another, given the chance to grow up, she and Charles might have been able to find happiness together. If he had grown to be anything like the son they had created together, she was sure of it.
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Very dramatic. Very melodramatic. Very odd. Very saccharine. I had to take it somewhere. Sorry about Rhett's absence from this chapter. It already felt very emotionally heavy without going off to see what he was doing.
Hope you liked it. Much love, Cat.
