Chapter Five: Valentine's Day
February 14th, otherwise known as Valentine's Day, is my new favorite holiday. It is a day that is dedicated to lovers. Uriah told me. He and Zeke are frantic, again. But this time they've been following me around asking me what girls like. They want to get the perfect gifts for Marlene and Shauna. Valentine's Day is tomorrow so they don't have much time. I understand that they are trying to make the day perfect, but shouldn't they know what their girlfriends like?
Of course, the guys aren't the only ones freaking out. Christina is freaking out, too. She's convinced that she's a horrible girlfriend if she doesn't make it a special day for Will, who, ironically, hasn't seemed worried at all. Marlene is in worse shape, thinking she's failed Uriah somehow. I can't be talking, though. I'm a complete and total wreck.
I know that Tobias loves me, and I'm pretty sure that he knows that I love him. Still, I'm paranoid. I want to show him just how much he means to me. It doesn't help that the Dauntless have turned out to be very spirited when it comes to holidays. Valentine's Day is no exception. People have seriously been baking all day in the kitchen chocolates, cakes, cookies, basically any sweets for their "Sweets". What have I done? Nothing. I haven't made him anything or bought him anything or done anything for him that's special. I have no clue what to do for him tomorrow. I'm under a lot of pressure because of what he gave me for Christmas. I touch the necklace around my neck. I never got him anything for Christmas.
…..
This morning is Valentine's Day. I just lay in my bed for over an hour. I've done nothing for him. I'm just a burden to him. I keep failing no matter how hard I try. I tried making some Dauntless cake for him since he loves it, but I just ended up charring it to bits. I don't have enough points to spend on the present I wanted to get him. I can't cook, so dinner is a "no". Why am I such a failure when it comes to the guy I love the most?
I decide to take a shower and when I left my apartment, I immediately wish I hadn't. Of course Zeke would be having sex in the hallway. Right in the open. I was already afraid of sex without this. I quickly run by to the Pit, only to find it filled with happy couples and flirting. The last thing I need is to have Tobias treat me like some treasure while I can't do anything right.
That's it. That's it.
I'm afraid to be with him. So it would mean the world to him if I got past it. Maybe if I could… I feel the heat rise and my cheeks and my hands shake like when I panic. I wipe my hands off onto my jeans. This is wrong. How am I this nervous? I love him. He needs to know how much.
"Hey, Tris!" I squeak and turn red turning around to meet Tobias's smiling face, then his confused one. "Hey, are you okay?" I just nod. This is going to be a long day.
We're sitting on our rock in the chasm, silent. Tobias won't stop looking at me! He has this worried look like he's afraid I'll get up and run. How can I keep screwing up this badly?
"Tris, are you sure that you're okay? You've been quiet all day. And you barely look at me." He has a broken look in his eyes. I hurt him.
"I'm fine, Tobias. I promise. I just need to think." Wrong words. He looks like I just slapped him.
"You need to think… You mean that you need space… You don't want this…" His voice breaks and I've never seen him look so…vulnerable.
"No! That's not it!" I say it a little too loud. It sounds fake. I sigh grabbing his hand and drag him to my apartment. "We need to talk." He stays silent and we walk in and sit on the bed. "Tobias I-"
"Don't. Don't lie to me, Tris. If you don't want to date me then just say it." He looks angry, but his eyes look broken.
"I do want this…I just feel…"
"Feel what?" He cuts me off.
"I feel inferior!" He stares at me shocked. "You do everything for me, Tobias. I just want to be able to show you that I love you but I can't do that! I can't afford a present for you and I burned cake I was making for you and I'm too scared to have sex with you-" While I'm having a mental and emotional breakdown, he starts laughing at me.
"Tris… You shouldn't ever, ever feel inferior. I love you and only you. You are special to me and I understand that you want to show me that you love me. I understand that you're doing your best and that you're trying hard. It's going to take time, Tris. I know that. And I love you anyway. No one said this would be easy. I love you." He kisses my forehead and holds me close.
"Thank you, Tobias… I love you too." We fall asleep in each other's arms, closer than ever.