Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.

CHPT 6

Airports were one of the things that made Dan anxious, with the big crowds, and the fear of missing a flight, all in all it was what Dan would call a big ball of nope.
And that was where he was at that exact moment. In an airport.
And it did help that Phil was there, but Phil really was shit with keeping track of what flight they needed to get on and what seat they needed to sit in and where they needed to go. And he tried, he really did. But Dan soon realized it was up to him.
So he got their tickets, found their flight, found their seats, and Dan just wanted to sleep.
He was digging trough his carry-on when Phil squeezed his upper arm and whispered in his ear, "You did really good, then." And Phil then lay his head on Dan's shoulder.
Dan lay his head on top of Phil's, his headphones playing the song Fall Out Boy, his heart beating along with the drums.
The long plane ride would give Dan time to think. Which is something he's been doing a lot lately.
And obviously, he's been thinking about his suicide.
Something had cracked inside of Dan, he felt broken. Sick. He had forgotten everything important and tried to poison himself. Worst of al, he'd lied to Phil so he could. Which sucked, because it showed how badly he did want to die. Sometimes he still does.
It's obvious Dan has problems with anxiety, stress, and emotion in general. 2009 to around 2011 were the suckiest years ever. And then Phil came along and he elt fixed. But now, he felt broken again.
Worst of all, it was effecting Phil.
It was a lot to put on Phil's shoulders, and Dan hated that. He knew Phil deserved so much better than himself, but Phil just wouldn't hear it. And now here he was, lying in the same shitty boyfriend's shoulder. Dan would be a wreck without Phil, but Dan knew some amazingly attractive guy would come in and swoop Phil off his feet. Dan hate the thought of it, but it would be so much better for his lion. If only his lion agreed...

VidCon was always fun, and Phil really loved hanging around the other YouTubers, expecially after the meetups and interviews. There was a little meetup in their room at the moment, including Dan, Phil, Toby, Felix, Caspar, and Joe. The guys were just watching a movie and scrolling through twitter and such, pretending to o womething until the girls got back from the pool and everyone left. It's not like they didn't enjoy one another's company, its just that they were all tired from their day of meeting some normal, some very not, fans and running around doing interviews all day.
Dan and Phil were laying on their bed, Harry Potter playing in the background, while Felix and Toby were discussing some random select games, and Joe was sitting at Caspar's sleeping side, half listening.
"-people keep asking me to play Amnesia again and I'm so bored of the game and I haven't played it in like, three years."
"I'm getting seriously sick of Happy Wheels, but everyone asks where the happy wheels videos are and I just put them up because I'm a coward."
It was around 8 PM, 2 AM British time, so Dan and Phil were tired to say the least. Felix should have been tired, considering he lived in britain, but he seemed perfectly awake talking to Toby.
Finally, they all got so bored of listening to each other blink, and decided to do a huge collab video, and since it was Joe's idea, it was going on his channel.
"Hey guys! So I'm here with these assholes-" He gestured to the men around him. "And we're-"
"Gonna shoot one big giant porn." Caspar interrupted.
"Ummmm no, sadly, we are going to play HOTEL TRUTH OR DARE!" Joe yelled, and everyone around him cheered.
"So, I asked you all to tweet specific people with specific hachtags, specific questions. So, Felix." Joe turned to Felix. "Truth or Dare?!"
The video went on pretty well, until finally it was over, and Caspar ended up asking the receptionist if she has herpes, quite creepily, Phil might add, and everyone went to bed.
Everyone but Dan and Phil.
Dan seemed pretty tense, and Phil had sudden jetlag, so he and Dan decided to watch the end of Harry Potter.
"I feel sick." Dan muttered, leaning against Phil.
"Are you?" He touched Dan's forehead, but he seemed fine.
"Did you see some of those questions for me? When Caspar asked me truth or dare?"
And Phil knew exactly what he was talking about. There was that one little question among many others that staed simply, 'You should've died.'
And most of the other ones were, 'Why did you attempt suicide?'
And Phil didn't bring it up, obviously because there were ther people, and maybe it didn't bother Dan. But he doubted it.
"Those are dumb trolls, Dan. They have no life."
"I've seen a lot of those lately. I'm gonna take some asprin." Dan stood up, but Phil grabbed his sleeve.
"No Dan, no more pain killers, you've taken so many, you're getting sick off of them. I heard you vomiting the other day. I didn't want to say anything, but those things can really mess up your-"
"Who fucking cares anymore Phil?! No one!" Dan yelled, pulling his arm away from Phil.
"Don't say that Dan..." Phil replied quietly. Dan shook his head.
"Why shouldn't I, Phil? Why fucking shouldn't I! I'm so sick of my stupid life, and sometimes I just want it to go away! It's purposeless! I have no meaning!"
"Dan, so many people love you, you have0"
"Nobody fucking actually cares Phil! If I seriously killed myself, who would cry? Thrirty, fourty fangirls? For a week tops? I have made zero impact on this world, and no one cares if I die or not. I-"
"SINCE WHEN DID I BECOME NOBODY?!" Phil screamed, cascading silence across the room. Dan stared, Phil never raised his voice.
"I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT DAN! IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M NOT DOING MY JOB AS A BOYFRIEND. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE EVERYTIME I'M THERE FOR YOU DOESN'T DO A SINGLE THING. WELL, I'M TRYING, OKAY? I CAN'T NOT BE UPSET SOMETIMES, I CAN'T BE PEFECT. AND I KNOW YOU CAN'T EITHER, AND I'M TRYING TO HELP BUT ALL THAT HAPPENS IS-" Phil's voice caught, and he burst into tears. Wiping them off his cheeks with his sleeve, he left, quietly closing the door behind him.
HOPE YOU LIKED IT! You can send me suggestions either in reviews or in tumblr sociopaths-slitheen-and-snape. I'm thinking about a highschool AU as well...
Updating either tomorrow or Sunday! Bye loves! -Tootsie