This Ring

(Season 1, Episode 6)

'The ring was meant for me. He bought it for me, he wanted to marry me. We would be married by now if I hadn't been so stupid...God, what a beautiful ring...'

These thoughts and more kept repeating themselves inside Mac's head since Will had shown her this gorgeous piece of jewelry earlier and had made it hard for her to concentrate on her work all day. But the show had gone fine; she had managed to stay professional enough to not let her personal life come in the way of it, and she didn't think anybody had noticed that the back and forth between Will and her during the commercial breaks may have been a little strained.

Now she was home though and her mind kept replaying the scene that had taken place in Will's office.

She had always known that their relationship had been getting more and more serious, and that down the road they had been heading towards the altar, but actually seeing proof of this future that could have been hers had almost put her in a state of shock. She was just grateful that she had been capable to retreat from Will's office without breaking down completely, at least keeping some of her dignity after having burst into his office and triumphantly trying to level the playing field between them.

Once more she now scolded herself for what happened at the beginning of her relationship with Will. Why oh why did she have to be so stupid to go back to Brian? It had been an on-and-off relationship with him from the start, and she clearly remembered how relieved she had felt when they had broken up that last time before she had met Will. She had known that Brian was bad for her and had wanted to move forward, so why the fuck had she agreed to see him again although she had felt so comfortable when being with Will?

Mac sighed. 'It' had happened almost six years ago but seemed to be the gift that kept on giving. The one thing that Will would never be able to forgive her, she just had to finally come to terms with it.

Suddenly a thought occured to her and a confused frown showed on her face. With only the slightest hesitation she grabbed her phone and speed dialed Will's number.

„Hello, Mac...?"

Mac didn't bother to reply but started right into the conversation. „Just tell me, Will: Why did you keep that ring all this time?"

All that followed this question was silence, but Mac insisted. „Will? Why didn't you return that ring all those years ago?"

Finally Will sighed. „I'm sorry, Mac, I didn't want to tell you, but... The ring was a prank..."

This time he was hit with silence in return. Mac was completely flabbergasted and tried to say something several times, before she finally managed to at least repeat some of his own words. „It was a..."

„I bought it when you decided to do opposition research on me and I returned it afterwards. I'm sorry, I guess it wasn't really funny..."

Mac didn't know what to say. She felt like she had received a blow to her stomach and was struggling for breath as much as for words. She just knew that she could not continue this conversation, so she just stammered „Okay... okay, I've got to go."

Before Will could say anything else she hung up and let the phone glide out of her hand onto the couch she was sitting on. How could he? How could he?

She couldn't believe that he was so utterly inconsiderate of her feelings, no matter how much he hated her, but maybe she should have known that it couldn't have been true.
That ring he had shown her must be worth a fortune. Back when they had been together he was making good money, yes, but nothing that could be compared to the millions he was raking in nowadays. So many that he could easily spare three of them for the privilege to get rid off her any time he wanted.

Tears were now running freely down her cheeks and she unsuccessfully tried to suppress her sobs. So that was it... How naive had she been to hope that they might be able to work everything out, hope for another chance for the two of them?

Will had clearly shown that he had not an ounce of love for her left in him, she finally had to face it.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The next day Will came in to work later than usual after having spent a rough night with hardly any sleep. The moment he had said the word 'prank' out loud on the phone last night he knew he had made a mistake.

He had been uncomfortable with his decision to buy and then actually use the ring since the moment he had seen Mac's unbelieving, devastated and slightly horrified expression at the sight of the ring, trying to hold back her tears, and even more so after talking to Dr. 'Doogie Houser' Habib about it.

He had never had the intention to let Mac know about the story behind it, but at the same time he hadn't expected her to dig deeper and had been caught off guard when she'd called. And now he was afraid he had gone too far.

His angst got even stronger when he headed towards the conference room and saw Jim standing at the white board, obviously in charge of the first pitch meeting. When he opened the door he didn't bother to greet his staff but immediately addressed his senior producer who had stopped talking when he'd entered the room.

„Where's Mac?"

„She called in sick today and asked me to take over."

„Is it serious?" The moment Will asked he knew the answer. She probably just didn't want to see him after the conversation they'd had last night. And rightly so Jim replied that she just wasn't feeling well and would be back later in the week.

Will nodded and mumbled an apology for being late while taking his seat at the other end of the table. The rest of the meeting was a blur to him, and he only occasionally agreed to a pitch when asked directly but didn't add anything to the meeting proactively. In the end he wasn't even sure if he had agreed to lead the next show with a follow up on the avoided government shutdown a few days earlier or maybe the Reed Dance ceremony in Swaziland.

Back in his office he sat down to start working on an early copy of his script but his thoughts kept on going back to Mac. Finally he took his phone and sent her a text, asking how she was doing.

Not expecting an immediate answer he started researching the reactions to the successful budget negotiations between the government and Congress, but when even after an hour he hadn't heard back from her he started to feel uneasy and his concentration failed him again. In the end it was more than four hours later when her answer came in, a simple „I'm okay."

„Do you need anything?"

„No."

Will looked at this short reply and swallowed. Mac was never so curt with him, he really, really must have hurt her...

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Thursday, two days later, Mac still wasn't back in the office and Will's anxiety grew with every passing moment. He hadn't found the courage to contact her again after her texts which clearly showed him that she wanted to be left alone. Nevertheless he missed her, not only in his ear during the show but in all kinds of situations throughout the day.

Around lunchtime he was called into Charlie's office, so he saved the document he was editing on his computer and quickly rode the elevator upstairs to the 44th floor. When he walked through the door his boss didn't even give him a chance to say anything. „What the hell is going on? What happened between you and MacKenzie?"

Taken aback Will stopped close to the door. „What do you mean?"

Charlie gave him a sharp look. „I know that Mac hasn't been in for work the last couple days. And now I get a call from a friend at CNN that she's putting out her feelers if they have an opening for her? What the fuck did you do?"

Will felt like he had been hit by a truck and paled. Mac wanted to leave ACN? Leave their show? Leave him?
„W... Why do you think I did something?"

„Because I know that the only reason for Mac to leave Newsnight would be if you had done something unforgivably fucking stupid, so spill it!"

„Charlie, I..." Will ran his hand through his hair and sighed. „Yeah, I fucked up, but I would have never thought... You're not letting her go, are you?" Not being able to keep his fear out of his voice he stared at his friend.

„She still has two years left on her contract. But if she'll come to me and says she's not capable of working with you anymore I might be forced to accept her resignation. So tell me: What. Did. You. Do?"

Charlie's look made his anchor squirm. Will walked over to the window, hoping that turning his back to the room would make it easier to confess, but naturally it didn't. Finally he took a deep breath.
„I... hurt her... badly... I... I showed her a ring and told her that I had intended to propose with it before we broke up..." Charlie inhaled sharply, but Will now had to get it off his chest. „And then later I unintentionally told her that the ring had been a prank..."

„You did what?" Will heard the disbelief in Charlie's voice and slumped even more. „What in the name of holy fuck were you thinking?"

„I know, I messed up big time. I just... fuck!" Will slammed his fist against the window frame. „What do I do?"

„You better get your ass moving and talk to her. Can't you see at all what you did to her?"

„I'm starting to get an idea..." Will replied dryly. „You mean I should go see her?"

„You better!" Charlie bellowed at him, but then he sighed. „I can guess where all this is still coming from. But Will, you have to fucking try to get over it! I know it's easier said than done, but are you at least working on it?"

„I..." Will looked down and shuffled his right foot over the carpet.

„You can't go on like this, Will. It's killing you and you're taking MacKenzie down with you... Do you know the author Kahlil Gibran? He said: 'An eye for an eye, and the whole world would be blind.' Think about that..."

Will sighed. „I'll go see her tonight after the show."

Charlie snorted. „That's what you think. You're going right now, be back by six."

Not saying anything Will turned back towards the window, only seeing Mac's face the moment he showed her the ring in front of him. Finally he nodded, turned and walked towards the door. „Thanks, Charlie."

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On the way down he stopped on the 25th floor to let Jim know he would be out for a while, get his coat and let Lonny know he needed to go out. About half an hour later he was standing in front of Mac's building. Luckily somebody had just slipped out of the door on his arrival, so he didn't depend on Mac buzzing him in.
Knocking at her door he took a deep breath and waited for her to open, but when the shuffling he had heard inside came nearer and finally stopped, he almost felt Mac's eye on him through the fish eye and knew it wouldn't be that easy.

„Go away, Will."

„No. Let me in, Mac. Please, we need to talk." He held his breath waiting for her response and sighed with relief when after a minute he heard her unlock the door and it opened slightly. When he pushed it completely open and entered her apartment she had already gone back into the living room and faced him, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Will let his eyes roam over her and felt a pang of guilt. Mac was wearing leggings and a t-shirt that looked so wrinkled that she must have slept in it. Her hair was uncombed, her face even paler than usual and the eyes had deep shadows underneath them, bearing witness that she had hardly slept at all during the last days.

„How are you doing, Mac?"

„I told you, I'm okay." Her arms held on to herself even tighter and she wouldn't meet his eyes.

„Well, that was two days ago, and honestly? You don't look like you're doing fine. Are you really sick?"

But Mac refused to go there. „What do you want, Will?"

With a shrug he showed her his open hands and bashfully looked at her. „I... I wanted to apologize for what I did and for what I said."

For the first time since he'd arrived she finally looked him in the eyes, but hers remained cold. „You'll have to elaborate on that. What are you sorry for?"

He cringed at her tone. „I'm sorry that I hurt you, Mac. When you and Charlie decided to vet me I knew you would find out about the Fox offer, and I knew that you'd come to me, waving it in my face, and I just couldn't... I'm really sorry, Mac."

Mac gazed down and didn't say anything for a while before finally raising her head again.

„I honestly don't know if I can believe you, Will... This wasn't some spontaneous, hurtful remark you just let slip. It wasn't one of your bimbos you parade around the newsroom, I can take all that. But this... You deliberately planned it. From the moment you had that idea you had all the time in the world to think about it; going to the store, choosing the ring and then right up to the moment you showed it to me... But you did it anyway and it was..." Tears started to show in her eyes, and Will just wanted to undo what he had done to her, pained by the fact that there was just no way to do that.
„It was simply cruel, Will, and I can't tell you how much it hurts..." She paused for a second before she went on in a much quieter tone. „The man I fell in love with would never have done that..."

Will at least had the decency to slightly blush and move in his spot uncomfortably at this. „I'm not the same man I was before, I've changed, Mac... I... I don't know, I seem to have put a wall up inside me to never get hurt like that again. And for that I had to tell me that all the blame for the end of our relationship was on you, only on you, so I just couldn't stand to admit to you that I had also done something wrong. That is not telling you about the offer; though it is true, I was used as leverage and it was never real. But I needed to keep the upper hand and couldn't let you win."

At this admission Mac turned around and walked towards the window. Turning her back to him she didn't say anything and Will felt his heart sink at the thought that he had messed everything up again, but then she slowly started to speak again.

„I know it was my fault and I know that you will probably never be able to forgive me. But there is one thing I don't understand: How can you tell Sloan you'll always be standing..." She air quoted „...'right next to her and in front' when she makes a mistake like this huge fuck-up with Fukushima, but I don't even get the courtesy of a simple conversation? Am not even allowed to explain myself?"

„Mac..." Will tried to say something but she wasn't finished.

„Remember what you told her? 'We fucked up. Let's just live with that now.' "

Will didn't believe his ears. „How can you compare those two things?"

She spun around and took a couple of steps towards him. „Because I also fucked up! On a personal level, okay, but still. Why can you forgive others, but not me?"

„Mac, you don't know..." She interrupted him, finally not being able to hold her own anger in.

„No, I don't know, that's right. Because you never even tried to explain to me why what I have done was so fucking terrible. For heaven's sake, I saw Brian when the two of us were just starting out, and we had never talked about being exclusive back then. I know it wasn't the right thing to do, and I won't ever try to take the moral highground, but it wasn't so bad as you apparently think, either. For crying out loud, we had been together for more than one and a half years after that and we were happy. Happy, Will!"

„Mac..."

„Don't Mac me, Will. I... I..." She took a deep breath to calm herself down. „Right now I just don't know if I can go on like this... Maybe it was a mistake to come back..."

Will took a step towards he. „Are you finished? May I say something now?"

Looking at him undecisively for a moment she finally nodded. „Go ahead."

Straightening himself up Will thought about how to best start with what he needed to say. He hadn't planned on going there while talking to Mac today, but her outburst had made it unavoidable. Finally he decided to just start talking and hoped his words wouldn't fail him.

„MacKenzie, there is something in my past you don't know about. It's still painful and I've never liked to talk about it, to anybody..." He saw Mac observing him carefully and suddenly he felt that it would be easier to open up while not facing at her, so he walked past her to look out of the window before going on, trying to keep his emotions at bay.

„You've probably wondered why I've never taken you to Nebraska and only had you meet Mary and Vic here in New York... It... It's because our father is a bastard, Mac. He's a violent, drunk and demeaning son of a bitch who beat us and our mother for the greater part of our childhood." Will heard Mac inhale sharply but neither turned around nor stopped.

„I don't know if I ever told you that I also have a brother? Patrick is the youngest, six years younger than me, and although I tried my best to protect him – all of them – it destroyed him. He has always been the most sensitive of us. I could have seen him doing something in the arts, I always thought he was very talented..."
Will's thoughts trailed off and he paused. Suddenly he heard Mac's voice directly behind him, having closed the distance between them without him noticing.

„What happened to him?"

Will sighed. „When he turned seventeen he dropped out of school, left home and went to California where in the end he got into drugs. We've tried to help him but last we heard he was living in some kind of commune, refusing any contact with us... We haven't been in touch with him for almost twenty years now..."

„Oh my God, I'm so sorry, Will..."

At this he turned around, now ready to look at her.
„This is what made me the man I am today, Mac... Well, rather the man I was back when we were together. All of us, we never felt safe at home, we lived in constant fear that our father would come home drunk again, start screaming and beating us. We never knew what would trigger a blow; it could be not finishing all of our chores, spilling something at the dinner table or simply asking Mom for help with our homework..." Will saw the sympathy and even the glistening of tears in Mac's eyes and quickly went on.
„You see, we were never allowed to feel safe at home as it should have been. Our mother couldn't protect us and although rationally I know that she wouldn't have stood a chance against him it still makes me angry, and as much as I love her I feel that she has let us down..."

He took another deep breath. „So when you told me you cheated on me it felt like my whole world was coming tumbling down. I'd thought I had finally found my family, the one person I could trust completely and who would never hurt me... But then you did..."

„Oh, Billy... I wish I would have known... I'm so sorry..." Mac carefully placed her hand on his arm and squeezed it, trying to comfort him in the little ways she could. „Will you listen to me now?"

Will just nodded, his eyes by now also showing the first signs of tears, and Mac sighed.

„You know I met with Brian right at the beginning of our relationship when I wasn't even sure how I really feel about you. You had been great, but you were also quite a bit older then me, and I could see that you took us so damn serious right from the beginning. It actually scared me a little, but that wasn't the main reason why I saw Brian again; I just wasn't sure what I wanted at that point... And as crazy as it sounds, being with Brian again helped me to figure it out, and once I knew it was always you, Will. I had fallen in love with you, and when we were getting more serious I felt that I had to tell you about what I did back then... I wanted to have a family with you, and I knew it wouldn't have worked based on a lie..."

Will gave her a sad smile when she stopped. „I'm sorry I'm so fucked up, Mac... I wish I had told you and listened to you back then..."

„Me, too..." Mac whispered, locking eyes with his. After what seemed like an eternity Will softly moved her hand from his arm and pulled her towards him to close the distance between them, carefully enveloping her with his arms. With a sigh Mac leaned into his chest and let her arms slide around his waist.

This was even more wonderful then the hug they had shared on Valentine's Day a couple months ago. Back then she had just enjoyed being held by him again, feeling his strong, protective arms around her whilst knowing that nothing had really been resolved between them. Now however, for the first time since her return, she felt that they might still have a chance. If they could just keep this up, keep talking and trying to sort out their issues... She sighed again.

„What?" Will murmered into her neck.

„Nothing." she quickly answered. „I'm just... This feels so good, Will..."

„Mmmmh..." he hummed in agreement before pulling back a little and looking at her. „You know... Charlie said something to me earlier about not living the motto 'An eye for an eye' and he was right. I don't even know by now which one of us would need the other's forgiveness with all the crap I've pulled on you... Probably me... I'm so very sorry, Mac, and I know that you are, too, so... Why don't we just get past that and see where we are then?"

Mac's eyes had gone wide at his words and opened even wider when he pulled a familiar turquoise box out of his pocket, causing Will to softly smile at her.
„It's not for now, I know we still have to work out a lot, but I just want you to see that I didn't return the ring. Because I'm still in love with you..." At this Mac gasped loudly. „And just because I only bought it a few days ago it doesn't mean that I didn't plan on proposing to you back then... So, unless you say you don't like it and would like to choose another one, what would you say to me safekeeping it until we're ready?"

Biting her lower lip Mac looked up at him, speechless for once, before giving him the most beautiful smile. „I told you this ring would do it if you'd ever propose to someone... And I'm still in love with you, too."

Will, entranced by her disarming smile, quickly tucked the jewelry box back into his pocket and pulled her into his arms again. His eyes dark with desire he closed in on her face without touching her lips, leaving the decision whether she was ready up to her and sighing when she eagerly pressed her mouth to his.

The kiss started out slow before rapidly turning more passionate, their tongues playing with each other while Mac moaningly lifted her hands into his hair, indulging in these feelings she had missed for so long without knowing if she'd ever get to experience them again.

Will slowly let his hands glide underneath her shirt to stroke her back while thoroughly exploring her mouth, groaning into her and not being able to get enough of her taste.

Finally he broke the kiss, leaning his forehead against hers and panting for air. He knew if he didn't stop now he'd never get back to work in time. „I love you so much, MacKenzie, and I've never stopped."

Again he saw tears pooling in her eyes and he lifted his hands to her face to wipe them away with his thumbs. „No need to cry anymore, Honey, except for that I'll have to get back to the office. And Lonny is waiting downstairs." He gave her another quick kiss. „Will you be alright?"

Mac beamed at him, though still a little whiplashed by everything that had happened just now. „What do you think?"

Smiling back at her he still decided to made sure „So I can tell the team you'll be back tomorrow?"

„You bet." Then her gleaming turned into a coy smile. „I'll see you after the show tonight?"

Will's eyes lit up, but he didn't want to pressure her. „Are you sure?"

„Oh yeah..." she sighed, giving him another searing kiss while squeezing his butt. „And don't forget to bring your go-bag..."