-AARON LIVESY - WHAT DO I DO NOW? -

"I DON'T DO ANYTHING I DON'T WANNA DO"

-This fanfic follows on TWO days after Fate

...

Chas was pacing the back room of the woolpack, it was the morning of Jackson's funeral and Aaron was nowhere to be seen, she had been told by his solicitor the previous afternoon that he'd been bailed; she was worried, he knew what day this was and he wasn't answering his phone.

Hazel sat with Bob in Dale head clutching a hot cup of tea. "This isn't fair Bob" she told him quietly.

Bob nodded. "I know, and today's going to be hard...it'll be the worst day of your life...but I'm going to be right here beside you, you can cry...you can get angry I don't care, I'm your friend and I'm not going anywhere"

Hazel looked at him and smiled and put her hand on his arm. "What would I do without you eh?"

Bob smiled and pulled her in for a hug.

...

Aaron didn't want to go home, staying in that cell one night changed something. He was more hateful and angry, still however the emotions of sadness and the constant feeling of pain was still there. He walked into the back door of the pub and as soon as Chas heard it she bolted out of the lounge. "Oh thank god!" she exclaimed and ran to her son and hugged him tightly, who didn't put his arms around her. Chas pulled away. "I've been so worried"

"Just needed to be alone"

Chas nodded. "Yeah...it's alright...when's the trial?"

Aaron shrugged and let out a deep breath. "A few weeks, I'll get a letter...I'm gunna shower" he told her.

Chas nodded. "Course love...your suits hanging up..."

"Uh yeah, cheers" he said as he walked up the stairs.

A little while later as he stood in the shower it felt good to feel the water running down him, he felt cleaner after sleeping in that cell and then he slept rough in a park...he didn't know where. He opened his eyes and sighed. He just wanted Jackson, he wanted him there, they'd shared many intimate moments and he remembered one time long before his accident when one of those moments happened in a shower, he smiled at the memory. Jackson was so hot, that image of him standing in the shower under the pelting of water would never fade. Now the droplets of water on his face were joined with tears and he kneeled down in the bath and sobbed.

Chas walked upstairs to check on him but stopped and sat on the stairs when she heard him crying. She was sad for him anyway but hearing him cry broke her heart.

When Aaron began to calm himself down he breathed and looked around the bathroom, one thing caught his eye. He frowned at the women's razor, only one thing sparked some curiosity in his dark sadness and that was the blades of the razor. His frown deepened and he stood up and reached for it.

...

Chas smiled when Aaron walked down the stairs. "You always look good in a suit"

Aaron smiled. "Yeah I suppose, Jackson thought so aswell..." he chuckled. "Anyway...we better get going..." he said a lot happier.

Chas frowned, she'd noticed the difference. Maybe he just needed to freshen up. "Yes, definitely...Paddy's waiting by the church" she told him as they left the pub.

Hazel was stood with Bob; she was staring into space as villagers walked up and into the church.

"Jerry's here..."

Hazel looked up and nodded when she saw him getting out of his car."It's alright; I can deal with him I don't think he'll cause any trouble"

"Hazel..." Jerry said awkwardly.

Hazel nodded. "I don't want any trouble Jerry, not today"

"There won't be...where's the chav?"

"He's on his way and I mean it...don't you dare! He's carrying Jackson's coffin too...so you either live with that or you don't bother, Aaron loved our son, so just think about that before you go off on one"

Jerry sighed looked at Bob then walked away.

...

Aaron hugged Paddy when he and his mum arrived at the church. "How you doing Aaron?" he asked.

Aaron nodded. "I'm alright..."

"Yeah...I know..." Paddy heard the unsaid words that Aaron was keeping in and he understood everyone did.

The hearse drove up to the door of the church slowly and stopped. The music began to play inside the church which was audible outside too, the song was one Jackson liked and so did Aaron, it was Adele's 'Make You Feel My Love' He knew he'd cry during this but he had to concentrate. Aaron looked around, Adam, Jerry, Declan and Bob were stood near the doors waiting to take Jackson into the church. "I'll see you in there" he told his mum and Paddy. They nodded and walked inside.

Jerry stood on the opposite side of Aaron at the front, which Aaron was grateful for, he didn't want trouble not then. Aaron gripped tightly on the gold handle at the side of the coffin, Jackson's head would be beside his; he closed his eyes for a few seconds and rested it against the wood. "I love you" he whispered and he opened his eyes when he felt the grip of his best mates hand on his shoulder. What would he do without Adam? They all began to step forward carrying Jackson inside the church.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear and there is no one there to dry your tears...I could hold you for a million years...to make you feel my love...I know you haven't made your mind up yet...but I would never do you wrong

The lyrics echoed inside the church, Aaron's breathing was shaky and tears ran down his face. Flashbacks of his short life with Jackson seemed to appear before him as he walked down the centre of the church.

Hazel sat at the front of the church next to Bob, sobbing quietly, she nodded. She approved of this song. Aaron had done so brilliantly for his boy and Jackson would be proud of him.

I've known it from the moment that we met...no doubt in my mind where you belong...

Aaron smiled as he remembered how difficult it was for him to allow Jackson in, because when he did, it opened up a whole new world for Aaron and Jackson belonged with him.

All five pallbearers set the coffin down at the front of the church on a stand and this allowed loved ones to put things on or by the coffin, in memory of Jackson. Aaron placed the flower football back on top of the coffin and stood next to it looking down at the gold plaque as the song continued on.

Chas frowned. He wasn't okay, that much was clear but he just stood still staring at the coffin, she got up and walked to him and placed her white lily on top of the coffin. "Come on love...sit down"

Aaron came out of his stare; he didn't even know she was there. "What?" he asked.

"Come on sit down love..." she repeated softly to which Aaron slowly shook his head. "No...In a minute." He told her

Chas nodded and walked back to her seat, a few rows behind Hazel.

Aaron let the tears fall as other people came up to show their respects and to place photos or flowers on the coffin. He just closed his eyes and listened to the song imagining Jackson stood beside him.

I can make you happy make your dreams come true...nothing that I wouldn't do...go to the ends of the earth for you...to make you feel my love..." Aaron let out a loud sob and his shoulders jerked as the song came to an end. To make you feel my love... Aaron leaned down and kissed the coffin. "I hope your happier now Jackson" he whispered.

As the church fell silent as the song ended, sniffles could be heard and quiet weeps. Aaron turned when he felt a hand on his shoulder, the hand of Vicar Jude Watson, Ashley's replacement for this ceremony at least.

Aaron nodded to him and went to sit down beside Hazel. Jerry was sat next to Bob, but he wasn't concerned with him at that moment.

...

"And lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil...thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory...forever and ever, ahem..." Vicar Watson spoke and everyone finished with 'ahem'. "Now we all know Jackson is the reason why we're all here today and he has a few final words to say..." he told everyone and picked up a remote and the TV to the side of the coffin lit up and Jackson's face was on the screen, it had been paused ready for this service. The vicar pressed play and the DVD came to life.

Jackson's grin was the first thing everyone saw, Aaron watched intently, smiling back at his boyfriend. "I bet you all didn't expect to see me today! But a TV in a church? Yeah proper big giveaway..." he smiled. "I've always wondered what it'd be like at your own funeral and I can tell ya..." he fell silent. "I dunno...because..." he motioned his head in the right direction towards his coffin. "I'm in that box...and I know some, maybe all will probably be angry with me for killing myself...I tried... I just couldn't see a life for me, everyone's different...I thought I was strong, and it surprised me when I actually realised I wasn't...I couldn't do it anymore. I really did try" Jackson looked away off camera and took in a deep breath. "I just couldn't see a future; this isn't me..." he shook his head. "Or the life that I had...and my life was good...it really was...and I met someone so special he's either going to run out or burst into tears but I don't care, I always liked embarrassing him...I had to do it one last time..." Tears fell down Jackson's face. "But I love him so, so much and I'm taking that with me...Aaron Livesy...I knew from the minute I saw ya you were the one, those amazing blue eyes, your smile...they just got me every time...You are the best thing that's ever happened to me and I want to say thankyou for putting up with me, even in your moods you made me smile...try not to be sad because you won't forget me, I'm not worried about that...and neither should you...we'll both still be a part of each other...just...different that's all"

Aaron was inconsolable his eyes were filled to the brim and they were red, he missed him so, so much. He wanted all of this to be a dream.

"And mum, I've put you through hell I hope you can forgive me; thankyou for everything that you've ever done for me...I love you"

Hazel nodded as she sobbed. "I love you" she wept.

"Now to my dad...I hope you can understand now...don't be mad, I wanted this...I'm sorry I didn't tell you that was my choice...I love you..."

Jerry cried and he looked down to the floor, he felt like his entire world had come crashing down, his son was dead and he had no idea what to do now, after the accident he came back into his life purely because of that, and Jackson knew it but he'd hoped they could get back on track...they did a little bit, but not fully. Jerry would regret the time wasted with his son.

"Nobody better be sitting there blaming my mum and Aaron because their suffering and I'm not! Thankyou for coming, everyone...it means a lot..." he sniffed and blinked to get rid of his tears. "I'm done..." he looked into the camera. Aaron was still watching intently and as Jackson looked into the camera it was as if they connected one final time. "Off" Jackson spoke for the last time and the DVD ended.

"Now if everyone would like to wait and then follow out family and friends..." Vicar Watson told everyone.

...

Everyone who joined in the graveyard began to disperse, Jackson's coffin now lay in the ground and all formalities and plans Aaron made had been done. Hazel walked away with Bob sobbing against his shoulder and when he was the only one left he got down on his knees and just sat there. "Your mum just gave me this..." he whispered and in the palm of his hand was the St. Christopher cross that Jackson always wore. "I-I I didn't know what to say...I was speechless, I never expected anything, I just thought I'd have the memories..." he took in a deep breath and nodded. "But I'm going to wear this everyday for as long as I live...I know I wasn't easy to be with sometimes...I made mistakes - big ones and I regret them, I know you'd say don't think about the past, but I' am Jackson, every single minute of every day because if things didn't happen then you'd still be alive...and plus that's all I have now...the past. I'm not worried about forgetting you, you were too amazing to forget, you'll always be with me, always...people think I'm coping Jackson but between me and you I'm not...and I'm not gunna be fine, I won't be for a long time, but if that's the price to pay to give you your wish that you couldn't fulfil yourself then I'd go through it all again...I love you Jackson, I always will..." he looked down at his coffin and smiled slightly. "My mum and some people have said I was forced into doing what I did, and I wasn't, Hazel knows that and so do I...I don't do anything I don't wanna do...you should know what I mean"

TBC...