Authors Notes - *chants under breath* I must NOT turn this into an excuse for an E/O love story. I absolutely 100% must not. No. No. No. :D Thanks for the feedback guys! I'm loving it!
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If Elliot felt any satisfaction from Fin admitting his guilt, albeit it to the lesser charge of 'not asking pertinent questions', it was quickly extinguished when he realised what effect his little diatribe had had on his partner. Still in his arms, but clinging to him a damn sight more tightly, she'd gone from being tearful to absolutely inconsolable, almost to the point of hysteria.
Immediately, he turned his attention from Fin, gently rocking her, trying to calm her down, but to no avail as her breathing became laboured and her body began to shake violently.
Munch acted first, grabbing a bag of chips from a pile on top of the fridge, emptying the contents into a nearby waste bin and then handing the bag itself to Elliot. "Elliot, she needs to breathe in that. You're not going to calm her down any other way."
He slowly moved her, so she was sitting upright, although it was a real effort, given the rigidity of her body; she was completely tensed up, and only by rubbing her shoulders could he get her to do so. "Liv," he said gently, taking the chip packet and holding it to her mouth, "breathe into here. Come on, slowly, in, and out. In and out. You can do it." He was so focused on his task that he almost missed Munch and Fin leaving the room, only noticing and stopping them when they reached the door.
He regarded them suspiciously, "Where are you going?"
It was Munch that replied, "I think she needs some space. And Fin looks like a man who needs a smoke. Is that good with you?"
Elliot thought about it. He was pissed at Fin, pissed at him big time, but for the most part he bought into the roofie theory, and if that were true there'd be nothing left to charge him with. IF that were true. Slowly he nodded, "Fine. But he doesn't leave the building until I see her tox screen." He looked from Munch to Fin, eyeing him with a stony glare, "Because if that comes back clear, and you've been spinning us a clever line, I will see you punished if it's the last thing I do…"
He didn't wait for a response before turning his attentions back to the one who really needed him. Olivia. Her breathing had slowed, and so had the tears, but she was still a long way from ok, trembling badly as she stared down at the marks on her wrists. Elliot reached out, laying his hand over the wounds so they were shielded from her view, but it didn't achieve what he'd hoped.
"I still know they're there." She whispered softly, before looking up at him, her eyes full of confusion, "Why did I ask him for that El? What does that say about me?" As she asked the question her trembling got worse, and the tears started up all over again, "What kind of pervert am I? Am I just like my dad? Am I? Do sex and violence have to go hand in hand for me to enjoy it?"
"Oh Liv…" he pulled her closer, stroking her hair, "Of course not." It pained him to hear her compare herself to her rapist father, and he could see where she was coming from, not that he believed it himself not for a second. He looked into her eyes, wanting her to be able to see into his as he reassured her. "Liv, if you were drugged, rohypnol, GHB, they do crazy things to people. Make them think they want things they don't."
"Or maybe they just bring to the surface needs that were there all the time." She said dully, pulling away from him.
He sighed, planning his next move cautiously, on one level keen to reassure her but at the same time wondering if she was trying to tell him something, and not wanting her to think he would judge her in any way if she was.
"Have you," he took a deep breath, trying to find the right words, "ever… you know, fantasised about anything like that? Its ok you have," he added quickly, not wanting her to flip out, "some people do like the whole BDSM scene, normal people, in loving relationships." He never have thought it of her, and wasn't thinking it any the more now, but something was obviously worrying her.
That said she shook her head, without hesitation, "You think I could get off on the idea of being tied up and beaten after some of the things we've seen? It doesn't do it for me Elliot. Or at least," a tear rolled down her cheek, "I never thought it did. But what if I am like that?"
He put his arm back around her shoulder, pulling her to him, "I don't think you are." He reassured her, "I just think that like so many rape victims we've seen in the past, you're turning this on yourself. Holding yourself responsible."
She bit her lip, tears once again not a million miles away from falling, "How can you call me a rape victim El, Fin didn't know."
It was a dangerous question. One on hand, he wanted her to think of herself as a victim and stop blaming herself, but then again, did he really want her to think of what had occurred as rape? Would she ever be able to move past it if she did, or would blight everything, her life, her relationship with men, her friendship with Fin? It was a serious case of the 'devil and the deep blue sea' and he wasn't convinced there were any right answers anymore.
He looked down at her sadly, "All I know is you've been hurt Liv, badly hurt, and I'm not going to let you hurt yourself anymore than you already have been. Ok?" He was pleased when she nodded, albeit it slowly. "Right," he continued, "why don't you hit the shower, and then maybe you could lay down here, get some sleep."
Again, she nodded, but when she opened her mouth and spoke, her words broke his heart.
"Stay with me. Please Elliot. I'm afraid to be on my own."
Olivia Benson. His partner. His favourite little tough nut who had never been afraid of anything, and this was what she'd been reduced to.
When he got his hands on the rat bastard who'd spiked her drink, he was going to fucking kill him.
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"You know," Munch said, watching at Fin paced the roof moodily, cigarette in hand, "I thought you'd be turning cartwheels. Looks like you're gonna get off."
Fin snorted, turning round to look at him, "No. I liked it a lot better when I didn't think I'd raped her."
Munch considered his words for a moment, weighing them up in his head. He could see where his partner was coming from, could imagine the guilt he was feeling but at the same time,
"You didn't know buddy."
Again Fin snorted, "I didn't know cos I didn't ask." He tossed his cigarette to the floor, stubbed it out with his heel before lighting another one. "Munch, how many times have we pulled in a guy who's justified his crime with ignorance? "I didn't know she was a minor.", "She must have wanted it, she was wet." and what do we say to that? Bullshit. That's what." He took a long drag on his smoke, looking out across the city, "I should have asked."
"Conceded." Munch said in response, seeing from Fin's reaction that he was surprised by the turnaround, but actually, he wasn't finished, "But that doesn't make you a rapist. That makes you a man who didn't ask, and you know, why would you? You said it yourself, she made all the moves. And she's a pretty girl."
"She's a pretty girl who got on her knees in an alleyway by a dumpster and sucked my cock like a common whore." Fin said, obviously, Munch thought, choosing his words deliberately to shock, "You know Livvy. Are you saying you wouldn't have questioned it?"
Munch debated it briefly in his head. He did know Olivia and didn't consider the behaviour Fin was describing to be in any way, shape or form, characteristic of the lady in question. Sure, he only worked with her, he'd never slept with her, but he still didn't see it as her style. That said, he saw little point in telling Fin that and making him feel any worse than he already did, so resorted to Munch staple; inappropriate humour.
"Questioned it? I'd have married her." He waited for a laugh that never came, which in truth didn't actually surprise him, and then, feeling guilty himself for making light of the situation moved over to Fin and put his hand on his shoulder, "You should talk to Huang. You're going to need help with this."
Fin shook his head, "I don't need no shrink. I just need this to have never have happened."
Well that much was true, Munch thought. He felt the same himself, and he didn't imagine Elliot or Olivia would have disagreed.
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Elliot ended up in the women's bathrooms with Olivia, so reluctant was she to be away from him for a minute. He sat on one of the benches, hoping like hell that no one would come in, as she showered, talking to her about… well, nothing at all really… anything to keep her mind off of what had happened.
It clearly didn't work. He could tell that from the persistent scrubbing sounds that emitted from the shower in between her infrequent and monosyllabic answers, and actually, if he'd missed the significance, the fact her skin was red raw, particularly on her neck and wrists, when she eventually emerged would have filled in all the gaps he needed.
He turned away as she stepped out, clad only in a towel. It wasn't like he hadn't seen her in similar states in the past; he'd made an unintentional habit of walking into the locker room at the wrong moment and finding her half naked, but things felt different now, and he had no idea how she'd feel about it given all that had happened. She was, however, quick to put his mind at rest.
"Its ok El."
He smiled and handed her some clothes he'd found in the locker room, a pair of track pants of her own and his hooded sweatshirt from his days at the academy. He knew it was a favourite of hers because it often disappeared from his locker for days at a time, especially when they were on nights and she spent time in the bunk room sleeping. She blushed slightly when she saw it, but took it from him anyway, burying her face in it, an act which in truth, made him feel slightly awkward because he'd seen Kathy do it with his clothes so many times. It was a small gesture, but the connotations were there.
That said, he supposed at that moment, it didn't really matter. He just wanted Olivia to have whatever she needed to feel safe and secure. Not that that was going to be easy.
When she was dressed, he led her back to the bunk room, and watched as she collapsed down onto one of the bunks. She looked exhausted, and actually, he knew just how she felt. He perched on the edge of the bed beside her and cautiously reached out to touch her stomach, slightly worried she might find the gesture overly intimate. "How are the cramps? You need a painkiller?" It was so much easier to deal with something he might be able to do something about than all the other issues that he had no idea how to deal with.
Olivia shook her head, "I'm fine but," she looked at him hesitantly, "will you lie with me?"
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It was a question she'd wanted to ask him so many times during their partnership. During difficult cases, the emotional ones, the ones that affected her personally, the ones that brought her parentage to mind. And then when her mother died, she'd needed to be in his arms on this bunk so much. But she'd never asked, because it never felt appropriate.
She wasn't sure it was appropriate now, but she needed it so badly, needed to feel his comfort and his warmth that she hadn't been able to stop herself. She knew it wasn't text book, she knew that a rape victim was likely to want less physical contact than usual, not more, but then, as she'd said to him, she wasn't really, technically, a rape victim. Not anymore. And what did the text books know anyway.
She looked at him awkwardly, concerned as to how he'd respond to her request. She needn't have worried though because seconds later he lay down on the crib beside her, laying his head on the pillow beside hers.
"Is this ok?" She asked softly, even though she knew nothing else would happen - because it never could, least of all now - but just because she wanted to be sure he was comfortable. That he didn't feel she was pushing the boundaries, and taking advantage of the situation.
He smiled at her, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead, "Liv, its fine. Whatever you need ok?" He put his arms around her, pulling her closer to him, "Is that alright?"
She nodded. It was more than alright. It was what she needed. It made her feel if not completely safe then at least the best she had felt that evening. Safe enough to address the bigger issue. The 'what would happen next'.
Elliot pulled her closer still as he answered, caressing her neck so gently that it felt good, in spite of the bruising there, "We check your tox screen, and then see where we go from there."
She took a deep breath, asking the question that had been whizzing around her head for some time, "What if its clear? What then?" It was almost too much to comprehend, so much had happened in the past few hours. She was struggling to understand what any of it meant anymore. Fin's guilt, Fin's innocence, the part she may have played.
Elliot kissed her forehead again, "Lets cross that bridge when we come to it eh Liv? You need to sleep. Shut your eyes," he said softly, and she did as she was told, too exhausted to argue. "We can talk about this in the morning…"
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